Tuesday, January 17, 2017

Full Moon, Full Mind

Another week in which Monday slips out from under me...my apologies for not writing.

Today I had off of school due to icy roads. It felt rather good to catch up on sleep. Being completely honest, I haven't done much today but watch Netflix and eat. However, it's nice to just have the day to myself. 

The past week has been okay, I suppose. The highs are high, the lows are low. It's been a ride for me. On Saturday I performed with the dance team for the last time and upon leaving the floor, I cried. Doing the right thing for myself has never been so conflicting. It was a blessing to fall in love with dance, but I know it will also be a greater blessing to move on and be a lot less stressed.

The full moon also brought out the worst of my depression towards the end of the week. I sat in my room and cried. I didn't know why I was so upset. My heart was heavy and I hugged my knees up to chest and held on. I went for a drive and that's when I began talking. Praying, rather. The first emotion that came out was anger. The anger had enveloped my confusion about what God was doing in my life. My mental illness never fails to remind me constantly about how irritating it is, or make me wonder why I have to live with it. Hot tears filled my eyes because my frustration made me feel guilty with the other part of me that knows just how good God truly has been to me. Conflicted, the anger passed and it became sadness. Weak was my faith...little was my complete trust in the One who made me. 

Disappointed in myself, I did a devotion, said another prayer, and slept it off. Another morning, a new day before me. How refreshing it is to wake up, another day in which I have been forgiven. 

I know this post is once again, a mess, but it feels good to get this off my chest. 

Much love to you,
Marissa Mayer

Thursday, January 12, 2017

Silent Suffering

Okay, so I know I've already written this week, but I have a lot on my mind right now and I just need to get it out.

First, this whole post will probably be a disaster and completely disorganized as I am currently finishing up an anxiety attack (the exhaustion is soon to follow, of course).

I'm not even sure what triggered it, probably nothing. Usually I can pinpoint something, but I really can't this time, and it's frustrating that it just hit me like a train. I was sitting in chapel, and right before it started, it was like my breath was taken away. My body temperature felt like it was rising, my face felt flushed, and I nervously started playing with my hands. I was definitely not prepared. I sat silently trying to focus on the wonderful message the pastor had, but obviously the anxiety had pretty much told me that there was no way I would be dedicated to listening. I struggled to find air and I grasped my hands tightly wondering when it was going to end. The timing was irritating, as I wasn't actually going to get up and leave, yet probably somewhat of a blessing because I was also receiving God's Word at the same time. Thankfully, looking back, I can say that I found at least some comfort in the parts of the message that I did hear.

Even though I've been writing this blog for the past year and a half, I cannot actually describe the depth of one of these attacks to those of you who don't really know what it's like. My eyes swelled with tears but I held it all in because there was no way that I was going to start crying in chapel. The word "help" ran through my brain at an insanely fast rate and all I could think was: "why right now?"

I'm going to use my favorite word again and say that I was (actually, still am) frustrated. I feel this urge to blame the attack on myself, or that I didn't really do anything to "snap out of it", therefore making it all my fault. I had been doing really well (as I said in my post the other day) and nothing killed my progress like what just happened to me. I'm also upset because after an attack, I get extremely tired and want nothing to do with the rest of the day. Unfortunately, I still have to go to 5 more classes after this study hall and go to work after school. *insert deep breath here*





*...and release*

I'm tired, my body is now weak, and silence has overwhelmed me (which is irritating because two hours ago, I was completely fine and as energetic as ever). Not looking forward to tackling the rest of the day. But, I guess I just have to take it minute by minute until it's over and set my eyes upon the day that awaits me tomorrow. Trying to find hope that the rest of today can get better too.

Trying my best to remember His peace given to me,
Marissa Mayer

Tuesday, January 10, 2017

1.10.17

Good morning everyone. Sorry I didn't write last night, I was up late writing a paper. This should just be a quick update for all of you, as life has been going pretty well for me lately!

School is back in session and I'm adjusting to my new schedule. Hard to believe that I have less than five months left here...senior year truly is flying by for me. On that note, I'm excited to begin my life at college, and it became a little more real as I submitted a music scholarship application last week. I've never been so sure about anything as I am about teaching music.

As for this week, it's gonna be a busy one! I've got work tonight and some pep bands later this week. On Saturday I'm looking forward to my last performance to end my dance career, even though it was a little earlier than planned (for those of you who read my post about quitting- Letting Go, For Me- I agreed to stay for the competition performance, although I didn't make note of that). I'm anticipating that I'll probably feel some pain, as I had fallen in love with performing, but I'm praying that the peace and new ease of my schedule will be of greater appreciation.

Other than being excited about the second semester of school, I've been doing well. I've made it more of a point to do my devotions and make a list of prayer requests. I'm devoting more personal time to God and it feels really good to be doing something so beneficial to my mental health.

I thank you so much for the recent amount of views I've been receiving. Through your support I'm seeing endless hope and promises for this blog. There's nothing I love more than being able to share my journey with you. I hope you all have a wonderful week, and feel free to contact me with any questions/prayer requests.

Love,
Marissa Mayer

Sunday, January 1, 2017

New Year, Same Depression

Hey everyone, so for not writing this past Monday. I had thought about it, but I didn't have much for content and just wasn't feeling it. Anyways, I hope you all had a wonderful Christmas with your families and friends, and now as I edit this draft, a happy new year!

I guess my Christmas break has been somewhat uneventful. I've been keeping busy with work, which is good I guess. I've spent a lot of valuable time with my best friend and it's been nice to get some "me time". But today (written from 12.30.16) was probably the worst day I've had in a long time...

I woke up and I could feel the weight of impending loneliness sitting on my shoulders. I went to my dad's earlier this morning and ended up taking a two hour nap. I watched a ton of T.V. and shockingly stayed off of most social media which was probably a good thing. I was in the middle of watching a movie when my heart began pounding, my eyes began to swell with tears, and it felt like my lungs couldn't fill with air fast enough. I tried to move but my body was a deadweight. Help. Help. Help. I whispered to myself. I need help. I prayed in short segments, trying to trust that God would hear my pleas (little did I know that He would give me a clear answer later). Shortly after my anxiety attack ended, I felt exhaustion sweep over me again.

(Revisited 1.1.17) Later, I was able to head back to my mom's and I knew that things wouldn't get better by sitting in my room all night. I asked my mom if we could do something to keep my mind busy. We went out to dinner with my aunt, uncle, and my cousins (of course, Emma was there) and had to make a quick stop at the store. I thought I was doing better, but I guess I wasn't. My head spun and I shut down. I was quiet, my heart ached, and I was irritated that I couldn't even push it all away to be in a decent mood while with my family. We were walking down an aisle in the store when Emma ran up behind me and grabbed my hand. She looked up at me with her beautiful brown eyes and said: "I love you Marissa".

I smiled and felt peace wash over me. There was my answer. The pain, the tears, the brokenness, it's all something that Emma doesn't really know about, yet God used her to bring a smile to my face. I've probably said it a million times, but that girl might be the biggest reason I fight so hard. I know the love of Christ through His suffering and death on the cross for me, and I cannot express how amazing it is that He continues to bless me everyday in despite of all my wrongdoings and shortcomings. He has promised me the gift of eternal life, and continues to show me His love daily through the little things...even through the bright brown eyes of my favorite five year old.

Upon entering the new year, I've become rather excited. Throughout the course of 2017 I will graduate high school, become a legal adult, and move into college. While I can't wait for what the future holds for me, I'm going to be honest and admit that I'm also a little apprehensive about my mental health along the way. However, I'm quick to remind myself that we just gotta take it one day at a time and breathe. And while I don't think my depression is going to change its nasty ways any time soon, I can rest in the comfort that my God never changes. Still saved. Still blessed.

Speaking of blessings, I thank you so much for helping me reach 16,000 views. Depressed But Blessed has become a wonderful outlet for me, and I hope a blessing to you throughout the past year and a half.

Here's to a new year, the same wonderful blessings, and beyond. May God grant you His peace.

Marissa Mayer
xx


Tuesday, December 20, 2016

All About Who?

Happy Tuesday all! Apologies for the late post, it's finals week for me, so I've been studying and keeping fairly busy.

So I recently had some things I just had on my mind and I wanted to share with you. I was reading a book about American Christianity (general view of Christianity today) and how it compares to the LCMS church in particular. Even if you aren't of this denomination, I think you might find this post interesting...

I've read countless things about people and their "decisions for Christ" and I have a big news flash for you...you didn't choose Christ.

You might be thinking, "Sure I did! I decided to become a believer!" 

Nope. Let me explain why.

It has been made extremely evident throughout Scripture that we are sinners, dead in our trespasses, and unable to do anything on our own (Ephesians 2:1, Colossions 2:13). The phrase "Choose Christ" is simply silly, because it implies that we, as sinners, did the right thing all on our own. That's like putting the choice of salvation in our own hands...no no no. The old Adam in us keeps us in the darkness of sin, and not able to save ourselves. We needed a Savior. The Savior that would later be born to us in a manger. 

I think it's very important to remember, especially during the Christmas season. Christ did not come to earth because we asked Him to, He came because God promised us He would send us His Son to save us! It was prophesied in the Old Testament on numerous occasions and so we get to rejoice that the Word was made flesh (John 1:14) in order to fulfill the Law perfectly when we could not (Matthew 5:17).

Now you're probably wondering, okay well then where does my participation come in? Wouldn't your stance argue that everyone is saved? 

Nope. Not that either. Our faith comes to us through the Word. The Holy Spirit instills faith in us. That wasn't a choice, it was rather a gift. Those who are not believers simply reject this gift. There is no "choosing" to take the gift, it's already yours! You can only turn it away (Ephesians 1:13-14 and 2:8-9).

There is no "me" in Christianity, but there is CHRIST, and that's who this faith is all about!

I hope you all have a wonderful Christmas season remembering the birth of our Lord and Savior! Prayers for you and your families during this time of year. God is so good.

When I am hurting, I look to the cross and see that Christ has already come to me. He has promised me an everlasting love and comfort despite anything I do.

Blessings upon blessings,
Marissa Mayer
Source: Has American Christianity Failed? (Bryan Wolfmueller)

Tuesday, December 13, 2016

Letting Go, For Me

Good afternoon! Sorry this post is yet again, a day late. Had my Christmas concert last night so I was up late and unable to write. As always, I pray that you're all doing well.

Let me preface this post by saying, if you aren't happy in your current daily life, you should definitely do anything and everything you can to help yourself. You come first.

I think that all of you can relate to a time when you were overwhelmed and wanted life to slow down and just get a little easier. Well, recently, that was me. I'm caught up in my school work, my job, music, and dance team. It's too much to handle right now.

Every morning, I wake up dreading the day that lies ahead of me. My body aches from the moment my eyes open and I can almost feel my depression groaning as I drag myself out of bed. No, this isn't simply a sleep deprived teenager. This is mental illness with just one of its finest side effects. 

I'd have to be at school early for various music groups and there'd be days I would have to stay late for dance practice and then performances. I missed the simplicity of going home and enjoying time with my mom or having an adequate amount of time for homework and just relaxation. I became agitated with my somewhat chaotic schedule. Something had to change.

I'm not on medications because my parents don't want me to be, therefore, overcoming my daily battle with depression is something I have to figure out on my own (even with medication, I'm sure I'd still feel the need to make adjustments).

After a lot of prayer and consideration, I knew it was time to move on and make some sacrifices for my own mental health. I needed to quit dance...and I did.

I contemplated writing about this because I know that I have a wide variety of viewers from the community, and I also thought that this was still premature and perhaps I had done the wrong thing. However, after today, I feel a new sense of freedom and a load of stress lifted off my shoulders.

Don't get me wrong, I'm not saying this will be easy. It's going to suck watching the girls perform without me. I sincerely loved performing and am incredibly grateful for my time as a dancer, but it feels good when I remind myself that I finally did something for me. I made a sacrifice of doing something I love to make me feel better and I can't wait to see the benefits that come from doing so. 

I think that in today's society, teenagers especially, feel pressured a lot to be involved in everything and are just overall stressed out. And I guess the purpose of this post is to tell you all that it's okay to give up things that you need to. The same goes for unhealthy relationships, jobs, hard classes, etc. To those on the outside, it might seem selfish, but in the long run, your mental health is top priority. It's during those times of "letting go" that it's also important to be in God's Word and attending church so that you can hear the promise of His comfort and be reminded that He will provide for your needs.

Sometimes, letting go means becoming free,
Marissa Mayer



Tuesday, December 6, 2016

12.6.16

Happy (and late) Depressed But Blessed Tuesday! I saw that my views went up yesterday, I'm sure you were all expecting something...sorry! I planned on writing before I went to bed, but an exhausted Marissa caught up with me :)

Anyways, just an update for today.

I've been feeling a little weird lately. The highs are high and the lows are definitely low. I can be on top of the world for a minute but stuck in a pit the next. Let me tell you, it's more than exhausting. I'm also experiencing a mix of stress between school and work. I'm either having terrible anxiety or I'm super calm and ignorant about it all. Depends on the day I guess.

Dance is stressing me out more than I really want to admit. I had a rough day last week and going to practice definitely did not help that. Not only did I feel bad, but I was noticed by the team and my coaches. Honestly, it wasn't in my intentions to bring the team down, but that's the vibe I got. I felt guilty even though I hadn't said anything negative, I had just remained quiet. I think a lot of people like to thrive on my positivity when it's around, and I just can't do it all the time. But I promise I'm trying my best. 

There's also a lot of days that go by when I wonder if this blogging thing is really for me or for how long I will continue to write. I have my doubts but I also have a little confidence in what I'm doing. 

On a more positive note, I officially became an LCMS member this weekend and was able to commune next to two of my sisters in Christ (along with all the saints of course). It feels really good because for a lot of my life, I have questioned my belonging. I didn't always feel like I belonged in my family, or at my school, or at my job. But now I have a church family in the body of Christ, and I'd be lying if I said it didn't feel absolutely beautiful to be a part of that. It's comforting to know that God has spoken to me loud and clear, and now I'm exactly where He wanted me to be.

Beyond all the abnormalities and craziness in my life recently, I'm also getting pretty excited for Christmas. I'm praying that the holiday season is more joyous for me than difficult this year. Praying for all of you too, of course.

It's gonna be a busy few weeks ahead of me. So much to do, and I'm glad I can rest in God's Word when I need some reassurance.

Keep your chins up my loves, we're in this together,
Marissa Mayer

"The Lord himself goes before you and will be with you; he will never leave you nor forsake you. Do not be afraid; do not be discouraged." -Deuteronomy 31:8