Sunday, June 11, 2017

From Cuts to Calvary


I thought I'd be nice and give you just a glimpse of the beautiful view I have as I write this. I'm sitting on my dad's back deck. A nice cold glass of Diet Coke and the Chainsmokers new album playing on my shiny new MacBook Pro. 

Since the last time I've written, things have definitely changed.

I've been working quite a bit lately which is keeping me busy and helping earn some pocket cash for college...speaking of, I'm so excited about dorm shopping!

Other than that, I'm really enjoying summer thus far. Especially on nights like tonight when the weather is absolutely gorgeous. I could probably sit here forever. 

But I'd be lying if I said things were as perfect as my view tonight.

I recently found out that somebody very very close to me has been self harming. Upon finding out, my heart shattered in a million pieces. I was in shock, completely distraught. I hugged him for what felt like an eternity and it wasn't long enough. Like I've said many times before, I would never ever wish depression on my worst enemy. It's self destructive. A complete nightmare. And without help, it's even worse. 

I know that there are even more of you out there like this individual. While my scars are no longer visible, there are occasions when I can still feel the numbness on my upper thigh. Sometimes I get flashbacks of wincing through the initial breaking of skin, bandaids, and limping when I walked. My heart goes out to those of you who have struggled or continue to struggle with self-harm. You are beautiful despite your scars. You are loved by someone with His own scars. 

I titled this post "From Cuts to Calvary" because I recently thought about the crucifixion of Christ and just how physically unbearable that would be. Christ, because of His great love for you, was beaten and tormented...covered in countless wounds. For me. For you.

Nails pierced through His hands, a spear to the side. The sins of the entire world on the shoulders of the innocent One. Forsaken by His own Father, Jesus Christ did it all. The suffering, death, and resurrection of the Lamb gives us hope. 

Through Baptism, we are washed clean. Scars of sin, completely gone. Redeemed children, loved in such an unfathomable amount, we now given the gift of eternal life. We suffer now, but the pain is temporary, as He has prepared a place for us where our physical scars will be removed and our illness can no longer hurt us. 

The best part of it is this: none of that will never change. At your highest of highs and your lowest of lows, His promise of eternal life will never change. His inerrant Word remains true and His love everlasting. 

You have been healed, washed, and made new in the body of Christ. I pray that even on the darkest of days, you still remember that. 

To close up here, I have a lot of ideas running through my head. Having mental illness strike so close to home here again, I'm really really pushing even more awareness. I have some free time this week so hopefully I can do some more advertising and work with other mental health bloggers. In the meantime, I'm praying for all of you. 

Redeemed by the body and blood of Christ,
Marissa Mayer

Thursday, June 1, 2017

As Ready As I'll Ever Be

From my last post on May 1st to today a lot has happened. Now I'm back...and ready to share.

I've been almost hospitalized twice. Spent a few days drowning in my own tears. I saw some dangerous lows. But, that's not what I'm here to tell you about.

I'm here to tell you about the wonderful highs. The "blessed" part of my past month away from you.

I graduated from high school almost two weeks ago now. I still can't believe it. There were so many days when I was pretty certain I wouldn't make it that long. But I did. I grinned ear to ear upon receiving my diploma. The hard work paid off and for the first time in a long time, I was proud of myself.


I attended a ton of grad parties and soaked in the last of high school. I wore that smile for days following.

And now it's summer.

Thankfully the weather has been cooperating here in Wisconsin and I've been feeling pretty good. Since I've last written I started taking my medication normally. I only skipped one week for graduation so I could be more in touch with my feelings I guess you could say. I really wanted to experience the bittersweetness of saying goodbye and thankfully I was able to do just that. 

I also started seeing my counselor again so I can prepare myself for college, like how to handle the highs and lows of my depression. It's been so incredibly helpful...I walk out of each session feeling on top of the world. It's a real relief to get to talk to somebody and get helpful feedback about how to manage things. For those of you who don't have a counselor, I highly highly recommend seeing one. It makes a world of difference.

This summer is going to fly by as I prepare to take on college this fall. If you haven't already figured it out, I'm so excited.


So here I am. And if I'm being completely honest, I wasn't sure I was going to write anymore. I thought about giving it up and moving on, like I have before. But I can't. I need to write more than you need to even read this blog. It's an outlet and it's where I can see my crazy thoughts out in words. I cannot thank you all enough for sticking by me as I continue to fight. 

While I'll probably be a busy lady this summer, I plan on continuing to write. No promises that it will be on a weekly basis, but I'll try to do it as often as possible. If you haven't already, like Depressed But Blessed on Facebook or follow on Twitter (@depressbless). I'll be able to keep you all updated there! Also, check out my personal Instagram (@marii_mayy) or my VSCO (there's a link on the side!) for some pictures of what I'm up to. 

Hoping you're all doing well. So much love to all of you!

Blessings on top of blessings,
Marissa Mayer

Monday, May 1, 2017

5.1.17

Just returning for a post because I got some things I need to see in my own writing. 

Things lately have been anything but easy. Here it is again, my favorite "f" word...frustrating.

I'm pretty sure my medication isn't working the way it used to. I'm diligently taking it and it feels pretty pointless right now. All I do is sleep and wait for it to pass. This weekend was actually just a blur of crying and naps. 

I'm past feeling sorry for myself, I'm just angry. Things don't seem to go my way anymore. The most trivial things pile up in front of me to make an insurmountable wall. I'm sensitive to the things people say, and even to the tone in which they say it.

To make things worse, the weather has been very dreary here, which certainly does not make functioning any easier. I know my depression thrives on isolation, but I'm too tired to try and fix it. I have deadlines in front of me, social things that need to be confronted, a couple stressful things at work, and it's all just kind of a lot to take in right now.

Also, I've stepped back on my faith. Of course, I know this definitely doesn't make the situation any better, but it feels very empty. I haven't gone to church in two weeks and it's easy to get away with when my parents don't really enforce me to go. I don't take time to pray because it feels like a waste of my time. If I do, I yell at God just hoping He listens (which of course, I know deep down that He does).

Thankfully, I've got support. I've sent my best friend a couple long rants this weekend and needless to say, he's been awesome at reminding me that I'll be okay and that sometimes the best solution is to just eat some ice cream and wait it out. I also plan on calling my doctor sometime soon to discuss adjusting my medication. To try and help myself out a little, I try finding a couple things during the week that I'm looking forward to, and focus on those. Sometimes, I focus on other people and how they might rely on me. A good example is my little cousin Emma. Nothing makes me happier than seeing her sweet smile.

I also just got done reading a really good article about the destructive lies that depression likes to tell us. I've attached it below for you to read as well. 

Other than feeling pretty crappy, I'm getting a little excited as I graduate in 18 days! All I can say is, I made it and I'm beyond ready to start my path to becoming a music teacher.

I hope you all have a wonderful week. Maybe I'll be back soon. Until then, I guess I just gotta fight it.

Love,
Marissa Mayer

Tuesday, April 18, 2017

4.18.17

It's been over two weeks since I've last posted, and even today I'm still not sure I feel ready.

I simply don't have enough to say anymore. I lack content. The past year and a half of writing has been repetitive, I'm sure you've heard me say it all before. A lot of people tell me they too think of starting a blog, but it's actually super hard to maintain when you have zero motivation and even worse, nothing to write about.

The end of senior year is coming up fast and I'd be lying if I said I didn't feel prepared to let it all go. The past four years I've basically been begging for May 19th to come faster, but now, it's sinking in. I'm filled with excitement, fear, and some sadness at leaving this behind and moving ahead. On a brighter note, I met my roommate recently and so that takes a lot of anxiety off the table.

Also, as a PSA, I wouldn't watch 13 Reasons Why if you haven't already. I did, and the whole suicide scene made me sick and I felt terrible for two days. It's a lot to take in and I really wouldn't suggest it. It also puts up a whole new meaning to stigma...

Sorry this whole post is choppy...I'm feeling pretty empty. Wish I had more for you. I guess for now I'm just gonna take a little break until I can get back on track and figure out what I'm doing. You can always stay updated with my Instagram.

Love,
Marissa Mayer

Monday, April 3, 2017

Music & Mountains

Happy Monday! Sorry I haven't written in awhile, I just spent the last week on a 10 day tour with the band and choir out west to Las Vegas. Simply an amazing time and I can't wait to tell you about it. Also feel free to check out my Instagram or VSCO which should be updated soon with plenty of pictures!

The day we left I had no idea just how amazing it would be to see God work through both of our ensembles. But after every concert I left feeling just a little more convinced of His work. We sang, we played, we shared His Word with each audience and it genuinely filled me with complete joy and peace to be doing so.

I made countless memories, took an abundance of pictures, and felt pretty much on top of the world the entire time. I laughed until it hurt, strengthened tons of relationships, and overall, fell a little bit more in love with God's creation and my passion for music.

With each note, we filled the room with praise and the hope we have in the promises fulfilled by Him. One of our choral pieces is called "Neither Angels Nor Demons" and it's based of off Romans 8:38-39: "For I am convinced that neither death nor life, neither angels nor demons, neither the present nor the future, nor any powers, neither height nor depth, nor anything else in all creation, will be able to separate us from the love of God that is in Christ Jesus our Lord." Simply reading this text is enough to fill my soul with joy. Despite my sin and the terrible world we live in, absolutely nothing will alter God's love for us which is seen through Jesus's death on the cross. For you and for me, He died so that we might live with Him. That's the perfect summary of why we went on tour. No, it wasn't to necessarily have fun, but rather to share this message with everyone.

As I tweeted the other day, tour taught me two things. One, the love we have for one another, and two, the love that Christ has for us. The night of our concert in Las Vegas I met some kids from their band/choir and fell instantly in love. They were excited to meet me and take pictures. I'd be lying if I said it didn't make me even more excited to teach.

As for a mental health update, I stopped taking my medication on tour regularly. I was triggered into some anxiety for a little bit one night, but other than that, I felt great. However, now that I'm home and the post tour depression has kicked in, I should probably hop back on it.

It feels good to be back, but I can't believe how quickly time went the past week and a half. Spending my spring break with my favorite people truly was an experience I will never forget.

I truly hope you're all doing well. Continuous prayers.

In His love,
Marissa Mayer

Monday, March 20, 2017

Continually Humbled

Happy Monday! Sorry this is late, I had technical difficulties last week so let's hope things are working now...

One of the most beautiful things about being a blogger is this: I have the freedom to share my thoughts and experiences with the world, and sometimes the creativity actually comes before the typing. While on most occasions I type whatever comes to mind, there have been times when I hand write first. Physically holding my thoughts in front of me helps me cope with my feelings. It's completely personal, it's me.

Each day I sit in my A.P. Literature class and as it comes right after lunch, I tend to lose focus. Thus, that's when my creativity peaks (so I'm sure you can guess when this post was originally written). I'm always doodling or jotting down little notes to keep my mind busy (on another side note, I still do well in the class, so don't think I'm slacking too much!).

Anyways, as an update, I guess I'm doing okay. The side effects of medication were somewhat irritating at first, however they've definitely subsided. I'm getting more sleep, eating slightly less, and I haven't shed a tear once since, well...weeks ago. The lows just aren't as low anymore, so I feel like I'm just...content (I guess that's the only word I can think of). I saw my psychiatrist today and we decided to keep me on the same dosage and check in again later this year.

With this feeling of stability comes a sense of independence. I acknowledge that things are going well and have become slightly ignorant of my faith. It has seemed like I push God to the back burner and said, "hey thanks, I got it from here." Well, on Wednesday His Law set me right back in my place. The sermon was about Pontius Pilate and the releasing of Barabbas as the people sent Christ to the cross on Calvary. It was easy to think Pilate was terrible for allowing the crucifixion of an innocent man, but I was then reminded that I fall into the same category. My ignorance, my sins, the things I have left undone, and just my overall sinful, selfish, helpless self, all sent him to the cross too. So there I was...sitting in worship, and once again humbled at the reminder of my sins. Through His Word, He showed me that I deserved nothing but death, yet even though I sent Him to the cross, He continues to bless me daily on top of giving me salvation through my faith. And this is all done merely out of His love.

I am always finding myself in a cycle of feeling angry- as if God were not helping me, then being brought back around to remember I've been washed clean through baptism and He's done more for me than I can even fathom. As a human being, I am 100% sinner, therefore I can't even really grasp just how perfect Christ is and how wonderful His death and resurrection actually is. It never fails to be enough for me. Yet, I am 100% saint. Redeemed, loved, and given a life in eternity with Christ. Beautiful. Breathtaking. Life-giving.

As long as I have my faith, there's always that hope in Christ. On my own, I can do nothing. While I feel emotionally "content", the cross gives me everlasting joy. I am His and I will continue to bask in His love and overflowing blessings for now into eternity.

Love,
Marissa Mayer

Monday, March 6, 2017

3.6.17

Monday.

Here I am. Another week. And this time, I have some good news.

On Friday I saw a psychiatrist and was prescribed medication. I've been waiting forever to finally start being able to live a little more freely without constantly worrying about myself. Depression is feeling like your ten steps behind the rest of everyone else, and then anxiety makes you worry about it. Obsessively concerned about your own well-being when you know you really don't want to be.

I'm so excited to start this. Hopefully it eases the anxiety and allows me to function a little bit more like a normal person. Maybe I'll be able to focus better in class or get some more sleep. Whatever the results, I'm praying they make me feel a little more stabilized. Of course there are side effects, some of which have already kicked in. They're pretty manageable which is really nice since that's something I was originally a little scared of.

I also had a really good weekend. I worked on Saturday and then went to the symphony that evening with some friends. To top it off, I had a very relaxing Sunday and was able to worship with the band.

I'm so ready to start this journey. It's a relief knowing that I'm finally getting the help I need.

Praying you're all doing just as well. So incredibly blessed for your support. Thank you all, 18,000+ views and we're still going.

Incredibly blessed,
Marissa Mayer