Wednesday, February 22, 2017

Saved By Consistency

I'm not sure what to say other than this: it's been a rough one.

Early last week I was upset by a handful of minor things. Life just seemed like too much again. Upset, I sat in my car and sobbed. On the way to my dad's, I could feel this overwhelming pain sitting inside me. My hands were shaky on the steering wheel. How easy it would be to crash my car. So easy. One quick movement and I could be on the side of the road, potentially unconscious, or dead.

Thankfully, I was still sane enough to know that this wasn't an okay state of mind to be in, and that I should get myself help. I called the suicide hotline and talked to a nice lady who got me through the rest of the ride home. Upon arriving at home, my dad gave me a hug and said he would find a doctor for me to see.

Again, on Thursday night, I couldn't get away from the weight of depression on my shoulders. It hurt. Tears flooded my eyes. When would the pain pass? My mom came into my room and asked if I needed help and I told her it just hurt to breathe and that I didn't want to live anymore. Worried, she asked me multiple times if she needed to take me into the hospital. I refused. The small bit of logic left in me said "No, you don't have time. You have things to do." Exhausted and sick, I fell asleep and ended up staying home the next day.

Over the course of the week, I've received so much love and support from my family, friends, and classmates. On Monday I went out to lunch with a friend of mine who is like a big sister to me. She's simply amazing and I cannot express how appreciative I am for the time we spent together. On top of that, I got texts and phone calls from people making sure I'm okay and telling me to feel better.

*Side note: I've had a really terrible cold for a week too. Lots of coughing, congestion, sinus headaches, and the occasional fever. Thankfully I'm feeling better today*

Yesterday I saw a post on Facebook that read this:

"I believe in God. Not because my parents told me to. Not because my church told me to. But because I've experienced Him."

I did a lot of thinking and this is where I stand. I don't need to "experience" God to know He's real or to believe in Him. He blessed me with the faith through Baptism and His Word. He has redeemed me and calls me His own. I don't "feel God"... I trust in Him because His Word told me to! God fulfills His promises because that's His perfect nature. He is consistently good to me even when I don't deserve it. Sins? Now forgiven. Death? Now life. He doesn't change, even when things get hard for me. Even when this world turns upside down, and I'm ready to call it quits, God still provides for me, loves me, and saves me.

That's the beautiful thing about depression, I guess. Once I reach rock-bottom, there's nowhere else to go but up and out, even if it takes awhile. When I'm sitting in the shadows, God never fails to take me by the hand and make sure I get out of it. That's not an "experience", that's a promise. Fulfilled. And if you still think you need to "feel God" to have a relationship with Him, I encourage you to check out His Word and see what He's already done and continues to do for you!

Even though my depression is always changing, my God is forever faithful. I am saved by His constant love and forgiveness of my sins. 

For I have been saved by grace through faith,
Marissa Mayer

Monday, February 13, 2017

Love Yourself?

In my last post, I referenced my idea of some good theological thoughts I wanted to share regarding love. And seeing Valentine's Day is coming up, it seemed appropriate for today. So here it is.

I can't count the amount of times I've seen tweets/posts about people saying: You have to love yourself first before you can love somebody else. 

This statement brought a lot of questions to my mind lately. First, what does loving yourself even mean?

For those of you who know me personally, I'm sure you could probably make a list of characteristics that you love about me. But when I think of love, in the context of myself, I think it's virtually impossible at first glance. Why? Because first and foremost, I am a sinner. I am disobedient all the time and constantly fall short of God's Law. I lie, I covet, I disrespect my parents. The list of sins is endless. Not only that, but I was completely dead in my sins. I'm so terrible, I can't actually even make the decision to believe in God to try and help myself. Looks like I'm in pretty rough shape, doesn't it?

That's where the real love comes in. Jesus Christ. The perfect definition of love was through His sacrifice on the cross, as He laid down His life for His bride, the Church. That's me! A part of the body of believers, I was in desperate need of salvation (remember, I'm 100% dead in my sins). Perfectly fulfilling the Law, Jesus served as the atoning sacrifice. Despite every atrocious sin I have committed and will ever commit, He loved me enough to bear the burden of my sins on the cross. Every time I screw up, I am forgiven. 

Love...it's not about me. It's all about Him. When I look in the mirror each day, instead of saying, "Wow I love myself", I should remember my baptism, and how by His grace, the sinner in me is drowned each and every day. I can look in the mirror and say, "The God who created me, loves me. Enough to send His Son to save a poor, miserable sinner like me." That's where the beauty is. I don't necessarily "love myself" but I sure do love Christ who has renewed my heart and set me free from the bondage of sin, death, and the devil.

This weekend, I again had the opportunity to kneel at the rail next to my band family, and let me tell you, being able to partake in the body and blood of Christ, it never fails to amaze me. His love, His grace, His endless mercy, never fails. It is always sufficient. And that, my friends, is true love.

A sinner, made righteous by His unchanging love,
Marissa Mayer

Galatians 2:20
I have been crucified with Christ. It is no longer I who live, but Christ who lives in me. And the life I now live in the flesh I live by faith in the Son of God, who loved me and gave himself for me.

Romans 8:38-39
For I am sure that neither death nor life, nor angels nor rulers, nor things present nor things to come, nor powers, nor height nor depth, nor anything else in all creation, will be able to separate us from the love of God in Christ Jesus our Lord. 

Romans 5:8
But God shows his love for us in that while we were still sinners, Christ died for us.


Monday, February 6, 2017

It's The Small Stuff

Another Monday.

I apologize for not writing last week, I'm pretty stressed. I had a good post idea in mind, regarding some cool theological stuff that had crossed my mind, so perhaps I'll get around to pulling that together for you sometime this week. No guarantees.

I'm preparing for a music scholarship audition on Saturday and I'm getting a little nervous. On a brighter note, I dropped A.P. Calculus for a study hall, so now my schedule is so much easier for me and there's a lot less stress on my plate.

I guess I was doing pretty well. I kept busy with music stuff, school, and work, so my mind didn't have time to wander. And then there was Sunday. My least favorite day of the week.

I didn't go to church yesterday (that's my plan for tonight), and I didn't do all that much. Sundays for me are always terrible because it's the end of the weekend and I come face to face with the realization that another hectic week lies ahead. I went to bed feeling kind of emotionally unstable (there's genuinely no good way for me to describe it) and had hope that a new morning was ahead of me.

Except it wasn't.

I woke up to the sound of my alarm, moaned, and shut it off. From the moment my body had woken up, I felt it. The presence of weight on my shoulders and just an overall heaviness on my chest. I slept longer than I should have, and finally managed to roll out of bed. This whole getting up every day, is sometimes a challenge in itself, making the day ahead even worse.

My first two morning classes are band and choir so I hoped that would cheer me up. My director selected my favorite band piece to work on today, but I couldn't get myself into the right musical frame of mind to shape the music and play it appropriately. On top of that, I was having technical difficulties with my instrument. Choir was a little better, but not by much. I'm sick with a cold so I couldn't hear myself sing very well, and it was frustrating.

Writing all of this now, I feel like all of these stupid little things should be nothing. But they aren't. To me, they're challenges that add up to irritate me. I'm getting tired of it. I also am losing a lot of motivation to write again because my blog has lately become my outlet for complaining, which I know isn't good content at all.

It is the small stuff. It bothers me to no end and I'm working so hard on finding the strength to push it away, but the weight is just a little too much today. So I guess for now, I'll let this be a crummy day, and start again tomorrow. Hopefully going to church tonight makes me feel better. Sorry this post is a mess.

Love,
Marissa Mayer

Monday, January 23, 2017

A Little Too Deep

Wow. Another Monday has come around. Time certainly is flying by.

Not a whole lot going on here...I had a wonderful time singing with my chamber choir family at church yesterday. I genuinely love being able to worship with such wonderful friends who all share such a deep passion for music.

Unfortunately, yesterday went south shortly thereafter. Not only did the Packers lose, but I felt hurt by some friends. I went to a get-together with a really positive mindset and was ready to have an enjoyable time. It was okay for awhile, but being as sensitive as I am, I was let down when things came up in conversation that didn't need to be talked about. I immediately felt left out, and as if I were standing on my own side of the fence. I became overly observant of the way things were said or I dug too deep into the context of their words. Ultimately, I let myself care about things I should have ignored. Classic anxiety. Making life a little more difficult than necessary.

Maybe you've had people tell you to let it all "roll off your shoulders". Well, anxiety makes your shoulders flat, therefore everything sits there until you find the strength to push it off. Here's a good resource I read, just in case you don't understand my perspective: http://www.calmclinic.com/anxiety/symptoms/close-irritability

Needless to say, I left. I sat at home alone, crying because I was angry. Crying because I was upset and confused. A little while later my best friend came over and we worked on homework, listened to music, and had a good (and productive) time together.

I interrupt this post for a small shoutout:

Meg, if you read this, I just wanna remind you how much I love you, and how wonderful you've been to me these past 6 years. You're my rock, my favorite hug, my reason to laugh, and a beautiful sister in Christ. You're one of the reasons I stay when life gets hard. I thank God everyday to have you in my life, for listening to me, wiping my tears, making memories with me, and eating way too much Taco Bell with me.

I resume:

To summarize, I let myself get a little too deep into things that should simply be irrelevant. I let my anxiety get the best of me, and cared too much about what others think of me. While I can't say that I've completely pushed the small stuff off my shoulders, I was blessed to have somebody help get my mind off of it and pull me out of some frustrating water that I had gotten myself into.


Gonna be a busy week for me, so check out my Instagram for some fun pictures of what I'll be up to. The link is on the right hand side under "Follow Me"- just click the Instagram logo!


Here's to a lot of deep breaths and conquering the week that lies ahead of me,
Marissa Mayer

Tuesday, January 17, 2017

Full Moon, Full Mind

Another week in which Monday slips out from under me...my apologies for not writing.

Today I had off of school due to icy roads. It felt rather good to catch up on sleep. Being completely honest, I haven't done much today but watch Netflix and eat. However, it's nice to just have the day to myself. 

The past week has been okay, I suppose. The highs are high, the lows are low. It's been a ride for me. On Saturday I performed with the dance team for the last time and upon leaving the floor, I cried. Doing the right thing for myself has never been so conflicting. It was a blessing to fall in love with dance, but I know it will also be a greater blessing to move on and be a lot less stressed.

The full moon also brought out the worst of my depression towards the end of the week. I sat in my room and cried. I didn't know why I was so upset. My heart was heavy and I hugged my knees up to chest and held on. I went for a drive and that's when I began talking. Praying, rather. The first emotion that came out was anger. The anger had enveloped my confusion about what God was doing in my life. My mental illness never fails to remind me constantly about how irritating it is, or make me wonder why I have to live with it. Hot tears filled my eyes because my frustration made me feel guilty with the other part of me that knows just how good God truly has been to me. Conflicted, the anger passed and it became sadness. Weak was my faith...little was my complete trust in the One who made me. 

Disappointed in myself, I did a devotion, said another prayer, and slept it off. Another morning, a new day before me. How refreshing it is to wake up, another day in which I have been forgiven. 

I know this post is once again, a mess, but it feels good to get this off my chest. 

Much love to you,
Marissa Mayer

Thursday, January 12, 2017

Silent Suffering

Okay, so I know I've already written this week, but I have a lot on my mind right now and I just need to get it out.

First, this whole post will probably be a disaster and completely disorganized as I am currently finishing up an anxiety attack (the exhaustion is soon to follow, of course).

I'm not even sure what triggered it, probably nothing. Usually I can pinpoint something, but I really can't this time, and it's frustrating that it just hit me like a train. I was sitting in chapel, and right before it started, it was like my breath was taken away. My body temperature felt like it was rising, my face felt flushed, and I nervously started playing with my hands. I was definitely not prepared. I sat silently trying to focus on the wonderful message the pastor had, but obviously the anxiety had pretty much told me that there was no way I would be dedicated to listening. I struggled to find air and I grasped my hands tightly wondering when it was going to end. The timing was irritating, as I wasn't actually going to get up and leave, yet probably somewhat of a blessing because I was also receiving God's Word at the same time. Thankfully, looking back, I can say that I found at least some comfort in the parts of the message that I did hear.

Even though I've been writing this blog for the past year and a half, I cannot actually describe the depth of one of these attacks to those of you who don't really know what it's like. My eyes swelled with tears but I held it all in because there was no way that I was going to start crying in chapel. The word "help" ran through my brain at an insanely fast rate and all I could think was: "why right now?"

I'm going to use my favorite word again and say that I was (actually, still am) frustrated. I feel this urge to blame the attack on myself, or that I didn't really do anything to "snap out of it", therefore making it all my fault. I had been doing really well (as I said in my post the other day) and nothing killed my progress like what just happened to me. I'm also upset because after an attack, I get extremely tired and want nothing to do with the rest of the day. Unfortunately, I still have to go to 5 more classes after this study hall and go to work after school. *insert deep breath here*





*...and release*

I'm tired, my body is now weak, and silence has overwhelmed me (which is irritating because two hours ago, I was completely fine and as energetic as ever). Not looking forward to tackling the rest of the day. But, I guess I just have to take it minute by minute until it's over and set my eyes upon the day that awaits me tomorrow. Trying to find hope that the rest of today can get better too.

Trying my best to remember His peace given to me,
Marissa Mayer

Tuesday, January 10, 2017

1.10.17

Good morning everyone. Sorry I didn't write last night, I was up late writing a paper. This should just be a quick update for all of you, as life has been going pretty well for me lately!

School is back in session and I'm adjusting to my new schedule. Hard to believe that I have less than five months left here...senior year truly is flying by for me. On that note, I'm excited to begin my life at college, and it became a little more real as I submitted a music scholarship application last week. I've never been so sure about anything as I am about teaching music.

As for this week, it's gonna be a busy one! I've got work tonight and some pep bands later this week. On Saturday I'm looking forward to my last performance to end my dance career, even though it was a little earlier than planned (for those of you who read my post about quitting- Letting Go, For Me- I agreed to stay for the competition performance, although I didn't make note of that). I'm anticipating that I'll probably feel some pain, as I had fallen in love with performing, but I'm praying that the peace and new ease of my schedule will be of greater appreciation.

Other than being excited about the second semester of school, I've been doing well. I've made it more of a point to do my devotions and make a list of prayer requests. I'm devoting more personal time to God and it feels really good to be doing something so beneficial to my mental health.

I thank you so much for the recent amount of views I've been receiving. Through your support I'm seeing endless hope and promises for this blog. There's nothing I love more than being able to share my journey with you. I hope you all have a wonderful week, and feel free to contact me with any questions/prayer requests.

Love,
Marissa Mayer