Monday, September 26, 2016

Father Forever

Happy Depressed But Blessed Monday! Hope you all had a great weekend. This past week was homecoming week for me, so I was quite busy and got somewhat worried when I realized today I needed to write a post. Anyways, here goes...

I know that there are many high school seniors who feel somewhat sad at the thought of all the "lasts". I, unfortunately, do not fall into that category. As I approach all of these lasts, I am getting more and more excited to the future that lies ahead. I know that many people would tell me to appreciate these high school days as I have them, however, high school has not been the best years of my life and I'm more than ready to "leave the nest", as one might say. 

So last week, as we went through the fun homecoming activities of the week, I was rather uninterested. Perhaps it was due to the fact that I was in the process of moving, so I was busy at both home and school. I also had a ton of quizzes, tests, and essays to complete and even as it is now Monday, I feel completely drained. I ran on little sleep, lots of caffeine, and an abundance of prayer.

Midweek, I realized I hadn't seen my dad in awhile. Since the beginning of the divorce process, I have not kept the set living schedule with each parent, mostly because I'd just rather stay with my mom. However, I for some reason, missed my dad and went to go see him. It wasn't until I left when I realized that I don't talk to him very often. We exchange the occasional text messages and talk mostly of school and work when I do make the time to visit him. I feel like things just aren't the same as they used to be.

I pushed the thought aside, and it didn't hit me until the next day. I was leaving band and a sudden sadness knocked all contentment out of me. My hot tears were out of pain, jealousy, and a strong want for my old dad. The one who did fun things with me, who made time for me, and who I looked to for comfort. I felt broken and upset. I needed that father figure in my life.

Looking back on the pain I felt, I can now say that while it still hurts a little, I've come to understand that I have a father to look to. There are children all across the world that live with one parent. Without my dad always present, I see the most beautiful strength in my mom. I also look to my band director who has acted as not only a teacher and friend, but also as a dad to me. At the end of the day, it's all about God the Father. He has brought me through many trials, forgiven me of my sins, and shown me an everlasting love through His Son. He walks me out of the darkness and to the light. Even when I feel like I'm standing alone, God is not only my comfort, but has also put wonderful people in my life who will guide me in my faith and beyond.

He always provides,
Marissa Mayer
xoxo

Monday, September 19, 2016

An Assorted Post

Happy Monday to all my Depressed But Blessed viewers! I've got some thoughts/feelings I need to let out, so here's just another "assorted ideas" post.

I woke u and got ready for the day determined to fight anything that came my way. I'm not sure if it was the weather or the fact that today is pajama day (homecoming week), but unfortunately, the mindset was lost shortly after arriving to school. I kind of crashed and lacked motivation and focus for a majority of the day. Classic wave of depression.

It was one of those days that took a little strength to get out of bed and I'm somewhat fearful of the paralyzing state of depression I went through last spring. The constant crying behind my closed bedroom door- in a dark and lonely room. Just holding onto myself, praying for the storm to pass.

I'm so glad to say that the storm did pass when summer approached, but now that the dark season is rolling around again, I'm trying to prepare myself for the transition of seasons. However, I don't want to go into it by myself this time and I'm sure you don't either. So, I had this brilliant idea of getting in closer contact with my viewers. 

If you or someone you know struggles with depression/anxiety (or any other disorder) that tends to get a little chaotic in the fall/winter months, send me an email so I can start a prayer list. Even if it has nothing to do with your mental health, I'd love nothing more than to stand by your side in prayer and help you through whatever is troubling you. If you're interested you can email me at: marissa.mayer17@gmail.com or contact me on Facebook, Twitter, or Instagram. 

Stronger together, united in Christ,
Marissa Mayer


Tuesday, September 13, 2016

9.13.16

Happy Tuesday! I'm sorry I didn't post yesterday...I didn't have much time or motivation. However, the new schedule for my blogging with be on Mondays. I have a study hall at the end of the day, so a new post should be up by 3:15 (CT). If not, it should be posted by Monday evening. If something comes up and I'm unable to write, I will be sure to send out a tweet just to let you know that I'm working on it.

I suppose I don't have any real content for you, but this is just an informative post- updating you on myself. As you might have already noticed, I use the date as the title when this is the case.

This past week went quite well. I spent pretty much every day this weekend with my best friend and she kept me in a good mood. But then Sunday rolled around. For some reason, Sundays are my least favorite day of the week. I know you're probably thinking, "but that's the day you go to church!" which is true. But once I get home and the afternoon comes around, I am usually a little down. I normally blame it on the stress of the Monday to come, but this time things felt different.

I was upset with some things my mom had said to me, I had homework to do, and on top of it all, the weather was dreary. Frustrated, I left my house for some "me time".

After talking to a friend and spending some time alone, I cheered up a little. Looking back now, I can clearly see that I was being somewhat immature and just an over hormonal teenager. Thankfully, things were fixed after a quick run to Taco Bell and some Netflix (also with my best friend).

Today, I woke up and I felt the weight of depression on top of me. I stayed in bed a lot longer than I should have and it took a lot of work to get up. Usually, I rely on coffee to keep me going, but today was rough. My classes took forever to pass and nothing exciting happened. Trying to be somewhat optimistic, I'm hoping things get better because the day isn't over yet!

I hope you're all doing well...I know that with the colder season approaching things might get rough, but we're all in this together (High School Musical reference not intended).

Love and prayers,
Marissa Mayer

Want updates?
Follow me on Twitter: @_mayerssa_
and Instagram: @marii_mayy


Tuesday, September 6, 2016

Emotional Rollercoaster

Good afternoon and happy Tuesday! Hope you're all doing better than ever. Before I begin, you should probably know that this was written on Friday, so the content would be fresh, yet is being delivered to you today instead.

Today (this past Friday), my depression met me in the car. I was on my way to school and I was prepared to take on the last day of school before a 3 day weekend. Coffee in my hand, I turned on some music and squinted as I headed east towards school (because classic Marissa forgot her sunglasses...again).

I focused on the road and thought about the exciting weekend ahead of me. I made most of the green lights on my way to school and then I suddenly slowed down to a red light. It was at that exact moment that I felt it push me.

My eyes filled with tears and my heart sank. Not ready for another round, I told myself, "No, Marissa, don't let it trip you. Fight it." But the minute the thought crossed my mind, I felt my body exhale, as if to say, "but it's too hard." And that, my friends, is the problem with depression. It's a constant battle where you're unable to find the strength to fight. Thankfully, I have a Savior who fought sin, death, and the devil for me. While the devil bothers me now, he has been defeated by Christ. 

By the time I made it to school I was crying and immediately called someone I knew I could make me feel better. She prayed for me and I continued throughout my day. However, the devil wasn't done messing with me.

My emotions were on a roller coaster and it was extremely obvious not only to me, but I'm sure, to others. One minute I could be laughing and having a fine day, and the next, it was like I had been punched in the stomach and someone had tightened the knot in the back of my throat.

With anxiety along for the ride, I felt uncomfortable and socially afraid of what people were thinking about me. I thought of myself as a walking train wreck.

As it's now Tuesday, I wish I could say that things really turned around after that, but I don't think they did. On Sunday I faced another round of emotional ups and downs and let me tell you, it was incredibly frustrating, and not to mention, embarrassing.

But today was a pretty good day for me, as it was good to be diving back into the school setting and surrounded with God's Word in every classroom. While my struggle with mental health feels constant, I know that I can lift my eyes to the cross. It is then that we can find strength, forgiveness, peace, and an everlasting love.

In Christ's comfort I find stability and peace,
Marissa Mayer

Monday, August 29, 2016

When The World Shifts

Good afternoon everyone! Today I was met by a blog reader in the hallway at school and she was wondering when I would post next. Thought it was a good reminder to write today! Got some good thoughts to share...

I recently received some bad news about a loved one with cancer. When I first received the news, my heart fell to the pit of my stomach. I sobbed in my car and when I got home, I fell to my bed and prayed out loud.

I'm sure we can all relate to a time when things took a turn for the worst. For me, the most significant was my parents' divorce. As an adopted child, I had to watch another family fall apart. Earlier, I had lost my grandmother to lung cancer. Things throughout life hadn't always seemed to be going the way I wanted them.

Let's even take a step back and look at slightly less drastic circumstances. Maybe you didn't make a sports team, or failed a big test you had studied endlessly for. Perhaps you didn't get into your dream college, or your boyfriend broke his promise of "loving you forever".

It's the change of schedule, the sudden "shift" in life that messes with us, habitual beings. Despite this, where do we turn? The answer: Jesus.

While praying, I remembered this: God is good at all times...despite any circumstances. I know I say it to you a lot, and I think that's why it came to mind. Jesus is my Savior...He died on the cross for my sins, so why would He leave me now? He's brought me so far...given me the strength to continue when I didn't think I could. God is love. He is our source of comfort, and our Shepherd who will provide for us for eternally.

"For I am convinced that neither death nor life, neither angels nor demons, neither the present nor the future, nor any powers, neither height nor depth, nor anything else in all creation, will be able to separate us from the love of God that is in Christ Jesus our Lord." -Romans 8:38-39

When the world is shaken, His love holds firm,
Marissa Mayer

Wednesday, August 24, 2016

Chasing The Faith

Good evening all...so I just started back at school (senior year...say what?!) and things are gonna get busy real quick. However, I thought I'd write tonight since I've got a few ideas.

I didn't realize just how much I had pushed my faith to the side this summer until I walked back into the doors of Lutheran High. The classes began with prayers and devotions and it felt good to be surrounded with both familiar and new teachers and classmates. Being back at school with fellow believers was refreshing.

While it was easy to slip away from the daily routine of prayer this summer, I've come to the conclusion that I wanna "jump back in". I see tons of people living their lives as strong Christians, and I've never seen anybody as happy as they are. That's what I want. I want people to ask what makes me so happy, and I want to be able to firmly respond with "Jesus!"

I want to feel God work in my heart. To feel Him strengthen my faith and allow me to share that with others. I've had so many problems with keeping the right people in my life and getting rid of the wrong ones. So I'm going to keep chasing after my faith, harder than ever, and if they can keep up, then I guess those are the supportive people that will help me grow in my faith. The people that truly deserve a spot in my life. Really, I want healthy relationships with those around me. Less negativity. I don't want to slip back into the depression that usually comes with gloomier weather. I don't want to survive...I want to thrive. 

The other morning, I was incredibly anxious about my first day of school. I thought it was silly; I've been going to the same school for 3 years! However, I was restless. But for the first time in a long time, I found myself back in God's Word. All on my own. I wrote down some verses from Matthew about how we needn't worry about the future because God cares for us. It was comforting and my heart found peace.

Like I've said before, I don't always look to God when I should. But now, I'm ready. I can't wait to keep seeing these blessings, and for my faith to grow. God is good at all times.

Here's to a good school year and an even better faith,
Marissa Mayer

P.S. If you're interested in diving a little deeper in your faith, join me! I'll hopefully be tweeting some bible verses. Follow me @depressbless on Twitter! Love you all. 

Thursday, August 18, 2016

Needing A Hero

Good evening all...hope you're all doing better than ever. I truly apologize for the recent lack of activity. I've had writer's block for such a long time.

I've said it before, but I'll say it again...I really really gotta start relying more on God. 

I recently said goodbye to some old friends. My relationships with them were toxic. I was constantly hurting, but gave them endless chances and was numb to the apologies. You might be asking why I stayed friends with these people for so long anyways. I suppose that in my head, the good outweighed the bad. However, in reality, it took a lot of pain before I let go. I used to go to both of them when I wasn't feeling okay, and I can now see that I should have went to God first. Reliance can be tricky to understand, and I wasn't using it correctly.

As a 17 year old, I'm extremely independent. My depression, however, makes me quite dependent. Especially on my mom and some other close friends. It can be easy to say that I want to do it all on my own. But that isn't realistic. God has placed some amazing people in my life. We've been put into the family of Christ with the purpose to love and serve each other. And that's great...as long as we are helping in the right way. 

It's okay to admit you need help. But when you're getting the wrong kind, don't be afraid to look to God. I've learned the hard way that I can't be my own hero. And there's a lot of people who can't help me either. But that's okay, because I am saved by the Ultimate Hero. Jesus Christ. Without Him, I'd be nothing. 

The past few days, it's as if I can feel my depression lurking nearby. I wouldn't be surprised if it came around again...my handful of "good months" are coming to a close. However, I'm ready to fight. With Christ, I am ready to conquer yet another round of darkness. 

For I cannot save myself,
Marissa Mayer