Monday, October 24, 2016


Happy Depressed But Blessed Monday!

Unfortunately I can't really write much's the night of the fall concert and so I'm pretty busy, somewhat anxious, but mostly excited to praise the Lord with the music department here at school.

I've been doing pretty well lately, school has been decent. I had the opportunity to worship with the symphonic band this weekend and that was extremely refreshing. I'm still somewhat frustrated with my job, as I feel like I need a break for awhile. Kinda just need some time for myself, but I also need the money, so I'm stuck in a rough spot.

Hope you're all doing great...wish I had more time to write. Keeping you in my prayers now and always.

Blessings on your week,
Marissa Mayer

Monday, October 17, 2016

The Learning Process

Happy Depressed But Blessed Monday...sorry it's late again. Wrote most of this in Calculus this morning...

I thought I wouldn't have any content for today but as I write this, it's only shortly after 8 AM and I already have a lot on my mind. I failed another Calculus quiz. I'm frustrated because I understand these concepts but I get points taken off because I use my own methods or my answer could use more detail. Well, when the quiz is only out of a few points it's easy to slip down the grading scale.

I feel dumb because everyone in this classroom is doing better than me. I'm tired of being defined by my grades and being stressed out by school. On top of it all, the weather is cloudy and my motivation is at an all time low. I leave school or come in late due to my inability to handle classes. I stay home to catch up on sleep because my depression has me feeling lethargic lately. When I have a bad day it's easier for me to leave my problems behind the doors of my school and sleep off the bad feelings (well, usually that works).

My emotions are unsteady- ready to break me when even slightly provoked. And I hate myself for that. I look at myself and think I'm stupid. I feel like I'm trapped inside a body I hate. A heart that aches and a mind that begs for endless rest. I could sleep forever and it wouldn't be enough. But procrastination and my thoughts keep me awake at night. I just need a period of time to recover and I can't because the weekends just don't cut it anymore.

I feel like I'm sick with something nobody sees- and I suppose that's mental illness itself. And I guess if we can't see it, it's easy to dismiss. I've had to make accommodations for myself even when it was uncomfortable. I forced myself to inform my teachers and work with them to decide what would work for me and what wouldn't. However, as a mental health advocate it hurts me to know that there are other students across the world who feel like I do and struggle through school because they don't want to tell teachers. And if you're reading this and that's you, I encourage you to talk to a teacher or counselor about it. Most teachers are incredibly understanding about you needing extra time for things or needing to see them outside of class if necessary. It's something I learned to do for myself, and I'm going to have to learn to do it all over again when I make my journey to college.

I suppose I've just been hurting lately because the season is changing and I'm not fully prepared. I'm being tough on myself and I really shouldn't be. That's something else I depression runs with the weather like clockwork. I've also learned that sometimes I just need to take a step back, sit in my depression for a bit (this is usually when I sleep), and then push on. Occasionally I know I need to throw myself into a group of people and engage with them, despite how uncomfortable it might make me. I also feel upset lately because of social issues. It's hard having friends when they don't always know how to handle you. And unfortunately, my best friend is off at college so I don't see him as often. But he's always there for me and helps me when I need it.

To summarize this mess of a post, I want you to know that it's important to know your depression. It's somewhat easier to overcome another round when you know exactly what you're facing. Learn all about yours. Learn what really makes it flare up, or perhaps how often it comes around. Learn what makes you feel better. Learn who is going to be there for you when you truly need it. Learn more about how God's promises can give you comfort when you need it, because He will never break them. He will never leave you, sometimes He just gives you space to grow. 

Blessings and love to all of you,
Marissa Mayer

Monday, October 10, 2016

A Frightening Freedom

Good evening all, and happy Monday! So I don't have a whole lot to say today, but I recently wrote a memoir for my English class and I thought I'd share it with you. If some of the lines sound familiar, it's probably because I pulled some of it from my blog :) Anyways, here you go:

Nobody told me that growing up would bring so much change, accompanied by pain. On some days, I wish endlessly to relive the simplicity of my childhood. Smiles, laughter and endless fun occupied sunny days, and in the eyes of a child, life was perfect. The abrupt shift in my life, from childhood to adolescence, brought brokenness, unanswered questions and a sense of self-hate. During the beginning of my battle with depression, I was determined to find my own answers by giving up, and giving in to a frightening freedom known as suicide.

At ten years old, the term “suicide” was defined for me in a shadowy grade school classroom. My classmates and I learned about bullying and how sometimes it hurt people to the point where they chose to take their own life. As naive children, it was impossible for us to fathom. Years passed, and questions stormed into my mind. Why didn’t my biological parents love me like they were supposed to? Why was my heart feeling so void? Life continued to spiral downwards as I faced bullying, pressure from my biological family, and the death of my grandmother.

As if I hadn’t been tossed around enough, the devil took a big swing at my family, and knocked me down even further. My parents’ marriage shattered at the blink of an eye and my heart burned with anger. If life was a card game, I kept getting dealt a bad hand. I begged and pleaded God to remove me from this situation. His silence frustrated me because I needed answers immediately. I decided that if God wasn’t going to help me, I was going to have to help myself.

The warm summer day rolled into a cool evening and I formed a barely breathing figure on my bed. Voices in my head continued to hiss at me and remind me how much I was hurting. My body ached from the inside and I forced myself to remember to breathe. The world was dark whether my eyes were open or not. Convinced life was no longer worth my time, I slowly limped down the stairs of my house. My leg throbbed, and I could almost feel the cold, sharp blade against my upper thigh again. I recalled a few nights before sitting in the shower, letting my tears mix with the water. I inflicted physical pain upon myself, in hopes of the emotional pain subsiding. My body, on autopilot, reached the bottom of the stairwell and I stared at the ghost in the mirror that faced me. Anxiety had worn my body down to virtually skin and bones, and utter sadness sat where my sparkling eyes once shined with happiness. I trudged slowly to the bathroom, wondering how many more minutes until my heart stopped beating.

I remembered the notebook upstairs under my bed. Its pages were stained with tears and ink that somehow spelled out handfuls of apologies for what I was about to do. Before I knew it, the bathroom door had quietly been shut by my trembling hands. I reached for the medicine cabinet and took out as many medications as I could find. I popped open the first bottle with ease and slowly poured its content into my greedy hands. An internal battle pierced my soul but I was determined to leave the pain behind. The demons that filled my mind kept drowning me with lies and I felt eager to cave. My fingers quivered as I ran them slowly over the poisonous caplets of freedom, and I counted them slowly, one by one. Deep in my heart, I knew this wasn’t what I wanted, but the abyss in my mind had convinced me otherwise. A monster, known as depression, was living inside me under the control of Satan. Tears blurred my vision and I heard a voice as clear as day, ring from the depths of my heart, “Marissa, my child, you are loved.” The voice faded and I found myself wishing it would return. Immediately, my mother entered the bathroom just in time to tear the bottle from my hands.
In the following weeks, she made me sleep in her room, all medications were removed from the house, and I wasn’t let out of anyone’s sight. I’d be lying if I said that this was my only attempt, or the end of my depression. Unfortunately, I face my own set of challenges on a daily basis. Some days, I feel so crippled I cannot perform basic functions such as doing homework, interacting with others, or taking care of myself. Days still come around when I sit on the bathroom tile just to remind myself that I can feel the cold.

While God never promised me that life was going to be easy, He did promise me that I’ll never have to face it alone. He sent me wonderful people to look after me and love me when I get tired of fighting. Most importantly He sent me His Son so that someday, in His timing, I can rest in eternal paradise. When I face the shadows of depression, I can rest assured in the fact that Christ beholds peace, comfort, forgiveness, everlasting love, and a freedom that is much better than my own.

So much love & thanks,
Marissa Mayer

Monday, September 26, 2016

Father Forever

Happy Depressed But Blessed Monday! Hope you all had a great weekend. This past week was homecoming week for me, so I was quite busy and got somewhat worried when I realized today I needed to write a post. Anyways, here goes...

I know that there are many high school seniors who feel somewhat sad at the thought of all the "lasts". I, unfortunately, do not fall into that category. As I approach all of these lasts, I am getting more and more excited to the future that lies ahead. I know that many people would tell me to appreciate these high school days as I have them, however, high school has not been the best years of my life and I'm more than ready to "leave the nest", as one might say. 

So last week, as we went through the fun homecoming activities of the week, I was rather uninterested. Perhaps it was due to the fact that I was in the process of moving, so I was busy at both home and school. I also had a ton of quizzes, tests, and essays to complete and even as it is now Monday, I feel completely drained. I ran on little sleep, lots of caffeine, and an abundance of prayer.

Midweek, I realized I hadn't seen my dad in awhile. Since the beginning of the divorce process, I have not kept the set living schedule with each parent, mostly because I'd just rather stay with my mom. However, I for some reason, missed my dad and went to go see him. It wasn't until I left when I realized that I don't talk to him very often. We exchange the occasional text messages and talk mostly of school and work when I do make the time to visit him. I feel like things just aren't the same as they used to be.

I pushed the thought aside, and it didn't hit me until the next day. I was leaving band and a sudden sadness knocked all contentment out of me. My hot tears were out of pain, jealousy, and a strong want for my old dad. The one who did fun things with me, who made time for me, and who I looked to for comfort. I felt broken and upset. I needed that father figure in my life.

Looking back on the pain I felt, I can now say that while it still hurts a little, I've come to understand that I have a father to look to. There are children all across the world that live with one parent. Without my dad always present, I see the most beautiful strength in my mom. I also look to my band director who has acted as not only a teacher and friend, but also as a dad to me. At the end of the day, it's all about God the Father. He has brought me through many trials, forgiven me of my sins, and shown me an everlasting love through His Son. He walks me out of the darkness and to the light. Even when I feel like I'm standing alone, God is not only my comfort, but has also put wonderful people in my life who will guide me in my faith and beyond.

He always provides,
Marissa Mayer

Monday, September 19, 2016

An Assorted Post

Happy Monday to all my Depressed But Blessed viewers! I've got some thoughts/feelings I need to let out, so here's just another "assorted ideas" post.

I woke up and got ready for the day determined to fight anything that came my way. I'm not sure if it was the weather or the fact that today is pajama day (homecoming week), but unfortunately, the mindset was lost shortly after arriving to school. I kind of crashed and lacked motivation and focus for a majority of the day. Classic wave of depression.

It was one of those days that took a little strength to get out of bed and I'm somewhat fearful of the paralyzing state of depression I went through last spring. The constant crying behind my closed bedroom door- in a dark and lonely room. Just holding onto myself, praying for the storm to pass.

I'm so glad to say that the storm did pass when summer approached, but now that the dark season is rolling around again, I'm trying to prepare myself for the transition of seasons. However, I don't want to go into it by myself this time and I'm sure you don't either. So, I had this brilliant idea of getting in closer contact with my viewers. 

If you or someone you know struggles with depression/anxiety (or any other disorder) that tends to get a little chaotic in the fall/winter months, send me an email so I can start a prayer list. Even if it has nothing to do with your mental health, I'd love nothing more than to stand by your side in prayer and help you through whatever is troubling you. If you're interested you can email me at: or contact me on Facebook, Twitter, or Instagram. 

Stronger together, united in Christ,
Marissa Mayer

Tuesday, September 13, 2016


Happy Tuesday! I'm sorry I didn't post yesterday...I didn't have much time or motivation. However, the new schedule for my blogging with be on Mondays. I have a study hall at the end of the day, so a new post should be up by 3:15 (CT). If not, it should be posted by Monday evening. If something comes up and I'm unable to write, I will be sure to send out a tweet just to let you know that I'm working on it.

I suppose I don't have any real content for you, but this is just an informative post- updating you on myself. As you might have already noticed, I use the date as the title when this is the case.

This past week went quite well. I spent pretty much every day this weekend with my best friend and she kept me in a good mood. But then Sunday rolled around. For some reason, Sundays are my least favorite day of the week. I know you're probably thinking, "but that's the day you go to church!" which is true. But once I get home and the afternoon comes around, I am usually a little down. I normally blame it on the stress of the Monday to come, but this time things felt different.

I was upset with some things my mom had said to me, I had homework to do, and on top of it all, the weather was dreary. Frustrated, I left my house for some "me time".

After talking to a friend and spending some time alone, I cheered up a little. Looking back now, I can clearly see that I was being somewhat immature and just an over hormonal teenager. Thankfully, things were fixed after a quick run to Taco Bell and some Netflix (also with my best friend).

Today, I woke up and I felt the weight of depression on top of me. I stayed in bed a lot longer than I should have and it took a lot of work to get up. Usually, I rely on coffee to keep me going, but today was rough. My classes took forever to pass and nothing exciting happened. Trying to be somewhat optimistic, I'm hoping things get better because the day isn't over yet!

I hope you're all doing well...I know that with the colder season approaching things might get rough, but we're all in this together (High School Musical reference not intended).

Love and prayers,
Marissa Mayer

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Tuesday, September 6, 2016

Emotional Rollercoaster

Good afternoon and happy Tuesday! Hope you're all doing better than ever. Before I begin, you should probably know that this was written on Friday, so the content would be fresh, yet is being delivered to you today instead.

Today (this past Friday), my depression met me in the car. I was on my way to school and I was prepared to take on the last day of school before a 3 day weekend. Coffee in my hand, I turned on some music and squinted as I headed east towards school (because classic Marissa forgot her sunglasses...again).

I focused on the road and thought about the exciting weekend ahead of me. I made most of the green lights on my way to school and then I suddenly slowed down to a red light. It was at that exact moment that I felt it push me.

My eyes filled with tears and my heart sank. Not ready for another round, I told myself, "No, Marissa, don't let it trip you. Fight it." But the minute the thought crossed my mind, I felt my body exhale, as if to say, "but it's too hard." And that, my friends, is the problem with depression. It's a constant battle where you're unable to find the strength to fight. Thankfully, I have a Savior who fought sin, death, and the devil for me. While the devil bothers me now, he has been defeated by Christ. 

By the time I made it to school I was crying and immediately called someone I knew I could make me feel better. She prayed for me and I continued throughout my day. However, the devil wasn't done messing with me.

My emotions were on a roller coaster and it was extremely obvious not only to me, but I'm sure, to others. One minute I could be laughing and having a fine day, and the next, it was like I had been punched in the stomach and someone had tightened the knot in the back of my throat.

With anxiety along for the ride, I felt uncomfortable and socially afraid of what people were thinking about me. I thought of myself as a walking train wreck.

As it's now Tuesday, I wish I could say that things really turned around after that, but I don't think they did. On Sunday I faced another round of emotional ups and downs and let me tell you, it was incredibly frustrating, and not to mention, embarrassing.

But today was a pretty good day for me, as it was good to be diving back into the school setting and surrounded with God's Word in every classroom. While my struggle with mental health feels constant, I know that I can lift my eyes to the cross. It is then that we can find strength, forgiveness, peace, and an everlasting love.

In Christ's comfort I find stability and peace,
Marissa Mayer