Monday, March 20, 2017

Continually Humbled

Happy Monday! Sorry this is late, I had technical difficulties last week so let's hope things are working now...

One of the most beautiful things about being a blogger is this: I have the freedom to share my thoughts and experiences with the world, and sometimes the creativity actually comes before the typing. While on most occasions I type whatever comes to mind, there have been times when I hand write first. Physically holding my thoughts in front of me helps me cope with my feelings. It's completely personal, it's me.

Each day I sit in my A.P. Literature class and as it comes right after lunch, I tend to lose focus. Thus, that's when my creativity peaks (so I'm sure you can guess when this post was originally written). I'm always doodling or jotting down little notes to keep my mind busy (on another side note, I still do well in the class, so don't think I'm slacking too much!).

Anyways, as an update, I guess I'm doing okay. The side effects of medication were somewhat irritating at first, however they've definitely subsided. I'm getting more sleep, eating slightly less, and I haven't shed a tear once since, well...weeks ago. The lows just aren't as low anymore, so I feel like I'm just...content (I guess that's the only word I can think of). I saw my psychiatrist today and we decided to keep me on the same dosage and check in again later this year.

With this feeling of stability comes a sense of independence. I acknowledge that things are going well and have become slightly ignorant of my faith. It has seemed like I push God to the back burner and said, "hey thanks, I got it from here." Well, on Wednesday His Law set me right back in my place. The sermon was about Pontius Pilate and the releasing of Barabbas as the people sent Christ to the cross on Calvary. It was easy to think Pilate was terrible for allowing the crucifixion of an innocent man, but I was then reminded that I fall into the same category. My ignorance, my sins, the things I have left undone, and just my overall sinful, selfish, helpless self, all sent him to the cross too. So there I was...sitting in worship, and once again humbled at the reminder of my sins. Through His Word, He showed me that I deserved nothing but death, yet even though I sent Him to the cross, He continues to bless me daily on top of giving me salvation through my faith. And this is all done merely out of His love.

I am always finding myself in a cycle of feeling angry- as if God were not helping me, then being brought back around to remember I've been washed clean through baptism and He's done more for me than I can even fathom. As a human being, I am 100% sinner, therefore I can't even really grasp just how perfect Christ is and how wonderful His death and resurrection actually is. It never fails to be enough for me. Yet, I am 100% saint. Redeemed, loved, and given a life in eternity with Christ. Beautiful. Breathtaking. Life-giving.

As long as I have my faith, there's always that hope in Christ. On my own, I can do nothing. While I feel emotionally "content", the cross gives me everlasting joy. I am His and I will continue to bask in His love and overflowing blessings for now into eternity.

Love,
Marissa Mayer

Monday, March 6, 2017

3.6.17

Monday.

Here I am. Another week. And this time, I have some good news.

On Friday I saw a psychiatrist and was prescribed medication. I've been waiting forever to finally start being able to live a little more freely without constantly worrying about myself. Depression is feeling like your ten steps behind the rest of everyone else, and then anxiety makes you worry about it. Obsessively concerned about your own well-being when you know you really don't want to be.

I'm so excited to start this. Hopefully it eases the anxiety and allows me to function a little bit more like a normal person. Maybe I'll be able to focus better in class or get some more sleep. Whatever the results, I'm praying they make me feel a little more stabilized. Of course there are side effects, some of which have already kicked in. They're pretty manageable which is really nice since that's something I was originally a little scared of.

I also had a really good weekend. I worked on Saturday and then went to the symphony that evening with some friends. To top it off, I had a very relaxing Sunday and was able to worship with the band.

I'm so ready to start this journey. It's a relief knowing that I'm finally getting the help I need.

Praying you're all doing just as well. So incredibly blessed for your support. Thank you all, 18,000+ views and we're still going.

Incredibly blessed,
Marissa Mayer

Monday, February 27, 2017

2.27.17

Happy Monday! Here's to the start of another week and just a little update for you.

For those of you who don't already know, I play saxophone. I have been for 5 years and this weekend I played a solo at solo and ensemble. This is essentially an event where you get judged on your performance of a particular piece. Last year, I had gotten to the state level. This year, I worked even harder and was determined to make another trip to state, especially seeing it's my senior year.

I stood at the front of the room and introduced myself confidently. I knew this piece like the back of my hand and was more than prepared to do well. And I nailed it. I felt the music move and I was calm. The judge said some really positive things about my performance and then a little bit of critique which wasn't unusual. I left feeling confident and returned later only to see that I didn't make it to state.

I'm not going to lie, I cried. I sat in a Starbucks parking lot and sobbed. Beyond feeling like total trash about the fact that I didn't feel good enough, I recognized that it was somewhat stupid. Why did I feel so bad about this? I knew it was a relatively small problem, and I hated the fact that it felt so...big. Thankfully, a night well spent with my music family made me feel better (shoutout to my band/choir friends for your support).

On a brighter note, my dad has finally agreed to let me get some help. I have an appointment to see a psychiatrist in mid-March and I've never been more excited to receive treatment. I'm praying that that goes well.

Other than that, I guess life's been pretty uneventful. I filled out a scholarship application and I'm currently working on finding a roommate. I hope you all have a wonderful week! Sending love and prayers.

Love,
Marissa Mayer 

Wednesday, February 22, 2017

Saved By Consistency

I'm not sure what to say other than this: it's been a rough one.

Early last week I was upset by a handful of minor things. Life just seemed like too much again. Upset, I sat in my car and sobbed. On the way to my dad's, I could feel this overwhelming pain sitting inside me. My hands were shaky on the steering wheel. How easy it would be to crash my car. So easy. One quick movement and I could be on the side of the road, potentially unconscious, or dead.

Thankfully, I was still sane enough to know that this wasn't an okay state of mind to be in, and that I should get myself help. I called the suicide hotline and talked to a nice lady who got me through the rest of the ride home. Upon arriving at home, my dad gave me a hug and said he would find a doctor for me to see.

Again, on Thursday night, I couldn't get away from the weight of depression on my shoulders. It hurt. Tears flooded my eyes. When would the pain pass? My mom came into my room and asked if I needed help and I told her it just hurt to breathe and that I didn't want to live anymore. Worried, she asked me multiple times if she needed to take me into the hospital. I refused. The small bit of logic left in me said "No, you don't have time. You have things to do." Exhausted and sick, I fell asleep and ended up staying home the next day.

Over the course of the week, I've received so much love and support from my family, friends, and classmates. On Monday I went out to lunch with a friend of mine who is like a big sister to me. She's simply amazing and I cannot express how appreciative I am for the time we spent together. On top of that, I got texts and phone calls from people making sure I'm okay and telling me to feel better.

*Side note: I've had a really terrible cold for a week too. Lots of coughing, congestion, sinus headaches, and the occasional fever. Thankfully I'm feeling better today*

Yesterday I saw a post on Facebook that read this:

"I believe in God. Not because my parents told me to. Not because my church told me to. But because I've experienced Him."

I did a lot of thinking and this is where I stand. I don't need to "experience" God to know He's real or to believe in Him. He blessed me with the faith through Baptism and His Word. He has redeemed me and calls me His own. I don't "feel God"... I trust in Him because His Word told me to! God fulfills His promises because that's His perfect nature. He is consistently good to me even when I don't deserve it. Sins? Now forgiven. Death? Now life. He doesn't change, even when things get hard for me. Even when this world turns upside down, and I'm ready to call it quits, God still provides for me, loves me, and saves me.

That's the beautiful thing about depression, I guess. Once I reach rock-bottom, there's nowhere else to go but up and out, even if it takes awhile. When I'm sitting in the shadows, God never fails to take me by the hand and make sure I get out of it. That's not an "experience", that's a promise. Fulfilled. And if you still think you need to "feel God" to have a relationship with Him, I encourage you to check out His Word and see what He's already done and continues to do for you!

Even though my depression is always changing, my God is forever faithful. I am saved by His constant love and forgiveness of my sins. 

For I have been saved by grace through faith,
Marissa Mayer

Monday, February 13, 2017

Love Yourself?

In my last post, I referenced my idea of some good theological thoughts I wanted to share regarding love. And seeing Valentine's Day is coming up, it seemed appropriate for today. So here it is.

I can't count the amount of times I've seen tweets/posts about people saying: You have to love yourself first before you can love somebody else. 

This statement brought a lot of questions to my mind lately. First, what does loving yourself even mean?

For those of you who know me personally, I'm sure you could probably make a list of characteristics that you love about me. But when I think of love, in the context of myself, I think it's virtually impossible at first glance. Why? Because first and foremost, I am a sinner. I am disobedient all the time and constantly fall short of God's Law. I lie, I covet, I disrespect my parents. The list of sins is endless. Not only that, but I was completely dead in my sins. I'm so terrible, I can't actually even make the decision to believe in God to try and help myself. Looks like I'm in pretty rough shape, doesn't it?

That's where the real love comes in. Jesus Christ. The perfect definition of love was through His sacrifice on the cross, as He laid down His life for His bride, the Church. That's me! A part of the body of believers, I was in desperate need of salvation (remember, I'm 100% dead in my sins). Perfectly fulfilling the Law, Jesus served as the atoning sacrifice. Despite every atrocious sin I have committed and will ever commit, He loved me enough to bear the burden of my sins on the cross. Every time I screw up, I am forgiven. 

Love...it's not about me. It's all about Him. When I look in the mirror each day, instead of saying, "Wow I love myself", I should remember my baptism, and how by His grace, the sinner in me is drowned each and every day. I can look in the mirror and say, "The God who created me, loves me. Enough to send His Son to save a poor, miserable sinner like me." That's where the beauty is. I don't necessarily "love myself" but I sure do love Christ who has renewed my heart and set me free from the bondage of sin, death, and the devil.

This weekend, I again had the opportunity to kneel at the rail next to my band family, and let me tell you, being able to partake in the body and blood of Christ, it never fails to amaze me. His love, His grace, His endless mercy, never fails. It is always sufficient. And that, my friends, is true love.

A sinner, made righteous by His unchanging love,
Marissa Mayer

Galatians 2:20
I have been crucified with Christ. It is no longer I who live, but Christ who lives in me. And the life I now live in the flesh I live by faith in the Son of God, who loved me and gave himself for me.

Romans 8:38-39
For I am sure that neither death nor life, nor angels nor rulers, nor things present nor things to come, nor powers, nor height nor depth, nor anything else in all creation, will be able to separate us from the love of God in Christ Jesus our Lord. 

Romans 5:8
But God shows his love for us in that while we were still sinners, Christ died for us.


Monday, February 6, 2017

It's The Small Stuff

Another Monday.

I apologize for not writing last week, I'm pretty stressed. I had a good post idea in mind, regarding some cool theological stuff that had crossed my mind, so perhaps I'll get around to pulling that together for you sometime this week. No guarantees.

I'm preparing for a music scholarship audition on Saturday and I'm getting a little nervous. On a brighter note, I dropped A.P. Calculus for a study hall, so now my schedule is so much easier for me and there's a lot less stress on my plate.

I guess I was doing pretty well. I kept busy with music stuff, school, and work, so my mind didn't have time to wander. And then there was Sunday. My least favorite day of the week.

I didn't go to church yesterday (that's my plan for tonight), and I didn't do all that much. Sundays for me are always terrible because it's the end of the weekend and I come face to face with the realization that another hectic week lies ahead. I went to bed feeling kind of emotionally unstable (there's genuinely no good way for me to describe it) and had hope that a new morning was ahead of me.

Except it wasn't.

I woke up to the sound of my alarm, moaned, and shut it off. From the moment my body had woken up, I felt it. The presence of weight on my shoulders and just an overall heaviness on my chest. I slept longer than I should have, and finally managed to roll out of bed. This whole getting up every day, is sometimes a challenge in itself, making the day ahead even worse.

My first two morning classes are band and choir so I hoped that would cheer me up. My director selected my favorite band piece to work on today, but I couldn't get myself into the right musical frame of mind to shape the music and play it appropriately. On top of that, I was having technical difficulties with my instrument. Choir was a little better, but not by much. I'm sick with a cold so I couldn't hear myself sing very well, and it was frustrating.

Writing all of this now, I feel like all of these stupid little things should be nothing. But they aren't. To me, they're challenges that add up to irritate me. I'm getting tired of it. I also am losing a lot of motivation to write again because my blog has lately become my outlet for complaining, which I know isn't good content at all.

It is the small stuff. It bothers me to no end and I'm working so hard on finding the strength to push it away, but the weight is just a little too much today. So I guess for now, I'll let this be a crummy day, and start again tomorrow. Hopefully going to church tonight makes me feel better. Sorry this post is a mess.

Love,
Marissa Mayer

Monday, January 23, 2017

A Little Too Deep

Wow. Another Monday has come around. Time certainly is flying by.

Not a whole lot going on here...I had a wonderful time singing with my chamber choir family at church yesterday. I genuinely love being able to worship with such wonderful friends who all share such a deep passion for music.

Unfortunately, yesterday went south shortly thereafter. Not only did the Packers lose, but I felt hurt by some friends. I went to a get-together with a really positive mindset and was ready to have an enjoyable time. It was okay for awhile, but being as sensitive as I am, I was let down when things came up in conversation that didn't need to be talked about. I immediately felt left out, and as if I were standing on my own side of the fence. I became overly observant of the way things were said or I dug too deep into the context of their words. Ultimately, I let myself care about things I should have ignored. Classic anxiety. Making life a little more difficult than necessary.

Maybe you've had people tell you to let it all "roll off your shoulders". Well, anxiety makes your shoulders flat, therefore everything sits there until you find the strength to push it off. Here's a good resource I read, just in case you don't understand my perspective: http://www.calmclinic.com/anxiety/symptoms/close-irritability

Needless to say, I left. I sat at home alone, crying because I was angry. Crying because I was upset and confused. A little while later my best friend came over and we worked on homework, listened to music, and had a good (and productive) time together.

I interrupt this post for a small shoutout:

Meg, if you read this, I just wanna remind you how much I love you, and how wonderful you've been to me these past 6 years. You're my rock, my favorite hug, my reason to laugh, and a beautiful sister in Christ. You're one of the reasons I stay when life gets hard. I thank God everyday to have you in my life, for listening to me, wiping my tears, making memories with me, and eating way too much Taco Bell with me.

I resume:

To summarize, I let myself get a little too deep into things that should simply be irrelevant. I let my anxiety get the best of me, and cared too much about what others think of me. While I can't say that I've completely pushed the small stuff off my shoulders, I was blessed to have somebody help get my mind off of it and pull me out of some frustrating water that I had gotten myself into.


Gonna be a busy week for me, so check out my Instagram for some fun pictures of what I'll be up to. The link is on the right hand side under "Follow Me"- just click the Instagram logo!


Here's to a lot of deep breaths and conquering the week that lies ahead of me,
Marissa Mayer