Monday, December 28, 2015

Friendliness Is Key

Hey everyone...I had something I wanted to blog about last night, but I saved it for today. So here goes:

I got a text from somebody I know and he seemed upset and told me he has no friends. So I did some thinking.

We have 24 hours in a day. This comes out to 86,400 seconds a day. And how long does it take you to smile at someone? Certainly not very long. And sometimes, that's all it takes to make somebody's day. Or how long does it take to shoot someone a text and ask them how they're doing? For people who are on their phones a lot (this definitely includes me), this should be incredibly easy! 

So why don't we do it? In all honesty, I'm not sure. Maybe it's because we are sinful, selfish beings. But let me tell you, there have been days for me that have been made better by a simple smile, text, or comment. It's so simple, and I think it's something we should all do more often- just be friendly!

On the flip side, why should we do it? That answer is obvious. Because Jesus Christ served as not only our Savior, but our forever friend. It's through His death on the cross that we essentially have "BFF" necklaces around our necks. When we feel "friendless", know that He is our best friend. Who loved us enough to die for us. He is always willing to listen when we need somebody. He's just a prayer away. Isn't that amazing?

John 15:15 reads, "No longer do I call you servants, for the servant does not know what his master is doing; but I have called you friends, for all that I have heard from my Father I have made known to you."

So here's the challenge. Smile at 5 people you see a day...or more (even better!) Or compliment 5 people. Tell them you like something they're wearing, or tell them they did good on their presentation in class (and mean it!)

It's so simple...so lets start it. Make somebody's day today. Ready, and go!

Even a smile in it's simplicity is sweet,
Marissa Mayer

Sunday, December 27, 2015

Wanting to Grow...

Good afternoon! Happy Sunday to all my wonderful viewers, and...

Happy 5 Months (154 days) to Depressed But Blessed! It's been a wonderful time writing for all of you and I am proud to tell you that I'm up to 6,435 views as of right now. If you do the math, that's about 41 views a day...which might not be that many, but it's a great start!

I'm doing major blog renovations this afternoon...doing a lot of reading of other blogs and looking for good ways to improve my own blog.

If you have ANY good ideas for me, please please PLEASE email me! I'd love to hear from you!

I've come to realize how much time I put into my blog, and with school, I'm not putting in as much as I'd like. I'm really hoping that with the beginning of the year, I'll start to post every other day. (Although sometimes that can be hard, because I can't always come up with content). But I'll try to make time and post...whether it's just a quote, a good song I found, or a good point I found in my day... I'm hoping to be more active.

In all honesty, once in a while I question my blog. When I'm really busy, I wonder why I continue, when it seems I don't have much time. But I always come back to the conclusion that I want to help all of you. I know of those hot tears that drown you at night. The pain you can feel in a room full of people. The urge to shut the door and stay in bed all day. And to summarize all that: it's not fun. So, I keep hope that there are viewers out there that I am helping. That get at least a little something out of my posts.

And to all of you who view my blog on a daily basis (or whenever I happen to post), I love you all! There isn't a day that goes by that I'm not thankful for all of you. It's through your support that I continue to fight on, and want this blog to grow more than anything. Not only is the blog growing, so is my faith. And it's probably the most beautiful process I've ever seen in my life.

So I have a bit of a challenge for you. After reading this, if you haven't already shared my blog with somebody, do so. And then comment who you shared it with below. If you shared it with more than one person, great! Tell me who. 

Your support means everything to me,
Marissa Mayer

Saturday, December 26, 2015

Unwrapping His Love

Merry Christmas to all my lovely blog viewers out there! Sorry it's late...I hope you had a wonderful time spent with family and friends today!

So I did some thinking today and it led to what I want to write about tonight (or this morning, whatever)...so here goes (enjoy!)

A lot of kids opened hundreds of dollars worth of toys this morning. Some opened iPhones and Beats (I just bought myself some actually) and puppies and Playstations and Legos and the list goes on and on. But you wanna know something? It's all worthless. It means nothing in the end.

While it might be exciting to get all the stuff on your wishlist, (mine: Keurig...check!) we really need to hold fast to what's truly important. The greatest gift in history.

Jesus Christ. He was the best gift I received today. Today, and every other day. He never fails to wrap me in His love when I'm feeling down. I've prayed for His love so many times when I'm feeling bad. And He always comes through. I can feel His love being wrapped around me when I need it and it's truly beautiful to know that I have a God who can do that. Not only can He surround me in His love, God continues to show me miracles. Each and every day. Not necessarily changing water into wine (tried some of that this weekend...not my favorite!), but just the little things that I need to remember...

He remembered to wake me up this morning. Made sure that I drove safely, and that everyone drove safely around me. He made sure I ate. He made sure I had a smile on my face. He made sure I kept breathing and that my heart kept pumping. Isn't that beautiful?

But the best gift He ever gave me was His own life. He sacrificed Himself on the cross, just so I could live in eternity with Him. And on those super crappy days where it seems like there is no more oxygen for you to breathe, and the sun doesn't wanna shine, and the tears fall instead, remember that you were given an amazing gift. And that with that gift, it's all gonna be alright.

Remember that every morning, the gift of His love is present,
Marissa Mayer
xoxo

P.S. Added some new pictures into the Photo Album :)




Monday, December 21, 2015

Help Me Stand Strong

Good evening! Today was a long day of finals and depression so here goes tonight's post...

I had my Physics final today. I had been really anxious before I walked into the classroom. I sat down, took a deep breath and said a prayer. I find it to be a good habit before I test, because it tends to calm me down a bit. And it did...for awhile.

But I saw the clock. I saw how much I had left to do. My brain shut down and I couldn't focus on what I was doing. I zoned out for probably ten minutes. But I forced myself to get my head back in the game and thankfully finished only a minute or two after the bell.

I didn't think I did too well, but I went on with my day. At the final bell I quickly checked my grade online. I got an 87.5% (which is a B)! I was beyond thrilled. My studying paid off and I didn't do too bad!

But then I went to dance practice. I didn't really want to. I was tired and just wanted to go home. After warm-ups we worked on technique and I couldn't seem to do anything right. I wasn't feeling well and I couldn't wait for practice to be over.

Finally, it was. I went out to my car and it was a dreary afternoon. Rainy, cloudy, and overall, just blah. There was plenty of traffic on the way home too. I walked into my mom's apartment and I just crashed. I laid on my bed for two hours, just on my phone, feeling emotionless. And then I just started crying. Emotional pain filled my body and I wished, for the millionth time, that I could feel normal. And by normal, I mean the Marissa that existed back in 6th grade. Before the depression. Before I knew what it was like to cry basically every day. Before the trials in my life started getting worse. Back when my only worry was what to draw in art class, or how to do basic algebra. I turned on some music and just laid there, curled up in a ball, soaking my blanket with my tears.

My mom came in and just watched me. After a while she left. I stayed there, knowing I needed to study and get things done. I prayed a little harder, held my own hands a little tighter, and just waited for it to pass. And it did. My mom took me to the store to pick up some things and then we went out to dinner. I came back home, listened to some more music, and finished making my best friend's Christmas present. The release of creativity really helped me settle down and forget about things for a while.

At the end of the day, I've come to realize, yet again, how great God's love for me truly is. He never fails to amaze me. My prayers were answered and He wrapped me in His peace. And I can trust that when I need it again, He'll be sure to give it to me. Because my God is good. He is faithful. He is loving.

Remember to pray when you are weak. I can promise you that He will answer. Have patience and He will surround you with His love and comfort. Below is the video to the skit "Everything" by Lifehouse. This song is truly beautiful and it helped me out today. I totally encourage you to watch it.

As always, feel free to comment or email me...your feedback means SO much to me!
Also follow me on Instagram and/or Twitter! Lots of good stuff there too!

https://www.instagram.com/marissaa_mayer
https://www.twitter.com/_mayerssa_

When I am weak, He gives me His strength,
Marissa Mayer


Thursday, December 17, 2015

Sharps, Flats, and Naturals

Good evening! So glad we are nearing the end of the week...it's been a long one so far. Today I have some thoughts about music and about how much it's impacted my life so far. Hope you enjoy!

We had our Christmas concert on Monday night and it went fairly well. I had a lot of fun and it was great to see all of our hard work put together at last. So the other night I got to thinking...when did my love for music really begin? And why do I love it so much?

The answer is 4th grade. I begged my mom to play the flute. There were some girls at my church who played and I fell in love with the way it sounded. Not going to lie, it started off pretty rough. I hated to practice and it was hard at first. I dreaded lessons every week and my mom thought I was going to give it up.

But I didn't. I played for church a handful of times, did a lot of talent shows, and my flute teacher told me I had real potential. I loved to play my flute after a while and a few years later, my 7th grade year, I told my mom I wanted to play another instrument.

So a few weeks later, I picked up an alto sax and started with that. This instrument too, had a rough start. I liked my flute better only because I wasn't good at alto. But with time, I slowly transitioned between instruments. I played flute for the first semester of high school, but because my director needed saxophones more, I joined the alto sax section. The music was so much more fun.

Sophomore year I joined jazz band and fell in love with playing so stylistically. And as ridiculous as it sounds, my saxophone has a name- Sam. We're a team, and in all honesty, that instrument has gotten me through so much. On bad days, I play. On good days, I play. Music has a way of making me feel better.

Not only does music make me feel better, but also my wonderful director, Mr. Thiel. He's one of my biggest support people in my life and I can't imagine living without him. We have so much in common and he's always there for me when I need him, or to make me laugh on a bad day. He's encouraged me to keep playing when I feel like giving up and to keep on praying when I feel hopeless.

It's important to have something and someone in your life who have your back in all stages of life. That means not only the good times but the bad times too. I'm sure you can think of those few friends that you could celebrate with but probably wouldn't want to tell your problems to. I have those too. But when you find those genuine people and passions for music, sports, or art...hold on to it. They are truly blessings from God- so don't forget to thank Him for them!

Life can be incredibly ugly. But with all the "flats", "sharps", and other "naturals" in our lives, they can still come together to create something beautiful- just like in music. I promise you that these tough times will build you into a stronger person. A stronger Christian. Someday, these battle wounds will be gone, and will only have made you stronger.

To quickly summarize my thoughts on this post (it's late so I'm sorry if I wasn't very clear):
Find something and someone to hold on to (preferably somebody with a strong faith who can encourage you in Christ). Use these blessings and remember that with these, your tough days can only paint a better picture in the end.


Much love to all of you,
Marissa Mayer

P.S. I'll see if I can get another post in this weekend...but we'll see!

Thursday, December 10, 2015

Take Your Time

Good evening! Got lots on my mind to share tonight...

I was on my way home from school tonight (after dance practice) and the road I take from school to home is a pretty busy highway. The speed limit is 65 mph but I always go a little bit over. Tonight it was rainy and there were plenty of cars on the road, so instead of going my usual 72, I slowed it down a bit. But then a truck came up behind me going much faster, he rode my tail and my driving anxiety kicked in. Finally, he passed me and then shortly down the road he began swerving in between cars, barely using his directional. It made me nervous, and I began to think about how often there are bad drivers on the roads. The ones who have to pass every single car on the road because they're in such a hurry.

Why are we all in such a hurry anyways? Sometimes it's because we are running late to school, an appointment, or work. But let's talk about figuratively "being in a hurry."

I know that when I was little, I was in a hurry to grow up. To ride my bike without training wheels, lose my first tooth and go to my first day of kindergarten. Later on, as I grew up, I still wished to "hurry up" with growing up. Get my first job, first boyfriend, my license, and even now I can't wait to go to college, get married and start a life of my own. But when you think about it, life goes by fast enough. Our lifetime is only a mere speck in the timeline of eternity. So why rush it?

I've learned that by slowing things down and taking my time, I can be more appreciative of the little things. Don't take life for granted, and at least try to make the best of things.

However, I also understand that this life can be extremely hard, and I think it's perfectly okay to take a day to yourself when you need it. On Sunday, all I wanted to do was lay in bed and be alone; my depression just captured me for the day. You also need to accommodate to your depression/anxiety. I just had to do this the other day in English class. I was about to take a test and my anxiety level was extremely high. I didn't think I'd be able to last the entire test in a room full of my classmates and a ticking clock on the wall. I spoke with my teacher before we began and she was quick to let me take the test in a room by myself. I know it can be embarrassing to have everyone watch you do your own thing like that sometimes, but most people are quite understanding. In my life, my teachers are all very caring. They all understand my condition and are willing to work with me when I need it. A few of them even offered to be someone to talk to if I need it.

So don't be afraid to take a break once in awhile or adjust some things to ease your anxiety; there's always gonna be those days where your depression can defeat you. Just remember that in the end, Christ has defeated it for you! Wait for the day that you no longer have to wipe your tears or let your anxiety control you. Life with Him in heaven is near, so take your time be patient.

"Do not be anxious about anything, but in everything by prayer and supplication with thanksgiving let your requests be known to God." -Philippians 4:6


Cast your anxieties upon the Lord and He will give you His peace,
Marissa Mayer
xoxo

P.S. We will be up to 6k views by the end of the night! Thank you, thank you, thank YOU!

Friday, December 4, 2015

Hard Hits

Good morning viewers! Hope you had a great week! Sorry I haven't had much time to write lately...

On Tuesday night the dance team performed again and overall I had a good day. After school, my friend Melody and I went to go visit our other friend Emma and then I came back to school to get ready. I got my hair and makeup done and I felt really good about myself. I felt beautiful. And for once, happy.

The performance went well. I had been extremely nervous. But the adrenaline kicked in and before you know it, I had just nailed the second performance of the season. The team prayed as a group and then I played with the pep band for the rest of halftime. It all seemed to be perfect.

But just like the rest of life, all good things come to and end. I went to my locker to pack up some stuff and then it came. The depression hit me like a bus. I didn't know why, but it hurt. I walked to my car and cried a little on the way home. I went to my dad's and of course, I was missing my mom.

It happened again on Thursday morning. I was doing fine until my first hour class. I sat down and said something to my friend Melody, and then before you know it, I was snapped at by a classmate. The frustration of losing my friends and the stress of moving from parent to parent, everything just hit me really hard. The air in the room vanished and I got really warm. I struggled for air and I couldn't sit still. I squeezed my hands into fists and then tried holding onto my desk. I told myself to take deep breaths, but it was impossible. I was breathing quickly, trying to get back on track. Melody reached over and grabbed my hand, and before I knew it, the tears started escaping me. That's when I realized it. Anxiety attack. My teacher at the time, was in the middle of a devotion and it seemed like an eternity until he was finished. Finally, I got up and asked to leave. Without question I was dismissed. I talked to my school counselor and felt a little bit better, but the attack wiped me out for the rest of the day. I was on edge and extremely tired.

Today, I'm doing much better. You know why? Because the anxiety attacks and "hard hits" are temporary. They'll go away with time and a little bit of love. Although they hurt, I have faith that if I can get through it, you can too!

Christ suffered for our sins, and because of this, we can rejoice in the fact that we will be reunited with our Savior! There will come a day when we spend eternity with Him in His wonderful kingdom! He is preparing a place for you. A place where you will no longer have to suffer.

But what am I doing to help myself in the meantime? I'm surrounding myself with positive, Christ-centered people. People who are always willing to listen to me and make me smile. It's doing wonders for me. I've come to realize what kind of people I truly like spending time with and why. It feels amazing to be feeling a little bit better. Sometimes, little changes can make a difference. For example, I sat with some different people at lunch this week, and I had a really good time! I listened to some different music this week and put up some pictures in my new room at my mom's.

Don't be afraid of change; sometimes it can be more helpful than you might think.

Hope you have an amazing weekend! I'll see if I can do some more posts/pictures up on the blog. Hoping to get up to 6k views before the Christmas! Keep on sharing! And feel free to contact me with any positive and/or constructive feedback!

This pain is temporary my loves,
Marissa Mayer

Wednesday, November 25, 2015

Thankful

This week I only had 2 and a half days of school which was pretty great. It will be nice to relax and get away from school (and rest my sore muscles a bit). I did some thinking today about this time of year- Thanksgiving and what it means. I'd love to say that I'm incredibly thankful all the time.

But I can't write this post without being completely honest.

I thought about this past year and everything that's happened. I wonder if I could have changed things. Made the outcome better than it was. What if I hadn't discovered the message that would change our family forever? Would I be happier? Would we all still be living under the same roof? The "what if's" killed me.

Not going to lie, I got off track for a day or two. But on Tuesday, my school had a really great chapel message. I went into some even deeper thought and came to this conclusion.

God has His own divine plan for our lives. Better than the one's we create for ourselves. I know that many people in today's society believe that "everything happens for a reason." And to an extent that is true. However, it should say something a little more along the lines of: "everything happens because it's a part of God's plan to further benefit His kingdom...so hold tight to His Word, pray constantly, and stay strong in your faith because He is the light at the end of this dark tunnel."

I am not directly thankful to this divorce, my depression, my suffering grades or anxiety. But in the long run, I am thankful that God is using these things to shape me into a better Christian. A stronger one. I can rejoice knowing that through the roughest times in my life, I am becoming a better witness for Him.

His ways are mysterious, but they work for our good. It can be hard to follow sometimes, but take heart and know that He is God! He will provide you with His strength and give you His peace because He loves you!

Despite our battles, we certainly have something to be thankful for. The love of Jesus Christ.

Depressed but (thankful and) blessed,
Marissa Mayer

Friday, November 20, 2015

Too Busy To Cry

Good morning! (I guess that's what I should say)...

Just quick wanted to say how excited I am about reaching 5.5k before thanksgiving! I cannot believe how far this blog has come. And it's all thanks to God...He is working in mighty ways!

I'm up pretty late because my mom moved into her apartment this week so I was up packing. I also had a lot of homework and needed to help my dad move some furniture. It's been a busy night for me and I'm just starting to get tired.

Today I was inducted into the National Honor Society so that was pretty neat. Tomorrow night is our first dance performance and I'm physically exhausted. Very sore but the good kind of sore where you can feel yourself get into shape. I hope it goes well!

Because I've been so busy, things have been going fairly well lately. This week I've decided to give my friends a little more space because maybe they all think I'm a little self-centered, and if that's how they feel then I don't want to intrude. And if they don't think so, then that's great. I just wanted a little room to myself this week, and through it I've actually strengthened some other friendships.

I've taken some time for myself, to do some thinking, and it feels great. I haven't even had the chance to shed a tear pretty much all week (maybe only once or twice). And I think that's great sometimes, to occupy yourself enough so that you stay busy and don't have too much time to let your depression control you. On the flip side of that, it's also important to slow down when necessary and take little break for yourself. I hope you all are having a good week and hey! Guess what....it's almost the weekend! Also, I'll be putting up another poll soon, so keep on the lookout for that. I'm also in the process of adding more pictures to my photo album page.

As always, I love feedback and remember: I'm here to help you! Always feel free to contact me using the information on the side!

Stay strong, the weekend is almost here!
Marissa Mayer

Tuesday, November 17, 2015

Being Helpful

Good evening everyone! Hope you're all doing well...it's a little rainy and dreary here.

Just something I'd like to clarify for you right away: After my last post, somebody commented the full message I had received and started saying things I did not appreciate. I know that there was a viewer who believed everything they had just read in that comment over everything I have been writing the past 4 months. They suddenly believed that I was everything that message had made me out to be. But I'd like to be clear with you...you cannot believe everything you hear/read. Sure, there are times when I am self-centered. Everyone has that sometimes- we are sinful beings! But at the core of my being, I really believe that I am better than that. I am trying my best to fight this battle...really, I am. I still am open to listening to each and every one of you who need it and I hope you all remember that.

I have come to realize that I have some amazing people in my life. Examples include a lot of my teachers, including my band director who is basically my "life coach" and has helped me with everything from issues at home to boy problems. Also my best friend, Megan, for being my sunshine on rainy days (like today as she is sitting with me right now)! I have so many helpful people in my life and I haven't taken a lot of time to thank them. So to everyone who reads this blog, thank you for supporting me and helping me. God has certainly placed you in my life for a reason and I don't know where I would be without each and every one of you.

I also want to be as helpful as possible for all of you as you go through your own rough times. And if you have any suggestions on how I can help you, please send me a message! I'd love to hear some ideas. Also, feel free to send me any prayer requests you guys have.

Remember to be helpful to somebody today- you can make a difference!
Marissa Mayer

Sunday, November 15, 2015

Close Your Eyes

Hey everybody...I have a lot to say tonight, so here goes.

My last post triggered a very long message from somebody I thought was my friend. Here's some direct quotes from that particular message:

"See, YOU don't notice these problems because YOU'RE too busy telling every person that will listen about YOUR problems."

"YOU are not the queen of the world. YOU like to sit on your throne of self-pity and blog views while YOU wait for the rest of us to grovel at YOUR feet and give YOU all the attention."

"I can't tell the difference between the Marissa who is actually suffering from depression and the Marissa who is only asking for attention."

The more I read, the more I wanted to die. I started hyperventilating; my heart ached and the knot in the back of my throat got tighter. Before I knew it I was on the ground sobbing my eyes out. I needed to escape. All I wanted was to simply "not exist." But I knew my mom had removed the pills from my house, which kind of ruined any plans I had. So I took the only other step I knew. I called my best friend. It took a few minutes before she could even understand me on the phone. I was light-headed and the words couldn't come out.

In the end, she saved me. Without Megan, I'm not sure I would have made the night on my own. If she hadn't answered I was pretty much ready to go to the mental hospital because I'm tired. Tired of people taking my words and twisting them around, and making claims about me that aren't even true. I don't believe that I'm self-centered. And the purpose of my blog isn't even for sympathy- it's to show all of you that there is somebody out there who feels like you do. And to show you that you are still blessed despite your trials. I pray that God continues to give me the strength to move forward and learn more from this.

On a brighter note, I got an email from one of my viewers. Actual positive feedback! It definitely brought my spirits up and made me feel better. They told me that they really like reading my blog because it's relatable and that they're praying for me. I'm still super excited it about it!

And on another good note, I've had a very good weekend so far. I had off of school on Thursday and Friday, so my dad, brother and I went to the Wisconsin Dells and I actually got to see some friends there. God showed me, once again, just how lucky I am to have these people in my life. I don't need friends who question my depression, or the purpose of my blog all the time. I need friends who will approach me appropriately and support me in everything I do (unless it's against my faith of course).

To bring this to a good ending, just take time to close your eyes. When you feel the devil attack you with depression/anxiety, close your eyes and tell him to back down! You're a child of Christ who does not need to fight Satan, because Jesus has done that all for you! When you feel unloved or alone remember that you are surrounded in His love. Don't let anyone drag you down. You are capable of being strong- strong in Christ. And when you feel blessed beyond belief, close your eyes. Thank God for those people or things that make your life so much better.

I hope you all have a wonderful rest of your weekend! Be sure to check out the "About Me" page that you requested! (top of page)

I also added in my "Psalms Project" page. Just something I'm working on...reading through the whole book and finding good verses for bad days...feel free to check it out and as always, I love your feedback!

Created in Christ. Loved by Christ. Fighting in Christ,
Marissa Mayer

Tuesday, November 10, 2015

Mostly Just Me

Happy Tuesday everyone! I'm so happy to announce that Depressed But Blessed reached 5k views last night! Thank you all so very much for your support. I can only pray that I'm helping each of you see blessings in your own battles as I discover my own.

Okay. I need to be brutally honest. I don't feel like I fit in with my friends. I know I said it in my last post, but it's really killing me. I was sitting down for chapel today and there it was, that urge to cry. The rush of pain. My friends all talk and laugh; I just sit on the sidelines. I know that if I told them, they'd deny it and just become clingy until it was no longer convenient for them. I tried doing so once. And here I am again...back at square one. I have no clue what is going on in my friend group like 90% of the time. They all share secrets and I barely knew about my friend's "crush" until he asked her out today. Apparently it's been going on for awhile now. Sometimes they'll be talking and I'll ask what's going on, and I just get the "oh it's nothing" or "I can't tell you." I just want to know when I suddenly became a stranger to these people I call my friends.

I know they're going to read this. Maybe...some of them. But at this point, I don't care. I'm frustrated. My mom has always told me to be myself, because that's what people love the most. But, my depression has unfortunately become a huge part of me. It feels the need to change my feelings from one minute to the next. And as much as I'd like to say that I can survive on my own, I can't. I need people my age to support me. To reassure me that things will be okay when I don't think they will be. And I don't feel like I'm getting that.

Sure, I have my best friend. But it's a million times harder when we go to different schools. Mostly because I need the support when I'm at school. When I'm struggling with a class or just need a positive sign of encouragement.

Maybe you're reading this and thinking that I sound incredibly needy. And for awhile, I thought maybe that's what I was. But looking back, I realize that it's important to have social support. Mostly because of my depression and anxiety. And unfortunately, those things only make it harder for me to keep good relationships. Because who wants to deal with the emotionally unstable girl? Who wants to be friends with somebody who is always sad?

But you know what? I do. I want to be that friend. I want to be a friend to somebody who struggles like me. The door is open. I am here for you. I know it's rough to go through the day and feel like you have nobody. I do it every single day lately. And I know that I might live on the opposite side of the world from you. But I promise each and every one of you who views my blog, that I am willing to be your support. I would love nothing more than to take my mind off my own struggles and help you through yours. It's the complete purpose of this blog.

So tomorrow, when you failed a quiz or your friends "push you out of the circle," remember this: Marissa, the girl who might just feel a lot like you, is here for you. I'm only a message away. You can contact me on the right hand side of the screen under "Contact Me!" Otherwise, my contact info is listed below. 

Also remember that not only am I here for you...but God. He's always a reliable friend. After all, He sent His Son to die for you! Jesus knows what it's like to be rejected. To be left out, laughed at, and ignored. But He has created you, His beautiful child, that you might someday be with Him in His heavenly kingdom.

Other announcements:

It has been voted that you guys want a little post about myself. I will try and put that on my to do list. I have some updating to do on the blog as far as format goes, so it might end up being it's own page on here.

I'd love to hear from you. Tell me your story- I love to read! Email me a little something about yourself...tell me about the battles your facing and the ones you've overcome.

As always, share my blog! I'd love some more viewers. My goal is 7k by the end of the year. Let's make it happen! Super thrilled about spreading the love of Christ to all those who need it!

Always in my prayers,
Marissa Mayer

Friday, November 6, 2015

End of A Stressful Week

Good afternoon everyone! Happy Friday! Hope you all had a good week, and that you'll have an even better weekend.

This week has been incredibly long and hard for me. I struggled. Got a few bad grades, lost motivation, and of course am running on caffeine and adrenaline. (It's fall drama this weekend so I've been spending 12-15 hours at school a day).

Anyways, my best friend and I recently got into a fight. I feel as though she has put our friendship on "the back burner" and puts her other friends and boyfriend before me. We've known each other for 5 years now and it hurts to see our friendship fall apart a little bit. I've confronted her two times now, and we can never come to a solution. I spend a lot of my day worrying about losing her and wishing that she could see where I'm coming from. Not only that, but she has a friend who is standing up for her and justifying my best friend's actions.

To add to that, my friends at school haven't been the best either. I constantly feel left out, or alone. Sometimes, I feel like my depression likes to push me onto the sidelines and selfishly claim me as it's prisoner. It keeps me from having fun and sharing laughs with everyone else. I always find myself close to crying and constantly frustrated. I have been irritable lately and I truly don't mean to be that way.

I also was questioned and confronted again by the same person who told me I was selfish and that my blog doesn't really help anyone. He likes to take words out of my mouth, and misquote me.

Overall, I'm tired of people saying things before they thoroughly think them through. I'm sensitive, and words tend to hurt me. I'm not saying that people need to completely adjust to my feelings, but they should be a little more cautious as I try to learn how to handle them better (if that makes any sense...it's been a long week).

But beyond all of the "messy stuff," tonight is our first fall drama performance. I'm super excited, and of course, nervous.

Hope you all have an amazing weekend! Don't forget to vote on the side of the page!

God will provide you with His peace,
Marissa Mayer

Wednesday, November 4, 2015

No Sleep

Good evening everyone! So it's fall drama week and needless to say, I'm at school more than I am at home. Thankfully, homework loads haven't been too bad. However, I had to make up all the stuff I missed last Thursday and Friday because of "leadership camp." I'm also super behind on sleep and it's really taking a toll on my emotions. So here's just a window into how I've been feeling lately...

I snap quickly. The littlest things make me upset. My mom said something that I didn't like? Snap. My brother wants to talk to me, but I'm tired? Snap. I have a rough quiz grade? A bad hair day? A disagreement with a friend? Snap, snap, SNAP! (I thank everyone for putting up with me lately- especially my mom!)

I go through extreme "highs" and then minutes later, I crash. Example...I was in gym class yesterday and started getting really hyper and excited with my friends. I found everything funny and then within five minutes I was drained. Completely emotionless. I was embarrassed- people must think I'm completely crazy!- and I realized that this had to be the worst form of an anxiety attack. I came to the conclusion that some stress had piled up and it resulted in an emotional roller coaster then went from 100 down to 0 real quick.

Thankfully, I haven't cried as much lately. Well this morning was rough...I locked my keys in my car and I took a bad Pre-Calc test. Other than that, I've been almost tear-free (probably just because I don't have time to cry lately!)

Anyways, I'm extremely exhausted..."sleep" has been replaced by "caffeine" in my dictionary and even then, it isn't enough. But this morning on my way to school, as tired as I was, I realized how beautiful this crazy life can be. One day, my teenage years will come to an end. The fun times of doing fall drama with my peers- over. Laughing, eating, and living at school will all be over. And then I will come to the conclusion that I took these years for granted.

So, what I'm trying to say is, appreciate what seem to be "the worst parts of high school." And to be stereotypical...appreciate the little things. Examples...blaring your radio on your way home and not being afraid to sing as loud as you can. Drinking a good cup of coffee. Getting a somewhat decent grade on a quiz or test.

Sleep or no sleep, God keeps life busy and crazy, but beautifully interesting.

Much love from a very tired, but blessed child of God,
Marissa Mayer

Announcements:
1) Make sure you take the poll on the right hand side of the page. For those of you using a mobile device, you can scroll the the bottom of the page and click "web version" so that you can vote too!

2) Almost 5k views! New goal: 5.5k by Thanksgiving...continue to share!

3) I changed my Instagram username...
https://instagram.com/marissaa_mayer

4) Continue to give me any feedback...is there a topic you'd like me to post about? Let me know by filling out the "Contact Me!" on the right hand side of the page

Saturday, October 31, 2015

Testing and Trials

Happy Saturday everyone! I know that I use the "busy" excuse a lot, but that's been my life lately. I hope that all of you have been doing well!

Recently, I've noticed some recent testing of my faith. I've had a "friend" of mine question the purpose of my blog and even my depression itself. He called me selfish, and it took a serious toll on me the other day. I broke down at school and was forced into the counselor's office.

My aunt also emailed me question my faith and my blog as well. Thankfully, I was able to clearly articulate my thoughts and feelings back in a respectful manner.

But both of these scenarios hurt me. People whom I respect and am fairly close to, suddenly questioning me. Through this, I was forced to question myself. It was most definitely hard to stand up for myself and defend my blog. Lots of crying...lots of praying. But thankfully, God provided me with strength to get through it.

The past two days, however, have been a little harder too. My best friend hasn't been very present in my life. I've slowly watched her choose her other friends and boyfriend over me. I've called when I've needed her and felt alone as she slowly tried to close the door. I kept my feelings locked up for awhile as it has been a few weeks now. But last night, it required confrontation. And it was extremely hard. Of course she denied everything I said, and made it look as though I was the one hurting her.

Today in Wisconsin it is very gloomy and rainy, which is extremely hard to feel good in. I don't know why, but I've been pushing tears back all day. I miss my old life. My old and happy self. Before all of these hardships, trials, and tests. I look at the people around me and wish I had their joy. It seems hard to find the light at the end of the tunnel.

BUT remember this. Christ is the light at the end of the tunnel. He has saved you. He is preparing a place for you in heaven. Is that not something to look forward to? These tests and trials are going to strengthen you- they are shaping you into a beautiful and strong Christian. He is using you. I found a ton of great bible verses to share:

"And after you have suffered a little while, the God of all grace, who has called you to his eternal glory in Christ, will himself restore, confirm, strengthen, and establish you." 

-1 Peter 5:10

"Blessed is the man who remains steadfast under trial, for when he has stood the test he will receive the crown of life, which God has promised to those who love him."

-James 1:12

"I have said these things to you, that in me you may have peace. In the world you will have tribulation. But take heart; I have overcome the world.”

-John 16:33

"Rejoice in hope, be patient in tribulation, be constant in prayer."

-Romans 12:12

And there are so many more. Here's a link to the website I found these on:

http://www.openbible.info/topics/trials_and_tribulations

I hope that they help you out when you are in need of some reassurance. I also have a poll on the side about whether or not I should make an "About Me" post. Just let me know if you all think that's a good idea or not. 


Also- if you are in need of prayer requests...please send them in to me! I'm always looking for new things to pray about. You can submit them through the "Contact Me" on the right hand side of the page.



Remember that God is good. Always,
Marissa Mayer
xoxo

Monday, October 26, 2015

*Quick Update*

Hey guys...life has been super crazy lately! Wish I had more time to write!

Just some things going on:

1) I got interviewed by my music teacher's wife, who is a reporter for the newspaper, about my blog and depression! God's working...!

2) I unfortunately received an email about my blog that was not very encouraging today. Just in need of a reminder that I'm helping you guys: so please feel free to send me a message! Tell me your story or just give me some positive feedback...it'd be greatly appreciated. Just fill out the information on the right-hand side: labeled "Contact Me!"

3) I'm going to be going to France in March as an exchange! Don't know if I mentioned that in another post or not, but I'm so excited!

4) Had our fall music concert tonight at school and was reminded of some of the blessings in my life. God has given us all great talents, hasn't He?

5) I will be gone at a leadership camp from Thursday morning until Friday afternoon, so if you try getting a hold of me and do not get a response, I will get back to you ASAP!

6) Still hoping to get to 5k views by Thanksgiving. Let's make it possible!

As always, I am here for all of you and I hope you guys have a great rest of the week. I'll try to post before I am gone on Thursday and Friday, but we will see...

Busy and blessed,
Marissa Mayer

Tuesday, October 20, 2015

Never-ending Tears

Good evening! Sorry I haven't written lately. Once again, I've been busy. But thank you for the 4.5k views! Unbelievably blessed to write for all of you who read my blog. Thinking that maybe my goal can be 5k by Thanksgiving...?

But anyways, here's just some thoughts for tonight. As always, feedback is appreciated:

In all honesty, I'm sick of crying. I cry at least once during the day and then usually as I go to sleep at night. It's weird because crying makes me feel the pain worse, but at the same time it makes me feel better. I've become familiar with the rush of emotions running through my veins. The sensation in my face preparing me for the break down. The hot tears running down my face and the occasional struggle of breathing between sobs. It gets old...it makes me feel tired and run down. And most of the time I can't even pinpoint why I'm crying. It's just a huge mosaic of depressing thoughts, one after another.

Today, for example, I was sitting in the back corner of the classroom while my classmates presented their fitness projects. Suddenly, it's like my body flipped a switch. I wasn't focused, but I wasn't really thinking about anything in particular either. Then it came. The rush. The sensation. The hot tears. Only, it wasn't just a few tears I could wipe away. I tried to hold it in and I became extremely anxious. What if somebody saw me?

Soon enough, my friend Hannah turned around. Unable to speak during the presentation, she held my hand and squeezed it. What seemed like an eternity later, the presentation was over and a few more of my friends came to my side. They made me laugh which seemed okay to them, but it wasn't to me. Because there I sat with a tear-streaked face while laughing. I looked ridiculous, I'm sure. And all I wanted was to sit in my sadness for a few minutes. I wanted them to sit there in silence with me or hold my hand like Hannah did. I know that as the "comforter" it seems okay to make jokes when somebody is sad, because it's uncomfortable and often times we aren't sure what to say. But also as a depressed person, I know that it's awkward when the jokes are made, because it's not truly what you need. Remember, sometimes silence is the best therapy and comfort comes from love and understanding. (Understanding can also be hard when the comforter doesn't know much about depression...but that's a whole other post I'll make for a different day).

But to finish up this post, remember that it's okay to cry. And I know that sometimes you get tired of it, but I promise you it's so much better than holding it in. Crying is not weakness. In fact, I see it as the total opposite. I view it as strength. Because despite your circumstances, you're still alive. You might be struggling, but you're gonna make it out alright. Also remember that God loves you! He catches your tears when they fall and hears the crying in your heart.

And if you want to think of something to look forward to, remember that those tears of sadness will be turned to joy in eternity! He has saved you, He has a plan for you, and someday, you will emerge from your sea of tears, and be glorious through Christ.

Always here for each and everyone of you,
Marissa Mayer

"He will wipe away every tear from their eyes, and death shall be no more, neither shall there be mourning, nor crying, nor pain anymore, for the former things have passed away." -Revelation 21:4

Thursday, October 15, 2015

Finally A Good Day

Good evening all! As always, I hope you all had a great day!

Despite many of my recent "depressing" posts, tonight is a good one! I had a great day and I'm so thrilled about it. So I just thought I'd share.

Although I haven't been getting enough sleep lately, I went to school not feeling as tired as usual. I got some help on my Physics assignment (and understood it)! I went to band and really was able to connect with the music today. I also took a Pre-Calc quiz that I don't think I actually failed. I had a lot of good laughs with friends and went to play practice tonight, only to have a few more good laughs. I just got done doing a thorough study for my APUSH test tomorrow, did part of my Spanish project, and I haven't even shed a tear all day.

Not only that, but tomorrow is Friday...which means the end of the week! I made it through another rough week and I'm so incredibly proud of myself. All of those breakdowns and here I am...still alive. Still breathing. Still surviving. I have an amazing support team behind me. Yesterday and today I got texts from quite a few people just checking in on me, and I finally realized that my prayers had been answered. God worked through my friends to comfort me.

I can only hope that tomorrow and the rest of the weekend is just as good. I smiled so much today, I just wish I could store those up in a jar and keep them for the bad days.

God. You are so good. All the time. I don't know where I'd be without my faith.

Got to appreciate a good day...finally,
Marissa Mayer

"I have said these things to you, that in me you may have peace. In the world you will have tribulation. But take heart; I have overcome the world." -John 16:33

Monday, October 12, 2015

Sisters At Heart

Good evening to all of my lovely viewers! (Before I start, MAKE SURE YOU CHECK OUT THE BOTTOM OF THIS POST!) Hope you had a fantastic day! Haven't had much time to blog recently, but I would love to share more about my weekend...

On Saturday I went up to Green Bay to visit my cousin Emily. She's currently attending UWGB and needed some company. So, Mom and I spent the day up there and had an amazing time! We did a lot of talking, shopping, and of course, eating. 

Emily and I have been best friends since the beginning. She's only two years older than me, and while I look up to her, I know she looks up to me too. She's my sister at heart and I wouldn't trade anything for the relationship we have today. We've gone from Barbie dolls, to boys, to high school and college. I actually have a big poster in my room that has a variety of pictures of us on it and looking at it makes me tear up. 

She is beautiful. Not only is she flawless on the outside, she is genuinely gorgeous at heart. I've called her after multiple anxiety attacks and when I just need a shoulder to cry on. She's gotten me through arguments with my parents, to helping me shrug off boys who broke my heart. One thing I'll always remember is this:

When you get into a rough time, take some time to yourself and think things through completely before making any rash decisions. Do something for yourself. Take a bath, watch a movie, draw, listen to music...anything. Just push your problem to the side for a bit and slow down. 

I promise you, this works. At least for me. When I get mad at my mom or dad, I do just that. I take some time to myself...to cool down before approaching them. This way, I've thought things through a little and am better prepared to handle the situation. I've also used this method when I am having a rough day. The other night I felt this urge to hurt myself. And I knew I couldn't. So I put on some Christmas socks (yes, the festiveness of my socks cheered me up), and danced in my room. Then I watched some Pretty Little Liars and texted some friends. Soon enough, I completely forgot about wanting to hurt myself. Sometimes, it just takes a shift to distract your depression.

I love Emily because she's helping me through my depression like nobody else can. She's my sidekick and isn't afraid to take down this battle with me. I know I can always count on her and the reason I'm blogging about her tonight is because I miss her a little extra. I know she's struggling a little up at college. But I continue to pray for her...it's the least I can do after all she's done for me. 

Love you to the moon and back, Em. So blessed to have a "sister" like you. 

Depressed, but always and forever blessed,
Marissa Mayer

P.S. Hit me up on Twitter: https://twitter.com/_mayerssa_ and use the hashtag: #DepressedButBlessed and tell me about something or someone who is a continual blessing in your life. Would love to hear from you! Make sure you tag me and/or use the hashtag!

Friday, October 9, 2015

Holding On

Good evening everybody...sorry I haven't been posting everyday. It's been a busy week.

I'm going to be honest. It's been a struggle lately. Last night I went to bed and sobbed myself to sleep. The tears soaked my pillow and I wrapped my arms around a blanket. I squeezed it against myself real tight because sometimes, physically holding on and waiting for it to pass, makes it much easier. If I don't having anything around me to hold, I hug myself. Holding onto something brings me to both a good and bad conclusion.

The bad conclusion is that it reminds me that this is a reality. The pain, the suffering, all of it...it's real. Unfortunately this isn't a nightmare I'll wake up from anytime soon.

The good conclusion is that it reminds me of a ride. Have you ever been on a terrifying ride? Or perhaps watched a scary movie? You close your eyes, hold on, and wait for it to be over, right? Because it is going to pass. You just have to be patient.

Today in Christian Leadership our guest speaker talked briefly about suicide and how it doesn't make sense to make a permanent solution to a temporary problem. It really offended me because in all honesty, it's not like that. And to any of you out there who have had thoughts of suicide, I'm sure you can agree with me. The problem with depression is that there may be temporary problems making it worse, but in the end you're still depressed. It's just something that sticks around. And suicide is so much scarier than just waking up and deciding to kill yourself.

I remember grabbing that bottle of pills both times and pouring them into my hands, slowly. It wasn't that I necessarily wanted to, it's like something took over inside of me and told me I had to. The hands that grabbed the bottle were not mine. The fingers that slowly counted them were not mine. The voice in my head that told me to take them was not mine. It was the depression. And who is behind that? Satan. Trying to convince me I needed to die to get rid of the pain.

Anyways, back to where I was. This guest speaker phrased it in a super weird way that might make sense to somebody who doesn't know what depression feels like, but to myself, it wasn't okay. He talked about struggles in life and a bunch of other stuff. I wish I would have been able to hear him. But my own thoughts drowned him out.

I thought about how a year ago, my life was seemingly perfect. I had a boyfriend who was pretty much the sweetest thing I had come across, and was preparing to get my last name changed, I was getting good grades and we were a happy family. Now I say goodbye to my dad instead of goodnight. I'm sure at least one of you know what it's like to watch a divorce happen, but it's so much worse from the inside. It really is.

If it is "mom's designated day" I find myself wanting my dad, and on my "dad's designated day" I find myself wanting my mom. But everyday, I find myself wanting them both. And it's incredibly hard to let go and accept the fact that it's not happening.

I went to band after Christian Leadership. My heart was racing and I was not prepared for what was going to come. My friend Erin looked at me and knew instantly. And the moment she hugged me, the tears came out. There I was, crying at school. I held onto her and Emma because I couldn't hold onto myself. I needed support. I broke down and couldn't breathe. Anxiety attacks at school: 3 and Marissa: 0.

I'm sorry this post is so long, but honestly, it all just needs to be said. While you might think that I am strong from all of my posts, I am actually incredibly weak. It's even taking a toll on my body. My muscles ache and I can almost feel the actual pain of heartbreak.

But! I can't leave you off on a bad note.

Hold on everyone. Hold on tight. Hold on to His wonderful truth. His love. It has gotten me through so many rough times. It can most certainly get you through anything too. He will use wonderful people to help you out too.

Big shoutouts to Emma, the Erin(s), Kristin, & Emily. I love you ladies so much. You mean more than you know to me.

Love love love each and every one of you. Thank you for your support.

I will not let go,
Marissa Mayer

P.S. 
  • As ALWAYS, I'm here: email me at: marissa.mayer17@gmail.com
  • Got 2 views from Bahrain today...that makes 9 countries (besides the US)
  • AND...don't forget to take the poll on the right hand side! Only one more day left to do that! (And only 6 of you have so far...!)

Tuesday, October 6, 2015

Project Semicolon

Good morning viewers! Just wanted to share this picture of my project semicolon. It's a project reminding us that where we could end, we don't. We keep going. Because I have to go to class now I'll let you all do a little bit of your own research on that.

And remember to take the poll on the right side! Love to see how many of you look at this daily. 

Hold on tight my loves. It's all gonna be okay.

Much love,
Marissa Mayer


Monday, October 5, 2015

A Day Outside

Good morning viewers! Hope you're all having a great start to your Monday. If not, I hope I can help make it a little better.

Yesterday, I went down to Port Washington to visit with my cousin who was home from college for the weekend. We got some Starbucks (of course) and went on a nice walk out near the lake at some nature park. We did a lot of talking and it was a good reminder of just how blessed I am. The weather was cool, but the scenery was beautiful (I'll be sure to drop some pictures on the blog later...otherwise you will probably see some up on my Instagram in a few days). The leaves are just starting to change color, and overall, it was just a gorgeous view. I loved spending time with my cousin, and it felt really good to get outside.

If you haven't had the chance yet, I encourage you to get outside. Just go for a walk! Take somebody you're close to...or even just the dog! I really believe that God used His creation to make me feel better yesterday, and He can for you too!

Other announcements I'd like to make:

  • Take the poll on the right hand side of the blog! Let me know how often you view- would love to see some numbers up there!
  • Disregard the last post- I have already deleted it, but "the secret blogger" didn't end well between me and a friend.
  • At the bottom of each post you are able to check "helpful" or "relatable"- please check one when you finish reading (unless neither apply).
  • And as always feel free to follow me on social media or you can get a hold of me via email if you ever need anything!
Here's to a good day of no school,
Marissa Mayer

Tuesday, September 29, 2015

Calling It Quits

It's 8:47 PM as I write this, and let me tell you...it has been an incredibly long start to the week. I've had an overabundance of homework and absolutely no motivation. Lots of studying and writing. Unfortunately, my anxiety won't allow me to comprehend what I read or learn, so I've been struggling lately. Last night was so bad that I broke down. I'm watching my grades slip before me, and although they aren't bad, they are most definitely not up to "Marissa's standards". Let me also tell you...staying up late and waking up early for school do not mix well! I'm running on minimal sleep and trying to keep up with this crazy thing called life.

This is also the first week of "switching parents". Something that I don't feel I'm ready to adjust to. I don't think I ever will be actually. It's unnatural. And all my body wants to do is react in classic denial.

I cry. Every single night. Last night was probably the worst. I didn't even understand why I was crying, and the tears wouldn't stop. My body actually ached from the inside out and I had a headache all day because of it. The term "heartache" is real. The pain...it's 100% real. It's probably worse than most physical pain because it's a million harder times to heal. You can't simply "get over it" whereas you can put a band-aid on a cut or take ibuprofen for a headache. Many girls experience heartache over boys (yes, so have I), but watching your parents love you but hate each other...now that's rough. The people that were supposed to love each other just as Christ loves His church, do not. He was willing to die for her. That is LOVE.

My house does not feel like a home. My grades are not where they should be. I'm in a little pit of my depression and I'm stuck. I've wanted to call it quits more than once this week.

But there's one thing I've learned from my parents through all of this. You can't call it quits. They're calling it quits on each other, but I cannot call it quits on myself. I cannot give up. I have to fight. And if it isn't for myself, then it needs to be for all of those who love me and surround me.

I'm still alive.. And I will be alive until the Lord calls me home. This is His plan. Not mine. He wants me to stick around. He will provide me with His strength when I can barely stand.

I hope all of you have a good rest of the week. May He give you His peace when you are need. I attached a link below to the song "Alive" by Sia. The song is truly about Sia and her suicide attempt through a drug overdose, but I cannot stop listening to it just because it's a beautiful song and definitely a good reminder that I'm still alive too!

He will hold me when I cannot hold myself,
Marissa Mayer




Sunday, September 27, 2015

Fall

Happy Sunday to all my viewers out there! Hope you are all having a lovely day so far.

I went to church this morning and the weather outside is beautiful. It's not too warm, and it's just chilly enough to wear a sweater. Time to pull out the scarves and boots! I absolutely love fall because that's when all the leaves change and you can see God's beauty poured out through His creation.

I know that a lot of times, depression spikes during the fall/winter season because the weather is colder, the sun isn't out as long and sometimes it can just make you feel "blah". And if this applies to you, I encourage you to stay strong. Use those cold, rainy/snowy days to stay inside and read a book. Perhaps, the best book. The Bible. God's Word has never failed to help me through rough times. And when I'm feeling creative, I write out some inspirational verses and hang them in my room so that I'm surrounded by them. Creativity is always another way to keep your spirits high. It doesn't have to be art. Maybe try music or writing. Even writing this blog helps me feel better!

Fall is such a beautiful time of year. Don't be afraid to enjoy it. Go get yourself a pumpkin spice latte and curl up to a good book...or watch a football game. Whatever you do, smile while you do it! God's blessings are always around, you just have to take the time to notice them.

Enjoying the little things,
Marissa Mayer

P.S. Big thank you goes out to the view from Bangladesh! God's letting me work internationally and it feels so good!

Wednesday, September 23, 2015

Attacked

Today could have been better.

I was sick yesterday with a fever so I went home early and then today I had some stuff to make up and I had a headache. Today was also the day of my parent's first court hearing for the divorce.

I know that they disagree on living arrangements as of right now and this thought of not having one parent in the house was really bothering me. All I've ever known was two. That's how moms and dads come. As a pair. A set, if you will. It's not natural for them to be separate. That's not how it's supposed to be. Because kids need them both.

I was walking to band and I felt the familiar wave of anxiety splash onto what had been a peaceful shore. The rising of the pain made me walk quickly to find my friends. I felt the hot tears as they blurred. It got harder to breathe and there wasn't enough air for me. I tried to breathe quicker, but I felt suffocated. People swarmed the halls and usually I can control my emotions when others are around. But today, the sadness attacked me from behind when I least expected it.

Nothing felt worse to me than knowing that my classmates saw me when I was weak. At my breaking point. A few kids glanced at me as I held onto one of my friends. My body wanted to collapse into an abyss of tears but my friends kept me steady and walked me to band.

Band is my world. I absolutely adore music. And after awhile, I didn't notice the burning in my eyes or the sorrow in my heart. All I felt was the beauty of music soothing my pain.

I understand the struggle of the never-ending pain. How it can be there one day, and seemingly gone the next even though you know it's still there. It's beyond frustrating. I know. And this is why I pray for all of my viewers out there who need comfort. Because I have felt this pain. But be assured that someday it will be no longer and that we will be eternally happy with Him in heaven.

I can't wait for the day when I'll proclaim, "In Christ is the victory",
Marissa Mayer

Sunday, September 20, 2015

Beautiful

Good evening everyone! Don't have a lot of time to make an actual post tonight, but I do have a favor to ask.

A friend of mine is a very big fan of Jacob Whitesides and just started a great hashtag on Twitter that asks people to tweet a picture and tell something they find beautiful about themselves.

I think this is a great idea! Spreading a positive attitude around and reminding others how beautiful they are. I know that there are many days where I don't think I'm beautiful, and I'm sure many of you have those too. But you were created in the image of Christ. His beautiful image.

So I'm just asking that if you have a Twitter, perhaps you could participate in helping my friend get some more tweets about being beautiful.

My friend's Twitter: https://twitter.com/SEEWHITESIDES

My Twitter: https://twitter.com/_mayerssa_

The hashtag is: #RulesOfBeautiful

Thanks lovelies,
Marissa Mayer

"I praise you because I am fearfully and wonderfully made; your works are wonderful, I know that full well." -Psalm 139:14


Wednesday, September 16, 2015

Alive In Christ

Happy Wednesday everyone! Hope you've had a great week so far!

It's the middle of homecoming week and it's been pretty fun so far! The next few days will be pretty busy so I thought I'd post now rather than not at all for the rest of the week.

I'm having another great day! Got my salted caramel mocha frappuccino from Starbucks and got another international view- this time from Puerto Rico! So thrilled about sharing my experience worldwide. You are all fantastic.

The rest of the week hopefully goes well, and today I'm feeling excited and totally alive. And the fact that I'm alive in Christ only makes me feel better! I was doing some reading this morning and was reminded yet again, of the love Christ showers abundantly upon us. His death on the cross cancels out my sin and makes me perfect in His sight. I am a sinner who can be pronounced sin free in the eyes of my Savior. I was dead in my sin but He has made me alive! 

If you're feeling down today, I want you to remember that there is hope! Hope of an eternal life with Him in His heavenly kingdom! Be patient and wait for the Lord, for He has made you alive in Christ.

Thank you all for making my blog be a success,
Marissa Mayer

"But because of his great love for us, God, who is rich in mercy, made us alive with Christ even when we were dead in transgressions- it is by grace you have been saved." -Ephesians 2:4-5

Tuesday, September 15, 2015

His Beautiful Creation





Diagnosis

Good morning! Hope you're all having a great start to your morning!

Just a quick update: my counselor diagnosed me with situational depression and anxiety with a possible mood disorder.

But even as she told me, I wasn't very worried because I trust that one day I will be cured. Completely. Someday, my struggles will be over and I will be a proud citizen of His kingdom. No longer will I feel like this. And I believe that with that hope alone, I am already on a good route towards happiness.

Another thing...I was on my way to school this morning and it was raining and thundering and lightning. But the sun still struggled to poke out and ended up making a beautiful rainbow. It made me think about even though I have "stormy days", I always manage to come around. And when I finish this battle, I hope that I have left an impact on all of you. That my battle will end up being almost as beautiful as that rainbow.

Thank you all for supporting me as I continue this crazy journey called life. Watching the Lord work through me is absolutely life-changing and I wouldn't change anything about it.

God is GOOD. Always.

Depressed but always and forever blessed,
Marissa Mayer

Sunday, September 13, 2015

Looking Forward

I really don't have anything bad to say about today. (Except for my cold...) I can't remember the last time I had such a fabulous day.

I went to church this morning- which, receiving God's Word is always good! And then I went out to lunch with my best friend Megan, at Culver's (of course), and went dress shopping in Fond du Lac. We laughed a lot, drank a lot of Starbucks, sang some Taylor Swift, and tried on a lot of silly dresses. (One of which made Megan look like a bird).

We were on our way home singing "Wildest Dreams" on top of our lungs and I felt it.

I felt the utter happiness from the core of my soul. God's love surrounded me and I silently thanked Him for one of the biggest blessing's in my life- my best friend. She had put a smile on my face all day and I can't wait to bring her to my school's homecoming this upcoming weekend.

Soooo it's gonna be a busy week for me. Lot's of activities. Tomorrow I get to see my counselor again and I get to do a read through for my part in the fall drama! I'm very excited.

Even though it's a busy week, it isn't always like that. But something that makes me feel better is when I have a little something to look forward to in every day or week sometimes. For example, I always look forward to even working with Megan once a week or getting Starbucks before school, or getting to play my favorite piece in band. By doing this, I can remind myself that there will be something better in the future. Now look out even farther than a week. Someday (hopefully), I will get married and have children. Isn't that something to look forward to? Isn't that a reason to live? God. Is. So. Good.

Feel free to tell me all about what you're looking forward to this week! Email me at marissa.mayer17@gmail.com and follow me on social media to keep up with my crazy week! (see below)

Here's to a good week,
Marissa Mayer

Friday, September 11, 2015

Frustrated

It's been both the worst and the best week.

I've made some stupid mistakes. I've suffered. I've also cried tears of joy and prayed prayers of thanks.

So good news: I made the secretary of band council, and I know how ridiculously silly that sounds, but I'm actually beyond thrilled to help my director do various things for our music program. I also made honors band! There are no words to describe how grateful I am for my music career.

On the flip side, I've had another anxiety attack and lost my ability to concentrate in school. I'm beyond stressed with homework and all of my classes. I'm watching everyone else around me move forward and I feel like I'm stuck behind. And nothing hurts more than watching your friends smile and laugh and succeed in all of their classes when you can't. When it's a struggle for me to finish my homework because I lack motivation. Tonight, I was taking my medical terminology exam and I've had barely any time to study all week and I got frustrated because I felt stupid.

It's easy to slip away and wonder where God is. But honestly, He was there the whole time. I didn't depend on Him when I should have, however I was quick to thank Him when the times were good. Usually, it's the other way around, but this week was different.

So for now, I'm just hoping this frustration will go away. Next week is homecoming week, so I'm just praying that I stay busy enough to keep my mind off everything.

Prayers for all of you- hope you all had a good week! Thanks for getting me up to 3,000 views!

He will provide His peace,
Marissa Mayer

"Come to me, all who labor and are heavy laden, and I will give you rest. Take my yoke upon you, and learn from me, for I am gentle and lowly in heart, and you will find rest for your souls."
 -Matthew 11:28-29

Tuesday, September 8, 2015

Impeccable Timing

Today at chapel, our guest speaker talked about how God is always there and always provides. I couldn't help but tear up because his words touched me.

I thought about those two times when I was just about to grab that bottle of pills. And how each time, my mom caught me.

Do you understand how odd it is that she caught me both times? It wasn't just luck or good timing. It was impeccably perfect timing. His timing. He saved me. It was nothing but a pure miracle. God has a plan for me. Even when I didn't have a plan for myself- or when I thought it was to end my own life. His love wins. It saves.

Throughout my battle, I wonder how I'd survive if I were an atheist. And I've come to the conclusion that I wouldn't. I would be no where without my God. And when God saved me in both of those times when I was weak and vulnerable to Satan's lies, I cannot imagine believing in anything but His divine purpose. It wasn't just chance- it was a plan. Sometimes, Christianity just seems like the obvious answer, and that's why I love being able to share this blog. To remind all of you that sometimes we are blinded by the lies of this world- that we can't fight anymore and we have to give up- but we can rest firm in His truth. And He has a plan not only for me, but for you too!

Hope all of you are having a good start back at school! 

Always in my prayers,
Marissa Mayer

Sunday, September 6, 2015

Best Friends

Hey guys! Super excited about today and feeling great! It's a little on the hot side out here today, but I'm going to the county fair with my best friend in a little bit and I'm beyond thrilled. Haven't seen her in a while and it'll be awesome to catch up.

This reminded me about how incredibly grateful I am for my best friend Megan.

I met Megan back in the fall of 2010 when we both transferred to private school. I wish I could tell you that there was a moment when we both knew we were best friends, but there really isn't. We've had our ups and downs but in all honesty, mostly ups. She's beautiful, smart, funny, loving, and most importantly, a sister in Christ. I don't know where I'd be if it wasn't for her. Megan has stuck with me through thick and thin, especially as I face a lot of struggles lately. And although she doesn't always know what to say, a simple "I love you", works the best. There were times when I thought I'd lose her, like when we went to different high schools, but we are still stuck like glue. We work together at Culver's and although there are times where I don't see her for a week or two, when we reunite it's as though nothing has changed. Her smile is infectious and I can see God working through her. He has such big plans for her and I love her to death.

If I had to use one word to describe my best friend it would easily be "blessing". Because that's what she's been in my life. She's like family to me, and I thank God for giving me somebody as wonderful as Megan. 

I hope that all of you have somebody like Megan in your life. And if you do, don't forget to thank God for them. He's blessed you with a sidekick to help you get through those rough patches in life. 

So Megan, if you read this, which I hope you do...I love you lots girl! Thanks for everything.

Blessed with the best best friend,
Marissa Mayer

P.S. Thanks for the 2.8K views!! Can we reach 3K by the end of the week? 

Friday, September 4, 2015

It's The Simple Stuff

Good morning! Guess what? It's FRIDAY! I'm super excited about finally reaching the end of the week- it's been a long one. However, I am going to be quite busy this weekend, so if I forget to post- that's why.

So I went to Starbucks this morning and decided to go in to get my mocha because I know the struggle of operating a drive thru- it can get hectic. Now, I've been to Starbucks multiple times and the workers there are so nice. They always smile and really make my morning better. Not to mention, they're making my coffee...

This really inspires me to be the same. The impact you have on those around you is so great. A simple smile or hello can honestly make somebody's day. As I sit in my school hallway writing this, I've been encouraged to talk with a few freshmen who walk by or say hi to somebody who I don't talk to a lot. Because who knows...they're all probably going through their own struggles too! Maybe I'm not the only kid in the school who is struggling with their parents' divorce. Or maybe one of them is suffering the loss of a loved one. You never know. You'll also never know just how much they might appreciate your positive attitude in their day. It makes me feel good knowing that I'm making other people's day a little better by spreading the love of Christ through my words and actions. Even through the simplest things- because He first loved us. Enough to die for each and every sin of this world.

Just trying to make this world a little happier,
Marissa Mayer

"A new commandment I give to you, that you love one another: just as I have loved you, you are also to love one another." -John 13:34

Thursday, September 3, 2015

International Viewers

Hi guys! I had a super great day at work and school and I hope you all did too of course!

I just wanted to thank all of you- especially my international blog viewers! Here are some current numbers just in case you're interested:

All time international views include:

Portugal- 26 (all from today!)
Mexico- 9
Russia- 6
Canada- 5
Germany- 3
Malaysia-1

And when you add all of those numbers together you get a grand total of 50. FIFTY views from around the world. I cannot describe how thankful I am to be touching lives even here in America, let alone across the globe. I truly hope I am making an impact on your lives, as you all have been making an impact on mine. I thoroughly enjoy blogging almost every day, as it brings me a great sense of peace. God works through even me to reach those who need to hear His promises!

Sharing His love- now internationally,
Marissa Mayer

Wednesday, September 2, 2015

Solid

Hey guys! Hope that all of you are having a great start to your school year!

So I start class in a few minutes, but I thought I'd take some time to make a post.

I'm having a great day so far. And it's not even 9am! I stopped to get a Cinnamon Chai Latte at Starbucks (yum!) and then a friend and I got donuts from Kwik Trip. It was simple, but it put a smile on my face. Then when I got to school, I remembered that my friend Emma had made me my "anxiety jar" which has inspiring quotes inside of it for me to read every day. I'm super excited about band today as we have some really cool pieces to play. I also have been listening to the Weeknd's new album Beauty Behind The Madness, all morning.

What I'm trying to say is that when you can find the littlest things in life to make you happy, hold on to them. Those blessings can hold you strong and steady. Find those solid things in your life. Keep 'em! If Cinnamon Chai Lattes and the Weeknd make my day better, then guess what I'm going to do more often?!

I feel super great today, and I hope all of you have a fabulous day! May He give you His peace if you need it.

His love is solid even when our faith is not,
Marissa Mayer

P.S. Only a few views away from 2.5k! Beyond blessed to have each and every one of you! Much love. 

Tuesday, September 1, 2015

The Toughest Battle

Hey guys- I have to be completely honest in this post.

Last night I tried to kill myself. Not like a serious attempt, but I was just about to grab those pills when my mom caught me.

I wish I could tell you that I knew what led to it. But I don't. There is no "pinpoint" or anything. Because the whole depression thing in and of itself isn't simple.

I had written letters to the important people in my life. Telling them I was sorry and that I loved them. The more I wrote them, the more sure I was. That this is what I wanted to do.

The words, "I want to die" and "I don't want to live" flew out of my mouth. But I didn't even really knew I said it. They just escaped. There was nothing else to say, and there was no more air in the room for me to breathe. I squeezed my hands together to make sure I was still alive, but they didn't feel the same. I ran to my room and I didn't faint, but my legs gave out and I fell on the floor. My parents rushed upstairs and I noticed the fear in their eyes. It saddened me. But it was like all at once they wanted me to decide who I want to live with when this is over. And honestly, the answer was neither. I want to go back to the way things used to be. But of course that isn't an option. Suddenly, I have to pick which parent I want to primarily live with and when to visit the other and on and on...

In the end, I was okay. Like usual. But my mom cried and my dad made sure to check on me multiple times. I didn't mean to scare or hurt them. I love my mom and dad. But when this deep pit of sadness hits me, it takes control. And it's incredibly hard to fight it off. I was scared because for once, music didn't save me as quickly as it usually does. The bible verses in my room just looked like words.

But God is always good. Had my mom not walked in when I was ready to take those pills, I might not have been here. It was His timing. On purpose. Because He isn't done with me yet. He has a plan. I gotta stick around.

I share this story with you because I know what it's like. And in God's plan I believe that he wants me to be a witness to all of you. And reassure you the He has overcome everything for us. Have patience. And I'm not saying that I'm suddenly healed and happy, because I'm not. I've just overcome one more battle. I've fought for one more round. And I cannot wait until the day when God takes me home, not when I decide to.That will be the day when I am victorious. Victorious in Christ.

Surrounded by His unending love,
Marissa Mayer


Friday, August 28, 2015

Breathe.


Sunshine On Rainy Days

Today was a drizzly day here in Wisconsin. And I know that for me, I tend to feel a little more sad on these kinds of days. I went to school not feeling well, yet again, and it frustrated me. And when I got to school, I broke down. Quietly.

In all honesty, it's hard. I don't like crying in front of people. And I was surrounded by my friends this morning when the tears flooded my eyes.

To all of you who have experienced something similar, I hope you have people who are always there for you 100%. Because, this morning, I felt like I had nobody. My friends hadn't really made any effort to communicate with me this summer. And let me tell you, this summer was when I needed them most. But suddenly when they watched me cry at school it seemed like the right time to step up and be "friends". It frustrated me. Sure, I had two people ask me this morning "what's wrong?" and tell me it would be okay, but for some reason, I didn't feel any better. You know why? It's virtually impossible for me to tell you what's wrong. Most of the time when my sadness gets the best of me, I am not able to pin point the source of my pain. And hearing that it will get better only reminds me that I'm not okay right now. And in the moment, that's all that matters.

To those of you who read my blog and do not have anxiety or depression, I ask that you choose your words wisely when trying to comfort somebody. One thing I love using is God and His love. He will make things better. He will make it okay. If you're going to use the phrase, "it'll be okay", use it cautiously. Use God as you speak. He is the ultimate source of comfort and peace. Sometimes, it's even best to just not say anything. For example, in chapel the other day, the pastor spoke about Christ and the sacrifice He made for His bride- The Church. He loved her enough that He died for her. He related this to marriages in our world today. This reminded me of my parents and of everything that's going wrong. Before I had time to cry, one of my friends took my hand and just held it. Squeezed it tight and didn't say a word. Sometimes silence speaks louder than words.

What I'm trying to say is, find those people who understand you the best. The ones that aren't as self-centered. The ones who will be there for you through everything. Because if there are people in your life who you do everything for, but they aren't willing to lift a finger for you, are they really going to be of good support during your battle with depression/anxiety/etc.? Probably not. And this is something that I only came to terms with today. I'm not saying drop them as friends. Not at all. I'm saying that you can find people- perhaps it's only one or two- who will always be there. It's not the number of friends, it's the quality of your friends. We all know it hurts to run to your friends who won't help you when you need it. That's how I felt today. But there is always going to be those few rays of sunshine in your storm. And I can promise you that I am always going to be one of them.

I'm sorry if this post was a little confusing. For some reason I can't find the right words to express my thoughts tonight- it was a long week at school! Hope you all had a fabulous day, and thank you so much for the 2.3k views! God certainly is taking me places with this blog.

Shining brightly in the light of His love,
Marissa Mayer

"Then they cried out to the Lord in their trouble,
and he brought them out of their distress.
He stilled the storm to a whisper;
the waves of the sea were hushed.
They were glad when it grew calm,
and he guided them to their desired haven.
Let them give thanks to the Lord for his unfailing love
and his wonderful deeds for mankind."

-Psalm 107: 28-31