Tuesday, September 29, 2015

Calling It Quits

It's 8:47 PM as I write this, and let me tell you...it has been an incredibly long start to the week. I've had an overabundance of homework and absolutely no motivation. Lots of studying and writing. Unfortunately, my anxiety won't allow me to comprehend what I read or learn, so I've been struggling lately. Last night was so bad that I broke down. I'm watching my grades slip before me, and although they aren't bad, they are most definitely not up to "Marissa's standards". Let me also tell you...staying up late and waking up early for school do not mix well! I'm running on minimal sleep and trying to keep up with this crazy thing called life.

This is also the first week of "switching parents". Something that I don't feel I'm ready to adjust to. I don't think I ever will be actually. It's unnatural. And all my body wants to do is react in classic denial.

I cry. Every single night. Last night was probably the worst. I didn't even understand why I was crying, and the tears wouldn't stop. My body actually ached from the inside out and I had a headache all day because of it. The term "heartache" is real. The pain...it's 100% real. It's probably worse than most physical pain because it's a million harder times to heal. You can't simply "get over it" whereas you can put a band-aid on a cut or take ibuprofen for a headache. Many girls experience heartache over boys (yes, so have I), but watching your parents love you but hate each other...now that's rough. The people that were supposed to love each other just as Christ loves His church, do not. He was willing to die for her. That is LOVE.

My house does not feel like a home. My grades are not where they should be. I'm in a little pit of my depression and I'm stuck. I've wanted to call it quits more than once this week.

But there's one thing I've learned from my parents through all of this. You can't call it quits. They're calling it quits on each other, but I cannot call it quits on myself. I cannot give up. I have to fight. And if it isn't for myself, then it needs to be for all of those who love me and surround me.

I'm still alive.. And I will be alive until the Lord calls me home. This is His plan. Not mine. He wants me to stick around. He will provide me with His strength when I can barely stand.

I hope all of you have a good rest of the week. May He give you His peace when you are need. I attached a link below to the song "Alive" by Sia. The song is truly about Sia and her suicide attempt through a drug overdose, but I cannot stop listening to it just because it's a beautiful song and definitely a good reminder that I'm still alive too!

He will hold me when I cannot hold myself,
Marissa Mayer




Sunday, September 27, 2015

Fall

Happy Sunday to all my viewers out there! Hope you are all having a lovely day so far.

I went to church this morning and the weather outside is beautiful. It's not too warm, and it's just chilly enough to wear a sweater. Time to pull out the scarves and boots! I absolutely love fall because that's when all the leaves change and you can see God's beauty poured out through His creation.

I know that a lot of times, depression spikes during the fall/winter season because the weather is colder, the sun isn't out as long and sometimes it can just make you feel "blah". And if this applies to you, I encourage you to stay strong. Use those cold, rainy/snowy days to stay inside and read a book. Perhaps, the best book. The Bible. God's Word has never failed to help me through rough times. And when I'm feeling creative, I write out some inspirational verses and hang them in my room so that I'm surrounded by them. Creativity is always another way to keep your spirits high. It doesn't have to be art. Maybe try music or writing. Even writing this blog helps me feel better!

Fall is such a beautiful time of year. Don't be afraid to enjoy it. Go get yourself a pumpkin spice latte and curl up to a good book...or watch a football game. Whatever you do, smile while you do it! God's blessings are always around, you just have to take the time to notice them.

Enjoying the little things,
Marissa Mayer

P.S. Big thank you goes out to the view from Bangladesh! God's letting me work internationally and it feels so good!

Wednesday, September 23, 2015

Attacked

Today could have been better.

I was sick yesterday with a fever so I went home early and then today I had some stuff to make up and I had a headache. Today was also the day of my parent's first court hearing for the divorce.

I know that they disagree on living arrangements as of right now and this thought of not having one parent in the house was really bothering me. All I've ever known was two. That's how moms and dads come. As a pair. A set, if you will. It's not natural for them to be separate. That's not how it's supposed to be. Because kids need them both.

I was walking to band and I felt the familiar wave of anxiety splash onto what had been a peaceful shore. The rising of the pain made me walk quickly to find my friends. I felt the hot tears as they blurred. It got harder to breathe and there wasn't enough air for me. I tried to breathe quicker, but I felt suffocated. People swarmed the halls and usually I can control my emotions when others are around. But today, the sadness attacked me from behind when I least expected it.

Nothing felt worse to me than knowing that my classmates saw me when I was weak. At my breaking point. A few kids glanced at me as I held onto one of my friends. My body wanted to collapse into an abyss of tears but my friends kept me steady and walked me to band.

Band is my world. I absolutely adore music. And after awhile, I didn't notice the burning in my eyes or the sorrow in my heart. All I felt was the beauty of music soothing my pain.

I understand the struggle of the never-ending pain. How it can be there one day, and seemingly gone the next even though you know it's still there. It's beyond frustrating. I know. And this is why I pray for all of my viewers out there who need comfort. Because I have felt this pain. But be assured that someday it will be no longer and that we will be eternally happy with Him in heaven.

I can't wait for the day when I'll proclaim, "In Christ is the victory",
Marissa Mayer

Sunday, September 20, 2015

Beautiful

Good evening everyone! Don't have a lot of time to make an actual post tonight, but I do have a favor to ask.

A friend of mine is a very big fan of Jacob Whitesides and just started a great hashtag on Twitter that asks people to tweet a picture and tell something they find beautiful about themselves.

I think this is a great idea! Spreading a positive attitude around and reminding others how beautiful they are. I know that there are many days where I don't think I'm beautiful, and I'm sure many of you have those too. But you were created in the image of Christ. His beautiful image.

So I'm just asking that if you have a Twitter, perhaps you could participate in helping my friend get some more tweets about being beautiful.

My friend's Twitter: https://twitter.com/SEEWHITESIDES

My Twitter: https://twitter.com/_mayerssa_

The hashtag is: #RulesOfBeautiful

Thanks lovelies,
Marissa Mayer

"I praise you because I am fearfully and wonderfully made; your works are wonderful, I know that full well." -Psalm 139:14


Wednesday, September 16, 2015

Alive In Christ

Happy Wednesday everyone! Hope you've had a great week so far!

It's the middle of homecoming week and it's been pretty fun so far! The next few days will be pretty busy so I thought I'd post now rather than not at all for the rest of the week.

I'm having another great day! Got my salted caramel mocha frappuccino from Starbucks and got another international view- this time from Puerto Rico! So thrilled about sharing my experience worldwide. You are all fantastic.

The rest of the week hopefully goes well, and today I'm feeling excited and totally alive. And the fact that I'm alive in Christ only makes me feel better! I was doing some reading this morning and was reminded yet again, of the love Christ showers abundantly upon us. His death on the cross cancels out my sin and makes me perfect in His sight. I am a sinner who can be pronounced sin free in the eyes of my Savior. I was dead in my sin but He has made me alive! 

If you're feeling down today, I want you to remember that there is hope! Hope of an eternal life with Him in His heavenly kingdom! Be patient and wait for the Lord, for He has made you alive in Christ.

Thank you all for making my blog be a success,
Marissa Mayer

"But because of his great love for us, God, who is rich in mercy, made us alive with Christ even when we were dead in transgressions- it is by grace you have been saved." -Ephesians 2:4-5

Tuesday, September 15, 2015

His Beautiful Creation





Diagnosis

Good morning! Hope you're all having a great start to your morning!

Just a quick update: my counselor diagnosed me with situational depression and anxiety with a possible mood disorder.

But even as she told me, I wasn't very worried because I trust that one day I will be cured. Completely. Someday, my struggles will be over and I will be a proud citizen of His kingdom. No longer will I feel like this. And I believe that with that hope alone, I am already on a good route towards happiness.

Another thing...I was on my way to school this morning and it was raining and thundering and lightning. But the sun still struggled to poke out and ended up making a beautiful rainbow. It made me think about even though I have "stormy days", I always manage to come around. And when I finish this battle, I hope that I have left an impact on all of you. That my battle will end up being almost as beautiful as that rainbow.

Thank you all for supporting me as I continue this crazy journey called life. Watching the Lord work through me is absolutely life-changing and I wouldn't change anything about it.

God is GOOD. Always.

Depressed but always and forever blessed,
Marissa Mayer

Sunday, September 13, 2015

Looking Forward

I really don't have anything bad to say about today. (Except for my cold...) I can't remember the last time I had such a fabulous day.

I went to church this morning- which, receiving God's Word is always good! And then I went out to lunch with my best friend Megan, at Culver's (of course), and went dress shopping in Fond du Lac. We laughed a lot, drank a lot of Starbucks, sang some Taylor Swift, and tried on a lot of silly dresses. (One of which made Megan look like a bird).

We were on our way home singing "Wildest Dreams" on top of our lungs and I felt it.

I felt the utter happiness from the core of my soul. God's love surrounded me and I silently thanked Him for one of the biggest blessing's in my life- my best friend. She had put a smile on my face all day and I can't wait to bring her to my school's homecoming this upcoming weekend.

Soooo it's gonna be a busy week for me. Lot's of activities. Tomorrow I get to see my counselor again and I get to do a read through for my part in the fall drama! I'm very excited.

Even though it's a busy week, it isn't always like that. But something that makes me feel better is when I have a little something to look forward to in every day or week sometimes. For example, I always look forward to even working with Megan once a week or getting Starbucks before school, or getting to play my favorite piece in band. By doing this, I can remind myself that there will be something better in the future. Now look out even farther than a week. Someday (hopefully), I will get married and have children. Isn't that something to look forward to? Isn't that a reason to live? God. Is. So. Good.

Feel free to tell me all about what you're looking forward to this week! Email me at marissa.mayer17@gmail.com and follow me on social media to keep up with my crazy week! (see below)

Here's to a good week,
Marissa Mayer

Friday, September 11, 2015

Frustrated

It's been both the worst and the best week.

I've made some stupid mistakes. I've suffered. I've also cried tears of joy and prayed prayers of thanks.

So good news: I made the secretary of band council, and I know how ridiculously silly that sounds, but I'm actually beyond thrilled to help my director do various things for our music program. I also made honors band! There are no words to describe how grateful I am for my music career.

On the flip side, I've had another anxiety attack and lost my ability to concentrate in school. I'm beyond stressed with homework and all of my classes. I'm watching everyone else around me move forward and I feel like I'm stuck behind. And nothing hurts more than watching your friends smile and laugh and succeed in all of their classes when you can't. When it's a struggle for me to finish my homework because I lack motivation. Tonight, I was taking my medical terminology exam and I've had barely any time to study all week and I got frustrated because I felt stupid.

It's easy to slip away and wonder where God is. But honestly, He was there the whole time. I didn't depend on Him when I should have, however I was quick to thank Him when the times were good. Usually, it's the other way around, but this week was different.

So for now, I'm just hoping this frustration will go away. Next week is homecoming week, so I'm just praying that I stay busy enough to keep my mind off everything.

Prayers for all of you- hope you all had a good week! Thanks for getting me up to 3,000 views!

He will provide His peace,
Marissa Mayer

"Come to me, all who labor and are heavy laden, and I will give you rest. Take my yoke upon you, and learn from me, for I am gentle and lowly in heart, and you will find rest for your souls."
 -Matthew 11:28-29

Tuesday, September 8, 2015

Impeccable Timing

Today at chapel, our guest speaker talked about how God is always there and always provides. I couldn't help but tear up because his words touched me.

I thought about those two times when I was just about to grab that bottle of pills. And how each time, my mom caught me.

Do you understand how odd it is that she caught me both times? It wasn't just luck or good timing. It was impeccably perfect timing. His timing. He saved me. It was nothing but a pure miracle. God has a plan for me. Even when I didn't have a plan for myself- or when I thought it was to end my own life. His love wins. It saves.

Throughout my battle, I wonder how I'd survive if I were an atheist. And I've come to the conclusion that I wouldn't. I would be no where without my God. And when God saved me in both of those times when I was weak and vulnerable to Satan's lies, I cannot imagine believing in anything but His divine purpose. It wasn't just chance- it was a plan. Sometimes, Christianity just seems like the obvious answer, and that's why I love being able to share this blog. To remind all of you that sometimes we are blinded by the lies of this world- that we can't fight anymore and we have to give up- but we can rest firm in His truth. And He has a plan not only for me, but for you too!

Hope all of you are having a good start back at school! 

Always in my prayers,
Marissa Mayer

Sunday, September 6, 2015

Best Friends

Hey guys! Super excited about today and feeling great! It's a little on the hot side out here today, but I'm going to the county fair with my best friend in a little bit and I'm beyond thrilled. Haven't seen her in a while and it'll be awesome to catch up.

This reminded me about how incredibly grateful I am for my best friend Megan.

I met Megan back in the fall of 2010 when we both transferred to private school. I wish I could tell you that there was a moment when we both knew we were best friends, but there really isn't. We've had our ups and downs but in all honesty, mostly ups. She's beautiful, smart, funny, loving, and most importantly, a sister in Christ. I don't know where I'd be if it wasn't for her. Megan has stuck with me through thick and thin, especially as I face a lot of struggles lately. And although she doesn't always know what to say, a simple "I love you", works the best. There were times when I thought I'd lose her, like when we went to different high schools, but we are still stuck like glue. We work together at Culver's and although there are times where I don't see her for a week or two, when we reunite it's as though nothing has changed. Her smile is infectious and I can see God working through her. He has such big plans for her and I love her to death.

If I had to use one word to describe my best friend it would easily be "blessing". Because that's what she's been in my life. She's like family to me, and I thank God for giving me somebody as wonderful as Megan. 

I hope that all of you have somebody like Megan in your life. And if you do, don't forget to thank God for them. He's blessed you with a sidekick to help you get through those rough patches in life. 

So Megan, if you read this, which I hope you do...I love you lots girl! Thanks for everything.

Blessed with the best best friend,
Marissa Mayer

P.S. Thanks for the 2.8K views!! Can we reach 3K by the end of the week? 

Friday, September 4, 2015

It's The Simple Stuff

Good morning! Guess what? It's FRIDAY! I'm super excited about finally reaching the end of the week- it's been a long one. However, I am going to be quite busy this weekend, so if I forget to post- that's why.

So I went to Starbucks this morning and decided to go in to get my mocha because I know the struggle of operating a drive thru- it can get hectic. Now, I've been to Starbucks multiple times and the workers there are so nice. They always smile and really make my morning better. Not to mention, they're making my coffee...

This really inspires me to be the same. The impact you have on those around you is so great. A simple smile or hello can honestly make somebody's day. As I sit in my school hallway writing this, I've been encouraged to talk with a few freshmen who walk by or say hi to somebody who I don't talk to a lot. Because who knows...they're all probably going through their own struggles too! Maybe I'm not the only kid in the school who is struggling with their parents' divorce. Or maybe one of them is suffering the loss of a loved one. You never know. You'll also never know just how much they might appreciate your positive attitude in their day. It makes me feel good knowing that I'm making other people's day a little better by spreading the love of Christ through my words and actions. Even through the simplest things- because He first loved us. Enough to die for each and every sin of this world.

Just trying to make this world a little happier,
Marissa Mayer

"A new commandment I give to you, that you love one another: just as I have loved you, you are also to love one another." -John 13:34

Thursday, September 3, 2015

International Viewers

Hi guys! I had a super great day at work and school and I hope you all did too of course!

I just wanted to thank all of you- especially my international blog viewers! Here are some current numbers just in case you're interested:

All time international views include:

Portugal- 26 (all from today!)
Mexico- 9
Russia- 6
Canada- 5
Germany- 3
Malaysia-1

And when you add all of those numbers together you get a grand total of 50. FIFTY views from around the world. I cannot describe how thankful I am to be touching lives even here in America, let alone across the globe. I truly hope I am making an impact on your lives, as you all have been making an impact on mine. I thoroughly enjoy blogging almost every day, as it brings me a great sense of peace. God works through even me to reach those who need to hear His promises!

Sharing His love- now internationally,
Marissa Mayer

Wednesday, September 2, 2015

Solid

Hey guys! Hope that all of you are having a great start to your school year!

So I start class in a few minutes, but I thought I'd take some time to make a post.

I'm having a great day so far. And it's not even 9am! I stopped to get a Cinnamon Chai Latte at Starbucks (yum!) and then a friend and I got donuts from Kwik Trip. It was simple, but it put a smile on my face. Then when I got to school, I remembered that my friend Emma had made me my "anxiety jar" which has inspiring quotes inside of it for me to read every day. I'm super excited about band today as we have some really cool pieces to play. I also have been listening to the Weeknd's new album Beauty Behind The Madness, all morning.

What I'm trying to say is that when you can find the littlest things in life to make you happy, hold on to them. Those blessings can hold you strong and steady. Find those solid things in your life. Keep 'em! If Cinnamon Chai Lattes and the Weeknd make my day better, then guess what I'm going to do more often?!

I feel super great today, and I hope all of you have a fabulous day! May He give you His peace if you need it.

His love is solid even when our faith is not,
Marissa Mayer

P.S. Only a few views away from 2.5k! Beyond blessed to have each and every one of you! Much love. 

Tuesday, September 1, 2015

The Toughest Battle

Hey guys- I have to be completely honest in this post.

Last night I tried to kill myself. Not like a serious attempt, but I was just about to grab those pills when my mom caught me.

I wish I could tell you that I knew what led to it. But I don't. There is no "pinpoint" or anything. Because the whole depression thing in and of itself isn't simple.

I had written letters to the important people in my life. Telling them I was sorry and that I loved them. The more I wrote them, the more sure I was. That this is what I wanted to do.

The words, "I want to die" and "I don't want to live" flew out of my mouth. But I didn't even really knew I said it. They just escaped. There was nothing else to say, and there was no more air in the room for me to breathe. I squeezed my hands together to make sure I was still alive, but they didn't feel the same. I ran to my room and I didn't faint, but my legs gave out and I fell on the floor. My parents rushed upstairs and I noticed the fear in their eyes. It saddened me. But it was like all at once they wanted me to decide who I want to live with when this is over. And honestly, the answer was neither. I want to go back to the way things used to be. But of course that isn't an option. Suddenly, I have to pick which parent I want to primarily live with and when to visit the other and on and on...

In the end, I was okay. Like usual. But my mom cried and my dad made sure to check on me multiple times. I didn't mean to scare or hurt them. I love my mom and dad. But when this deep pit of sadness hits me, it takes control. And it's incredibly hard to fight it off. I was scared because for once, music didn't save me as quickly as it usually does. The bible verses in my room just looked like words.

But God is always good. Had my mom not walked in when I was ready to take those pills, I might not have been here. It was His timing. On purpose. Because He isn't done with me yet. He has a plan. I gotta stick around.

I share this story with you because I know what it's like. And in God's plan I believe that he wants me to be a witness to all of you. And reassure you the He has overcome everything for us. Have patience. And I'm not saying that I'm suddenly healed and happy, because I'm not. I've just overcome one more battle. I've fought for one more round. And I cannot wait until the day when God takes me home, not when I decide to.That will be the day when I am victorious. Victorious in Christ.

Surrounded by His unending love,
Marissa Mayer