Tuesday, September 29, 2015

Calling It Quits

It's 8:47 PM as I write this, and let me tell you...it has been an incredibly long start to the week. I've had an overabundance of homework and absolutely no motivation. Lots of studying and writing. Unfortunately, my anxiety won't allow me to comprehend what I read or learn, so I've been struggling lately. Last night was so bad that I broke down. I'm watching my grades slip before me, and although they aren't bad, they are most definitely not up to "Marissa's standards". Let me also tell you...staying up late and waking up early for school do not mix well! I'm running on minimal sleep and trying to keep up with this crazy thing called life.

This is also the first week of "switching parents". Something that I don't feel I'm ready to adjust to. I don't think I ever will be actually. It's unnatural. And all my body wants to do is react in classic denial.

I cry. Every single night. Last night was probably the worst. I didn't even understand why I was crying, and the tears wouldn't stop. My body actually ached from the inside out and I had a headache all day because of it. The term "heartache" is real. The pain...it's 100% real. It's probably worse than most physical pain because it's a million harder times to heal. You can't simply "get over it" whereas you can put a band-aid on a cut or take ibuprofen for a headache. Many girls experience heartache over boys (yes, so have I), but watching your parents love you but hate each other...now that's rough. The people that were supposed to love each other just as Christ loves His church, do not. He was willing to die for her. That is LOVE.

My house does not feel like a home. My grades are not where they should be. I'm in a little pit of my depression and I'm stuck. I've wanted to call it quits more than once this week.

But there's one thing I've learned from my parents through all of this. You can't call it quits. They're calling it quits on each other, but I cannot call it quits on myself. I cannot give up. I have to fight. And if it isn't for myself, then it needs to be for all of those who love me and surround me.

I'm still alive.. And I will be alive until the Lord calls me home. This is His plan. Not mine. He wants me to stick around. He will provide me with His strength when I can barely stand.

I hope all of you have a good rest of the week. May He give you His peace when you are need. I attached a link below to the song "Alive" by Sia. The song is truly about Sia and her suicide attempt through a drug overdose, but I cannot stop listening to it just because it's a beautiful song and definitely a good reminder that I'm still alive too!

He will hold me when I cannot hold myself,
Marissa Mayer




2 comments:

  1. Marissa, you don't know me but I'm going to be praying for you. I haven't had to deal with parents getting divorced, but know that you are in my thoughts and prayers.

    I do know how it feels to want to call it quits. I'm currently 40 weeks and five days pregnant (that's five days "overdue") and I am just done--SO ready to hold my little boy. And I've been at the point with school where I just wanted to quit--I'm working on my master's and sometimes it gets really in the way of life. And sometimes I'm just really tired and stressed and feel like giving up.

    That's okay sometimes. To realize our own limitations, the fact that we can't do it all and can't always live up to our own expectations (I hear you on that one for sure). But rest in this knowledge, Marissa: Jesus has no limitations; he will NEVER give up on us; and he has lived up to his own expectations for us in our place. I pray that he gives you peace that surpasses understanding, joy even in the face of sorrow and suffering, and hope in the knowledge of his love for you.

    Love in Jesus,
    Jaimie Ramsey (Melody Huebschman's big sister ;) )

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    1. Thank you so much Jaimie! Yes, I'm aware you are Melody's big sister :) I've been praying for you too! Super excited for your family as you welcome a new little one into the world. What a blessing!

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