Saturday, October 31, 2015

Testing and Trials

Happy Saturday everyone! I know that I use the "busy" excuse a lot, but that's been my life lately. I hope that all of you have been doing well!

Recently, I've noticed some recent testing of my faith. I've had a "friend" of mine question the purpose of my blog and even my depression itself. He called me selfish, and it took a serious toll on me the other day. I broke down at school and was forced into the counselor's office.

My aunt also emailed me question my faith and my blog as well. Thankfully, I was able to clearly articulate my thoughts and feelings back in a respectful manner.

But both of these scenarios hurt me. People whom I respect and am fairly close to, suddenly questioning me. Through this, I was forced to question myself. It was most definitely hard to stand up for myself and defend my blog. Lots of crying...lots of praying. But thankfully, God provided me with strength to get through it.

The past two days, however, have been a little harder too. My best friend hasn't been very present in my life. I've slowly watched her choose her other friends and boyfriend over me. I've called when I've needed her and felt alone as she slowly tried to close the door. I kept my feelings locked up for awhile as it has been a few weeks now. But last night, it required confrontation. And it was extremely hard. Of course she denied everything I said, and made it look as though I was the one hurting her.

Today in Wisconsin it is very gloomy and rainy, which is extremely hard to feel good in. I don't know why, but I've been pushing tears back all day. I miss my old life. My old and happy self. Before all of these hardships, trials, and tests. I look at the people around me and wish I had their joy. It seems hard to find the light at the end of the tunnel.

BUT remember this. Christ is the light at the end of the tunnel. He has saved you. He is preparing a place for you in heaven. Is that not something to look forward to? These tests and trials are going to strengthen you- they are shaping you into a beautiful and strong Christian. He is using you. I found a ton of great bible verses to share:

"And after you have suffered a little while, the God of all grace, who has called you to his eternal glory in Christ, will himself restore, confirm, strengthen, and establish you." 

-1 Peter 5:10

"Blessed is the man who remains steadfast under trial, for when he has stood the test he will receive the crown of life, which God has promised to those who love him."

-James 1:12

"I have said these things to you, that in me you may have peace. In the world you will have tribulation. But take heart; I have overcome the world.”

-John 16:33

"Rejoice in hope, be patient in tribulation, be constant in prayer."

-Romans 12:12

And there are so many more. Here's a link to the website I found these on:

http://www.openbible.info/topics/trials_and_tribulations

I hope that they help you out when you are in need of some reassurance. I also have a poll on the side about whether or not I should make an "About Me" post. Just let me know if you all think that's a good idea or not. 


Also- if you are in need of prayer requests...please send them in to me! I'm always looking for new things to pray about. You can submit them through the "Contact Me" on the right hand side of the page.



Remember that God is good. Always,
Marissa Mayer
xoxo

Monday, October 26, 2015

*Quick Update*

Hey guys...life has been super crazy lately! Wish I had more time to write!

Just some things going on:

1) I got interviewed by my music teacher's wife, who is a reporter for the newspaper, about my blog and depression! God's working...!

2) I unfortunately received an email about my blog that was not very encouraging today. Just in need of a reminder that I'm helping you guys: so please feel free to send me a message! Tell me your story or just give me some positive feedback...it'd be greatly appreciated. Just fill out the information on the right-hand side: labeled "Contact Me!"

3) I'm going to be going to France in March as an exchange! Don't know if I mentioned that in another post or not, but I'm so excited!

4) Had our fall music concert tonight at school and was reminded of some of the blessings in my life. God has given us all great talents, hasn't He?

5) I will be gone at a leadership camp from Thursday morning until Friday afternoon, so if you try getting a hold of me and do not get a response, I will get back to you ASAP!

6) Still hoping to get to 5k views by Thanksgiving. Let's make it possible!

As always, I am here for all of you and I hope you guys have a great rest of the week. I'll try to post before I am gone on Thursday and Friday, but we will see...

Busy and blessed,
Marissa Mayer

Tuesday, October 20, 2015

Never-ending Tears

Good evening! Sorry I haven't written lately. Once again, I've been busy. But thank you for the 4.5k views! Unbelievably blessed to write for all of you who read my blog. Thinking that maybe my goal can be 5k by Thanksgiving...?

But anyways, here's just some thoughts for tonight. As always, feedback is appreciated:

In all honesty, I'm sick of crying. I cry at least once during the day and then usually as I go to sleep at night. It's weird because crying makes me feel the pain worse, but at the same time it makes me feel better. I've become familiar with the rush of emotions running through my veins. The sensation in my face preparing me for the break down. The hot tears running down my face and the occasional struggle of breathing between sobs. It gets old...it makes me feel tired and run down. And most of the time I can't even pinpoint why I'm crying. It's just a huge mosaic of depressing thoughts, one after another.

Today, for example, I was sitting in the back corner of the classroom while my classmates presented their fitness projects. Suddenly, it's like my body flipped a switch. I wasn't focused, but I wasn't really thinking about anything in particular either. Then it came. The rush. The sensation. The hot tears. Only, it wasn't just a few tears I could wipe away. I tried to hold it in and I became extremely anxious. What if somebody saw me?

Soon enough, my friend Hannah turned around. Unable to speak during the presentation, she held my hand and squeezed it. What seemed like an eternity later, the presentation was over and a few more of my friends came to my side. They made me laugh which seemed okay to them, but it wasn't to me. Because there I sat with a tear-streaked face while laughing. I looked ridiculous, I'm sure. And all I wanted was to sit in my sadness for a few minutes. I wanted them to sit there in silence with me or hold my hand like Hannah did. I know that as the "comforter" it seems okay to make jokes when somebody is sad, because it's uncomfortable and often times we aren't sure what to say. But also as a depressed person, I know that it's awkward when the jokes are made, because it's not truly what you need. Remember, sometimes silence is the best therapy and comfort comes from love and understanding. (Understanding can also be hard when the comforter doesn't know much about depression...but that's a whole other post I'll make for a different day).

But to finish up this post, remember that it's okay to cry. And I know that sometimes you get tired of it, but I promise you it's so much better than holding it in. Crying is not weakness. In fact, I see it as the total opposite. I view it as strength. Because despite your circumstances, you're still alive. You might be struggling, but you're gonna make it out alright. Also remember that God loves you! He catches your tears when they fall and hears the crying in your heart.

And if you want to think of something to look forward to, remember that those tears of sadness will be turned to joy in eternity! He has saved you, He has a plan for you, and someday, you will emerge from your sea of tears, and be glorious through Christ.

Always here for each and everyone of you,
Marissa Mayer

"He will wipe away every tear from their eyes, and death shall be no more, neither shall there be mourning, nor crying, nor pain anymore, for the former things have passed away." -Revelation 21:4

Thursday, October 15, 2015

Finally A Good Day

Good evening all! As always, I hope you all had a great day!

Despite many of my recent "depressing" posts, tonight is a good one! I had a great day and I'm so thrilled about it. So I just thought I'd share.

Although I haven't been getting enough sleep lately, I went to school not feeling as tired as usual. I got some help on my Physics assignment (and understood it)! I went to band and really was able to connect with the music today. I also took a Pre-Calc quiz that I don't think I actually failed. I had a lot of good laughs with friends and went to play practice tonight, only to have a few more good laughs. I just got done doing a thorough study for my APUSH test tomorrow, did part of my Spanish project, and I haven't even shed a tear all day.

Not only that, but tomorrow is Friday...which means the end of the week! I made it through another rough week and I'm so incredibly proud of myself. All of those breakdowns and here I am...still alive. Still breathing. Still surviving. I have an amazing support team behind me. Yesterday and today I got texts from quite a few people just checking in on me, and I finally realized that my prayers had been answered. God worked through my friends to comfort me.

I can only hope that tomorrow and the rest of the weekend is just as good. I smiled so much today, I just wish I could store those up in a jar and keep them for the bad days.

God. You are so good. All the time. I don't know where I'd be without my faith.

Got to appreciate a good day...finally,
Marissa Mayer

"I have said these things to you, that in me you may have peace. In the world you will have tribulation. But take heart; I have overcome the world." -John 16:33

Monday, October 12, 2015

Sisters At Heart

Good evening to all of my lovely viewers! (Before I start, MAKE SURE YOU CHECK OUT THE BOTTOM OF THIS POST!) Hope you had a fantastic day! Haven't had much time to blog recently, but I would love to share more about my weekend...

On Saturday I went up to Green Bay to visit my cousin Emily. She's currently attending UWGB and needed some company. So, Mom and I spent the day up there and had an amazing time! We did a lot of talking, shopping, and of course, eating. 

Emily and I have been best friends since the beginning. She's only two years older than me, and while I look up to her, I know she looks up to me too. She's my sister at heart and I wouldn't trade anything for the relationship we have today. We've gone from Barbie dolls, to boys, to high school and college. I actually have a big poster in my room that has a variety of pictures of us on it and looking at it makes me tear up. 

She is beautiful. Not only is she flawless on the outside, she is genuinely gorgeous at heart. I've called her after multiple anxiety attacks and when I just need a shoulder to cry on. She's gotten me through arguments with my parents, to helping me shrug off boys who broke my heart. One thing I'll always remember is this:

When you get into a rough time, take some time to yourself and think things through completely before making any rash decisions. Do something for yourself. Take a bath, watch a movie, draw, listen to music...anything. Just push your problem to the side for a bit and slow down. 

I promise you, this works. At least for me. When I get mad at my mom or dad, I do just that. I take some time to myself...to cool down before approaching them. This way, I've thought things through a little and am better prepared to handle the situation. I've also used this method when I am having a rough day. The other night I felt this urge to hurt myself. And I knew I couldn't. So I put on some Christmas socks (yes, the festiveness of my socks cheered me up), and danced in my room. Then I watched some Pretty Little Liars and texted some friends. Soon enough, I completely forgot about wanting to hurt myself. Sometimes, it just takes a shift to distract your depression.

I love Emily because she's helping me through my depression like nobody else can. She's my sidekick and isn't afraid to take down this battle with me. I know I can always count on her and the reason I'm blogging about her tonight is because I miss her a little extra. I know she's struggling a little up at college. But I continue to pray for her...it's the least I can do after all she's done for me. 

Love you to the moon and back, Em. So blessed to have a "sister" like you. 

Depressed, but always and forever blessed,
Marissa Mayer

P.S. Hit me up on Twitter: https://twitter.com/_mayerssa_ and use the hashtag: #DepressedButBlessed and tell me about something or someone who is a continual blessing in your life. Would love to hear from you! Make sure you tag me and/or use the hashtag!

Friday, October 9, 2015

Holding On

Good evening everybody...sorry I haven't been posting everyday. It's been a busy week.

I'm going to be honest. It's been a struggle lately. Last night I went to bed and sobbed myself to sleep. The tears soaked my pillow and I wrapped my arms around a blanket. I squeezed it against myself real tight because sometimes, physically holding on and waiting for it to pass, makes it much easier. If I don't having anything around me to hold, I hug myself. Holding onto something brings me to both a good and bad conclusion.

The bad conclusion is that it reminds me that this is a reality. The pain, the suffering, all of it...it's real. Unfortunately this isn't a nightmare I'll wake up from anytime soon.

The good conclusion is that it reminds me of a ride. Have you ever been on a terrifying ride? Or perhaps watched a scary movie? You close your eyes, hold on, and wait for it to be over, right? Because it is going to pass. You just have to be patient.

Today in Christian Leadership our guest speaker talked briefly about suicide and how it doesn't make sense to make a permanent solution to a temporary problem. It really offended me because in all honesty, it's not like that. And to any of you out there who have had thoughts of suicide, I'm sure you can agree with me. The problem with depression is that there may be temporary problems making it worse, but in the end you're still depressed. It's just something that sticks around. And suicide is so much scarier than just waking up and deciding to kill yourself.

I remember grabbing that bottle of pills both times and pouring them into my hands, slowly. It wasn't that I necessarily wanted to, it's like something took over inside of me and told me I had to. The hands that grabbed the bottle were not mine. The fingers that slowly counted them were not mine. The voice in my head that told me to take them was not mine. It was the depression. And who is behind that? Satan. Trying to convince me I needed to die to get rid of the pain.

Anyways, back to where I was. This guest speaker phrased it in a super weird way that might make sense to somebody who doesn't know what depression feels like, but to myself, it wasn't okay. He talked about struggles in life and a bunch of other stuff. I wish I would have been able to hear him. But my own thoughts drowned him out.

I thought about how a year ago, my life was seemingly perfect. I had a boyfriend who was pretty much the sweetest thing I had come across, and was preparing to get my last name changed, I was getting good grades and we were a happy family. Now I say goodbye to my dad instead of goodnight. I'm sure at least one of you know what it's like to watch a divorce happen, but it's so much worse from the inside. It really is.

If it is "mom's designated day" I find myself wanting my dad, and on my "dad's designated day" I find myself wanting my mom. But everyday, I find myself wanting them both. And it's incredibly hard to let go and accept the fact that it's not happening.

I went to band after Christian Leadership. My heart was racing and I was not prepared for what was going to come. My friend Erin looked at me and knew instantly. And the moment she hugged me, the tears came out. There I was, crying at school. I held onto her and Emma because I couldn't hold onto myself. I needed support. I broke down and couldn't breathe. Anxiety attacks at school: 3 and Marissa: 0.

I'm sorry this post is so long, but honestly, it all just needs to be said. While you might think that I am strong from all of my posts, I am actually incredibly weak. It's even taking a toll on my body. My muscles ache and I can almost feel the actual pain of heartbreak.

But! I can't leave you off on a bad note.

Hold on everyone. Hold on tight. Hold on to His wonderful truth. His love. It has gotten me through so many rough times. It can most certainly get you through anything too. He will use wonderful people to help you out too.

Big shoutouts to Emma, the Erin(s), Kristin, & Emily. I love you ladies so much. You mean more than you know to me.

Love love love each and every one of you. Thank you for your support.

I will not let go,
Marissa Mayer

P.S. 
  • As ALWAYS, I'm here: email me at: marissa.mayer17@gmail.com
  • Got 2 views from Bahrain today...that makes 9 countries (besides the US)
  • AND...don't forget to take the poll on the right hand side! Only one more day left to do that! (And only 6 of you have so far...!)

Tuesday, October 6, 2015

Project Semicolon

Good morning viewers! Just wanted to share this picture of my project semicolon. It's a project reminding us that where we could end, we don't. We keep going. Because I have to go to class now I'll let you all do a little bit of your own research on that.

And remember to take the poll on the right side! Love to see how many of you look at this daily. 

Hold on tight my loves. It's all gonna be okay.

Much love,
Marissa Mayer


Monday, October 5, 2015

A Day Outside

Good morning viewers! Hope you're all having a great start to your Monday. If not, I hope I can help make it a little better.

Yesterday, I went down to Port Washington to visit with my cousin who was home from college for the weekend. We got some Starbucks (of course) and went on a nice walk out near the lake at some nature park. We did a lot of talking and it was a good reminder of just how blessed I am. The weather was cool, but the scenery was beautiful (I'll be sure to drop some pictures on the blog later...otherwise you will probably see some up on my Instagram in a few days). The leaves are just starting to change color, and overall, it was just a gorgeous view. I loved spending time with my cousin, and it felt really good to get outside.

If you haven't had the chance yet, I encourage you to get outside. Just go for a walk! Take somebody you're close to...or even just the dog! I really believe that God used His creation to make me feel better yesterday, and He can for you too!

Other announcements I'd like to make:

  • Take the poll on the right hand side of the blog! Let me know how often you view- would love to see some numbers up there!
  • Disregard the last post- I have already deleted it, but "the secret blogger" didn't end well between me and a friend.
  • At the bottom of each post you are able to check "helpful" or "relatable"- please check one when you finish reading (unless neither apply).
  • And as always feel free to follow me on social media or you can get a hold of me via email if you ever need anything!
Here's to a good day of no school,
Marissa Mayer