Tuesday, October 20, 2015

Never-ending Tears

Good evening! Sorry I haven't written lately. Once again, I've been busy. But thank you for the 4.5k views! Unbelievably blessed to write for all of you who read my blog. Thinking that maybe my goal can be 5k by Thanksgiving...?

But anyways, here's just some thoughts for tonight. As always, feedback is appreciated:

In all honesty, I'm sick of crying. I cry at least once during the day and then usually as I go to sleep at night. It's weird because crying makes me feel the pain worse, but at the same time it makes me feel better. I've become familiar with the rush of emotions running through my veins. The sensation in my face preparing me for the break down. The hot tears running down my face and the occasional struggle of breathing between sobs. It gets old...it makes me feel tired and run down. And most of the time I can't even pinpoint why I'm crying. It's just a huge mosaic of depressing thoughts, one after another.

Today, for example, I was sitting in the back corner of the classroom while my classmates presented their fitness projects. Suddenly, it's like my body flipped a switch. I wasn't focused, but I wasn't really thinking about anything in particular either. Then it came. The rush. The sensation. The hot tears. Only, it wasn't just a few tears I could wipe away. I tried to hold it in and I became extremely anxious. What if somebody saw me?

Soon enough, my friend Hannah turned around. Unable to speak during the presentation, she held my hand and squeezed it. What seemed like an eternity later, the presentation was over and a few more of my friends came to my side. They made me laugh which seemed okay to them, but it wasn't to me. Because there I sat with a tear-streaked face while laughing. I looked ridiculous, I'm sure. And all I wanted was to sit in my sadness for a few minutes. I wanted them to sit there in silence with me or hold my hand like Hannah did. I know that as the "comforter" it seems okay to make jokes when somebody is sad, because it's uncomfortable and often times we aren't sure what to say. But also as a depressed person, I know that it's awkward when the jokes are made, because it's not truly what you need. Remember, sometimes silence is the best therapy and comfort comes from love and understanding. (Understanding can also be hard when the comforter doesn't know much about depression...but that's a whole other post I'll make for a different day).

But to finish up this post, remember that it's okay to cry. And I know that sometimes you get tired of it, but I promise you it's so much better than holding it in. Crying is not weakness. In fact, I see it as the total opposite. I view it as strength. Because despite your circumstances, you're still alive. You might be struggling, but you're gonna make it out alright. Also remember that God loves you! He catches your tears when they fall and hears the crying in your heart.

And if you want to think of something to look forward to, remember that those tears of sadness will be turned to joy in eternity! He has saved you, He has a plan for you, and someday, you will emerge from your sea of tears, and be glorious through Christ.

Always here for each and everyone of you,
Marissa Mayer

"He will wipe away every tear from their eyes, and death shall be no more, neither shall there be mourning, nor crying, nor pain anymore, for the former things have passed away." -Revelation 21:4

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