Wednesday, November 25, 2015

Thankful

This week I only had 2 and a half days of school which was pretty great. It will be nice to relax and get away from school (and rest my sore muscles a bit). I did some thinking today about this time of year- Thanksgiving and what it means. I'd love to say that I'm incredibly thankful all the time.

But I can't write this post without being completely honest.

I thought about this past year and everything that's happened. I wonder if I could have changed things. Made the outcome better than it was. What if I hadn't discovered the message that would change our family forever? Would I be happier? Would we all still be living under the same roof? The "what if's" killed me.

Not going to lie, I got off track for a day or two. But on Tuesday, my school had a really great chapel message. I went into some even deeper thought and came to this conclusion.

God has His own divine plan for our lives. Better than the one's we create for ourselves. I know that many people in today's society believe that "everything happens for a reason." And to an extent that is true. However, it should say something a little more along the lines of: "everything happens because it's a part of God's plan to further benefit His kingdom...so hold tight to His Word, pray constantly, and stay strong in your faith because He is the light at the end of this dark tunnel."

I am not directly thankful to this divorce, my depression, my suffering grades or anxiety. But in the long run, I am thankful that God is using these things to shape me into a better Christian. A stronger one. I can rejoice knowing that through the roughest times in my life, I am becoming a better witness for Him.

His ways are mysterious, but they work for our good. It can be hard to follow sometimes, but take heart and know that He is God! He will provide you with His strength and give you His peace because He loves you!

Despite our battles, we certainly have something to be thankful for. The love of Jesus Christ.

Depressed but (thankful and) blessed,
Marissa Mayer

Friday, November 20, 2015

Too Busy To Cry

Good morning! (I guess that's what I should say)...

Just quick wanted to say how excited I am about reaching 5.5k before thanksgiving! I cannot believe how far this blog has come. And it's all thanks to God...He is working in mighty ways!

I'm up pretty late because my mom moved into her apartment this week so I was up packing. I also had a lot of homework and needed to help my dad move some furniture. It's been a busy night for me and I'm just starting to get tired.

Today I was inducted into the National Honor Society so that was pretty neat. Tomorrow night is our first dance performance and I'm physically exhausted. Very sore but the good kind of sore where you can feel yourself get into shape. I hope it goes well!

Because I've been so busy, things have been going fairly well lately. This week I've decided to give my friends a little more space because maybe they all think I'm a little self-centered, and if that's how they feel then I don't want to intrude. And if they don't think so, then that's great. I just wanted a little room to myself this week, and through it I've actually strengthened some other friendships.

I've taken some time for myself, to do some thinking, and it feels great. I haven't even had the chance to shed a tear pretty much all week (maybe only once or twice). And I think that's great sometimes, to occupy yourself enough so that you stay busy and don't have too much time to let your depression control you. On the flip side of that, it's also important to slow down when necessary and take little break for yourself. I hope you all are having a good week and hey! Guess what....it's almost the weekend! Also, I'll be putting up another poll soon, so keep on the lookout for that. I'm also in the process of adding more pictures to my photo album page.

As always, I love feedback and remember: I'm here to help you! Always feel free to contact me using the information on the side!

Stay strong, the weekend is almost here!
Marissa Mayer

Tuesday, November 17, 2015

Being Helpful

Good evening everyone! Hope you're all doing well...it's a little rainy and dreary here.

Just something I'd like to clarify for you right away: After my last post, somebody commented the full message I had received and started saying things I did not appreciate. I know that there was a viewer who believed everything they had just read in that comment over everything I have been writing the past 4 months. They suddenly believed that I was everything that message had made me out to be. But I'd like to be clear with you...you cannot believe everything you hear/read. Sure, there are times when I am self-centered. Everyone has that sometimes- we are sinful beings! But at the core of my being, I really believe that I am better than that. I am trying my best to fight this battle...really, I am. I still am open to listening to each and every one of you who need it and I hope you all remember that.

I have come to realize that I have some amazing people in my life. Examples include a lot of my teachers, including my band director who is basically my "life coach" and has helped me with everything from issues at home to boy problems. Also my best friend, Megan, for being my sunshine on rainy days (like today as she is sitting with me right now)! I have so many helpful people in my life and I haven't taken a lot of time to thank them. So to everyone who reads this blog, thank you for supporting me and helping me. God has certainly placed you in my life for a reason and I don't know where I would be without each and every one of you.

I also want to be as helpful as possible for all of you as you go through your own rough times. And if you have any suggestions on how I can help you, please send me a message! I'd love to hear some ideas. Also, feel free to send me any prayer requests you guys have.

Remember to be helpful to somebody today- you can make a difference!
Marissa Mayer

Sunday, November 15, 2015

Close Your Eyes

Hey everybody...I have a lot to say tonight, so here goes.

My last post triggered a very long message from somebody I thought was my friend. Here's some direct quotes from that particular message:

"See, YOU don't notice these problems because YOU'RE too busy telling every person that will listen about YOUR problems."

"YOU are not the queen of the world. YOU like to sit on your throne of self-pity and blog views while YOU wait for the rest of us to grovel at YOUR feet and give YOU all the attention."

"I can't tell the difference between the Marissa who is actually suffering from depression and the Marissa who is only asking for attention."

The more I read, the more I wanted to die. I started hyperventilating; my heart ached and the knot in the back of my throat got tighter. Before I knew it I was on the ground sobbing my eyes out. I needed to escape. All I wanted was to simply "not exist." But I knew my mom had removed the pills from my house, which kind of ruined any plans I had. So I took the only other step I knew. I called my best friend. It took a few minutes before she could even understand me on the phone. I was light-headed and the words couldn't come out.

In the end, she saved me. Without Megan, I'm not sure I would have made the night on my own. If she hadn't answered I was pretty much ready to go to the mental hospital because I'm tired. Tired of people taking my words and twisting them around, and making claims about me that aren't even true. I don't believe that I'm self-centered. And the purpose of my blog isn't even for sympathy- it's to show all of you that there is somebody out there who feels like you do. And to show you that you are still blessed despite your trials. I pray that God continues to give me the strength to move forward and learn more from this.

On a brighter note, I got an email from one of my viewers. Actual positive feedback! It definitely brought my spirits up and made me feel better. They told me that they really like reading my blog because it's relatable and that they're praying for me. I'm still super excited it about it!

And on another good note, I've had a very good weekend so far. I had off of school on Thursday and Friday, so my dad, brother and I went to the Wisconsin Dells and I actually got to see some friends there. God showed me, once again, just how lucky I am to have these people in my life. I don't need friends who question my depression, or the purpose of my blog all the time. I need friends who will approach me appropriately and support me in everything I do (unless it's against my faith of course).

To bring this to a good ending, just take time to close your eyes. When you feel the devil attack you with depression/anxiety, close your eyes and tell him to back down! You're a child of Christ who does not need to fight Satan, because Jesus has done that all for you! When you feel unloved or alone remember that you are surrounded in His love. Don't let anyone drag you down. You are capable of being strong- strong in Christ. And when you feel blessed beyond belief, close your eyes. Thank God for those people or things that make your life so much better.

I hope you all have a wonderful rest of your weekend! Be sure to check out the "About Me" page that you requested! (top of page)

I also added in my "Psalms Project" page. Just something I'm working on...reading through the whole book and finding good verses for bad days...feel free to check it out and as always, I love your feedback!

Created in Christ. Loved by Christ. Fighting in Christ,
Marissa Mayer

Tuesday, November 10, 2015

Mostly Just Me

Happy Tuesday everyone! I'm so happy to announce that Depressed But Blessed reached 5k views last night! Thank you all so very much for your support. I can only pray that I'm helping each of you see blessings in your own battles as I discover my own.

Okay. I need to be brutally honest. I don't feel like I fit in with my friends. I know I said it in my last post, but it's really killing me. I was sitting down for chapel today and there it was, that urge to cry. The rush of pain. My friends all talk and laugh; I just sit on the sidelines. I know that if I told them, they'd deny it and just become clingy until it was no longer convenient for them. I tried doing so once. And here I am again...back at square one. I have no clue what is going on in my friend group like 90% of the time. They all share secrets and I barely knew about my friend's "crush" until he asked her out today. Apparently it's been going on for awhile now. Sometimes they'll be talking and I'll ask what's going on, and I just get the "oh it's nothing" or "I can't tell you." I just want to know when I suddenly became a stranger to these people I call my friends.

I know they're going to read this. Maybe...some of them. But at this point, I don't care. I'm frustrated. My mom has always told me to be myself, because that's what people love the most. But, my depression has unfortunately become a huge part of me. It feels the need to change my feelings from one minute to the next. And as much as I'd like to say that I can survive on my own, I can't. I need people my age to support me. To reassure me that things will be okay when I don't think they will be. And I don't feel like I'm getting that.

Sure, I have my best friend. But it's a million times harder when we go to different schools. Mostly because I need the support when I'm at school. When I'm struggling with a class or just need a positive sign of encouragement.

Maybe you're reading this and thinking that I sound incredibly needy. And for awhile, I thought maybe that's what I was. But looking back, I realize that it's important to have social support. Mostly because of my depression and anxiety. And unfortunately, those things only make it harder for me to keep good relationships. Because who wants to deal with the emotionally unstable girl? Who wants to be friends with somebody who is always sad?

But you know what? I do. I want to be that friend. I want to be a friend to somebody who struggles like me. The door is open. I am here for you. I know it's rough to go through the day and feel like you have nobody. I do it every single day lately. And I know that I might live on the opposite side of the world from you. But I promise each and every one of you who views my blog, that I am willing to be your support. I would love nothing more than to take my mind off my own struggles and help you through yours. It's the complete purpose of this blog.

So tomorrow, when you failed a quiz or your friends "push you out of the circle," remember this: Marissa, the girl who might just feel a lot like you, is here for you. I'm only a message away. You can contact me on the right hand side of the screen under "Contact Me!" Otherwise, my contact info is listed below. 

Also remember that not only am I here for you...but God. He's always a reliable friend. After all, He sent His Son to die for you! Jesus knows what it's like to be rejected. To be left out, laughed at, and ignored. But He has created you, His beautiful child, that you might someday be with Him in His heavenly kingdom.

Other announcements:

It has been voted that you guys want a little post about myself. I will try and put that on my to do list. I have some updating to do on the blog as far as format goes, so it might end up being it's own page on here.

I'd love to hear from you. Tell me your story- I love to read! Email me a little something about yourself...tell me about the battles your facing and the ones you've overcome.

As always, share my blog! I'd love some more viewers. My goal is 7k by the end of the year. Let's make it happen! Super thrilled about spreading the love of Christ to all those who need it!

Always in my prayers,
Marissa Mayer

Friday, November 6, 2015

End of A Stressful Week

Good afternoon everyone! Happy Friday! Hope you all had a good week, and that you'll have an even better weekend.

This week has been incredibly long and hard for me. I struggled. Got a few bad grades, lost motivation, and of course am running on caffeine and adrenaline. (It's fall drama this weekend so I've been spending 12-15 hours at school a day).

Anyways, my best friend and I recently got into a fight. I feel as though she has put our friendship on "the back burner" and puts her other friends and boyfriend before me. We've known each other for 5 years now and it hurts to see our friendship fall apart a little bit. I've confronted her two times now, and we can never come to a solution. I spend a lot of my day worrying about losing her and wishing that she could see where I'm coming from. Not only that, but she has a friend who is standing up for her and justifying my best friend's actions.

To add to that, my friends at school haven't been the best either. I constantly feel left out, or alone. Sometimes, I feel like my depression likes to push me onto the sidelines and selfishly claim me as it's prisoner. It keeps me from having fun and sharing laughs with everyone else. I always find myself close to crying and constantly frustrated. I have been irritable lately and I truly don't mean to be that way.

I also was questioned and confronted again by the same person who told me I was selfish and that my blog doesn't really help anyone. He likes to take words out of my mouth, and misquote me.

Overall, I'm tired of people saying things before they thoroughly think them through. I'm sensitive, and words tend to hurt me. I'm not saying that people need to completely adjust to my feelings, but they should be a little more cautious as I try to learn how to handle them better (if that makes any sense...it's been a long week).

But beyond all of the "messy stuff," tonight is our first fall drama performance. I'm super excited, and of course, nervous.

Hope you all have an amazing weekend! Don't forget to vote on the side of the page!

God will provide you with His peace,
Marissa Mayer

Wednesday, November 4, 2015

No Sleep

Good evening everyone! So it's fall drama week and needless to say, I'm at school more than I am at home. Thankfully, homework loads haven't been too bad. However, I had to make up all the stuff I missed last Thursday and Friday because of "leadership camp." I'm also super behind on sleep and it's really taking a toll on my emotions. So here's just a window into how I've been feeling lately...

I snap quickly. The littlest things make me upset. My mom said something that I didn't like? Snap. My brother wants to talk to me, but I'm tired? Snap. I have a rough quiz grade? A bad hair day? A disagreement with a friend? Snap, snap, SNAP! (I thank everyone for putting up with me lately- especially my mom!)

I go through extreme "highs" and then minutes later, I crash. Example...I was in gym class yesterday and started getting really hyper and excited with my friends. I found everything funny and then within five minutes I was drained. Completely emotionless. I was embarrassed- people must think I'm completely crazy!- and I realized that this had to be the worst form of an anxiety attack. I came to the conclusion that some stress had piled up and it resulted in an emotional roller coaster then went from 100 down to 0 real quick.

Thankfully, I haven't cried as much lately. Well this morning was rough...I locked my keys in my car and I took a bad Pre-Calc test. Other than that, I've been almost tear-free (probably just because I don't have time to cry lately!)

Anyways, I'm extremely exhausted..."sleep" has been replaced by "caffeine" in my dictionary and even then, it isn't enough. But this morning on my way to school, as tired as I was, I realized how beautiful this crazy life can be. One day, my teenage years will come to an end. The fun times of doing fall drama with my peers- over. Laughing, eating, and living at school will all be over. And then I will come to the conclusion that I took these years for granted.

So, what I'm trying to say is, appreciate what seem to be "the worst parts of high school." And to be stereotypical...appreciate the little things. Examples...blaring your radio on your way home and not being afraid to sing as loud as you can. Drinking a good cup of coffee. Getting a somewhat decent grade on a quiz or test.

Sleep or no sleep, God keeps life busy and crazy, but beautifully interesting.

Much love from a very tired, but blessed child of God,
Marissa Mayer

Announcements:
1) Make sure you take the poll on the right hand side of the page. For those of you using a mobile device, you can scroll the the bottom of the page and click "web version" so that you can vote too!

2) Almost 5k views! New goal: 5.5k by Thanksgiving...continue to share!

3) I changed my Instagram username...
https://instagram.com/marissaa_mayer

4) Continue to give me any feedback...is there a topic you'd like me to post about? Let me know by filling out the "Contact Me!" on the right hand side of the page