Tuesday, December 20, 2016

All About Who?

Happy Tuesday all! Apologies for the late post, it's finals week for me, so I've been studying and keeping fairly busy.

So I recently had some things I just had on my mind and I wanted to share with you. I was reading a book about American Christianity (general view of Christianity today) and how it compares to the LCMS church in particular. Even if you aren't of this denomination, I think you might find this post interesting...

I've read countless things about people and their "decisions for Christ" and I have a big news flash for you...you didn't choose Christ.

You might be thinking, "Sure I did! I decided to become a believer!" 

Nope. Let me explain why.

It has been made extremely evident throughout Scripture that we are sinners, dead in our trespasses, and unable to do anything on our own (Ephesians 2:1, Colossions 2:13). The phrase "Choose Christ" is simply silly, because it implies that we, as sinners, did the right thing all on our own. That's like putting the choice of salvation in our own hands...no no no. The old Adam in us keeps us in the darkness of sin, and not able to save ourselves. We needed a Savior. The Savior that would later be born to us in a manger. 

I think it's very important to remember, especially during the Christmas season. Christ did not come to earth because we asked Him to, He came because God promised us He would send us His Son to save us! It was prophesied in the Old Testament on numerous occasions and so we get to rejoice that the Word was made flesh (John 1:14) in order to fulfill the Law perfectly when we could not (Matthew 5:17).

Now you're probably wondering, okay well then where does my participation come in? Wouldn't your stance argue that everyone is saved? 

Nope. Not that either. Our faith comes to us through the Word. The Holy Spirit instills faith in us. That wasn't a choice, it was rather a gift. Those who are not believers simply reject this gift. There is no "choosing" to take the gift, it's already yours! You can only turn it away (Ephesians 1:13-14 and 2:8-9).

There is no "me" in Christianity, but there is CHRIST, and that's who this faith is all about!

I hope you all have a wonderful Christmas season remembering the birth of our Lord and Savior! Prayers for you and your families during this time of year. God is so good.

When I am hurting, I look to the cross and see that Christ has already come to me. He has promised me an everlasting love and comfort despite anything I do.

Blessings upon blessings,
Marissa Mayer
Source: Has American Christianity Failed? (Bryan Wolfmueller)

Tuesday, December 13, 2016

Letting Go, For Me

Good afternoon! Sorry this post is yet again, a day late. Had my Christmas concert last night so I was up late and unable to write. As always, I pray that you're all doing well.

Let me preface this post by saying, if you aren't happy in your current daily life, you should definitely do anything and everything you can to help yourself. You come first.

I think that all of you can relate to a time when you were overwhelmed and wanted life to slow down and just get a little easier. Well, recently, that was me. I'm caught up in my school work, my job, music, and dance team. It's too much to handle right now.

Every morning, I wake up dreading the day that lies ahead of me. My body aches from the moment my eyes open and I can almost feel my depression groaning as I drag myself out of bed. No, this isn't simply a sleep deprived teenager. This is mental illness with just one of its finest side effects. 

I'd have to be at school early for various music groups and there'd be days I would have to stay late for dance practice and then performances. I missed the simplicity of going home and enjoying time with my mom or having an adequate amount of time for homework and just relaxation. I became agitated with my somewhat chaotic schedule. Something had to change.

I'm not on medications because my parents don't want me to be, therefore, overcoming my daily battle with depression is something I have to figure out on my own (even with medication, I'm sure I'd still feel the need to make adjustments).

After a lot of prayer and consideration, I knew it was time to move on and make some sacrifices for my own mental health. I needed to quit dance...and I did.

I contemplated writing about this because I know that I have a wide variety of viewers from the community, and I also thought that this was still premature and perhaps I had done the wrong thing. However, after today, I feel a new sense of freedom and a load of stress lifted off my shoulders.

Don't get me wrong, I'm not saying this will be easy. It's going to suck watching the girls perform without me. I sincerely loved performing and am incredibly grateful for my time as a dancer, but it feels good when I remind myself that I finally did something for me. I made a sacrifice of doing something I love to make me feel better and I can't wait to see the benefits that come from doing so. 

I think that in today's society, teenagers especially, feel pressured a lot to be involved in everything and are just overall stressed out. And I guess the purpose of this post is to tell you all that it's okay to give up things that you need to. The same goes for unhealthy relationships, jobs, hard classes, etc. To those on the outside, it might seem selfish, but in the long run, your mental health is top priority. It's during those times of "letting go" that it's also important to be in God's Word and attending church so that you can hear the promise of His comfort and be reminded that He will provide for your needs.

Sometimes, letting go means becoming free,
Marissa Mayer



Tuesday, December 6, 2016

12.6.16

Happy (and late) Depressed But Blessed Tuesday! I saw that my views went up yesterday, I'm sure you were all expecting something...sorry! I planned on writing before I went to bed, but an exhausted Marissa caught up with me :)

Anyways, just an update for today.

I've been feeling a little weird lately. The highs are high and the lows are definitely low. I can be on top of the world for a minute but stuck in a pit the next. Let me tell you, it's more than exhausting. I'm also experiencing a mix of stress between school and work. I'm either having terrible anxiety or I'm super calm and ignorant about it all. Depends on the day I guess.

Dance is stressing me out more than I really want to admit. I had a rough day last week and going to practice definitely did not help that. Not only did I feel bad, but I was noticed by the team and my coaches. Honestly, it wasn't in my intentions to bring the team down, but that's the vibe I got. I felt guilty even though I hadn't said anything negative, I had just remained quiet. I think a lot of people like to thrive on my positivity when it's around, and I just can't do it all the time. But I promise I'm trying my best. 

There's also a lot of days that go by when I wonder if this blogging thing is really for me or for how long I will continue to write. I have my doubts but I also have a little confidence in what I'm doing. 

On a more positive note, I officially became an LCMS member this weekend and was able to commune next to two of my sisters in Christ (along with all the saints of course). It feels really good because for a lot of my life, I have questioned my belonging. I didn't always feel like I belonged in my family, or at my school, or at my job. But now I have a church family in the body of Christ, and I'd be lying if I said it didn't feel absolutely beautiful to be a part of that. It's comforting to know that God has spoken to me loud and clear, and now I'm exactly where He wanted me to be.

Beyond all the abnormalities and craziness in my life recently, I'm also getting pretty excited for Christmas. I'm praying that the holiday season is more joyous for me than difficult this year. Praying for all of you too, of course.

It's gonna be a busy few weeks ahead of me. So much to do, and I'm glad I can rest in God's Word when I need some reassurance.

Keep your chins up my loves, we're in this together,
Marissa Mayer

"The Lord himself goes before you and will be with you; he will never leave you nor forsake you. Do not be afraid; do not be discouraged." -Deuteronomy 31:8

Wednesday, November 30, 2016

More Than Melancholy

Sorry it's late. Didn't have much for content yesterday, but today I feel like actual crap and the only thing I want to do right now is write about it.

My day began by dragging myself out of bed at 5 AM to go to a 6 AM practice for dance. Still exhausted, I put forth a somewhat positive attitude until about a half hour when I crashed. I didn't want to be there. My body didn't want to function. I had zero focus and little motivation. As the school day crept closer, I felt the intense need to go home, crawl back in bed, and sleep the day away.

The rest of my day was yet another roller coaster of ups and downs and everything in between. At the end of the day, it was down, and I can't even tell you how badly I want to get off this terrifying ride.

I hold back tears all day, I tell myself to "grow up" and just "get over it". I'm trying my best, but every day I look in the mirror and I hate what I see. I'm tired of seeing an emotional train wreck looking back at me. I don't like how worn down she looks. I hate the word negativity, but I see a big cloud of it surrounding me and contrary to Joyce Meyer's beliefs, it isn't that easy to "choose positivity" when your brain is chemically unbalanced. Depression is not a choice.

Some days I wonder just how long I'm gonna survive like this. Because, in all honesty, I've been on this earth for 17 years, feeling symptoms of depression for almost 6 of those years, and it just gets a little harder each day to believe that things will get better.  I count down the days until I am able to start medications and start the journey of finding a sense of balance.

I'm exhausted. What more can I say? The hot tears that roll down my face burn out of anger. I'm frustrated. I never know where to turn. I know the right answer is God's Word, but it seems so hard. The voice in my head always yells: "I didn't sign up for this, God!" And I'm mad because I'm doubting Him and I know I shouldn't.

This morning I had to remind myself to breathe. Most people know how to do that on their own without a second thought. Me? My head is like a never ending storm, tossing directions to my body left and right, telling it what it needs to do to live. In the meantime, the darkness shoves me deeper into a depression by shoving thoughts into my head that I don't even know how to articulate to you.

Getting out of bed is a chore that I dread. The weather makes me upset easily. I'm always overtired but anxiety keeps me awake. I run on coffee and music to get me through the day. I wish God didn't feel a million miles away sometimes. I sit on my bed, hug my knees to my chest, close my eyes that are brimming with tears, and rock back and forth, wishing the pain away.

I'm irritable. Angry. Sad. Frustrated. Self-hating. Stressed. I don't like looking to people for help because I feel like a burden. I don't want to live. I don't want to die. I'm just stuck surviving and it's exhausting.

I guess that's all really. Not sure where to go from here,
Marissa Mayer

Tuesday, November 22, 2016

11.21.16

Happy Monday (now Tuesday) to all of my wonderful viewers!

Written on 11.21.16:

Alright, so my day after the beginning of this post got exceedingly better. I learned a lot in my music theory class which really makes me more excited about majoring in K-12 Instrumental Music Education. Unfortunately, band wasn't that great, but I was surprised to see one of my college friends. It's been a while since I've seen him and it really made my day to see him again. English wasn't that great though- I was reminded of a project that I need to do with a group (on a side note, I have a strong hate for group projects because while they do teach you to work with others, coordinating time to do those projects while also being a busy teenager with sports, work...etc., is virtually impossible. Big s/o to Mr. Jurss for never assigning those. And on a side-side note, he might or might not have told me to include that last part).

On a better note (whole of "notes" today, sorry...), I simplified my second semester schedule by dropping my A.P. U.S. History class and changing to Economics. This will allow me to join choir, which is so much more beneficial to my major. Dance team is going okay too, I'm really seeing some positive gains in muscle growth and everything, which is really nice.

I also had the chance to spend some time with the friend I had gotten into that argument with. People seemed irritated that we worked things out because I had claimed to be "done" with the friendship. But is that really feasible? No. To clarify, I needed space to evaluate, reconsider, and most importantly, pray. My friend, best friend to be exact, has been a part of my life for 6 years. While I was angry/upset/emotional, it felt like I could walk away for good, but now I've learned that you don't give up on people you love (credit to Grey's Anatomy for that quote). We fought over silly things, but I prayed endlessly, and I believe that if God truly didn't want her in my life anymore, He wouldn't have brought us back together. The answer couldn't have been more clear- apologies made and accepted. Now, we move on.

I'm feeling good. I've been having trouble sleeping and getting out of bed in the morning, which is odd, but other than being exhausted, I've been enjoying life. Perhaps I'm just excited for Thanksgiving!

Really curious to know how all of you have been doing, so feel free to contact me through my email: marissa.mayer17@gmail.com or you can message me through the Depressed But Blessed Facebook page. As always, you can follow me on social media for more insight into my daily life.

I hope you all have a blessed Thanksgiving! I'm thankful for each and every one of you- for your continuous prayers, support, and love.

In His eternal love,
Marissa Mayer


Tuesday, November 15, 2016

Moods and Moons

Happy Tuesday! Sorry this is a day late...but I've got a lot to say, so let's see if I can formulate some of these past few days into words.

Okay, I don't know about all of you but for some reason, I dread Sunday afternoons. I always lose motivation to do the rest of my homework (or start it, but shh), and I'm sure I'm subconsciously upset that my weekend has come to an end. This past Sunday was no different. Shortly after receiving God's Word at worship, I became irritable, and laid on my bed for two hours. Not moving, just scrolling aimlessly through social media feeds. I had gotten into an argument with a friend and I knew that the best thing for myself was to walk away, take some space for awhile, and do what is best for me. At the time, however it didn't feel too good.

Upset, I knew that my depression was coming back. I ended up lashing out at my mom and spending most of the day crying in my room trying to take my mind off of whatever it seemed to be on. I felt terrible for acting the way I had and apologized to my mom. But the feeling inside didn't go away. I was excited to go back to school on Monday, just to be surrounded with my support system of people.

It'd be nice if I told you that Monday was great and I had a fabulous day. Well, it seems that would be too good to be true. I was fine for a few hours, but then it hit me like a semi-truck. The demons flew back and took their place in my mind, convincing me that I was terribly distraught by anything and everything in my life. I went to the bathroom, looked in the mirror, and immediately hated what I saw. In the mirror stood an over-emotional teenage girl who couldn't even control herself at school.

"Why must you do this to yourself?" I asked myself inside.
"You need to grow up and understand that you're better off dead..." 
"Look at how pathetic you are..."
"If only you weren't so scared to die and leave everything behind..."

Anxious, I walked around my school, trying to decide what to do. Before I knew it, I was in a teacher's classroom sobbing.

Now, let me tell you, there's nothing more embarrassing than crying to a teacher. Guess who's done it on multiple occasions? Me. Not really any of my proudest moments, but I mean, I guess it's a good sign that I can still acknowledge when I need help.

Thankfully, my teacher helped me through it and was of great help to me. I went to my next class with dry eyes and a heavy heart. One of my good friends tried her hardest to cheer me up by reminding me of God's promises and for some reason, it just felt so hard to believe in the moment. The darkness blocked out any hope I was trying so hard to see. Deep down I tried fighting them off until I became somewhat mentally exhausted.

Unfortunately, the feeling still simmered inside of me and I ended up going home. I went to see my little cousin Emma, who was quick to jump into my arms and wrap her legs around me. She didn't let go for a few minutes and nothing could have made me feel better. I got myself ice cream later, and went on with my day. Later, I realized it was a full moon around that time, and this could have had an effect on how terrible I felt. That, or seasonal depression making it's way back. But like I've been told, each day is a new day, and you just have to tell yourself it's gonna be a good one...and that leads me to this morning...

I hoped the next morning (today) would be better. When I woke up, I struggled to leave my bed. So I took a deep breath and said, "You're going to school, you're going to fight, and you're going to remember that Jesus endured this all for you." As it's now nearing 10 o'clock at night, I can't say I remember much about my day. School was adequate, and dance team was somewhat frustrating on a personal level. However, I held myself together decently, took hugs from those who offered, and kept myself busy enough to keep myself from thinking about anything other than school, music, or dance.

I also took St. John's wort supplements throughout the day to try and boost my mood. It's essentially an herbal pill that you take three times a day with food. If it's something you're interested in, I've read it's placebo for some people, but genuinely works for others. If you're taking any other medications, you might want to talk to a doctor first. 

I don't know...I guess this was a long post, but if you are somebody that encountered me yesterday and simply smiled, said hi, or gave me a hug, know that it is so greatly appreciated, and I cannot thank you enough for your gestures, prayers, and support.

Life's just a little crazy sometimes, but I'll make it out alright,
Marissa Mayer

Tuesday, November 8, 2016

11.8.16

Hey guys! Sorry this is a day late...

Don't have a lot to say really, but I fortunately I've been feeling really good. Last night I had the opportunity to go out to a classy dinner with friends and we had a lot of good laughs and deep talks. The whole night really reminded me of my blessings and it felt great to relax with fellow sisters in Christ.

I also started dance team again this week so I'm really focusing on getting back in shape. It's nice to be off of work for awhile and occupy my time with something else.

I've got a lot of tests/projects coming up, so I'm sorry for any inactivity on social media. I appreciate your support and endless prayers. If I have some content later this week, I'll be sure to share it with you all. Keep checking Twitter and Facebook for other updates.

Here's to a good week,
Marissa Mayer

Wednesday, November 2, 2016

11.2.16

Hey guys,

I know it's a Wednesday and I usually write on Mondays, but I just thought I'd let you know that Tuesday was a bit of a challenge. Thankfully, I woke up ready to go this morning and had a great day. It might have helped that I got some extra sleep last night too. The highs have been high and the lows have been low, but I'm thankful for it all. 

I'm slightly stressed, but not too worried because I know I'll get through it. On a more positive note, I received a scholarship from the college I'm planning to attend and I couldn't be more excited. Each day I am re-convinced that music is what I want to do, and I cannot wait to see God's plan in action.

Thank you so much for some of your recent feedback...I can't thank you enough. I hope you're all having a good week, and if not, let me know if you need some words of encouragement- I'll be praying!

Feeling good,
Marissa Mayer
XO

Monday, October 31, 2016

Dominating Depression (At Least for Today)

Happy Monday all! So the past day or two have been really great for me and I'm excited to tell you all about it (as I was editing, I realized that I truly included all details of my day, so bear with me).

My weekend started off pretty crappy when I left school on Friday with a fever. The afternoon had been filled with an ongoing anxiety attack, then followed by the wonderful symptoms of a fever. The chills, aching muscles, and swollen lymph nodes were more than enough to keep me from working that night. Unfortunately, I knew it wouldn't be good to call in on Saturday, so I offered to come in and try my best. With some ibuprofen and lots of hydrating, I made it through my eight hour shift fairly well.

On Sunday, I had the opportunity to worship with the band and choir at our local Reformation Rally. Let me tell you, nothing sounds better than an auditorium full of Christians singing A Mighty Fortress. It's moments like those where I can't help but feel wonderfully overwhelmed by the power of the Christian Church. We performed (the band) decently, however, the experience in and of itself was more than fulfilling.

For the rest of the afternoon, I hung out with a friend and had some good laughs. Most importantly, I accomplished a ton of stuff last night. I chose sources for an English presentation, completed a college application, adjusted an essay, sent out some emails regarding letters of recommendation, and studied for my A.P. U.S. History test. As you can tell, I'm pretty proud considering I never study, and when I do, it doesn't help (if you're wondering why, it's because of endless distractions...hopefully this fixes itself in the college atmosphere).

Today continued to push forward in a positive direction. I came to school with a good attitude (well, maybe A.P. Calculus was a little challenging), but I continued to press on and let nothing get in my way. I knew I had an Anatomy & Physiology quiz later (which I didn't study for), but I didn't let it worry me. In my Theology class we talked about the wonderful use of prayer and why we continue to pray despite God's all knowing personality.

I was well challenged in Music Theory and was able to practice a beautiful section of music during band. Days like today really reassure me that music education is what I have a passion to do. After lunch I worked on my English project and was able to do some quick reviewing before my Anatomy & Physiology quiz. After grading our peers quizzes, I got mine back and saw that I had gotten 100% (what a pleasant surprise).

I also had some time before A.P. U.S. History, so I reviewed my essay outline, and ran through some quizzes before taking the test. With ease I flew through the multiple choice, and by the time I got to the essay, I was quite pleased with how well I was doing. By the end of the test, I could confidently say that I thought I did great. I'll be sure to let you guys know how I did :)

While this might seem like a post with bragging rights, I'd like to remind you of the earlier Marissa. The one who refused to study, who had little motivation, and could barely come to class. Well, today I dominated my school stuff. I have the night off of work (so I can catch up on my Calculus...yay) and today was just one of those days where I'm proud of where I'm currently standing.

My mind has been filled with positive thoughts and notes of self-encouragement. While there's been a few negative things poking at me, I refuse to let them get in my way. I feel like I have a great sense of strength and self-love today, and that's something I haven't seen in forever.

While I can't promise the rest of the day (or week), will go as well, I'll keep praying that I am able to persevere through anything that comes my way. Honestly, I'm feeling really good today, and I hope that this finds you all feeling the same. If not, feel free to contact me as I'd be more than happy to send you some encouragement.

So much love. All around. Prayers

I'm on top of the world,
Marissa Mayer

P.S. As I finished writing this post, my Calc teacher approached me and showed me my Calc quiz that I GOT 100% ON! So I guess today just got even a little better :) 

Monday, October 24, 2016

10.24.16

Happy Depressed But Blessed Monday!

Unfortunately I can't really write much today...it's the night of the fall concert and so I'm pretty busy, somewhat anxious, but mostly excited to praise the Lord with the music department here at school.

I've been doing pretty well lately, school has been decent. I had the opportunity to worship with the symphonic band this weekend and that was extremely refreshing. I'm still somewhat frustrated with my job, as I feel like I need a break for awhile. Kinda just need some time for myself, but I also need the money, so I'm stuck in a rough spot.

Hope you're all doing great...wish I had more time to write. Keeping you in my prayers now and always.

Blessings on your week,
Marissa Mayer

Monday, October 17, 2016

The Learning Process

Happy Depressed But Blessed Monday...sorry it's late again. Wrote most of this in Calculus this morning...

I thought I wouldn't have any content for today but as I write this, it's only shortly after 8 AM and I already have a lot on my mind. I failed another Calculus quiz. I'm frustrated because I understand these concepts but I get points taken off because I use my own methods or my answer could use more detail. Well, when the quiz is only out of a few points it's easy to slip down the grading scale.

I feel dumb because everyone in this classroom is doing better than me. I'm tired of being defined by my grades and being stressed out by school. On top of it all, the weather is cloudy and my motivation is at an all time low. I leave school or come in late due to my inability to handle classes. I stay home to catch up on sleep because my depression has me feeling lethargic lately. When I have a bad day it's easier for me to leave my problems behind the doors of my school and sleep off the bad feelings (well, usually that works).

My emotions are unsteady- ready to break me when even slightly provoked. And I hate myself for that. I look at myself and think I'm stupid. I feel like I'm trapped inside a body I hate. A heart that aches and a mind that begs for endless rest. I could sleep forever and it wouldn't be enough. But procrastination and my thoughts keep me awake at night. I just need a period of time to recover and I can't because the weekends just don't cut it anymore.

I feel like I'm sick with something nobody sees- and I suppose that's mental illness itself. And I guess if we can't see it, it's easy to dismiss. I've had to make accommodations for myself even when it was uncomfortable. I forced myself to inform my teachers and work with them to decide what would work for me and what wouldn't. However, as a mental health advocate it hurts me to know that there are other students across the world who feel like I do and struggle through school because they don't want to tell teachers. And if you're reading this and that's you, I encourage you to talk to a teacher or counselor about it. Most teachers are incredibly understanding about you needing extra time for things or needing to see them outside of class if necessary. It's something I learned to do for myself, and I'm going to have to learn to do it all over again when I make my journey to college.

I suppose I've just been hurting lately because the season is changing and I'm not fully prepared. I'm being tough on myself and I really shouldn't be. That's something else I learned...my depression runs with the weather like clockwork. I've also learned that sometimes I just need to take a step back, sit in my depression for a bit (this is usually when I sleep), and then push on. Occasionally I know I need to throw myself into a group of people and engage with them, despite how uncomfortable it might make me. I also feel upset lately because of social issues. It's hard having friends when they don't always know how to handle you. And unfortunately, my best friend is off at college so I don't see him as often. But he's always there for me and helps me when I need it.

To summarize this mess of a post, I want you to know that it's important to know your depression. It's somewhat easier to overcome another round when you know exactly what you're facing. Learn all about yours. Learn what really makes it flare up, or perhaps how often it comes around. Learn what makes you feel better. Learn who is going to be there for you when you truly need it. Learn more about how God's promises can give you comfort when you need it, because He will never break them. He will never leave you, sometimes He just gives you space to grow. 

Blessings and love to all of you,
Marissa Mayer


Monday, October 10, 2016

A Frightening Freedom

Good evening all, and happy Monday! So I don't have a whole lot to say today, but I recently wrote a memoir for my English class and I thought I'd share it with you. If some of the lines sound familiar, it's probably because I pulled some of it from my blog :) Anyways, here you go:

Nobody told me that growing up would bring so much change, accompanied by pain. On some days, I wish endlessly to relive the simplicity of my childhood. Smiles, laughter and endless fun occupied sunny days, and in the eyes of a child, life was perfect. The abrupt shift in my life, from childhood to adolescence, brought brokenness, unanswered questions and a sense of self-hate. During the beginning of my battle with depression, I was determined to find my own answers by giving up, and giving in to a frightening freedom known as suicide.

At ten years old, the term “suicide” was defined for me in a shadowy grade school classroom. My classmates and I learned about bullying and how sometimes it hurt people to the point where they chose to take their own life. As naive children, it was impossible for us to fathom. Years passed, and questions stormed into my mind. Why didn’t my biological parents love me like they were supposed to? Why was my heart feeling so void? Life continued to spiral downwards as I faced bullying, pressure from my biological family, and the death of my grandmother.

As if I hadn’t been tossed around enough, the devil took a big swing at my family, and knocked me down even further. My parents’ marriage shattered at the blink of an eye and my heart burned with anger. If life was a card game, I kept getting dealt a bad hand. I begged and pleaded God to remove me from this situation. His silence frustrated me because I needed answers immediately. I decided that if God wasn’t going to help me, I was going to have to help myself.

The warm summer day rolled into a cool evening and I formed a barely breathing figure on my bed. Voices in my head continued to hiss at me and remind me how much I was hurting. My body ached from the inside and I forced myself to remember to breathe. The world was dark whether my eyes were open or not. Convinced life was no longer worth my time, I slowly limped down the stairs of my house. My leg throbbed, and I could almost feel the cold, sharp blade against my upper thigh again. I recalled a few nights before sitting in the shower, letting my tears mix with the water. I inflicted physical pain upon myself, in hopes of the emotional pain subsiding. My body, on autopilot, reached the bottom of the stairwell and I stared at the ghost in the mirror that faced me. Anxiety had worn my body down to virtually skin and bones, and utter sadness sat where my sparkling eyes once shined with happiness. I trudged slowly to the bathroom, wondering how many more minutes until my heart stopped beating.

I remembered the notebook upstairs under my bed. Its pages were stained with tears and ink that somehow spelled out handfuls of apologies for what I was about to do. Before I knew it, the bathroom door had quietly been shut by my trembling hands. I reached for the medicine cabinet and took out as many medications as I could find. I popped open the first bottle with ease and slowly poured its content into my greedy hands. An internal battle pierced my soul but I was determined to leave the pain behind. The demons that filled my mind kept drowning me with lies and I felt eager to cave. My fingers quivered as I ran them slowly over the poisonous caplets of freedom, and I counted them slowly, one by one. Deep in my heart, I knew this wasn’t what I wanted, but the abyss in my mind had convinced me otherwise. A monster, known as depression, was living inside me under the control of Satan. Tears blurred my vision and I heard a voice as clear as day, ring from the depths of my heart, “Marissa, my child, you are loved.” The voice faded and I found myself wishing it would return. Immediately, my mother entered the bathroom just in time to tear the bottle from my hands.
In the following weeks, she made me sleep in her room, all medications were removed from the house, and I wasn’t let out of anyone’s sight. I’d be lying if I said that this was my only attempt, or the end of my depression. Unfortunately, I face my own set of challenges on a daily basis. Some days, I feel so crippled I cannot perform basic functions such as doing homework, interacting with others, or taking care of myself. Days still come around when I sit on the bathroom tile just to remind myself that I can feel the cold.


While God never promised me that life was going to be easy, He did promise me that I’ll never have to face it alone. He sent me wonderful people to look after me and love me when I get tired of fighting. Most importantly He sent me His Son so that someday, in His timing, I can rest in eternal paradise. When I face the shadows of depression, I can rest assured in the fact that Christ beholds peace, comfort, forgiveness, everlasting love, and a freedom that is much better than my own.

So much love & thanks,
Marissa Mayer


Monday, September 26, 2016

Father Forever

Happy Depressed But Blessed Monday! Hope you all had a great weekend. This past week was homecoming week for me, so I was quite busy and got somewhat worried when I realized today I needed to write a post. Anyways, here goes...

I know that there are many high school seniors who feel somewhat sad at the thought of all the "lasts". I, unfortunately, do not fall into that category. As I approach all of these lasts, I am getting more and more excited to the future that lies ahead. I know that many people would tell me to appreciate these high school days as I have them, however, high school has not been the best years of my life and I'm more than ready to "leave the nest", as one might say. 

So last week, as we went through the fun homecoming activities of the week, I was rather uninterested. Perhaps it was due to the fact that I was in the process of moving, so I was busy at both home and school. I also had a ton of quizzes, tests, and essays to complete and even as it is now Monday, I feel completely drained. I ran on little sleep, lots of caffeine, and an abundance of prayer.

Midweek, I realized I hadn't seen my dad in awhile. Since the beginning of the divorce process, I have not kept the set living schedule with each parent, mostly because I'd just rather stay with my mom. However, I for some reason, missed my dad and went to go see him. It wasn't until I left when I realized that I don't talk to him very often. We exchange the occasional text messages and talk mostly of school and work when I do make the time to visit him. I feel like things just aren't the same as they used to be.

I pushed the thought aside, and it didn't hit me until the next day. I was leaving band and a sudden sadness knocked all contentment out of me. My hot tears were out of pain, jealousy, and a strong want for my old dad. The one who did fun things with me, who made time for me, and who I looked to for comfort. I felt broken and upset. I needed that father figure in my life.

Looking back on the pain I felt, I can now say that while it still hurts a little, I've come to understand that I have a father to look to. There are children all across the world that live with one parent. Without my dad always present, I see the most beautiful strength in my mom. I also look to my band director who has acted as not only a teacher and friend, but also as a dad to me. At the end of the day, it's all about God the Father. He has brought me through many trials, forgiven me of my sins, and shown me an everlasting love through His Son. He walks me out of the darkness and to the light. Even when I feel like I'm standing alone, God is not only my comfort, but has also put wonderful people in my life who will guide me in my faith and beyond.

He always provides,
Marissa Mayer
xoxo

Monday, September 19, 2016

An Assorted Post

Happy Monday to all my Depressed But Blessed viewers! I've got some thoughts/feelings I need to let out, so here's just another "assorted ideas" post.

I woke up and got ready for the day determined to fight anything that came my way. I'm not sure if it was the weather or the fact that today is pajama day (homecoming week), but unfortunately, the mindset was lost shortly after arriving to school. I kind of crashed and lacked motivation and focus for a majority of the day. Classic wave of depression.

It was one of those days that took a little strength to get out of bed and I'm somewhat fearful of the paralyzing state of depression I went through last spring. The constant crying behind my closed bedroom door- in a dark and lonely room. Just holding onto myself, praying for the storm to pass.

I'm so glad to say that the storm did pass when summer approached, but now that the dark season is rolling around again, I'm trying to prepare myself for the transition of seasons. However, I don't want to go into it by myself this time and I'm sure you don't either. So, I had this brilliant idea of getting in closer contact with my viewers. 

If you or someone you know struggles with depression/anxiety (or any other disorder) that tends to get a little chaotic in the fall/winter months, send me an email so I can start a prayer list. Even if it has nothing to do with your mental health, I'd love nothing more than to stand by your side in prayer and help you through whatever is troubling you. If you're interested you can email me at: marissa.mayer17@gmail.com or contact me on Facebook, Twitter, or Instagram. 


Stronger together, united in Christ,
Marissa Mayer


Tuesday, September 13, 2016

9.13.16

Happy Tuesday! I'm sorry I didn't post yesterday...I didn't have much time or motivation. However, the new schedule for my blogging with be on Mondays. I have a study hall at the end of the day, so a new post should be up by 3:15 (CT). If not, it should be posted by Monday evening. If something comes up and I'm unable to write, I will be sure to send out a tweet just to let you know that I'm working on it.

I suppose I don't have any real content for you, but this is just an informative post- updating you on myself. As you might have already noticed, I use the date as the title when this is the case.

This past week went quite well. I spent pretty much every day this weekend with my best friend and she kept me in a good mood. But then Sunday rolled around. For some reason, Sundays are my least favorite day of the week. I know you're probably thinking, "but that's the day you go to church!" which is true. But once I get home and the afternoon comes around, I am usually a little down. I normally blame it on the stress of the Monday to come, but this time things felt different.

I was upset with some things my mom had said to me, I had homework to do, and on top of it all, the weather was dreary. Frustrated, I left my house for some "me time".

After talking to a friend and spending some time alone, I cheered up a little. Looking back now, I can clearly see that I was being somewhat immature and just an over hormonal teenager. Thankfully, things were fixed after a quick run to Taco Bell and some Netflix (also with my best friend).

Today, I woke up and I felt the weight of depression on top of me. I stayed in bed a lot longer than I should have and it took a lot of work to get up. Usually, I rely on coffee to keep me going, but today was rough. My classes took forever to pass and nothing exciting happened. Trying to be somewhat optimistic, I'm hoping things get better because the day isn't over yet!

I hope you're all doing well...I know that with the colder season approaching things might get rough, but we're all in this together (High School Musical reference not intended).

Love and prayers,
Marissa Mayer

Want updates?
Follow me on Twitter: @_mayerssa_
and Instagram: @marii_mayy


Tuesday, September 6, 2016

Emotional Rollercoaster

Good afternoon and happy Tuesday! Hope you're all doing better than ever. Before I begin, you should probably know that this was written on Friday, so the content would be fresh, yet is being delivered to you today instead.

Today (this past Friday), my depression met me in the car. I was on my way to school and I was prepared to take on the last day of school before a 3 day weekend. Coffee in my hand, I turned on some music and squinted as I headed east towards school (because classic Marissa forgot her sunglasses...again).

I focused on the road and thought about the exciting weekend ahead of me. I made most of the green lights on my way to school and then I suddenly slowed down to a red light. It was at that exact moment that I felt it push me.

My eyes filled with tears and my heart sank. Not ready for another round, I told myself, "No, Marissa, don't let it trip you. Fight it." But the minute the thought crossed my mind, I felt my body exhale, as if to say, "but it's too hard." And that, my friends, is the problem with depression. It's a constant battle where you're unable to find the strength to fight. Thankfully, I have a Savior who fought sin, death, and the devil for me. While the devil bothers me now, he has been defeated by Christ. 

By the time I made it to school I was crying and immediately called someone I knew I could make me feel better. She prayed for me and I continued throughout my day. However, the devil wasn't done messing with me.

My emotions were on a roller coaster and it was extremely obvious not only to me, but I'm sure, to others. One minute I could be laughing and having a fine day, and the next, it was like I had been punched in the stomach and someone had tightened the knot in the back of my throat.

With anxiety along for the ride, I felt uncomfortable and socially afraid of what people were thinking about me. I thought of myself as a walking train wreck.

As it's now Tuesday, I wish I could say that things really turned around after that, but I don't think they did. On Sunday I faced another round of emotional ups and downs and let me tell you, it was incredibly frustrating, and not to mention, embarrassing.

But today was a pretty good day for me, as it was good to be diving back into the school setting and surrounded with God's Word in every classroom. While my struggle with mental health feels constant, I know that I can lift my eyes to the cross. It is then that we can find strength, forgiveness, peace, and an everlasting love.

In Christ's comfort I find stability and peace,
Marissa Mayer

Monday, August 29, 2016

When The World Shifts

Good afternoon everyone! Today I was met by a blog reader in the hallway at school and she was wondering when I would post next. Thought it was a good reminder to write today! Got some good thoughts to share...

I recently received some bad news about a loved one with cancer. When I first received the news, my heart fell to the pit of my stomach. I sobbed in my car and when I got home, I fell to my bed and prayed out loud.

I'm sure we can all relate to a time when things took a turn for the worst. For me, the most significant was my parents' divorce. As an adopted child, I had to watch another family fall apart. Earlier, I had lost my grandmother to lung cancer. Things throughout life hadn't always seemed to be going the way I wanted them.

Let's even take a step back and look at slightly less drastic circumstances. Maybe you didn't make a sports team, or failed a big test you had studied endlessly for. Perhaps you didn't get into your dream college, or your boyfriend broke his promise of "loving you forever".

It's the change of schedule, the sudden "shift" in life that messes with us, habitual beings. Despite this, where do we turn? The answer: Jesus.

While praying, I remembered this: God is good at all times...despite any circumstances. I know I say it to you a lot, and I think that's why it came to mind. Jesus is my Savior...He died on the cross for my sins, so why would He leave me now? He's brought me so far...given me the strength to continue when I didn't think I could. God is love. He is our source of comfort, and our Shepherd who will provide for us for eternally.

"For I am convinced that neither death nor life, neither angels nor demons, neither the present nor the future, nor any powers, neither height nor depth, nor anything else in all creation, will be able to separate us from the love of God that is in Christ Jesus our Lord." -Romans 8:38-39

When the world is shaken, His love holds firm,
Marissa Mayer

Wednesday, August 24, 2016

Chasing The Faith

Good evening all...so I just started back at school (senior year...say what?!) and things are gonna get busy real quick. However, I thought I'd write tonight since I've got a few ideas.

I didn't realize just how much I had pushed my faith to the side this summer until I walked back into the doors of Lutheran High. The classes began with prayers and devotions and it felt good to be surrounded with both familiar and new teachers and classmates. Being back at school with fellow believers was refreshing.

While it was easy to slip away from the daily routine of prayer this summer, I've come to the conclusion that I wanna "jump back in". I see tons of people living their lives as strong Christians, and I've never seen anybody as happy as they are. That's what I want. I want people to ask what makes me so happy, and I want to be able to firmly respond with "Jesus!"

I want to feel God work in my heart. To feel Him strengthen my faith and allow me to share that with others. I've had so many problems with keeping the right people in my life and getting rid of the wrong ones. So I'm going to keep chasing after my faith, harder than ever, and if they can keep up, then I guess those are the supportive people that will help me grow in my faith. The people that truly deserve a spot in my life. Really, I want healthy relationships with those around me. Less negativity. I don't want to slip back into the depression that usually comes with gloomier weather. I don't want to survive...I want to thrive. 

The other morning, I was incredibly anxious about my first day of school. I thought it was silly; I've been going to the same school for 3 years! However, I was restless. But for the first time in a long time, I found myself back in God's Word. All on my own. I wrote down some verses from Matthew about how we needn't worry about the future because God cares for us. It was comforting and my heart found peace.

Like I've said before, I don't always look to God when I should. But now, I'm ready. I can't wait to keep seeing these blessings, and for my faith to grow. God is good at all times.

Here's to a good school year and an even better faith,
Marissa Mayer

P.S. If you're interested in diving a little deeper in your faith, join me! I'll hopefully be tweeting some bible verses. Follow me @depressbless on Twitter! Love you all. 

Thursday, August 18, 2016

Needing A Hero

Good evening all...hope you're all doing better than ever. I truly apologize for the recent lack of activity. I've had writer's block for such a long time.

I've said it before, but I'll say it again...I really really gotta start relying more on God. 

I recently said goodbye to some old friends. My relationships with them were toxic. I was constantly hurting, but gave them endless chances and was numb to the apologies. You might be asking why I stayed friends with these people for so long anyways. I suppose that in my head, the good outweighed the bad. However, in reality, it took a lot of pain before I let go. I used to go to both of them when I wasn't feeling okay, and I can now see that I should have went to God first. Reliance can be tricky to understand, and I wasn't using it correctly.

As a 17 year old, I'm extremely independent. My depression, however, makes me quite dependent. Especially on my mom and some other close friends. It can be easy to say that I want to do it all on my own. But that isn't realistic. God has placed some amazing people in my life. We've been put into the family of Christ with the purpose to love and serve each other. And that's great...as long as we are helping in the right way. 

It's okay to admit you need help. But when you're getting the wrong kind, don't be afraid to look to God. I've learned the hard way that I can't be my own hero. And there's a lot of people who can't help me either. But that's okay, because I am saved by the Ultimate Hero. Jesus Christ. Without Him, I'd be nothing. 

The past few days, it's as if I can feel my depression lurking nearby. I wouldn't be surprised if it came around again...my handful of "good months" are coming to a close. However, I'm ready to fight. With Christ, I am ready to conquer yet another round of darkness. 

For I cannot save myself,
Marissa Mayer


Thursday, August 11, 2016

8.11.16

Hey everyone! I apologize for not posting in awhile. I'm currently on vacation in New York and I haven't had much time (or real content).

So, I've been doing really well. I hope you can all say the same! I know I've said it before, but I find myself drifting away from constant prayer and reading God's Word. While there is no excuse, I blame it on the constant rush that happens to be my life. It can be so simple to lose sight of your faith when things are going right.

Thankfully, I start school again soon and I think it will be good to get back into an environment where I hear God's Word constantly. Can't believe I'm a senior...time has flown by.

In other news, the blog has been receiving an immense amount of views from Russia! This past week, it actually dominated views from the United States. Crazy to see God work across the world. I'm hoping to do a vlog again soon...maybe when I get home or get some more content.

Sorry this isn't much...I'll be writing some good stuff again soon!

Love and prayers are with you always,
Marissa Mayer

Wednesday, July 27, 2016

A Blessed Year of Blogging

Hey everyone! Can't believe I've been blogging for an entire year...it's been a crazy ride. I'll never be able to thank you enough for all you've done for me. The prayers, the views, the love. It's been amazing. So, in honor of today, I made my very first vlog! 


Much much love to each and every one of you. XO
Marissa Mayer


Sunday, July 24, 2016

Survived & Revived

Good (early) morning? Sorry it's been awhile, but I've got lots on my mind and plenty to share. And as I probably mentioned in an earlier post, I recently went down to New Orleans for the LCMS National Youth Gathering. To describe my experience in simple terms: life-changing. But anyways, here I am off track already...so let's go!

If we look back on last summer, most of you can recall that I was stuck in a deep pit of depression. The worst I probably have ever been. Most days I found myself wanting to die. Life lost most of it's value in my eyes. The world was devoid of color and purpose. For those of you who don't have depression or don't quite understand what I mean...here's an analogy. If life was a birthday party, I was living in a funeral while everyone around me was eating cake and opening presents.

People around me were having fun summers and spending time with their families while I watched mine fall apart. If you haven't heard me say it a bajillion times already, here it is again: divorce sucks. 

I remember being warned about suicide and those kinds of things as a fairly young kid, and trying to fathom why anyone would want to kill him or herself. It seemed hard to understand, and little did I know that I would be the one making scars on my thigh and pouring pills into my hands years later.

Despite all the loss I faced, the demons that attacked me on a daily basis, God pulled me through it. Without Him, I have no doubt in my mind that I would be dead. Through each attempt, I remember the taunting voices in my head, but then a voice in my heart saying, "Marissa, my child, you are loved." I know it's something I never shared, but it's true. While the sad part of me begged for everything to end, I knew deep down I wanted to be saved from trying to kill myself. I wanted that calming voice to keep telling me that I was loved. Today, I'm here, able to tell you that I survived it all. Answered prayer.

Now back to my trip. The National Youth Gathering was...well, uplifting. I can't actually form a good sentence for you. I was spiritually revived when I saw the love of Christ among 25,000 other Christians. To witness that many people all worshiping the same God that worked miracles in my life (and in all of theirs)...it's beautiful.

Through Christ I am saved. I have survived life thus far, and now that my faith has been revived, I'm excited to see where He continues to take me.

Take me, mold me, I am Yours,
Marissa Mayer
Other announcements: 

1) 13K views by the time this is posted! Yay! THANK YOU ALL!

2) SHIRTS ARE NOW AVAILABLE HERE: https://www.customink.com/g/gec0-00an-deke

3) Continue to LIKE Depressed But Blessed on:
 Twitter (@depressbless)
And you can follow my personal Instagram (@marii_mayy)

4) Happy 1st Birthday to DBB is coming up in only a few days! With that, I'm hoping to try a vlog (video-blog post for those of you who don't know what this is)

5) And as always, thank you for the support and prayers. Keep on sharing my blog, and I'll keep on writing! Feel free to contact me (side forum or social media) with any ideas, questions, suggestions...etc. that you have! Love to hear from you!

Thursday, July 14, 2016

Do What You Want

Good evening...another late night post. Oops!

You might be thinking that the title of this post is slightly sassy. I guess I couldn't come up with a better one to tie together some stuff...hope it works! And just as a PSA: I'm leaving early Friday morning for the National Youth Gathering in New Orleans and won't be back until Wednesday night at like midnight...so I won't be writing for a little over a week probably.

Anyways, I went to my grandma's swing again the other night all by myself. Like I've said in many other posts, I actually love doing stuff by myself a lot. I call them "Marissa dates" and I know it sounds ridiculous, but it's very peaceful. I sat at the swing, read the rest of my book, and then felt compelled to pray. So I did. I asked for peace as I get ready for my trip, and that God would open my heart as I gathered with 25,000 other Christians to worship and learn more about my faith. I prayed for a lot of other personal things, and when I was done, I didn't feel ready to leave. I felt a weight removed from my shoulders.

It took me awhile to realize what happened, but I came to understand that I had just willingly placed my fears into God's hands knowing that He would handle them. I had basically told God "do what you want with me and my heart on this journey"...and it felt great to give more of my heart to Him. As I struggle with some relationships, I also feel ready to keep them or let them go, according to His will. I rest more peacefully knowing that I want His plan because it is better than mine.

After the swing, I went to Culver's all by myself and for the rest of the night I was in a great mood because I was starting to do what I wanted...and that means listening to God and following Him wherever He leads me. Life's just so much easier when you let God do what He wants. 

I hope you all have a wonderful finish to the week and make time to pray. As always, I'm praying for you and I cannot wait to come back and celebrate the one-year anniversary of DBB! God has definitely done some major work through me and in me in the past year. Thank you for sticking by my side and reading Depressed But Blessed. It means the world to me!

Lord, calm my fears and mold me into the Christian you want me to be,
Marissa Mayer

Thursday, July 7, 2016

The "Upside" of Living With Depression

Good evening everyone! I've been having some issues with writer's block lately...

For an update on myself, I guess I've been doing okay. I'm still suffering from the heartbreak, but I've been keeping busy enough to keep it to a minimum. I find my depression to be slight, it comes and goes as it pleases depending on the day. I'm currently not taking any of my herbal supplements either. I'm also getting super excited for my trip to New Orleans (from July 15th-20th). Anyways, that's the update on me! So here's tonight's read: The "Upside" of Living With Depression

Whenever we hear the word "depression" it's easy to quickly think of the terrible mental illness that plagues a huge chunk of the human race. To those of you who have read my blog before, I'm sure you have learned a lot about the scary and dark days I face. However, it is possible to put a positive light on living with this mental illness and I think these are a handful of things I have learned and have been reminded of along the way.

1. You finally understand who your friends really are...

I know I've said it before, but I've lost a lot of people throughout my journey with depression. Some people just aren't sure how to handle me, and I guess I can understand that. At the same time, I've found a lot of great people who are actually there for me when I need them. I've gained some great relationships with people and lost some toxic ones.

2. The simple blessings...

When I get stuck in a period of really rough depression, it's the little things that can really help me. Whether it's an extra long hug from my mom or getting the right cup of coffee, depression has opened my eyes to the littlest of blessings and made me more appreciative of the world I live in.

3. I can see just how strong I've become...

While I use the word "weak" to describe how I feel a lot, I know that it's temporary. I've lived for 16 years, and while I've attempted to cut it short a few times, I've somehow survived everything in my past. Wait, scratch that. I know how I survived...it's through Christ! And that leads me to number 4...

4. ...yet I can see my reliance on Christ...

It'd be silly to think I've gotten this far on my own. I got here through falling...countless times. Falling straight into my Father's arms and asking Him to pick me back up. Each time, He has carried me a little further, and then placed me back on my feet when I'm ready to walk again. Always nearby, I know I can rely on my Lord and Savior to guide me through this crazy route of life.

5. I've learned to love just a little bit bigger...

There are a lot of times when I find it hard to love myself, but somehow, I think I've learned a lot more about loving others. By living with depression, I can easily understand that the people around me are facing many different battles too! God has opened my heart more to the idea of loving because Christ first loved me. Of course, as I'm growing up, I've gotten a lot closer with my mom, who is a great example of what love looks like, as well as my little cousin, Emma. You can read more about them in: My Two Best Friends

6. I recognize stigma and want to fight it...

Stigma stands quite strong against mental illness. I didn't even know what it was until I faced quite a few of my own stigma experiences. It hinders many people from getting the help they need and one of my biggest hopes is that it can be eliminated from today's society. And that's why I'm so blessed to stand with organizations such as Project Semicolon, NAMI, MHA, and of course others who blog about mental illness. 

To summarize some of those points, and lead you to the greatest "benefit" of depression...I think it's safe to say that my faith continues to grow. Without it, I wouldn't be where I am today. I'm almost certain that I wouldn't even be alive. Each step of the way, I am reminded that prayer never ends, the blessings never end, and His love for me most definitely never ends. It's exciting to watch myself grow, and I thank all of you for helping me too, as I continue my journey as a depressed but blessed daughter of the King.

Another upside to my depression? Being a Christian blogger!
Much love, 
Marissa Mayer

Like this post? Read a similar one: The Beauty That Lies Beyond The Depression


Tuesday, June 28, 2016

Not The One

Good afternoon to all my wonderful viewers. Got some stuff on my mind today...enjoy the read!

My entire life, I've always sought to feel accepted and appreciated. I'll admit it...mostly by boys. I've had my fair share of "boyfriends" and whatnot. Last night, I experienced heartbreak yet again. I sobbed myself to sleep, woke up, threw up, and remembered the night before. 

I was quite sure that my feelings for this one were real though. We have broken up multiple times, and every time he apologizes and I take him back. It's ridiculous and I feel worse every time I do because I know it never ends well. The more I held on, the more I hurt.

We had talked about our future. I told him things I didn't tell the rest. I trusted him, cared about him, and ultimately set myself up to get hurt. Last night he chose to tell me we're done for good this time. The room spun and all I could do was cry. I'm tired of being dropped like I'm nothing. I was tired of him giving me the attention I wanted, only to end up hurting me. I had thought things would last longer this time. I was wrong. He's not the one.

I remember praying to God that I really wanted this one to stick around. That I was sure I knew what I was doing, and that he seemed to be somebody who'd stay awhile because we had been through so much. Despite the pain I feel, I know deep down that what I feel is anger. I'm angry because God gave me the answer I needed and not the one I wanted. I know I have written about this before, but it's just so relevant. 

My view of the future and of time is really so limited...finite. God's plan right now, being really honest, looks super crappy in my eyes. However, it's not. It's just impossible for my human mind to see anything past now.

Thankfully, God reminded me of my blessings this morning when my best friend came and brought me ice cream and made me laugh again. What more do I need?

Still blessed,
Marissa Mayer

Friday, June 24, 2016

Unwelcome Visitors

Happy Friday everyone! Got a weird experience to share with you...it took me awhile to get the courage to share because I'm still slightly embarrassed about it. However, it was an eye opening experience. So here goes:

On Wednesday I worked an 8 hour shift and then came home. Since fall, we've been living in a downstairs apartment. It's essentially all underground and without much light, it can be very depressing to be at home sometimes. Wednesday night, was definitely one of those.

Along with being frustrated with our living situation, there was some stuff I was irritated with that involved my friends. Assuming I was overtired, I decided to go to bed. Anger swelled in my heart, and I could feel the darkness sneak up on me. I tossed and turned, and finally found sleep. I woke up a half hour later. Now this might sound strange, but when I get frustrated and upset, I refuse to eat. I knew my body was low on food, but I didn't care. The voices in my head got louder.

You're too weak to fight it this time.
Why even try anymore?
Worthless. Sick. Your life sucks.

I knew deep down the devil was trying to get the best of me. I saw my Bible across the room, but was too paralyzed to get it. Tears soaked my pillow and the voices made my head pound. Angry, I put my pillow over my head to try and drown them out. I sobbed, "help me"...praying that the Lord would hear my cry. I fell back asleep again. A half hour later, I woke up when my brother tired to come in my room. "Go away," I cried. He left, and I heard him ask my mom what was wrong with me. I wish I knew the answer.

Finally, I dragged myself into my mom's room to sleep. I figured that if somebody else was around, the demons would leave me alone. They slowly vanished. My head ached from the entire experience, also because my body needed to eat. My mom forced me to get up and get food. So after some mac n cheese and a cup of chamomile tea, I felt better. My mood changed suddenly. I laughed at my own jokes and was suddenly not tired. I assumed that this was the "mood disorder" my counselor referenced to once or twice.

The whole thing was mortifying. When a friend asked me what was wrong, I felt ashamed of myself. Of my mental illness. He proceeded to explain that he's always there for me, and I should never feel like I can't tell him these things. I felt comforted, but still slightly upset. I'm guessing that this episode had a lot to do with the fact that I had low blood sugar. Good news is that I woke up feeling a lot better. Praying it won't happen again...at least not anytime soon.

"In all circumstances take up the shield of faith, with which you can extinguish all the flaming darts of the evil one." -Ephesians 6:16 

Thanks be to God, for kicking out the unwelcome visitors,
Marissa Mayer


Sunday, June 19, 2016

1 of 365

Today was my least favorite day of the year...Father's Day.

Social media was filled with pictures of dads and families. It hurt me a little because I haven't really had a good father figure in my life. Memories of my biological father come down to verbal abuse and feeling pressured to do my visitation with him when I didn't want to. Being forced to say I love you when I didn't mean it. When it comes to my adoptive dad, he wasn't always very present in my life. Most of my good memories with him come from my early childhood. But things became rough with the falling out of our family last spring.

I held a lot of anger towards my dad for what he did to our family. For giving up. And at times, I believe I still feel slightly irritated by it. I make a point to stay in touch with him and I know I can go back home to him whenever I like. But it will never be the same. 

We used to do cool stuff together sometimes when I was really little. Simple stuff. I can remember going to the Wisconsin Dells and making him take me down my favorite water slide countless times. Or the times when we used to play kickball in the front yard of our house. He used to read me my favorite books over and over again until we both had them memorized. One of my favorite memories was when he would tuck me in at night and lay next to me until I fell asleep (often times, he fell asleep too).

Unfortunately, he missed out on a lot later in my life when he was busy with work. Work was a priority that came before me and the rest of my family. It drove us apart. While my dad and I have a decent relationship now, it's nothing close to the ones I saw on Facebook today. And it breaks my heart often.

So today was harder than the rest. 2 dads who never set the right example. Thankfully I have a wonderful mom who often times fills the roles of both parents. And for that, I'm forever grateful. But today was just one day out of 365 and I made it through something that hit me a little hard. And guess what? I'm gonna make it through the rest of them. How? Through the love and strength of the ultimate Father. His peace will set me free.

Constantly blessed by my Heavenly Father,
Marissa Mayer

Thursday, June 16, 2016

6.16.16

Good morning!

While I don't really have much to say today, I just thought I'd take a minute to let you know that you're all on my mind and in my prayers.

And as it turns out, the bad day I had was only for the day. I woke up the next morning determined to fight it, but I really didn't have to. I put a smile on my face and had a good day.

As a follow up from my last post, I think you should all know that I tried something new. I felt really down later in the evening (probably 10 or 11 at night) and I didn't know who to talk to. I know that I have a ton of people who care about me and are always willing to listen, but as many of you probably can relate to, anxiety prevents me from doing so a lot. I had once called the suicide hotline, not because I was going to attempt, but because I thought it would be helpful to talk to someone. But, talking on the phone can also be slightly difficult for me (anxiety). So, I tried Crisis Textline. It proved to be extremely helpful. I was able to talk to somebody who knew what they were doing and they helped me come up with some ideas to make me feel better.

I strongly encourage you to try Crisis Textline next time you might need some help. I have their number (741-741) stored in my phone now. They are available 24/7 and I hope that they can be as helpful to you as they were to me. It was a neat experience, and now my goal is to be a volunteer for them when I turn 18.

And of course, I am always here for all of you. I can be contacted using the "Contact Me" forum on the right otherwise on Twitter/Instagram/Facebook...you can pretty much always get a hold of me.

Thank you for all your thoughts and prayers...I am so happy to be feeling better. I hope you all have a wonderful day, and I'll hopefully be posting again next week (I'm going camping this weekend).

Thank you God, for letting the storm pass,
Marissa Mayer 

Sunday, June 12, 2016

Never Ready

Good evening...I apologize for the lack of posts. I haven't really had much to say as far as content goes lately, but tonight hit me really hard. Hope you are all doing better than I am currently. Sorry that most of this post is fragmented into short sentences. Honestly, just pouring my thoughts out here. Most of them...are short. Simplistic. So here goes:

I woke up today and I felt the familiar urge to stay in bed. I didn't feel like moving at all. I got up, got dressed, did my makeup, and cleaned my room. The day passed slowly.

I went out to a late lunch with a friend. I laughed a lot. It seemed to convince me that I was okay. After, I went back home. And that's when I realized I wasn't. Something sat heavy on my heart and I had no idea what it was. I needed to be alone. I drove to the cemetery where my grandma is buried. There, I talked out loud. About everything that worries me. I expected to feel better when I left. I didn't. 

I tried going to my special park with the swing. I opened up a book and attempted to read. It was slightly chilly and I couldn't focus on the words that flooded the pages. After about 40 minutes of scanning pages and then taking small breaks, I walked back to my car upset with myself. Why do I feel this way?

I sat in my car with the keys in the ignition, but still. Anger shot through my heart. And that's when a scary thought came to mind: what if this is the "low part" of the vicious cycle of my depression? Looking back on the past few years, I've been able to see that it comes and goes within months. By taking a look at the calendar, it wouldn't surprise me if it was time for it to come back around.

But I'm not ready. I never am. I can't handle the thought of being in that dark, depressed state again. I'm trying my best to keep my head above water here, but it takes a lot of strength to beat another wave.

I feel like this came at me unexpected. A lot like the shootings that occurred this weekend. Nobody is ever ready to face the dark reality of sin that we live in. It's frustrating. It's heartbreaking. It's terrifying. And tonight, that's how I feel. 

I suppose we really won't know if this was just a bad day or the start of a "low" until tomorrow morning when I wake up. Praying I'll wake up with a smile.

Follow me on Twitter: @depressbless and I'll start posting uplifting verses not only to help me, but you too. Feel free to follow my personal as well: @_mayerssa_

Weeping may tarry for the night, but joy comes with the morning,
Marissa Mayer

Sunday, June 5, 2016

Seclusion: Is It Okay?

Good evening all! My sincerest apologies for not blogging in awhile...life's been keeping me busy. I pray that you've all been doing great.

Back when I was in a really bad round of depression I remember wanting to be alone ALL the time. I was constantly in my room, door shut, listening to music, and usually just laying paralyzed in my bed doing nothing but crying. Other times, it was sitting on the bathroom floor, just because the cold tile reminded me that I was alive.

For those of us with depression it's easy to want to be alone when we feel down. Even my anxiety contributes to that. Awhile ago I was out in public and there just seemed to be too many people and I wished I was at home by myself.

And is it okay to want to be alone all the time?

Answer: No. Especially when you're going through a bad spell of depression. A few weeks ago I had a bad relapse and I called the suicide hotline because I was having an attack and was afraid things could get worse. The woman on the other end told me that I should play it safe and find somebody to be with. Just so that I wasn't alone. That's how my demons feed. Off of the idea of loneliness. And I've found that if I'm in a situation where I have to be alone, I need to pray, because I'm never truly alone. 

However...sometimes being alone can be good. Let me explain.

I recently had a rough day and lately, I catch myself missing my grandma who died back in 2010 of lung cancer. So after a nap, I went to the cemetery. I sat by her tombstone and poured my heart out. Although my grandma can't hear me, it was more about letting my feelings flow. I sat there for probably a half hour as the sun set. Crying, praying, and telling the world how I felt. When I was done, I went to a park in the town I used to live in. The park has a cute swing that overlooks the pond and it was put there in my grandmas memory. Now I find myself going here 2 or 3 times a week. I sat and started to write down some ideas for my blog. I prayed some more. I appreciated the beauty of nature that surrounded me.

Like I've said in other posts, being alone and treating yourself to some peace and quiet can be very helpful. As long as you aren't constantly secluding yourself. 

So do it for you. If you're feeling super depressed and wanting to be alone a lot, stop secluding yourself so much. Do it for your health. Go hang out with other people. Call up an old friend. Open the door and explore.

And if you need a mental health pick-me-up: go on a walk by yourself. A drive. A hike. Whatever it is, pray while you do it. Trust me, you'll feel a lot better.

Seclusion can be perfect in just the right conditions.

Blessings,
Marissa Mayer

Saturday, May 28, 2016

Stigma Sucks

Good evening/early morning all! I can't sleep quite yet just because I thought it was more important to post. ALSO: Follow Depressed But Blessed on Twitter: https://twitter.com/depressbless

You might have read the title of my post and wondered...stigma? What's that?

It's defined as: "a mark of disgrace associated with a particular circumstance, quality, or person."

In other words, it's shaming something you might not know a lot about. Sort of like a stereotype. And for those of us with mental illness, I'm sure we can all testify to the fact that we face stigma...A LOT. And I firmly believe that if the world knew more about mental health, we'd be a lot more understanding of one another.

So I thought I'd give you some insight into some stigma I have personally faced, and some good explanations as to why they aren't true.

1) You just have to wake up in the morning and choose to be happy. 
First off, as somebody with depression, it's hard to even wake up some days. Many times throughout the school year, I would just lay in bed and cry because the thought of getting out of bed seemed like too great of a task and I just couldn't handle even the simplest things the day had placed before me. Secondly, happiness is not always a choice. It's a feeling. Perhaps positivity is more of a choice, but even then, there are many days when it is the harder one, and you just can't fight. Therefore, it's not as simple as you put it. Chemical imbalances are real and can be extremely frustrating. People with depression just see life differently. With a lot of gray filters. And you can see the difference quite clearly in the image below:


2) You're selfish/self-centered.
I think this was one of the worst things to hear. If we take a step back, aren't we all selfish? Are we not all the same selfish sinners? We think we can save ourselves, and that's where the problem is. Our salvation comes through Christ. Even in the ugly world of depression, it's not something you can fight alone. Jesus is the answer. He was the opposite of selfish...for me and the rest of the nasty sinful world. But I promise you that I have a big heart. Really, I do. I, myself, do not hold that terrible of a selfish nature in the personality sense. But my demons do. The ones that take hold of my life and make my head spin. They're the self-centered ones. But me? I'm just trying my best to take care of me first, and even then, I'm helping others along the way. Hence, Depressed But Blessed.

3) You take too much pride in your depression/Depressed But Blessed. 
Pride. Does that even make a lot of sense? I am not proud of the darkness that sits inside my head. I am not proud of my scars, rather ashamed. I am not proud of only myself for coming this far. You know why? Because this is not my battle alone. Christ has conquered death, the devil, and the world for me and for you! And that's something to take pride in. The fact that my God sent His Son and humbly died upon the cross. I can rejoice and be proud of the fact that I have eternal life waiting for me at the end of all my struggles. Only because Jesus tackled it all for me. 
As far as pride in my blog goes, you need to understand why I write. It's purpose is to help all of you. At first, yes, I did start it to help me get some of my feelings out. But now, it's my way of showing you that you are not alone, and that you have a God who is always by your side. I don't want any of you to feel like you have to run the race alone. Because I know that not all of you have faith in Christ like I do. And with such faith, I can only pray that maybe I can be a blessing unto you. I truly only want to help put an end to stigma against mental health, and the only way that comes is by spreading the word about what it really is. 

4) It can't be that bad. 
I'm sure we can all think of those Tumblr pictures of teenagers in settings with solemn looks on their faces, right? It probably has a sad (and maybe cheesy) quote to match. Here's a newsflash: depression is scarier than having some tears run down your cheeks as you sit in an empty parking lot. It's terrifying. It means having days where you can't even recognize yourself. You don't feel human; you go through the motions of living but yet you aren't truly living. You're just trying to survive. The demons in your head bully you and the constant internal battle nags away at you. Mental illness takes a huge toll on not only your mental/emotional health, but also your physical health. Sleeping, eating, learning, and many other things become challenges. So, I mean it when I say, I wouldn't wish depression or anxiety on my worst enemy.

 I am a firm believer that stigma can be reduced a ton if we just took time to do some simple research, or listen to others. That's why I am a proud supporter of Project Semicolon and Mental Health America. We just need to educate each other on these things and soon enough, we can all feel a little better about ourselves and others.

Take the "stigmafree pledge" here: https://www.nami.org/stigmafree

Let's make the world a little better of a place to be; 
and let's go  and be #STIGMAfree,

Marissa Mayer

Sunday, May 22, 2016

5.22.16

Good evening! Although I don't have a specific subject for tonight, I have some things I'd like to share:

1) Thank you all for your support. I know I say it quite frequently, but it is greatly appreciated. There have been days where I don't see the light at the end of the tunnel, or the benefits of this blog, but you guys tell me to keep on writing and I am constantly reminded that God is at work.

2) This reminds me...I have been getting some crazy international views. Added to the list this weeks was Turks and Caicos! How crazy. Not only that, but I got quite a bit of feedback this week from other bloggers. I also encourage you to check out: http://twoblondesnablog.com/ . The two authors, Madelyn and Maria, also struggle with depression and anxiety and since they checked out Depressed But Blessed, I said I'd shoo some of you guys their way too! It's beautiful knowing that there is a supportive community of people with very similar issues. Not only can we support each other, but it gives me the opportunity to witness!

3) So, I wore my shirt to school last week (the Depressed But Blessed one) and got tons of compliments. I've come to the decision that I'll start taking orders for shirts around the one-year birthday of DBB (is that acronym even cool to use?). So, stick around, keep reading, and I'll get you more updates as soon as late-July rolls around.

4) I'm not sure how many of my viewers use Twitter, but since DBB (yep, that's a lot simpler to type!) is on Facebook, I thought maybe I'd start a page. I'll probably do it this next weekend since I'll be out of school and all! Tweets will be encouraging notes and Bible verses for you all. I'll put up a link as soon as I start.

5) Okay, so I tried the video blog post. I recorded it on my phone and it wouldn't let me put it up here. So, my next shot is going to be using the camera on my laptop itself. Hopefully I'll try it out again soon...should be something new and exciting! Some things are just a little easier to express verbally.

6) Don't forget to like DBB on Facebook: CLICK HERE and follow me on Instagram: HERE

7) As always, I'm here if you ever need some support or just somebody to talk to! I'd love to hear from you! Feedback is always appreciated. Feel free to contact me in the forum on the right side.

Hopefully I'll be posting again later this week! Here's to my last week of junior year!

Blessings and prayers,
Marissa Mayer