Thursday, March 31, 2016

3.31.16

So, I drew this today. Just a good reminder of my support for Project Semicolon! 
Much love XO, 
Marissa Mayer


Discouraged But Faithful

Good afternoon! Hope you're all doing fabulous! Got a lot of stuff to share today...a few examples to fit the title of this post so here goes:

Let me start off with the bad news. My new job...didn't work out. I won't list any specific reasons why, but mostly I just felt uncomfortable. I left feeling disappointed because my high expectations were not met. I had walked out to my car and cried for awhile before texting my old boss (who is like a second mother to me). She told me she would pray for me and reassured me that I would find something. You're probably wondering why I left my old job, and I'm going to be honest. I thought this would be a good time for me to try something new and do some "growing" in the working world, I suppose. And while I'm being honest, I'm still not sure that was the right decision...(I'm praying for a lot of wisdom). Seeing my new job be a disappointment was very rough. I felt discouraged, but thanks to a great second mom and a boatload of prayer, I remained faithful that God is still at work. But I filled out another application last night, and I'm praying that God leads me somewhere where I can do well, or if necessary, back to where I was. 

And of course, here's an update on my experiment with my herbal pill. I've been feeling great...at least emotionally. However, I'm continuing to lose weight, I cannot eat normally, and I have headaches. It's frustrating to wake up in the morning feeling terrible. I think it's due to anxiety from all this job hunting and such...but I'm not sure. You might remember from some of my first posts, I had this issue in the summer too. It lasted for a long time, and it was a very hard time for me. I know my body needs proper nutrients but at the same time, it doesn't want to eat...so every day is a challenge. And I'm going to admit that I haven't been praying about it as much as I should be. While I cannot always eat normal food, I can always depend on God's Word to satisfy my spiritual hunger. And that's probably what I need to do a little more of.

Lastly, let's take a look at Depressed But Blessed! Back when I started this in July, I felt compelled to write because A) I'm good at writing...or so I've been told and B) As I struggle with depression, I have hope in a Savior...and that's something worth sharing!
So I started...and I looked back through some of my old posts recently. It's great to see how far I've come. But let me tell you...there were many times (and sometimes still are) in which I felt like this blog was hopeless. Something that wasn't helpful to others, and something I was wasting my time on. I had people tell me that my depression was for attention, and that I don't really care for others. That my blog was pointless and would help nobody. On top of that, I didn't get nearly as much feedback as I would like (still don't sometimes). That's why I wouldn't write for a few days or weeks at a time. I was discouraged. However, as I have mentioned in a past post, The Beauty That Lies Beyond The Depression, things changed for my blog. I gained a little fame, and support from other bloggers and even Project Semicolon. I remained faithful, and God is continuing to work great things through this blog.

So, I took a big leap of faith and made the blog a Facebook page. You can follow it here: https://www.facebook.com/depressedbutblessed/?ref=aymt_homepage_panel

To summarize this big messy post: remain faithful. These little trials are temporary in the big scheme of things. Take big leaps of faith and follow your heart...just don't forget to pray along the way! God's Word is your ultimate map and support, and it will take you to the places He wants you to be. Patience and prayer are key! 

Trying to be patient while the Artist is at work,
Marissa Mayer

Wednesday, March 30, 2016

Facebook Official!

Good evening! Just thought I'd take a minute to let you know that Depressed But Blessed is officially on Facebook! Take a second and like the page...thank you for all the support!

www.facebook.com/depressedbutblessed

Much love,
Marissa Mayer

Monday, March 28, 2016

3.28.16

Good afternoon and happy Monday!

Hope you all had a wonderful Easter weekend. Isn't it wonderful to know that our Savior is risen?

I don't have much to write about today...I start my new job in less than an hour and I'm super nervous. I woke up this morning feeling anxious. My stomach hurt and I could barely eat. I've been trying to pray and I think that once I start God will calm my anxiety.

I have some great news. I started advertising my blog a little more and I jumped in page views overnight! How amazing! I thank God for all of you who come to read my words. I truly hope that you can take something away from my blog (at least once in awhile). I am forever thankful for all your support. 

As Depressed But Blessed reaches 10k views, I'm considering starting a Twitter page for it. Perhaps daily motivational tweets? Or maybe a Facebook page...let me know what you think! Take the poll on the side or email me with any suggestions/ideas/comments...it's all greatly appreciated!

Also, I've been doing so good that I don't have much content lately...so I might start adding in a devotion once in awhile. Otherwise, if you have any topics or questions just let me know and I'd be more than happy to write for you! And as always, I'd love to hear your stories! I read a lot on Project Semicolon, and I think testimonials are very uplifting. So if you'd like to share, please fill out the "Contact Me" form on the side!

I'll probably post tomorrow and let you know how the job goes. Keep me in your prayers, and I'll keep you in mine! Much love to each and every one of you.

He is risen indeed!
Marissa Mayer

Friday, March 25, 2016

Thank God It's [Good] Friday

Here's to the best Friday of the entire year! Got lots of stuff on my mind today...

First off, an update on the "happy herb pill"...

So far, so good. I've been feeling great lately. My thoughts are not scary or dark. No more voices telling me I want to die. I'm having a fairly decent time living actually. Right now, I'm facing my window and I can hear the birds chirping and see the snow (insert heavy sigh here). I feel blessed that I found this remedy to my endless emotional pain. Although it's only been 6 days since I started, I don't see this taking any bad turns anytime soon. The only downside is the fact that my appetite is being controlled a little more...so I'm losing quite a bit of weight. Hopefully my body is just adjusting.

But now, here's the good stuff:

During most weeks, we are all excited about Fridays. It means no more work/school, only rest and relaxation coming your way for 2 whole days. I know that for myself, and like all of my classmates, Friday is essentially restless. The teachers tend to get a little irritated with our endless chatter, and it's obvious they're just as ready for the weekend as we are.

This week is different. Holy Week. Probably my favorite week of the year. Why? It's the week my Savior spent preparing for the ultimate sacrifice on the cross. I love reading through the Gospels and following His journey with each day during Holy Week. It all leads up to a horrible death on a cross, all out of love.

Why would anyone do that? We, as human beings, are nasty...full of rotten sin. We think we can save ourselves, when in reality, we are stuck in an endless pit of lies and deceit. And I certainly wouldn't sacrifice myself for somebody as sinful as me. But Christ would...because He loved us more than any of us can fathom. Honestly, trying to understand it is impossible, and that's what makes it so beautiful. We needed a Savior, and our loving God was willing to send one to the terrible human beings that we are. That's what makes the entire Holy Week beautiful.

So what about today? Good Friday. I've often thought why "good"? Shouldn't it be more than that? After all, we're talking about the gift of eternal life. But as it says in Matthew 20:28, Christ came not to be served, but to serve, and give His life as a ransom for many. I think it's "Good" Friday because Christ was a humble servant. His death wasn't "flashy"...it was horrifying. And it's through His pain and suffering that we are made holy, blameless, and seen without sin in His sight.

I believe it's important to keep the cross in mind every week. While each week holds it's own trials, it's important to remember that because we believe in the ultimate Friday, we can forever experience relaxing weekends in paradise with Christ. 


Depressed but blessed by His saving grace,
Marissa Mayer


Tuesday, March 22, 2016

The Beauty That Lies Beyond The Depression

Happy Tuesday everyone! Hope you're all having a good start to the week. This post is like 110% crazy and not organized, so good luck to all of you who are reading!

You're probably wondering about the title of this post...so here you are:

I'm 16 years old, and I believe I've struggled with a lot of things that maybe other kids my age haven't gone through. When I started this blog, I thought it was going to be a major flop. However, I've been blessed with a ton of viewers, the opportunity to be interviewed by a reporter about the stigma of my depression, and been given compliments from workers at Project Semicolon (which I just found out is based in Green Bay, Wisconsin...not too far from me!). Not to mention the support of friends and family. In the beginning, I faced a lot of trials with my blog. I was told by a few people that my blog is a waste of time, that my depression makes me selfish, and I struggled to write because I didn't want to "offend" any one or have people take my words out of context and make false assumptions about me. But I'm telling you that ends here. There are many things I want to share with you, and I don't think I need to fear being honest with you all. I have never used names for people in this blog, and I never will. I'm not calling people out, it's rather my response to the situation. 

I am bold, but shy when necessary. I have a crazy side, an overly emotional side, and a deep thinking side. I am creative, often times silly, and only want to live my life as fully as I can. My self-confidence depends on the day. I can be very hard-working and motivated when necessary. I love to smile and laugh. I enjoy making others feel better, writing, and I live for good music. 

My depression can hamper some of these things, but most of them, it cannot. I have lost a lot of people in my life in the past year. I used to blame my depression, because who wants to be friends with the depressed girl? I can understand how that could be difficult. But, besides all the negative aspects of my mental health, comes one of the positives I have found. It has allowed me to discover who my true friends are. 

I used to hurt because I felt like I'd lost friends. But really, I rarely got support from them for my depression or blog. Only in the beginning really. After a while, it's like my sidelines had a team of one friend cheering for me. I was blind to the other people around me who care about me.

Although my support group is smaller now, that doesn't mean it's weaker. I have a few best friends that mean the absolute world to me. So this post is really a shout out to them. They have loved me...every single side of me. I know I can call them when I feel like I'm going to cry myself to sleep, or when I need somebody to talk to on my way to school. They have been there for me through thick and thin, shown me that I am beautiful, and loved the wonderful me that lies beyond the depression. Because my depression does not define me, it has merely added to my learning experience. It has made me wiser and brought me to people I can no longer live without. It has shown me how precious life can be. And beyond that, it has strengthened my faith, knowing that God is most definitely real, and that He will draw me back to Him when I am weak.

Thank you all, for supporting me as I continue this battle. Your prayers and love are so greatly appreciated.

There is beauty, yes, even in this,
Marissa Mayer 

Monday, March 21, 2016

Climbing to the Top

Good evening! Just thought I'd take some time to share some good news...

I've been feeling better. Granted, it's only been like for 3 or 4 days, but I feel good. Besides a few headaches and feeling sleep deprived of course. I started taking a natural herb pill to make me feel better. It's to help increase the serotonin levels in my brain. It really helps relax me and keeps my emotions somewhat stable.

Now, I've got my fingers crossed. I'm praying that this is my solution. I want to feel better, I really do. And I think it's been hard to try because sometimes (most of the time) it's just easier to let it pass than to fight it. I'm sure many of you can agree with me that it takes a lot of strength, and it can be incredibly hard to find.

So here's to my climb to the top. I'm ready to dominate this, and reach my happiness. Whether it's temporary or permanent, I want it. I want to stand on top of my "happy mountain" and show everyone that I did it. I conquered my darkness, my fears, and let go of the pain that kept me at the base of the mountain. And hopefully, I'll be able to sit at the top of my mountain, keep my footing, and not slip down the other side.

But for my climb. I need the right equipment. I need support, God's Word, and to stay healthy (physically). Thankfully, I know I have the support of all my viewers. Thank you for sticking by my side, keeping me in your prayers, and for following my journey. It means more than you'll ever know. And I'm positive that you can all start your climb today too. If you need any help, just know that I'm here and always praying.

Lord, you have been so good to me,
Marissa Mayer
Psalm 40:1-3 reads:
I waited patiently for the LORD; he turned to me and heard my cry. He put a new song in my mouth, a hymn of praise to our God. Many will see and fear the LORD and put their trust in him. He lifted me out of the slimy pit, out of the mud and mire; he set my feet on a rock and gave me a firm place to stand. 

Wednesday, March 16, 2016

Sitting in Sadness

Good afternoon/evening...I wish I could start out on a really happy note, but right now I'm just not feeling it. Hopefully you all are feeling good today.

My least favorite days are the kind like today, where I have a fabulous day and then one small thing sets me into a darkened mood. Today I had an awesome time going around to different schools with the band and playing for grade school kids. It was a fun time to play with each other after an amazing concert last night, and definitely a good time just being around one another.

I smiled a lot. I laughed a lot. I poured my heart into playing music. And then I came home. My brother came home after a weekend at my dad's. When I walked in he was getting homework help from my mom which looked frustrating for both of them. I said hello and went to my room to isolate myself.

So here it is, 5 o'clock. I know I have homework to do, my mom came in and yelled at me about my messy room, and in the meantime, I'm trying to fight off the darkness that's eating at me. I don't even like being at home anymore because it isn't the same as it used to be. I don't like going to school because that means homework and stress. My body doesn't want to move, and it's like my depression makes most of my decisions for me. All that homework? I can't even guarantee I'm going to do it all. My messy room? It will probably take me another hour or so to drag myself off my bed and to get it done.

I've gotten to this point where I simply don't care. I find it hard to do basic things that everyone else finds, well, normal. It's a struggle to shower and sometimes to eat. So here I sit, in my room. I'm too tired to fight the tears away today. And although I don't like to sit in my own sadness, I just don't feel like doing much else either. I pray for peace, comfort, and joy in my lonely hour. I also pray for all of you out there who might feel a lot like I do today. If I can get through it, I'm sure you can too.

Waiting for yet another storm to pass,
Marissa Mayer

Tuesday, March 15, 2016

Depression: So What?

Good evening! I just got done with my band concert and I feel pretty good. I just have a few thoughts I'd like to share tonight...

I was recently told that I make way too big of a deal out of my mental illness. Which, I did some thinking about. I tried to see how this specific person could be right, and I've come to a few conclusions.

First off, let's start by thinking about how much we use our brains on the daily basis. The answer is obvious...all the time. Now take out all the school and work portion of "thinking", and ponder how often you actually just think to yourself. Have thoughts or ideas that run through your mind. Once again...all the time. Probably a lot more than you think. Now imagine if something took over your thoughts and sort of, put a dark filter on them. You can't really control it and it's (unfortunately) constant. Therefore, there are many days where I truly can't help it, and my depression becomes a huge barrier and a big deal to me.

My depression can get triggered by the smallest things. And by small, I mean extremely minuscule. All it takes is one sentence out of somebody's mouth in the wrong tone towards me, and that's it. I shrivel up and can shut down. I know a lot of people say "just ignore it" or "don't listen to them", but trust me, it isn't nearly as simple as it seems. For me, it's still a work in progress to overcome those little things that flip the switch. There are many days, like today, where that switch gets flipped and I get mad because it's over something extremely silly and small. And then people ask what's wrong, and although I can't always pinpoint it, it was usually triggered by something I'm a little embarrassed to admit I'm upset over.

Secondly, I might "make a big deal out of it" because it's scary. It's the wanting to die and fighting to live. And it's not only for myself. It's out of awareness for others. While my depression does take up a huge chunk of my life, I'm still learning to work alongside it and with others because absolutely nobody deserves to struggle alone.

For those of you who believe I'm self-centered, only focused on myself and my own issues, and blind to those around me, I'm sorry you think that way. But this battle is still a learning process for me, and in the meantime, I just want to reach out to those who need hope. The hope that I'm lucky to have in Christ.

I also found this amazing link to an article about what it's like to struggle with both depression and anxiety, and I couldn't have worded it better myself...check it out below!

http://www.buzzfeed.com/annaborges/20-feelings-that-sum-up-having-both-depression-and-anxiety#.jcWENo1zg

Mental health: it IS a big deal,
Marissa Mayer

Sunday, March 13, 2016

3.13.16

Happy Sunday! Just thought I'd take some time and share some bible verses since I don't have much time to write right now. 

Also, thank you so much for your support! I've hit 9k views. Praying to reach 10 by the end of next week. Keep on sharing, let's make it happen! 

Much much love,
Marissa Mayer




Thursday, March 10, 2016

Psalm 30:5b

Good evening everyone! Hope you had a good day.

I had an extremely rough night last night. I came home feeling upset about nothing in particular. Just lonely. The darkness ate away at me. I'm not sure how everything happened, but I ended up laying on the floor in my closet for awhile and then shifted to my bed. I laid there sobbing. I knew I had to do homework and take a shower but I couldn't. I wanted nothing more than to feel better. Prayer seemed to difficult and I was slipping deeper and deeper. My mom came in and told me to move. It hurt when I tried. I somehow dragged myself into the shower. For awhile I sat in the shower, just letting my tears go down the drain with the water. I hugged my knees and closed my eyes real tight. There was no escaping. My head hurt almost as badly as my heart.

When I got into bed things got worse. I couldn't sleep. I tossed and turned and instead of saying a deep prayer, I just kept on saying "help", hoping God could hear me. My mom heard me and asked if I needed to go to the hospital. Now, I know what that would mean. A full week of being drugged up and piling up schoolwork. Neither of which I wanted. I said no and eventually drifted off to sleep.

Despite my terrible night, I woke up feeling a little bit better. Mom let me stay home for the morning to catch up on sleep and I made it to school just in time for band (most important class of the day). It made me think of Psalm 30:5b...you can read it below in this beautiful picture that my friend Andrew wrote out for me.

So most importantly, although I cried for a majority of the night, God always manages to wake me up feeling a little better than the night before. And so my prayer for you all, is that you can all go to sleep tonight, knowing that tomorrow is a new day.

He will always wipe your tears and prepare you for tomorrow,
Marissa Mayer

P.S. Up to 8.9k views! Keep on sharing. Also, please take the poll on the side! Thanks :)


Tuesday, March 8, 2016

S-T-U-C-K

Good evening! Today, it was 70 degrees here in Wisconsin. Let me repeat that...70 degrees! In March! Funny thing is, we just had a ton of snow last Friday night and a frigid Saturday to follow. The weather certainly is crazy. But anyways, not sure where I'm headed with today's post, so bear with me.

The other night was a rough one for me. I had a pretty good day traveling with pep band, but when I got home I crashed. I can't remember the last time I had felt so broken. My body was cold and tired so I went to bed despite the fact that it was 5 o'clock in the evening.

The lights in my room were off and the blinds were shut on my window. I could feel the depression sneak up on me in the darkness. The hurt built up in my heart. I missed my dad and the way my life used to be. I cried and fell asleep and then woke up crying and would drift back to sleep. I was hungry but didn't want to eat. I attempted to get out of bed but when I was trying I became dizzy and my body physically ached. I changed my mind and went back to my room. I laid on my bed sobbing because I was scared. The whispers in my head felt like shouts telling me that I couldn't survive like this anymore. The feelings of not wanting to live slowly surrounded me.

I'm not sure what it was that pushed me to get help. But I picked up my phone and messaged my pastor. He helped me through it and reminded me that I am loved. After talking to him I forced myself to get up. My mom took me out to get something to eat and I had a pretty decent rest of the night.

Basically, I've been in a rut lately. And that night was a pretty low place for me. I'm not even sure where I would've ended up if I hadn't finally decided to ask for help.

To summarize, I feel alone. I'm slowly losing my best friend. I hate going to school because to me, it's a building full of stress and expectations I can't always meet. I find little pleasure in doing things I once loved to do. And while I'm stuck in this rut, I'm still gonna be waiting for it to pass. Because depression is just a vicious cycle. It takes your time and turns it into tears, and then lets you stand victorious on top of the mountain before pushing you down the side.

But to all of you, I pray that you can stand on top of that mountain for a little while. I'm cheering for all of you as I struggle at the bottom of this valley. And for those of you who are sitting down here with me, you're not alone. We just gotta hold on tight before we can start the climb.

Praying without ceasing,
Marissa Mayer

P.S. I have a new poll up on the side! Please please please vote! Thanks!



Sunday, March 6, 2016

New Blog Logo?

Good afternoon everyone! Okay, so I got busy and made a logo. Let me know whether you like it or not! If you have any better ideas, please send them in!

Love and blessings to you,
Marissa Mayer


Saturday, March 5, 2016

Fear, Frustration, and the Future

Good morning viewers! I hope you had a great week and are starting off with an even better weekend! Okay so I started formatting a post yesterday in Pre-Calc (oops!) and since I'm on a two hour bus ride for pep band, I decided now would be a good time to share some thoughts. 

Yesterday wasn't the easiest day for me. Band rehearsal ended on a rough note (pun not originally intended). A lot of my classmates aren't putting forth full effort and practicing. At the root of it all, they've simply stopped caring. 

I could see how frustrated my director was because our concert is only 10 days away and we certainly aren't playing to the best of our abilities.

But seeing my director frustrated, frustrated me. How am I going to do it? Teaching music is more than showing kids how to play an instrument. It's helping them learn how to paint a picture with sound. To create a scene filled with dynamics and shaping. But how do you do that with a group of students who don't care? And if my director finds it hard to do sometimes, I certainly will find it near impossible. Because if I could share my passion with my "band mates" I would do it in an instant. 

My frustration ate away at me. I felt like I was a few steps ahead and I couldn't help those behind me. Band is a group effort. I could practice for three hours a day but that won't help the kid sitting next to me. For those of you who do sports rather than music, let me put it this way: imagine trying to play a game when only a few of you go to practices and work hard. How are you supposed to win? 

I ended up crying and talking with my director. He reminded me that at most any job, I could feel that frustration. But you learn to look past it because you'll love teaching music too much to let the frustration get in your way. I was then reminded about God's plan for me. Only a few months ago did I decide to quit the dream of becoming a neonatal nurse. Why? Because I realized that making good money isn't what I care about. I don't want to have to go to years and years of school to have a job I don't love 100%. I want to use my talents to teach something I'm passionate about. 

And if it wasn't for my director, I'm not sure where I'd be headed. Beyond my frustration with music and the future, I've been frustrated with my depression and how it's taking its toll on me again. There are days when I wonder if I'm going to make it to even be a music teacher. Or even graduate high school. Some days I feel alone, without friends, or missing my life before the chaos called divorce and depression. I'm full of anxiety about my future and questioning how far I'll make it. But my director has been of such great support to me. A Christian Leader who isn't afraid to show me where I've done wrong, yet is willing to encourage me when I can't see the light at the end of the tunnel.  

And I'm so glad that God has opened my eyes to the idea of doing something I love, rather than something I'm doing for the money. His plan is the best for me, and although there are days when I can't see it, I know that I must trust in Him. 

For He will lead me to wonderful places when I close my eyes and let Him take control. 

My frustrations are nothing to fear when I have Christ by my side,
Marissa Mayer