Saturday, March 5, 2016

Fear, Frustration, and the Future

Good morning viewers! I hope you had a great week and are starting off with an even better weekend! Okay so I started formatting a post yesterday in Pre-Calc (oops!) and since I'm on a two hour bus ride for pep band, I decided now would be a good time to share some thoughts. 

Yesterday wasn't the easiest day for me. Band rehearsal ended on a rough note (pun not originally intended). A lot of my classmates aren't putting forth full effort and practicing. At the root of it all, they've simply stopped caring. 

I could see how frustrated my director was because our concert is only 10 days away and we certainly aren't playing to the best of our abilities.

But seeing my director frustrated, frustrated me. How am I going to do it? Teaching music is more than showing kids how to play an instrument. It's helping them learn how to paint a picture with sound. To create a scene filled with dynamics and shaping. But how do you do that with a group of students who don't care? And if my director finds it hard to do sometimes, I certainly will find it near impossible. Because if I could share my passion with my "band mates" I would do it in an instant. 

My frustration ate away at me. I felt like I was a few steps ahead and I couldn't help those behind me. Band is a group effort. I could practice for three hours a day but that won't help the kid sitting next to me. For those of you who do sports rather than music, let me put it this way: imagine trying to play a game when only a few of you go to practices and work hard. How are you supposed to win? 

I ended up crying and talking with my director. He reminded me that at most any job, I could feel that frustration. But you learn to look past it because you'll love teaching music too much to let the frustration get in your way. I was then reminded about God's plan for me. Only a few months ago did I decide to quit the dream of becoming a neonatal nurse. Why? Because I realized that making good money isn't what I care about. I don't want to have to go to years and years of school to have a job I don't love 100%. I want to use my talents to teach something I'm passionate about. 

And if it wasn't for my director, I'm not sure where I'd be headed. Beyond my frustration with music and the future, I've been frustrated with my depression and how it's taking its toll on me again. There are days when I wonder if I'm going to make it to even be a music teacher. Or even graduate high school. Some days I feel alone, without friends, or missing my life before the chaos called divorce and depression. I'm full of anxiety about my future and questioning how far I'll make it. But my director has been of such great support to me. A Christian Leader who isn't afraid to show me where I've done wrong, yet is willing to encourage me when I can't see the light at the end of the tunnel.  

And I'm so glad that God has opened my eyes to the idea of doing something I love, rather than something I'm doing for the money. His plan is the best for me, and although there are days when I can't see it, I know that I must trust in Him. 

For He will lead me to wonderful places when I close my eyes and let Him take control. 

My frustrations are nothing to fear when I have Christ by my side,
Marissa Mayer

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