Wednesday, April 27, 2016

4.27.16

Good morning all! Happy Wednesday!

This week is insanely busy for me. Musical week (no, I'm not singing...I'm in the pit). I also have state solo and ensemble this weekend, along with prom next week. School is (thankfully) coming to an end and I'm super stressed out with homework/projects/upcoming finals...etc.

Last night, I got super frustrated (there it is again...the "f word"). I couldn't read my music for the musical and I'm still feeling a little upset about it. I felt like a disappointment as a musician. Once again, anxiety kicked in and had me worrying about the future. Something I should really try and veer away from.

What if I can't go to school for music? I'm not a good musician. What college am I even going to? I certainly can't teach music. What am I supposed to do? I'm not good at anything really.

While I'm still feeling slightly discouraged from beating myself up last night, I did a lot of praying on my way home. So today is a little bit rough for me, but I'm hoping it gets a little better from here on out.

So, as a PSA from Marissa (the ultimate worrier)...relax. Don't worry about tomorrow. Focus on today, the moment. You can do it. You are stronger than you know. I have faith in you! Remember that God is on your side.

Back to class!
Marissa Mayer

Thursday, April 21, 2016

Hurting But Helping

Good afternoon all. Hope you are having a great day!

There is somebody in my life (who will remain unnamed for privacy purposes) who has helped me a great deal lately. She's gone through a lot of similar struggles and through both of our trials, we've reconnected. And as I've continued my journey with mental health issues, I've noticed something beautiful. Those who hurt, help the most. I'll bring that idea back around in a little bit here...

But this young woman is beyond beautiful. Inside and out. She has a big heart and is always willing to listen to me and countless others, I'm sure. I cannot count the amount of times she has tagged me on inspirational quotes on Instagram or made me smile by sending a simple Snapchat. She is going through a lot on her own, including some health issues. It's easy to fall into the trap of questioning God and His plan. I definitely catch myself in it a lot and so has this she. Despite every struggle that this girl faces, she gets back up when she falls...

Not only that, but she grabs my hand on her way back up too. And that brings me back to what I said before. I've found that a lot of people who struggle with mental illness or face a lot of challenges, are always willing to help others despite the junk they're facing themselves. Selfless. And that is what makes this sweet girl such a valuable daughter of Christ.

Those are the kind of people you need to hold onto. People like my friend here, who love and serve others even when they might be drowning in their own sea of problems. She is the perfect example of what Christ looks like when He shines through others. Despite the fact that He was going to die for the sins of the whole world, Jesus continued to love and serve those around Him. 

That's why I firmly believe it's important to surround yourself with new people constantly. Building new relationships is so beneficial! Especially when you need some more positivity to surround you. Making new friends and reconnecting with old ones always takes you a little outside of your comfort zone which is healthy too!

But there have been many occasions in which I thought: "who wants to be friends with the depressed girl?" I've come to the conclusion that I'm more than my depression. And I'm sure that a lot of you can agree that those of us who struggle, love to help others. For me, it gets my mind off of my own problems and gives me the opportunity to encourage somebody else. So if you've ever felt like I wasn't approachable, I want you to know that I am! I'm always more than happy to help each and every one of you (Contact Me forum is on the right hand side of the screen)!

But this friend of mine, has come into my life at just the right time. God sent her when I needed somebody to confide in. While I was so worried about everything else, He sent me a wonderful girl to be my help. I've been so blessed to reconnect with her and I'm excited to continue our friendship as she has only been of positive encouragement and continues to help me build my faith (as well as "get stronger"). God has such wonderful plans in store for this girl because she makes her faith evident and is always willing to help me when I am down. So, to my lovely friend (I know she's going to read this), thank you for being such a fabulous friend but ultimately a sister in Christ.


Blessed with the best,
Marissa Mayer


Wednesday, April 20, 2016

Heartbreak

Good morning...hope you're all doing good. Unfortunately, I'm not doing as well.

I don't really talk about relationships or guys a lot on my blog because, well, it's not the focus. But I recently went through another heartbreak. And by recently, I mean last night. All I have to say is: boys, boys, boys...oh how silly.

I've been let down by them before. Thankfully I've moved on from each of them through good time, and even kept one of them around...he's now one of my best friends. But for some reason, this heartbreak hurts a little worse. I think it's due to the fact that I've recently dealt with drifting from my long time best friend, and have to deal with a ton of school stress...(trust me, there will be many frustrated, stressed out blog posts to come in the next month, so hold on).

But I really depended on this guy to help me out when things got rough. And probably a little more than I should have. I thought I was doing everything right. I prayed continuously that this was the right one, and that God would let me hold onto this one for a little while. And when I didn't get the answer I wanted, I was mad.

I drove down to Grafton last night to have dinner with a friend and I cried the whole way there. I sobbed, and got frustrated that God kept throwing these things at me. But that wasn't true. Despite my yelling, and pleading for it all to come back, I came to realize that this has nothing to do with God. But a lot more to do with me.

I didn't look to God as much as I should have. I think I slowly let this "relationship" get in the way of my faith. I relied on somebody instead of the ultimate One. While this boy was (and still is) of great support to me, I understand that God wants me to grow in my faith. He wants the best for me, and will allow whatever is necessary for me to succeed in my faith.

While the night was rough, I also found great support. Dinner with my friend was lovely. She's such a role model to me and has taught me a lot. I also called my friend Melody to help comfort me (and ask her to be my new date to prom).

So, despite the anxiety attack I had in the car, and the crying myself to sleep, I'm glad I've come to the understanding that God wants what is best for me, and will never break my heart when I put my trust in Him.

Much love, 
Marissa Mayer

Sunday, April 17, 2016

Semicolon Day

Happy Sunday all! I'm getting ready to go to bed...school tomorrow. So I just thought I would stop and share this picture I took yesterday in honor of Project Semicolon. They had people email them their stories and what the semicolon means to them, and sent temporary semicolon tattoos to the best answers. I was selected to participate, and I'm very proud to be a mental health advocate! I'm also getting excited to attend an awareness event tomorrow night...I'll let you all know how that goes! My shirt comes in this week too! Hope you all have a good start to the week tomorrow. Praying as always!

Blessings,
Marissa Mayer

Friday, April 15, 2016

My Two Best Friends

Sorry I'm writing so late, but I have a lot on my mind...

It sounds crazy but I'm losing one of my best friends in the whole wide world. I drowned myself in tears tonight as I was blown off for somebody else. There isn't much effort to spend time with one another anymore and I'm simply drifting farther away from her.

I've gone through my fair share of "heartbreak" with boys, but let me tell you...this hurts worse. I've known her since 6th grade. Boys come and go, and I knew some of my friends would too because it's "a part of growing up". But I didn't think I would have to lose this one. I lost a huge group of friends this past year, but it didn't bother me because I thought I still had a few solid ones left.

The same situation is happening with my best guy friend. We don't really talk anymore. Our 110 day snap streak has turned into a chore...not just casual conversation (yes, I'm aware of how shallow that sounds). It's a lot for me to handle because I always overthink things. And maybe that's what I'm doing right now...I don't know. I feel like this is all my fault, as if I can't be good enough for anyone. Is it the mental illness? Is it something I do? My personality? Why doesn't anyone stick around anymore?

But, God has reminded me that there are people who have stuck around. Two people in particular that come first to mind. First, my wonderful mother. She came in and saw me crying tonight and reminded me that she is always on my side. She's been my support when I cannot stand and is always there to hug my broken pieces back together. Mama, if you read this, I just wanna say that I love and appreciate you more than you'll ever know. Thank you for cheering me on through life and being my ultimate best friend. You have a beautiful heart and I thank God that He picked out a mom as special as you, just for me.

Secondly, I thought about my 4-year-old cousin, Emma. I remember back when I found out my aunt was pregnant with a girl. I was so excited because I always wanted a "little sister"...and I knew this was as close as I would ever get. I know it sounds crazy, but she's gotta be my best buddy. She's smart and funny...that little piece of sunshine always puts a smile on my face. I'd do anything for her because she's definitely changed my life for the better. Like today, I came home sick and she saw me crying because I felt terrible, and she had such a worried look on her face. She climbed up on my lap and gave me a big hug. I never knew someone so little could have such a big heart. Emma is my little blessing of a "sister" and honestly, she's like a mini-me (but cooler and cuter)!

Mostly, I guess I have what I need right now. While growing up, I know God is telling me He has more people to place in my life. I just need to have patience. And that's something we all know I'm not very good at...waiting. But here's to two people who have ultimately keep me around. I'd be lost without them both and I will never forget to thank God for these blessings. Much love to Mama Leah and Emma Jo.
Life is changing, but the blessings are constant,
Marissa Mayer





Thursday, April 14, 2016

The Three "F" Words

Good evening! Happy Thursday! Okay, I'm sure you're all really judging me for the title of this post, but I promise, you're in for some good stuff tonight. I know it's long, but stick with me! Here goes:

Standing at the top of my mountain, I feel like it's easier for me to look back and see just how far I've come. And when I'm looking back to the beginning of my depression up until now, I've come across the three "F" words that seem to perfectly describe my battle so far.

First, is fear.

I was diagnosed back in September of 2015 with my depression, but I remember it starting back in 7th grade. It wasn't as serious until my freshman/sophomore year, but I didn't fully understand my depression until my diagnosis. I remember hearing the word "depression" and having my heart pound inside my chest like it was about to burst. The darkness that filled my mind finally had a name. All those nights of being scared and alone, the suicide attempts, the hurting...suddenly there was a huge label attached to it. My mental illness. If we go back a little further, right before I started seeing a counselor, that's when it was the worst. The summer of 2015 when my family fell apart. I saw myself change into somebody I wasn't. I watched as my gentle hands were now able to hurt me. My imagination wasn't a healthy sort of creative, but rather an abyss of gloom and thoughts of death. In the 16 years I've been on earth, I've never watched anything scarier than depression take me hostage like that. The beginning of my depression had me fearful that one day, I'd fall captive to the demons inside my mind and try to take my own life...but succeed.

Secondly, is frustration. (I use this word a lot...I know!)

Okay, so I'm different than most of the kids my age. I watched a lot of my friends go on and live happy lives and do fun stuff while I sort of sat on the sidelines. I lost a lot of people in my life that I cared about. People who said they'd always be there...left the minute they saw the storm in my eyes. I was in a low place, I went through a period of time where I would try and hurt myself any way that I could because I thought this was all my fault. I'd scratch my wrist with the end of a pen cap or snap hair ties on my wrist until it was red and stinging. I didn't know how to help myself. God felt a million miles away, and all of my prayers felt unanswered. I had little support and I wasn't allowed to take medications. I became stressed with school and work. Where was I supposed to go and what was I supposed to do? My depression limited my motivation so I just sat in my dark little corner, tired of trying to get up only to fall down.

But then (most importantly), comes faith.

I knew faith was the answer to my depression. The devil in his ways made me question it a lot, but I distinctly remember the night it hit me the hardest.
It was one of the worst nights for me. I came home from school moving like a zombie. I didn't even bother opening my backpack because I knew it was going to be a long night. I sat on my phone, scrolling through social media. Not really reading or looking, just blankly staring at a screen. I flopped onto my bed and just laid there staring at the wall. I cried and left my comforter drenched in tears. My body was weak and I couldn't move. I was paralyzed by fear, and frustrated that I had been dealing with this for so long. My mom came in my room, watched me, and silently left. She later told me I had to get ready for bed so I went in the bathroom. I ended up sitting on the cold tile floor for a half hour before dragging myself into the shower. I went to bed feeling hopeless. My mom said goodnight to me, and when the lights went out and the door was shut, I sobbed. I groaned and kept asking God to save me. All I wanted was to be done with this life. My mom came back in my room and I couldn't stop having this weird attack. She threatened to take me into the hospital and I knew that would only make things worse. Eventually, my body tired out and I fell asleep. Over the next few days, I knew that God is what I needed. So I prayed...ceaselessly. Throughout the day. I would draw my semicolon on my wrist and told myself that Christ was my strength. He fought this battle for me and with me. He also fought eternal death for me despite my ugly sins...what great love that is!

Faith truly is the key to overcoming the other "F" words. Without it, the lows get lower, and the cycle of depression only gets harder to overcome. I'm lucky to have Christ by my side...a lot of people who suffer from depression don't have the hope in Him like I do. Faith is a beautiful thing. I don't always have to see God working visibly in my life to know that He is doing great things through me and for me.

Hold fast to your faith and pray without ceasing. You are deeply and eternally loved,
Marissa Mayer

"When the righteous cry for help, the Lord hears and delivers them out of all their troubles. The Lord is near to the brokenhearted and saves the crushed in spirit. Many are the afflictions of the righteous but the Lord delivers him out of them all." -Psalm 34:17-19

Monday, April 11, 2016

The View From The Top

Good afternoon all! Hope you're doing well!

First off, just a little update on me. I started not feeling well yesterday morning after church. I did my homework when suddenly my stomach started bothering me. And before you knew it, I couldn't keep any food down. I had the flu. I felt pretty miserable because I knew I needed something in my system and I felt pretty dehydrated. I didn't go to school today of course, and after a good night's sleep I'm feeling a lot better now!

But anyways, I felt a little tired a few hours ago so I was getting ready to take a nap. I put on some classical music and was trying to fall asleep and a lot of thoughts/memories came to my mind. The sunshine streamed in my room a little onto the opposite wall and despite the "post-flu feeling" I had, I suddenly realized that I felt good. Genuinely good.

I remember writing a few weeks ago about getting ready to climb to the top of this mountain and conquer this round of depression. And I'm happy to announce that today, I realized I did it. I remember slowly sliding down the mountain after Christmas. I sat at the bottom for what felt like an eternity. For those of you who have depression, I'm sure you can relate. The bottom of the valley is dark. It's cold, there is no light. It's full of endless tears, frustration, and a huge lack of motivation. You become blind to the support around you and feel too weak to want to climb back up.

I think the reason I didn't want to try the climb was because I know it's hard. It's long, and sometimes you can fall right back down. What finally did it for me was the help of a friend. He convinced me that I had to try. If not for myself, for him, because he hates seeing me that way. So, I did my own research. Started some changes. Taking the herbal pill helped a lot in the beginning. Since I started feeling sick, I've stopped taking it unless I start feeling a little down. I'm proud to say I haven't needed it in about two weeks. This friend that I have has continued to play a major role in making every one of my days better. I wake up to a good morning text to start my day and always have him to fall back on when I need to. With good support and prayer, I'm telling you...you can make the climb to. And if you're looking for that support, know that sometimes it might not be who you expect. And if you need me to be that support, I would be more than willing to help. 

Today, I felt as though I set foot on the peak of my mountain. I am happier than I thought I could be from the bottom. The view from up here is amazing. I can see my hard work below me, and God standing beside me, still holding my hand like He did all the way to the top. I can see the simplistic beauty of life, and the people that love and support me. I have never been this excited for myself. And for now, I'm not even worried about the next round. Because I did it...with God and some good support.

Thank you for the ten thousand views. I can only pray God's using me to change lives...one post at a time.

Start your climb today...if I can do it, so can you!
Marissa Mayer

Friday, April 8, 2016

Happy Ten Thousand!

Good afternoon all! Good news...it's Friday! Okay I have quite a few things to say so let's go...

This post marks 100 published posts. I know my last post said that, but I had deleted one. Not only is this post #100, but by the time I publish this, I will have reached 10k views. TEN THOUSAND. And that leads me to the main point of this post...

I know I struggled with seeing the benefits of me writing this blog. I get little feedback...which can be super duper frustrating. But, I've had a handful of people tell me that they read it and love it. I realized that I just wanted to know for certain that I was changing lives with the words I write. But after talking to somebody, doing some inner searching, and a lot of prayer, I realized that I don't need to know for sure. This blog is a part of God's plan for me...I can feel it. And His plan is mysterious...I have to rely on Him. I have to trust that He is working through me. Although I can't see much right now, I have to place my faith in the fact that He is God, and that I'm working to help bring others to Him.

I don't need people praising me for what I do. And I think the sinful part of me wanted to a little bit of that. But through some praying, I've found that I just need to rest firm in my faith. The pageviews are jumping and I know that there's people reading this. So I apologize, for not writing. I knew the time for me to question my blog would come, and I'm glad I found a clear answer. Keep writing.

I've also got some big plans for myself as the author of this blog. I've registered myself to join a group for Mental Health America in my county. I'm also attending two awareness workshops this month to learn some stuff and promote my blog. And for some bigger news, I ordered myself a shirt today with the blog logo on it. I'm beyond thrilled to get it. Of course, I'll post pictures when it arrives. Oh, and I received my temporary semi-colon tattoo in the mail from Project Semicolon. Remember that April 16th is the day for that...so mark your calendars!



Thank you all for the endless support. Here's to 100 posts, 10 thousand views, and endless faith in our Lord and Savior, Jesus Christ!

In His eternal love,
Marissa Mayer

P.S. Remember to LIKE Depressed But Blessed on Facebook!

Saturday, April 2, 2016

A Hundred and Done

Good evening...

Here's my 100th post for the blog (actually 99...I took one down, but whatever).

I had a terrible night. I haven't taken my pill for 3 days now and I can feel the depression again. I guess I have to go back on it...even though I hate feeling sick all the time.

Right now I feel discouraged. I feel like there's a handful of people who read my blog, and the rest is just fake views. I don't get enough support anymore. My friends and family never talk to me about it, and the pride I used to take in my writing, is diminished. I know in one of my last posts I was so hopeful, but I took too big of a step with this whole thing. I've lost faith in myself. So here's to the 100th post of Depressed But Blessed...and for now, my last one until I feel better about it. If I ever do.


Signing off until further notice,
Marissa Mayer