Thursday, May 12, 2016

Emotionally Paralyzed

Good evening to all of you. My heart is heavy, my mind is full, and the darkness has snatched me into its hands. I'm hoping it's only for the night.

I feel like my whole life is a game that I just don't know how to play. I move one space forward and then two spaces back. I always wind up losing. I've been around the board too many times, and I'm tired of playing and losing. Playing and losing...over and over.

I was lied to by a boy. Led on, if you will. He put me on cloud 9 and then watched me fall when he told me the truth and walked away. Because I already have a soft heart, it hurt a lot more than I wanted it to. A lot more. I'm disappointed, ashamed, and I feel nothing but regret. I prayed every night for this to work. God gave me an answer I don't like and it has left me feeling hopeless.

Beyond that, I miss my best friend. Despite our recent disagreements, I cannot help but look at our past. I scrolled through pictures on my phone and cried because the days I spent with her were some of my happiest memories. She has been my lifesaver and one of my biggest supporters since 6th grade. Without her, I feel incomplete.

And when the heart hurts, it will bring back a million reasons as to why it feels broken. So, of course, I am reminded that I am essentially fatherless. The phrase "daddy's little girl" was used in chapel today, and it felt like a punch in the stomach. My dad doesn't make much of an effort to talk to me now that I live with my mom mostly. Even when I visit him, I feel like he's a stranger to me.

I cannot focus on the English essay I'm supposed to be writing right now. Or the Physics lab that is due tomorrow morning. My body is cold and lacking energy. I came home from school and collapsed on my bed. Emotionally paralyzed. Unable to move. Trying to breathe.

I'm trying to be okay right now as I write this. I just need lots of prayers. Hopefully things will be okay in the morning. I'm sure they will because "weeping may tarry for the night, but joy comes with the morning..." 

In the wise words of my boss: boys come and go, but Jesus is forever.

A loved daughter of the King,
Marissa Mayer

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