Tuesday, June 28, 2016

Not The One

Good afternoon to all my wonderful viewers. Got some stuff on my mind today...enjoy the read!

My entire life, I've always sought to feel accepted and appreciated. I'll admit it...mostly by boys. I've had my fair share of "boyfriends" and whatnot. Last night, I experienced heartbreak yet again. I sobbed myself to sleep, woke up, threw up, and remembered the night before. 

I was quite sure that my feelings for this one were real though. We have broken up multiple times, and every time he apologizes and I take him back. It's ridiculous and I feel worse every time I do because I know it never ends well. The more I held on, the more I hurt.

We had talked about our future. I told him things I didn't tell the rest. I trusted him, cared about him, and ultimately set myself up to get hurt. Last night he chose to tell me we're done for good this time. The room spun and all I could do was cry. I'm tired of being dropped like I'm nothing. I was tired of him giving me the attention I wanted, only to end up hurting me. I had thought things would last longer this time. I was wrong. He's not the one.

I remember praying to God that I really wanted this one to stick around. That I was sure I knew what I was doing, and that he seemed to be somebody who'd stay awhile because we had been through so much. Despite the pain I feel, I know deep down that what I feel is anger. I'm angry because God gave me the answer I needed and not the one I wanted. I know I have written about this before, but it's just so relevant. 

My view of the future and of time is really so limited...finite. God's plan right now, being really honest, looks super crappy in my eyes. However, it's not. It's just impossible for my human mind to see anything past now.

Thankfully, God reminded me of my blessings this morning when my best friend came and brought me ice cream and made me laugh again. What more do I need?

Still blessed,
Marissa Mayer

Friday, June 24, 2016

Unwelcome Visitors

Happy Friday everyone! Got a weird experience to share with you...it took me awhile to get the courage to share because I'm still slightly embarrassed about it. However, it was an eye opening experience. So here goes:

On Wednesday I worked an 8 hour shift and then came home. Since fall, we've been living in a downstairs apartment. It's essentially all underground and without much light, it can be very depressing to be at home sometimes. Wednesday night, was definitely one of those.

Along with being frustrated with our living situation, there was some stuff I was irritated with that involved my friends. Assuming I was overtired, I decided to go to bed. Anger swelled in my heart, and I could feel the darkness sneak up on me. I tossed and turned, and finally found sleep. I woke up a half hour later. Now this might sound strange, but when I get frustrated and upset, I refuse to eat. I knew my body was low on food, but I didn't care. The voices in my head got louder.

You're too weak to fight it this time.
Why even try anymore?
Worthless. Sick. Your life sucks.

I knew deep down the devil was trying to get the best of me. I saw my Bible across the room, but was too paralyzed to get it. Tears soaked my pillow and the voices made my head pound. Angry, I put my pillow over my head to try and drown them out. I sobbed, "help me"...praying that the Lord would hear my cry. I fell back asleep again. A half hour later, I woke up when my brother tired to come in my room. "Go away," I cried. He left, and I heard him ask my mom what was wrong with me. I wish I knew the answer.

Finally, I dragged myself into my mom's room to sleep. I figured that if somebody else was around, the demons would leave me alone. They slowly vanished. My head ached from the entire experience, also because my body needed to eat. My mom forced me to get up and get food. So after some mac n cheese and a cup of chamomile tea, I felt better. My mood changed suddenly. I laughed at my own jokes and was suddenly not tired. I assumed that this was the "mood disorder" my counselor referenced to once or twice.

The whole thing was mortifying. When a friend asked me what was wrong, I felt ashamed of myself. Of my mental illness. He proceeded to explain that he's always there for me, and I should never feel like I can't tell him these things. I felt comforted, but still slightly upset. I'm guessing that this episode had a lot to do with the fact that I had low blood sugar. Good news is that I woke up feeling a lot better. Praying it won't happen again...at least not anytime soon.

"In all circumstances take up the shield of faith, with which you can extinguish all the flaming darts of the evil one." -Ephesians 6:16 

Thanks be to God, for kicking out the unwelcome visitors,
Marissa Mayer


Sunday, June 19, 2016

1 of 365

Today was my least favorite day of the year...Father's Day.

Social media was filled with pictures of dads and families. It hurt me a little because I haven't really had a good father figure in my life. Memories of my biological father come down to verbal abuse and feeling pressured to do my visitation with him when I didn't want to. Being forced to say I love you when I didn't mean it. When it comes to my adoptive dad, he wasn't always very present in my life. Most of my good memories with him come from my early childhood. But things became rough with the falling out of our family last spring.

I held a lot of anger towards my dad for what he did to our family. For giving up. And at times, I believe I still feel slightly irritated by it. I make a point to stay in touch with him and I know I can go back home to him whenever I like. But it will never be the same. 

We used to do cool stuff together sometimes when I was really little. Simple stuff. I can remember going to the Wisconsin Dells and making him take me down my favorite water slide countless times. Or the times when we used to play kickball in the front yard of our house. He used to read me my favorite books over and over again until we both had them memorized. One of my favorite memories was when he would tuck me in at night and lay next to me until I fell asleep (often times, he fell asleep too).

Unfortunately, he missed out on a lot later in my life when he was busy with work. Work was a priority that came before me and the rest of my family. It drove us apart. While my dad and I have a decent relationship now, it's nothing close to the ones I saw on Facebook today. And it breaks my heart often.

So today was harder than the rest. 2 dads who never set the right example. Thankfully I have a wonderful mom who often times fills the roles of both parents. And for that, I'm forever grateful. But today was just one day out of 365 and I made it through something that hit me a little hard. And guess what? I'm gonna make it through the rest of them. How? Through the love and strength of the ultimate Father. His peace will set me free.

Constantly blessed by my Heavenly Father,
Marissa Mayer

Thursday, June 16, 2016

6.16.16

Good morning!

While I don't really have much to say today, I just thought I'd take a minute to let you know that you're all on my mind and in my prayers.

And as it turns out, the bad day I had was only for the day. I woke up the next morning determined to fight it, but I really didn't have to. I put a smile on my face and had a good day.

As a follow up from my last post, I think you should all know that I tried something new. I felt really down later in the evening (probably 10 or 11 at night) and I didn't know who to talk to. I know that I have a ton of people who care about me and are always willing to listen, but as many of you probably can relate to, anxiety prevents me from doing so a lot. I had once called the suicide hotline, not because I was going to attempt, but because I thought it would be helpful to talk to someone. But, talking on the phone can also be slightly difficult for me (anxiety). So, I tried Crisis Textline. It proved to be extremely helpful. I was able to talk to somebody who knew what they were doing and they helped me come up with some ideas to make me feel better.

I strongly encourage you to try Crisis Textline next time you might need some help. I have their number (741-741) stored in my phone now. They are available 24/7 and I hope that they can be as helpful to you as they were to me. It was a neat experience, and now my goal is to be a volunteer for them when I turn 18.

And of course, I am always here for all of you. I can be contacted using the "Contact Me" forum on the right otherwise on Twitter/Instagram/Facebook...you can pretty much always get a hold of me.

Thank you for all your thoughts and prayers...I am so happy to be feeling better. I hope you all have a wonderful day, and I'll hopefully be posting again next week (I'm going camping this weekend).

Thank you God, for letting the storm pass,
Marissa Mayer 

Sunday, June 12, 2016

Never Ready

Good evening...I apologize for the lack of posts. I haven't really had much to say as far as content goes lately, but tonight hit me really hard. Hope you are all doing better than I am currently. Sorry that most of this post is fragmented into short sentences. Honestly, just pouring my thoughts out here. Most of them...are short. Simplistic. So here goes:

I woke up today and I felt the familiar urge to stay in bed. I didn't feel like moving at all. I got up, got dressed, did my makeup, and cleaned my room. The day passed slowly.

I went out to a late lunch with a friend. I laughed a lot. It seemed to convince me that I was okay. After, I went back home. And that's when I realized I wasn't. Something sat heavy on my heart and I had no idea what it was. I needed to be alone. I drove to the cemetery where my grandma is buried. There, I talked out loud. About everything that worries me. I expected to feel better when I left. I didn't. 

I tried going to my special park with the swing. I opened up a book and attempted to read. It was slightly chilly and I couldn't focus on the words that flooded the pages. After about 40 minutes of scanning pages and then taking small breaks, I walked back to my car upset with myself. Why do I feel this way?

I sat in my car with the keys in the ignition, but still. Anger shot through my heart. And that's when a scary thought came to mind: what if this is the "low part" of the vicious cycle of my depression? Looking back on the past few years, I've been able to see that it comes and goes within months. By taking a look at the calendar, it wouldn't surprise me if it was time for it to come back around.

But I'm not ready. I never am. I can't handle the thought of being in that dark, depressed state again. I'm trying my best to keep my head above water here, but it takes a lot of strength to beat another wave.

I feel like this came at me unexpected. A lot like the shootings that occurred this weekend. Nobody is ever ready to face the dark reality of sin that we live in. It's frustrating. It's heartbreaking. It's terrifying. And tonight, that's how I feel. 

I suppose we really won't know if this was just a bad day or the start of a "low" until tomorrow morning when I wake up. Praying I'll wake up with a smile.

Follow me on Twitter: @depressbless and I'll start posting uplifting verses not only to help me, but you too. Feel free to follow my personal as well: @_mayerssa_

Weeping may tarry for the night, but joy comes with the morning,
Marissa Mayer

Sunday, June 5, 2016

Seclusion: Is It Okay?

Good evening all! My sincerest apologies for not blogging in awhile...life's been keeping me busy. I pray that you've all been doing great.

Back when I was in a really bad round of depression I remember wanting to be alone ALL the time. I was constantly in my room, door shut, listening to music, and usually just laying paralyzed in my bed doing nothing but crying. Other times, it was sitting on the bathroom floor, just because the cold tile reminded me that I was alive.

For those of us with depression it's easy to want to be alone when we feel down. Even my anxiety contributes to that. Awhile ago I was out in public and there just seemed to be too many people and I wished I was at home by myself.

And is it okay to want to be alone all the time?

Answer: No. Especially when you're going through a bad spell of depression. A few weeks ago I had a bad relapse and I called the suicide hotline because I was having an attack and was afraid things could get worse. The woman on the other end told me that I should play it safe and find somebody to be with. Just so that I wasn't alone. That's how my demons feed. Off of the idea of loneliness. And I've found that if I'm in a situation where I have to be alone, I need to pray, because I'm never truly alone. 

However...sometimes being alone can be good. Let me explain.

I recently had a rough day and lately, I catch myself missing my grandma who died back in 2010 of lung cancer. So after a nap, I went to the cemetery. I sat by her tombstone and poured my heart out. Although my grandma can't hear me, it was more about letting my feelings flow. I sat there for probably a half hour as the sun set. Crying, praying, and telling the world how I felt. When I was done, I went to a park in the town I used to live in. The park has a cute swing that overlooks the pond and it was put there in my grandmas memory. Now I find myself going here 2 or 3 times a week. I sat and started to write down some ideas for my blog. I prayed some more. I appreciated the beauty of nature that surrounded me.

Like I've said in other posts, being alone and treating yourself to some peace and quiet can be very helpful. As long as you aren't constantly secluding yourself. 

So do it for you. If you're feeling super depressed and wanting to be alone a lot, stop secluding yourself so much. Do it for your health. Go hang out with other people. Call up an old friend. Open the door and explore.

And if you need a mental health pick-me-up: go on a walk by yourself. A drive. A hike. Whatever it is, pray while you do it. Trust me, you'll feel a lot better.

Seclusion can be perfect in just the right conditions.

Blessings,
Marissa Mayer