Friday, June 24, 2016

Unwelcome Visitors

Happy Friday everyone! Got a weird experience to share with you...it took me awhile to get the courage to share because I'm still slightly embarrassed about it. However, it was an eye opening experience. So here goes:

On Wednesday I worked an 8 hour shift and then came home. Since fall, we've been living in a downstairs apartment. It's essentially all underground and without much light, it can be very depressing to be at home sometimes. Wednesday night, was definitely one of those.

Along with being frustrated with our living situation, there was some stuff I was irritated with that involved my friends. Assuming I was overtired, I decided to go to bed. Anger swelled in my heart, and I could feel the darkness sneak up on me. I tossed and turned, and finally found sleep. I woke up a half hour later. Now this might sound strange, but when I get frustrated and upset, I refuse to eat. I knew my body was low on food, but I didn't care. The voices in my head got louder.

You're too weak to fight it this time.
Why even try anymore?
Worthless. Sick. Your life sucks.

I knew deep down the devil was trying to get the best of me. I saw my Bible across the room, but was too paralyzed to get it. Tears soaked my pillow and the voices made my head pound. Angry, I put my pillow over my head to try and drown them out. I sobbed, "help me"...praying that the Lord would hear my cry. I fell back asleep again. A half hour later, I woke up when my brother tired to come in my room. "Go away," I cried. He left, and I heard him ask my mom what was wrong with me. I wish I knew the answer.

Finally, I dragged myself into my mom's room to sleep. I figured that if somebody else was around, the demons would leave me alone. They slowly vanished. My head ached from the entire experience, also because my body needed to eat. My mom forced me to get up and get food. So after some mac n cheese and a cup of chamomile tea, I felt better. My mood changed suddenly. I laughed at my own jokes and was suddenly not tired. I assumed that this was the "mood disorder" my counselor referenced to once or twice.

The whole thing was mortifying. When a friend asked me what was wrong, I felt ashamed of myself. Of my mental illness. He proceeded to explain that he's always there for me, and I should never feel like I can't tell him these things. I felt comforted, but still slightly upset. I'm guessing that this episode had a lot to do with the fact that I had low blood sugar. Good news is that I woke up feeling a lot better. Praying it won't happen again...at least not anytime soon.

"In all circumstances take up the shield of faith, with which you can extinguish all the flaming darts of the evil one." -Ephesians 6:16 

Thanks be to God, for kicking out the unwelcome visitors,
Marissa Mayer


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