Tuesday, September 6, 2016

Emotional Rollercoaster

Good afternoon and happy Tuesday! Hope you're all doing better than ever. Before I begin, you should probably know that this was written on Friday, so the content would be fresh, yet is being delivered to you today instead.

Today (this past Friday), my depression met me in the car. I was on my way to school and I was prepared to take on the last day of school before a 3 day weekend. Coffee in my hand, I turned on some music and squinted as I headed east towards school (because classic Marissa forgot her sunglasses...again).

I focused on the road and thought about the exciting weekend ahead of me. I made most of the green lights on my way to school and then I suddenly slowed down to a red light. It was at that exact moment that I felt it push me.

My eyes filled with tears and my heart sank. Not ready for another round, I told myself, "No, Marissa, don't let it trip you. Fight it." But the minute the thought crossed my mind, I felt my body exhale, as if to say, "but it's too hard." And that, my friends, is the problem with depression. It's a constant battle where you're unable to find the strength to fight. Thankfully, I have a Savior who fought sin, death, and the devil for me. While the devil bothers me now, he has been defeated by Christ. 

By the time I made it to school I was crying and immediately called someone I knew I could make me feel better. She prayed for me and I continued throughout my day. However, the devil wasn't done messing with me.

My emotions were on a roller coaster and it was extremely obvious not only to me, but I'm sure, to others. One minute I could be laughing and having a fine day, and the next, it was like I had been punched in the stomach and someone had tightened the knot in the back of my throat.

With anxiety along for the ride, I felt uncomfortable and socially afraid of what people were thinking about me. I thought of myself as a walking train wreck.

As it's now Tuesday, I wish I could say that things really turned around after that, but I don't think they did. On Sunday I faced another round of emotional ups and downs and let me tell you, it was incredibly frustrating, and not to mention, embarrassing.

But today was a pretty good day for me, as it was good to be diving back into the school setting and surrounded with God's Word in every classroom. While my struggle with mental health feels constant, I know that I can lift my eyes to the cross. It is then that we can find strength, forgiveness, peace, and an everlasting love.

In Christ's comfort I find stability and peace,
Marissa Mayer

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