Monday, October 31, 2016

Dominating Depression (At Least for Today)

Happy Monday all! So the past day or two have been really great for me and I'm excited to tell you all about it (as I was editing, I realized that I truly included all details of my day, so bear with me).

My weekend started off pretty crappy when I left school on Friday with a fever. The afternoon had been filled with an ongoing anxiety attack, then followed by the wonderful symptoms of a fever. The chills, aching muscles, and swollen lymph nodes were more than enough to keep me from working that night. Unfortunately, I knew it wouldn't be good to call in on Saturday, so I offered to come in and try my best. With some ibuprofen and lots of hydrating, I made it through my eight hour shift fairly well.

On Sunday, I had the opportunity to worship with the band and choir at our local Reformation Rally. Let me tell you, nothing sounds better than an auditorium full of Christians singing A Mighty Fortress. It's moments like those where I can't help but feel wonderfully overwhelmed by the power of the Christian Church. We performed (the band) decently, however, the experience in and of itself was more than fulfilling.

For the rest of the afternoon, I hung out with a friend and had some good laughs. Most importantly, I accomplished a ton of stuff last night. I chose sources for an English presentation, completed a college application, adjusted an essay, sent out some emails regarding letters of recommendation, and studied for my A.P. U.S. History test. As you can tell, I'm pretty proud considering I never study, and when I do, it doesn't help (if you're wondering why, it's because of endless distractions...hopefully this fixes itself in the college atmosphere).

Today continued to push forward in a positive direction. I came to school with a good attitude (well, maybe A.P. Calculus was a little challenging), but I continued to press on and let nothing get in my way. I knew I had an Anatomy & Physiology quiz later (which I didn't study for), but I didn't let it worry me. In my Theology class we talked about the wonderful use of prayer and why we continue to pray despite God's all knowing personality.

I was well challenged in Music Theory and was able to practice a beautiful section of music during band. Days like today really reassure me that music education is what I have a passion to do. After lunch I worked on my English project and was able to do some quick reviewing before my Anatomy & Physiology quiz. After grading our peers quizzes, I got mine back and saw that I had gotten 100% (what a pleasant surprise).

I also had some time before A.P. U.S. History, so I reviewed my essay outline, and ran through some quizzes before taking the test. With ease I flew through the multiple choice, and by the time I got to the essay, I was quite pleased with how well I was doing. By the end of the test, I could confidently say that I thought I did great. I'll be sure to let you guys know how I did :)

While this might seem like a post with bragging rights, I'd like to remind you of the earlier Marissa. The one who refused to study, who had little motivation, and could barely come to class. Well, today I dominated my school stuff. I have the night off of work (so I can catch up on my Calculus...yay) and today was just one of those days where I'm proud of where I'm currently standing.

My mind has been filled with positive thoughts and notes of self-encouragement. While there's been a few negative things poking at me, I refuse to let them get in my way. I feel like I have a great sense of strength and self-love today, and that's something I haven't seen in forever.

While I can't promise the rest of the day (or week), will go as well, I'll keep praying that I am able to persevere through anything that comes my way. Honestly, I'm feeling really good today, and I hope that this finds you all feeling the same. If not, feel free to contact me as I'd be more than happy to send you some encouragement.

So much love. All around. Prayers

I'm on top of the world,
Marissa Mayer

P.S. As I finished writing this post, my Calc teacher approached me and showed me my Calc quiz that I GOT 100% ON! So I guess today just got even a little better :) 

Monday, October 24, 2016

10.24.16

Happy Depressed But Blessed Monday!

Unfortunately I can't really write much today...it's the night of the fall concert and so I'm pretty busy, somewhat anxious, but mostly excited to praise the Lord with the music department here at school.

I've been doing pretty well lately, school has been decent. I had the opportunity to worship with the symphonic band this weekend and that was extremely refreshing. I'm still somewhat frustrated with my job, as I feel like I need a break for awhile. Kinda just need some time for myself, but I also need the money, so I'm stuck in a rough spot.

Hope you're all doing great...wish I had more time to write. Keeping you in my prayers now and always.

Blessings on your week,
Marissa Mayer

Monday, October 17, 2016

The Learning Process

Happy Depressed But Blessed Monday...sorry it's late again. Wrote most of this in Calculus this morning...

I thought I wouldn't have any content for today but as I write this, it's only shortly after 8 AM and I already have a lot on my mind. I failed another Calculus quiz. I'm frustrated because I understand these concepts but I get points taken off because I use my own methods or my answer could use more detail. Well, when the quiz is only out of a few points it's easy to slip down the grading scale.

I feel dumb because everyone in this classroom is doing better than me. I'm tired of being defined by my grades and being stressed out by school. On top of it all, the weather is cloudy and my motivation is at an all time low. I leave school or come in late due to my inability to handle classes. I stay home to catch up on sleep because my depression has me feeling lethargic lately. When I have a bad day it's easier for me to leave my problems behind the doors of my school and sleep off the bad feelings (well, usually that works).

My emotions are unsteady- ready to break me when even slightly provoked. And I hate myself for that. I look at myself and think I'm stupid. I feel like I'm trapped inside a body I hate. A heart that aches and a mind that begs for endless rest. I could sleep forever and it wouldn't be enough. But procrastination and my thoughts keep me awake at night. I just need a period of time to recover and I can't because the weekends just don't cut it anymore.

I feel like I'm sick with something nobody sees- and I suppose that's mental illness itself. And I guess if we can't see it, it's easy to dismiss. I've had to make accommodations for myself even when it was uncomfortable. I forced myself to inform my teachers and work with them to decide what would work for me and what wouldn't. However, as a mental health advocate it hurts me to know that there are other students across the world who feel like I do and struggle through school because they don't want to tell teachers. And if you're reading this and that's you, I encourage you to talk to a teacher or counselor about it. Most teachers are incredibly understanding about you needing extra time for things or needing to see them outside of class if necessary. It's something I learned to do for myself, and I'm going to have to learn to do it all over again when I make my journey to college.

I suppose I've just been hurting lately because the season is changing and I'm not fully prepared. I'm being tough on myself and I really shouldn't be. That's something else I learned...my depression runs with the weather like clockwork. I've also learned that sometimes I just need to take a step back, sit in my depression for a bit (this is usually when I sleep), and then push on. Occasionally I know I need to throw myself into a group of people and engage with them, despite how uncomfortable it might make me. I also feel upset lately because of social issues. It's hard having friends when they don't always know how to handle you. And unfortunately, my best friend is off at college so I don't see him as often. But he's always there for me and helps me when I need it.

To summarize this mess of a post, I want you to know that it's important to know your depression. It's somewhat easier to overcome another round when you know exactly what you're facing. Learn all about yours. Learn what really makes it flare up, or perhaps how often it comes around. Learn what makes you feel better. Learn who is going to be there for you when you truly need it. Learn more about how God's promises can give you comfort when you need it, because He will never break them. He will never leave you, sometimes He just gives you space to grow. 

Blessings and love to all of you,
Marissa Mayer


Monday, October 10, 2016

A Frightening Freedom

Good evening all, and happy Monday! So I don't have a whole lot to say today, but I recently wrote a memoir for my English class and I thought I'd share it with you. If some of the lines sound familiar, it's probably because I pulled some of it from my blog :) Anyways, here you go:

Nobody told me that growing up would bring so much change, accompanied by pain. On some days, I wish endlessly to relive the simplicity of my childhood. Smiles, laughter and endless fun occupied sunny days, and in the eyes of a child, life was perfect. The abrupt shift in my life, from childhood to adolescence, brought brokenness, unanswered questions and a sense of self-hate. During the beginning of my battle with depression, I was determined to find my own answers by giving up, and giving in to a frightening freedom known as suicide.

At ten years old, the term “suicide” was defined for me in a shadowy grade school classroom. My classmates and I learned about bullying and how sometimes it hurt people to the point where they chose to take their own life. As naive children, it was impossible for us to fathom. Years passed, and questions stormed into my mind. Why didn’t my biological parents love me like they were supposed to? Why was my heart feeling so void? Life continued to spiral downwards as I faced bullying, pressure from my biological family, and the death of my grandmother.

As if I hadn’t been tossed around enough, the devil took a big swing at my family, and knocked me down even further. My parents’ marriage shattered at the blink of an eye and my heart burned with anger. If life was a card game, I kept getting dealt a bad hand. I begged and pleaded God to remove me from this situation. His silence frustrated me because I needed answers immediately. I decided that if God wasn’t going to help me, I was going to have to help myself.

The warm summer day rolled into a cool evening and I formed a barely breathing figure on my bed. Voices in my head continued to hiss at me and remind me how much I was hurting. My body ached from the inside and I forced myself to remember to breathe. The world was dark whether my eyes were open or not. Convinced life was no longer worth my time, I slowly limped down the stairs of my house. My leg throbbed, and I could almost feel the cold, sharp blade against my upper thigh again. I recalled a few nights before sitting in the shower, letting my tears mix with the water. I inflicted physical pain upon myself, in hopes of the emotional pain subsiding. My body, on autopilot, reached the bottom of the stairwell and I stared at the ghost in the mirror that faced me. Anxiety had worn my body down to virtually skin and bones, and utter sadness sat where my sparkling eyes once shined with happiness. I trudged slowly to the bathroom, wondering how many more minutes until my heart stopped beating.

I remembered the notebook upstairs under my bed. Its pages were stained with tears and ink that somehow spelled out handfuls of apologies for what I was about to do. Before I knew it, the bathroom door had quietly been shut by my trembling hands. I reached for the medicine cabinet and took out as many medications as I could find. I popped open the first bottle with ease and slowly poured its content into my greedy hands. An internal battle pierced my soul but I was determined to leave the pain behind. The demons that filled my mind kept drowning me with lies and I felt eager to cave. My fingers quivered as I ran them slowly over the poisonous caplets of freedom, and I counted them slowly, one by one. Deep in my heart, I knew this wasn’t what I wanted, but the abyss in my mind had convinced me otherwise. A monster, known as depression, was living inside me under the control of Satan. Tears blurred my vision and I heard a voice as clear as day, ring from the depths of my heart, “Marissa, my child, you are loved.” The voice faded and I found myself wishing it would return. Immediately, my mother entered the bathroom just in time to tear the bottle from my hands.
In the following weeks, she made me sleep in her room, all medications were removed from the house, and I wasn’t let out of anyone’s sight. I’d be lying if I said that this was my only attempt, or the end of my depression. Unfortunately, I face my own set of challenges on a daily basis. Some days, I feel so crippled I cannot perform basic functions such as doing homework, interacting with others, or taking care of myself. Days still come around when I sit on the bathroom tile just to remind myself that I can feel the cold.


While God never promised me that life was going to be easy, He did promise me that I’ll never have to face it alone. He sent me wonderful people to look after me and love me when I get tired of fighting. Most importantly He sent me His Son so that someday, in His timing, I can rest in eternal paradise. When I face the shadows of depression, I can rest assured in the fact that Christ beholds peace, comfort, forgiveness, everlasting love, and a freedom that is much better than my own.

So much love & thanks,
Marissa Mayer