Monday, October 17, 2016

The Learning Process

Happy Depressed But Blessed Monday...sorry it's late again. Wrote most of this in Calculus this morning...

I thought I wouldn't have any content for today but as I write this, it's only shortly after 8 AM and I already have a lot on my mind. I failed another Calculus quiz. I'm frustrated because I understand these concepts but I get points taken off because I use my own methods or my answer could use more detail. Well, when the quiz is only out of a few points it's easy to slip down the grading scale.

I feel dumb because everyone in this classroom is doing better than me. I'm tired of being defined by my grades and being stressed out by school. On top of it all, the weather is cloudy and my motivation is at an all time low. I leave school or come in late due to my inability to handle classes. I stay home to catch up on sleep because my depression has me feeling lethargic lately. When I have a bad day it's easier for me to leave my problems behind the doors of my school and sleep off the bad feelings (well, usually that works).

My emotions are unsteady- ready to break me when even slightly provoked. And I hate myself for that. I look at myself and think I'm stupid. I feel like I'm trapped inside a body I hate. A heart that aches and a mind that begs for endless rest. I could sleep forever and it wouldn't be enough. But procrastination and my thoughts keep me awake at night. I just need a period of time to recover and I can't because the weekends just don't cut it anymore.

I feel like I'm sick with something nobody sees- and I suppose that's mental illness itself. And I guess if we can't see it, it's easy to dismiss. I've had to make accommodations for myself even when it was uncomfortable. I forced myself to inform my teachers and work with them to decide what would work for me and what wouldn't. However, as a mental health advocate it hurts me to know that there are other students across the world who feel like I do and struggle through school because they don't want to tell teachers. And if you're reading this and that's you, I encourage you to talk to a teacher or counselor about it. Most teachers are incredibly understanding about you needing extra time for things or needing to see them outside of class if necessary. It's something I learned to do for myself, and I'm going to have to learn to do it all over again when I make my journey to college.

I suppose I've just been hurting lately because the season is changing and I'm not fully prepared. I'm being tough on myself and I really shouldn't be. That's something else I learned...my depression runs with the weather like clockwork. I've also learned that sometimes I just need to take a step back, sit in my depression for a bit (this is usually when I sleep), and then push on. Occasionally I know I need to throw myself into a group of people and engage with them, despite how uncomfortable it might make me. I also feel upset lately because of social issues. It's hard having friends when they don't always know how to handle you. And unfortunately, my best friend is off at college so I don't see him as often. But he's always there for me and helps me when I need it.

To summarize this mess of a post, I want you to know that it's important to know your depression. It's somewhat easier to overcome another round when you know exactly what you're facing. Learn all about yours. Learn what really makes it flare up, or perhaps how often it comes around. Learn what makes you feel better. Learn who is going to be there for you when you truly need it. Learn more about how God's promises can give you comfort when you need it, because He will never break them. He will never leave you, sometimes He just gives you space to grow. 

Blessings and love to all of you,
Marissa Mayer


2 comments:

  1. Room to grow. I like that. Best wishes. Life has its highs and lows and the best we can do during the lows is to keep reaching and remembering the highs.

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    1. Thanks for the feedback! Sending love back to you :)

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