Wednesday, November 30, 2016

More Than Melancholy

Sorry it's late. Didn't have much for content yesterday, but today I feel like actual crap and the only thing I want to do right now is write about it.

My day began by dragging myself out of bed at 5 AM to go to a 6 AM practice for dance. Still exhausted, I put forth a somewhat positive attitude until about a half hour when I crashed. I didn't want to be there. My body didn't want to function. I had zero focus and little motivation. As the school day crept closer, I felt the intense need to go home, crawl back in bed, and sleep the day away.

The rest of my day was yet another roller coaster of ups and downs and everything in between. At the end of the day, it was down, and I can't even tell you how badly I want to get off this terrifying ride.

I hold back tears all day, I tell myself to "grow up" and just "get over it". I'm trying my best, but every day I look in the mirror and I hate what I see. I'm tired of seeing an emotional train wreck looking back at me. I don't like how worn down she looks. I hate the word negativity, but I see a big cloud of it surrounding me and contrary to Joyce Meyer's beliefs, it isn't that easy to "choose positivity" when your brain is chemically unbalanced. Depression is not a choice.

Some days I wonder just how long I'm gonna survive like this. Because, in all honesty, I've been on this earth for 17 years, feeling symptoms of depression for almost 6 of those years, and it just gets a little harder each day to believe that things will get better.  I count down the days until I am able to start medications and start the journey of finding a sense of balance.

I'm exhausted. What more can I say? The hot tears that roll down my face burn out of anger. I'm frustrated. I never know where to turn. I know the right answer is God's Word, but it seems so hard. The voice in my head always yells: "I didn't sign up for this, God!" And I'm mad because I'm doubting Him and I know I shouldn't.

This morning I had to remind myself to breathe. Most people know how to do that on their own without a second thought. Me? My head is like a never ending storm, tossing directions to my body left and right, telling it what it needs to do to live. In the meantime, the darkness shoves me deeper into a depression by shoving thoughts into my head that I don't even know how to articulate to you.

Getting out of bed is a chore that I dread. The weather makes me upset easily. I'm always overtired but anxiety keeps me awake. I run on coffee and music to get me through the day. I wish God didn't feel a million miles away sometimes. I sit on my bed, hug my knees to my chest, close my eyes that are brimming with tears, and rock back and forth, wishing the pain away.

I'm irritable. Angry. Sad. Frustrated. Self-hating. Stressed. I don't like looking to people for help because I feel like a burden. I don't want to live. I don't want to die. I'm just stuck surviving and it's exhausting.

I guess that's all really. Not sure where to go from here,
Marissa Mayer

Tuesday, November 22, 2016

11.21.16

Happy Monday (now Tuesday) to all of my wonderful viewers!

Written on 11.21.16:

Alright, so my day after the beginning of this post got exceedingly better. I learned a lot in my music theory class which really makes me more excited about majoring in K-12 Instrumental Music Education. Unfortunately, band wasn't that great, but I was surprised to see one of my college friends. It's been a while since I've seen him and it really made my day to see him again. English wasn't that great though- I was reminded of a project that I need to do with a group (on a side note, I have a strong hate for group projects because while they do teach you to work with others, coordinating time to do those projects while also being a busy teenager with sports, work...etc., is virtually impossible. Big s/o to Mr. Jurss for never assigning those. And on a side-side note, he might or might not have told me to include that last part).

On a better note (whole of "notes" today, sorry...), I simplified my second semester schedule by dropping my A.P. U.S. History class and changing to Economics. This will allow me to join choir, which is so much more beneficial to my major. Dance team is going okay too, I'm really seeing some positive gains in muscle growth and everything, which is really nice.

I also had the chance to spend some time with the friend I had gotten into that argument with. People seemed irritated that we worked things out because I had claimed to be "done" with the friendship. But is that really feasible? No. To clarify, I needed space to evaluate, reconsider, and most importantly, pray. My friend, best friend to be exact, has been a part of my life for 6 years. While I was angry/upset/emotional, it felt like I could walk away for good, but now I've learned that you don't give up on people you love (credit to Grey's Anatomy for that quote). We fought over silly things, but I prayed endlessly, and I believe that if God truly didn't want her in my life anymore, He wouldn't have brought us back together. The answer couldn't have been more clear- apologies made and accepted. Now, we move on.

I'm feeling good. I've been having trouble sleeping and getting out of bed in the morning, which is odd, but other than being exhausted, I've been enjoying life. Perhaps I'm just excited for Thanksgiving!

Really curious to know how all of you have been doing, so feel free to contact me through my email: marissa.mayer17@gmail.com or you can message me through the Depressed But Blessed Facebook page. As always, you can follow me on social media for more insight into my daily life.

I hope you all have a blessed Thanksgiving! I'm thankful for each and every one of you- for your continuous prayers, support, and love.

In His eternal love,
Marissa Mayer


Tuesday, November 15, 2016

Moods and Moons

Happy Tuesday! Sorry this is a day late...but I've got a lot to say, so let's see if I can formulate some of these past few days into words.

Okay, I don't know about all of you but for some reason, I dread Sunday afternoons. I always lose motivation to do the rest of my homework (or start it, but shh), and I'm sure I'm subconsciously upset that my weekend has come to an end. This past Sunday was no different. Shortly after receiving God's Word at worship, I became irritable, and laid on my bed for two hours. Not moving, just scrolling aimlessly through social media feeds. I had gotten into an argument with a friend and I knew that the best thing for myself was to walk away, take some space for awhile, and do what is best for me. At the time, however it didn't feel too good.

Upset, I knew that my depression was coming back. I ended up lashing out at my mom and spending most of the day crying in my room trying to take my mind off of whatever it seemed to be on. I felt terrible for acting the way I had and apologized to my mom. But the feeling inside didn't go away. I was excited to go back to school on Monday, just to be surrounded with my support system of people.

It'd be nice if I told you that Monday was great and I had a fabulous day. Well, it seems that would be too good to be true. I was fine for a few hours, but then it hit me like a semi-truck. The demons flew back and took their place in my mind, convincing me that I was terribly distraught by anything and everything in my life. I went to the bathroom, looked in the mirror, and immediately hated what I saw. In the mirror stood an over-emotional teenage girl who couldn't even control herself at school.

"Why must you do this to yourself?" I asked myself inside.
"You need to grow up and understand that you're better off dead..." 
"Look at how pathetic you are..."
"If only you weren't so scared to die and leave everything behind..."

Anxious, I walked around my school, trying to decide what to do. Before I knew it, I was in a teacher's classroom sobbing.

Now, let me tell you, there's nothing more embarrassing than crying to a teacher. Guess who's done it on multiple occasions? Me. Not really any of my proudest moments, but I mean, I guess it's a good sign that I can still acknowledge when I need help.

Thankfully, my teacher helped me through it and was of great help to me. I went to my next class with dry eyes and a heavy heart. One of my good friends tried her hardest to cheer me up by reminding me of God's promises and for some reason, it just felt so hard to believe in the moment. The darkness blocked out any hope I was trying so hard to see. Deep down I tried fighting them off until I became somewhat mentally exhausted.

Unfortunately, the feeling still simmered inside of me and I ended up going home. I went to see my little cousin Emma, who was quick to jump into my arms and wrap her legs around me. She didn't let go for a few minutes and nothing could have made me feel better. I got myself ice cream later, and went on with my day. Later, I realized it was a full moon around that time, and this could have had an effect on how terrible I felt. That, or seasonal depression making it's way back. But like I've been told, each day is a new day, and you just have to tell yourself it's gonna be a good one...and that leads me to this morning...

I hoped the next morning (today) would be better. When I woke up, I struggled to leave my bed. So I took a deep breath and said, "You're going to school, you're going to fight, and you're going to remember that Jesus endured this all for you." As it's now nearing 10 o'clock at night, I can't say I remember much about my day. School was adequate, and dance team was somewhat frustrating on a personal level. However, I held myself together decently, took hugs from those who offered, and kept myself busy enough to keep myself from thinking about anything other than school, music, or dance.

I also took St. John's wort supplements throughout the day to try and boost my mood. It's essentially an herbal pill that you take three times a day with food. If it's something you're interested in, I've read it's placebo for some people, but genuinely works for others. If you're taking any other medications, you might want to talk to a doctor first. 

I don't know...I guess this was a long post, but if you are somebody that encountered me yesterday and simply smiled, said hi, or gave me a hug, know that it is so greatly appreciated, and I cannot thank you enough for your gestures, prayers, and support.

Life's just a little crazy sometimes, but I'll make it out alright,
Marissa Mayer

Tuesday, November 8, 2016

11.8.16

Hey guys! Sorry this is a day late...

Don't have a lot to say really, but I fortunately I've been feeling really good. Last night I had the opportunity to go out to a classy dinner with friends and we had a lot of good laughs and deep talks. The whole night really reminded me of my blessings and it felt great to relax with fellow sisters in Christ.

I also started dance team again this week so I'm really focusing on getting back in shape. It's nice to be off of work for awhile and occupy my time with something else.

I've got a lot of tests/projects coming up, so I'm sorry for any inactivity on social media. I appreciate your support and endless prayers. If I have some content later this week, I'll be sure to share it with you all. Keep checking Twitter and Facebook for other updates.

Here's to a good week,
Marissa Mayer

Wednesday, November 2, 2016

11.2.16

Hey guys,

I know it's a Wednesday and I usually write on Mondays, but I just thought I'd let you know that Tuesday was a bit of a challenge. Thankfully, I woke up ready to go this morning and had a great day. It might have helped that I got some extra sleep last night too. The highs have been high and the lows have been low, but I'm thankful for it all. 

I'm slightly stressed, but not too worried because I know I'll get through it. On a more positive note, I received a scholarship from the college I'm planning to attend and I couldn't be more excited. Each day I am re-convinced that music is what I want to do, and I cannot wait to see God's plan in action.

Thank you so much for some of your recent feedback...I can't thank you enough. I hope you're all having a good week, and if not, let me know if you need some words of encouragement- I'll be praying!

Feeling good,
Marissa Mayer
XO