Tuesday, August 8, 2017

8.8.17

August 8th. Two weeks and one day until move in!

I guess you could say I'm really excited to start this new chapter of my life (cringe at my word choice there...wayyy too cliche).

Since the last time I've written, I've left my job and actually just became an independent sales consultant for Rodan & Fields. I'm very excited to start and if you're interested in the product or selling, feel free to contact me with any questions. I also have a link to my sales site on the right hand side of the page.

Following up from my last post, I've been doing pretty well.

I stopped drinking and I stopped talking to a lot of toxic people. If you've been thinking about clearing out a lot of snapchat friends, this is me telling you to DO IT!

It sounds really dumb to say and you'll probably roll your eyes, but social media has its positives and negatives. I'm sure you've heard it before.

I think that in a lot of ways I have witnessed its impact on myself. I will be the first to admit that I save my snap streaks every morning. I spend a lot of time scrolling Instagram, Facebook, Twitter, Snapchat stories...everything. And cutting out things I don't want to see is a step in the right direction I'm sure.

Other than that, not much else is new here. Unfortunately I'm still facing stomach issues and it is getting really irritating. Hopefully it comes to an end soon.

Hope you're all doing great! I'll be in touch soon.

Hanging in there,
Marissa Mayer

Friday, July 21, 2017

Coming Clean

Nearing the end of July here and I haven't written in over a month.

I have to be honest. Sitting down and blogging was not something I was interested in, I've held off on it forever. Why? Because I knew it would take a lot of coming clean and a lot of arranging my recent feelings. So I guess, before I start, I want you to know a few things and I plan on highlighting more points throughout. Here goes...

1. This probably won't be organized. I've been a mess forever, and so what you read is going to be exactly what came to my mind. Probably little to no editing.

2. I'm on my second point here and I'm already a mess. I guess I just want you to know that hopefully through reading this, you'll be reminded just how important it is to keep yourself a priority. You're constantly facing new challenges, and that doesn't make you selfish.

Okay. Deep breath.

I am seventeen years old. My birthday is in exactly two weeks. I move in to college in a month and two todays. I'm growing up. I'm learning. But I guess I forgot that sometimes you have to learn the hard way. And I guess that's what brings me here.

I stopped taking my medication for awhile. Bad decision. Why I did it? I'm not sure. I think it was a feeling of independence. I wanted to do it alone. Or maybe it's because sometimes (actually a lot of the time) I suck at making sure I'm taking proper care of myself and taking one pill a day was just "too much of a routine". Who knows...either way, it wasn't a smart decision.

3. Pro tip: take your meds. Even if you think you can skip it for awhile, or you're seemingly doing well without it right now, or whatever the case is...take them anyway! Don't mess with them without the guidance of your psychiatrist. 

Anyways, I started feeling like complete trash. Anxiety ate me down 6 pounds from my normal weight. I threw up every morning and didn't eat until evening. I drank Pedialytes and tried to keep my blood sugar up so I would be able to function.

And then I started hanging around people that weren't healthy for me. I started drinking (also not helpful with my stomach issues). I figured it was normal. It's what everyone my age seems to be doing (sidenote: that doesn't make it right!). I got drunk once or twice. Physical hangovers are no fun. Emotional hangovers hurt even worse.

I knew I didn't want to be doing it anymore. It didn't make me feel better. It made me feel worse. I looked in the mirror and saw that on the outside, I was prideful, but inside I was dying. I was changing...into somebody I hated.

4. People change. That's a fact. But those changes should never come at the price of your morals. You've probably heard it before, but you shouldn't change yourself to "fit in".

Not only was I disappointed in myself, but my choices ultimately hurt people who loved me. I almost lost my best friend. My head was a mess, my heart was broken, and I didn't know where to go. I was angry at myself. I stayed up late with my own thoughts and slept until most of the day was over. Repeat. Honestly, my sleep schedule is still a disaster! But like everything else, we're working on it.

5. Your choices come with consequences! I can't say it enough...it's something I had to learn the hard way...and still am continuing to be reminded of. You can lose people's trust, you can break relationships, and ultimately, you put yourself into a deep hole that is incredibly hard to climb out of.

I stopped going to church. I was so consumed by this divide I saw inside myself. Between what I knew was right and this sinful depressed side of me that wanted to lose all touch with everything I had ever known (sidenote: sinful and depressed are being used separately here!). I still haven't been back. But as I'm writing, and facing my feelings and actions on a page...

6. I know that my mistakes can't completely define me. I am a sinner. Yes, yes, yes...the guilt consumed me. My choices hurt. But, it doesn't end there. Forgiveness. I've come clean in this post, and I've also been made clean by the water and Word. Redeemed. 

I'm making church a priority this weekend. I'm excited to go. I've missed the comforting promises made and kept in His Word. I've missed the sweet taste of forgiveness at the rail next to my brothers and sisters in Christ.

Deep sigh of relief.

There it is. That's what's been keeping me from you for so long. I was afraid, ashamed, and ultimately unsure of how to approach it all. But I'm glad I did. Here's some of my plans as I continue to work on "bettering myself" (sidenote: I hate that phrase but it's the only thing I got right now).

* Return to church is a big step for me. A good step in the right direction this time.
* Continue blogging...as I reach the end here, I can't even begin to tell you how much better I feel.
* Take my medication every day. It's important!
* Work on some personal healthier habits to help my anxiety and stomach issues.
* Take more time for myself. Do things I find enjoyable.
* Spend more time with my family as I prepare to head off to college.
* Strengthen and make new friendships that will continue to push me in a positive direction.

Okay, looking back that list is very cliche. But we're going with it anyway.

Thank you. For your support. For letting me write. For praying for me...the list is endless.

I'll be back soon,
Marissa Mayer

Sunday, June 11, 2017

From Cuts to Calvary


I thought I'd be nice and give you just a glimpse of the beautiful view I have as I write this. I'm sitting on my dad's back deck. A nice cold glass of Diet Coke and the Chainsmokers new album playing on my shiny new MacBook Pro. 

Since the last time I've written, things have definitely changed.

I've been working quite a bit lately which is keeping me busy and helping earn some pocket cash for college...speaking of, I'm so excited about dorm shopping!

Other than that, I'm really enjoying summer thus far. Especially on nights like tonight when the weather is absolutely gorgeous. I could probably sit here forever. 

But I'd be lying if I said things were as perfect as my view tonight.

I recently found out that somebody very very close to me has been self harming. Upon finding out, my heart shattered in a million pieces. I was in shock, completely distraught. I hugged him for what felt like an eternity and it wasn't long enough. Like I've said many times before, I would never ever wish depression on my worst enemy. It's self destructive. A complete nightmare. And without help, it's even worse. 

I know that there are even more of you out there like this individual. While my scars are no longer visible, there are occasions when I can still feel the numbness on my upper thigh. Sometimes I get flashbacks of wincing through the initial breaking of skin, bandaids, and limping when I walked. My heart goes out to those of you who have struggled or continue to struggle with self-harm. You are beautiful despite your scars. You are loved by someone with His own scars. 

I titled this post "From Cuts to Calvary" because I recently thought about the crucifixion of Christ and just how physically unbearable that would be. Christ, because of His great love for you, was beaten and tormented...covered in countless wounds. For me. For you.

Nails pierced through His hands, a spear to the side. The sins of the entire world on the shoulders of the innocent One. Forsaken by His own Father, Jesus Christ did it all. The suffering, death, and resurrection of the Lamb gives us hope. 

Through Baptism, we are washed clean. Scars of sin, completely gone. Redeemed children, loved in such an unfathomable amount, we now given the gift of eternal life. We suffer now, but the pain is temporary, as He has prepared a place for us where our physical scars will be removed and our illness can no longer hurt us. 

The best part of it is this: none of that will never change. At your highest of highs and your lowest of lows, His promise of eternal life will never change. His inerrant Word remains true and His love everlasting. 

You have been healed, washed, and made new in the body of Christ. I pray that even on the darkest of days, you still remember that. 

To close up here, I have a lot of ideas running through my head. Having mental illness strike so close to home here again, I'm really really pushing even more awareness. I have some free time this week so hopefully I can do some more advertising and work with other mental health bloggers. In the meantime, I'm praying for all of you. 

Redeemed by the body and blood of Christ,
Marissa Mayer

Thursday, June 1, 2017

As Ready As I'll Ever Be

From my last post on May 1st to today a lot has happened. Now I'm back...and ready to share.

I've been almost hospitalized twice. Spent a few days drowning in my own tears. I saw some dangerous lows. But, that's not what I'm here to tell you about.

I'm here to tell you about the wonderful highs. The "blessed" part of my past month away from you.

I graduated from high school almost two weeks ago now. I still can't believe it. There were so many days when I was pretty certain I wouldn't make it that long. But I did. I grinned ear to ear upon receiving my diploma. The hard work paid off and for the first time in a long time, I was proud of myself.


I attended a ton of grad parties and soaked in the last of high school. I wore that smile for days following.

And now it's summer.

Thankfully the weather has been cooperating here in Wisconsin and I've been feeling pretty good. Since I've last written I started taking my medication normally. I only skipped one week for graduation so I could be more in touch with my feelings I guess you could say. I really wanted to experience the bittersweetness of saying goodbye and thankfully I was able to do just that. 

I also started seeing my counselor again so I can prepare myself for college, like how to handle the highs and lows of my depression. It's been so incredibly helpful...I walk out of each session feeling on top of the world. It's a real relief to get to talk to somebody and get helpful feedback about how to manage things. For those of you who don't have a counselor, I highly highly recommend seeing one. It makes a world of difference.

This summer is going to fly by as I prepare to take on college this fall. If you haven't already figured it out, I'm so excited.


So here I am. And if I'm being completely honest, I wasn't sure I was going to write anymore. I thought about giving it up and moving on, like I have before. But I can't. I need to write more than you need to even read this blog. It's an outlet and it's where I can see my crazy thoughts out in words. I cannot thank you all enough for sticking by me as I continue to fight. 

While I'll probably be a busy lady this summer, I plan on continuing to write. No promises that it will be on a weekly basis, but I'll try to do it as often as possible. If you haven't already, like Depressed But Blessed on Facebook or follow on Twitter (@depressbless). I'll be able to keep you all updated there! Also, check out my personal Instagram (@marii_mayy) or my VSCO (there's a link on the side!) for some pictures of what I'm up to. 

Hoping you're all doing well. So much love to all of you!

Blessings on top of blessings,
Marissa Mayer

Monday, May 1, 2017

5.1.17

Just returning for a post because I got some things I need to see in my own writing. 

Things lately have been anything but easy. Here it is again, my favorite "f" word...frustrating.

I'm pretty sure my medication isn't working the way it used to. I'm diligently taking it and it feels pretty pointless right now. All I do is sleep and wait for it to pass. This weekend was actually just a blur of crying and naps. 

I'm past feeling sorry for myself, I'm just angry. Things don't seem to go my way anymore. The most trivial things pile up in front of me to make an insurmountable wall. I'm sensitive to the things people say, and even to the tone in which they say it.

To make things worse, the weather has been very dreary here, which certainly does not make functioning any easier. I know my depression thrives on isolation, but I'm too tired to try and fix it. I have deadlines in front of me, social things that need to be confronted, a couple stressful things at work, and it's all just kind of a lot to take in right now.

Also, I've stepped back on my faith. Of course, I know this definitely doesn't make the situation any better, but it feels very empty. I haven't gone to church in two weeks and it's easy to get away with when my parents don't really enforce me to go. I don't take time to pray because it feels like a waste of my time. If I do, I yell at God just hoping He listens (which of course, I know deep down that He does).

Thankfully, I've got support. I've sent my best friend a couple long rants this weekend and needless to say, he's been awesome at reminding me that I'll be okay and that sometimes the best solution is to just eat some ice cream and wait it out. I also plan on calling my doctor sometime soon to discuss adjusting my medication. To try and help myself out a little, I try finding a couple things during the week that I'm looking forward to, and focus on those. Sometimes, I focus on other people and how they might rely on me. A good example is my little cousin Emma. Nothing makes me happier than seeing her sweet smile.

I also just got done reading a really good article about the destructive lies that depression likes to tell us. I've attached it below for you to read as well. 

Other than feeling pretty crappy, I'm getting a little excited as I graduate in 18 days! All I can say is, I made it and I'm beyond ready to start my path to becoming a music teacher.

I hope you all have a wonderful week. Maybe I'll be back soon. Until then, I guess I just gotta fight it.

Love,
Marissa Mayer

Tuesday, April 18, 2017

4.18.17

It's been over two weeks since I've last posted, and even today I'm still not sure I feel ready.

I simply don't have enough to say anymore. I lack content. The past year and a half of writing has been repetitive, I'm sure you've heard me say it all before. A lot of people tell me they too think of starting a blog, but it's actually super hard to maintain when you have zero motivation and even worse, nothing to write about.

The end of senior year is coming up fast and I'd be lying if I said I didn't feel prepared to let it all go. The past four years I've basically been begging for May 19th to come faster, but now, it's sinking in. I'm filled with excitement, fear, and some sadness at leaving this behind and moving ahead. On a brighter note, I met my roommate recently and so that takes a lot of anxiety off the table.

Also, as a PSA, I wouldn't watch 13 Reasons Why if you haven't already. I did, and the whole suicide scene made me sick and I felt terrible for two days. It's a lot to take in and I really wouldn't suggest it. It also puts up a whole new meaning to stigma...

Sorry this whole post is choppy...I'm feeling pretty empty. Wish I had more for you. I guess for now I'm just gonna take a little break until I can get back on track and figure out what I'm doing. You can always stay updated with my Instagram.

Love,
Marissa Mayer

Monday, April 3, 2017

Music & Mountains

Happy Monday! Sorry I haven't written in awhile, I just spent the last week on a 10 day tour with the band and choir out west to Las Vegas. Simply an amazing time and I can't wait to tell you about it. Also feel free to check out my Instagram or VSCO which should be updated soon with plenty of pictures!

The day we left I had no idea just how amazing it would be to see God work through both of our ensembles. But after every concert I left feeling just a little more convinced of His work. We sang, we played, we shared His Word with each audience and it genuinely filled me with complete joy and peace to be doing so.

I made countless memories, took an abundance of pictures, and felt pretty much on top of the world the entire time. I laughed until it hurt, strengthened tons of relationships, and overall, fell a little bit more in love with God's creation and my passion for music.

With each note, we filled the room with praise and the hope we have in the promises fulfilled by Him. One of our choral pieces is called "Neither Angels Nor Demons" and it's based of off Romans 8:38-39: "For I am convinced that neither death nor life, neither angels nor demons, neither the present nor the future, nor any powers, neither height nor depth, nor anything else in all creation, will be able to separate us from the love of God that is in Christ Jesus our Lord." Simply reading this text is enough to fill my soul with joy. Despite my sin and the terrible world we live in, absolutely nothing will alter God's love for us which is seen through Jesus's death on the cross. For you and for me, He died so that we might live with Him. That's the perfect summary of why we went on tour. No, it wasn't to necessarily have fun, but rather to share this message with everyone.

As I tweeted the other day, tour taught me two things. One, the love we have for one another, and two, the love that Christ has for us. The night of our concert in Las Vegas I met some kids from their band/choir and fell instantly in love. They were excited to meet me and take pictures. I'd be lying if I said it didn't make me even more excited to teach.

As for a mental health update, I stopped taking my medication on tour regularly. I was triggered into some anxiety for a little bit one night, but other than that, I felt great. However, now that I'm home and the post tour depression has kicked in, I should probably hop back on it.

It feels good to be back, but I can't believe how quickly time went the past week and a half. Spending my spring break with my favorite people truly was an experience I will never forget.

I truly hope you're all doing well. Continuous prayers.

In His love,
Marissa Mayer

Monday, March 20, 2017

Continually Humbled

Happy Monday! Sorry this is late, I had technical difficulties last week so let's hope things are working now...

One of the most beautiful things about being a blogger is this: I have the freedom to share my thoughts and experiences with the world, and sometimes the creativity actually comes before the typing. While on most occasions I type whatever comes to mind, there have been times when I hand write first. Physically holding my thoughts in front of me helps me cope with my feelings. It's completely personal, it's me.

Each day I sit in my A.P. Literature class and as it comes right after lunch, I tend to lose focus. Thus, that's when my creativity peaks (so I'm sure you can guess when this post was originally written). I'm always doodling or jotting down little notes to keep my mind busy (on another side note, I still do well in the class, so don't think I'm slacking too much!).

Anyways, as an update, I guess I'm doing okay. The side effects of medication were somewhat irritating at first, however they've definitely subsided. I'm getting more sleep, eating slightly less, and I haven't shed a tear once since, well...weeks ago. The lows just aren't as low anymore, so I feel like I'm just...content (I guess that's the only word I can think of). I saw my psychiatrist today and we decided to keep me on the same dosage and check in again later this year.

With this feeling of stability comes a sense of independence. I acknowledge that things are going well and have become slightly ignorant of my faith. It has seemed like I push God to the back burner and said, "hey thanks, I got it from here." Well, on Wednesday His Law set me right back in my place. The sermon was about Pontius Pilate and the releasing of Barabbas as the people sent Christ to the cross on Calvary. It was easy to think Pilate was terrible for allowing the crucifixion of an innocent man, but I was then reminded that I fall into the same category. My ignorance, my sins, the things I have left undone, and just my overall sinful, selfish, helpless self, all sent him to the cross too. So there I was...sitting in worship, and once again humbled at the reminder of my sins. Through His Word, He showed me that I deserved nothing but death, yet even though I sent Him to the cross, He continues to bless me daily on top of giving me salvation through my faith. And this is all done merely out of His love.

I am always finding myself in a cycle of feeling angry- as if God were not helping me, then being brought back around to remember I've been washed clean through baptism and He's done more for me than I can even fathom. As a human being, I am 100% sinner, therefore I can't even really grasp just how perfect Christ is and how wonderful His death and resurrection actually is. It never fails to be enough for me. Yet, I am 100% saint. Redeemed, loved, and given a life in eternity with Christ. Beautiful. Breathtaking. Life-giving.

As long as I have my faith, there's always that hope in Christ. On my own, I can do nothing. While I feel emotionally "content", the cross gives me everlasting joy. I am His and I will continue to bask in His love and overflowing blessings for now into eternity.

Love,
Marissa Mayer

Monday, March 6, 2017

3.6.17

Monday.

Here I am. Another week. And this time, I have some good news.

On Friday I saw a psychiatrist and was prescribed medication. I've been waiting forever to finally start being able to live a little more freely without constantly worrying about myself. Depression is feeling like your ten steps behind the rest of everyone else, and then anxiety makes you worry about it. Obsessively concerned about your own well-being when you know you really don't want to be.

I'm so excited to start this. Hopefully it eases the anxiety and allows me to function a little bit more like a normal person. Maybe I'll be able to focus better in class or get some more sleep. Whatever the results, I'm praying they make me feel a little more stabilized. Of course there are side effects, some of which have already kicked in. They're pretty manageable which is really nice since that's something I was originally a little scared of.

I also had a really good weekend. I worked on Saturday and then went to the symphony that evening with some friends. To top it off, I had a very relaxing Sunday and was able to worship with the band.

I'm so ready to start this journey. It's a relief knowing that I'm finally getting the help I need.

Praying you're all doing just as well. So incredibly blessed for your support. Thank you all, 18,000+ views and we're still going.

Incredibly blessed,
Marissa Mayer

Monday, February 27, 2017

2.27.17

Happy Monday! Here's to the start of another week and just a little update for you.

For those of you who don't already know, I play saxophone. I have been for 5 years and this weekend I played a solo at solo and ensemble. This is essentially an event where you get judged on your performance of a particular piece. Last year, I had gotten to the state level. This year, I worked even harder and was determined to make another trip to state, especially seeing it's my senior year.

I stood at the front of the room and introduced myself confidently. I knew this piece like the back of my hand and was more than prepared to do well. And I nailed it. I felt the music move and I was calm. The judge said some really positive things about my performance and then a little bit of critique which wasn't unusual. I left feeling confident and returned later only to see that I didn't make it to state.

I'm not going to lie, I cried. I sat in a Starbucks parking lot and sobbed. Beyond feeling like total trash about the fact that I didn't feel good enough, I recognized that it was somewhat stupid. Why did I feel so bad about this? I knew it was a relatively small problem, and I hated the fact that it felt so...big. Thankfully, a night well spent with my music family made me feel better (shoutout to my band/choir friends for your support).

On a brighter note, my dad has finally agreed to let me get some help. I have an appointment to see a psychiatrist in mid-March and I've never been more excited to receive treatment. I'm praying that that goes well.

Other than that, I guess life's been pretty uneventful. I filled out a scholarship application and I'm currently working on finding a roommate. I hope you all have a wonderful week! Sending love and prayers.

Love,
Marissa Mayer 

Wednesday, February 22, 2017

Saved By Consistency

I'm not sure what to say other than this: it's been a rough one.

Early last week I was upset by a handful of minor things. Life just seemed like too much again. Upset, I sat in my car and sobbed. On the way to my dad's, I could feel this overwhelming pain sitting inside me. My hands were shaky on the steering wheel. How easy it would be to crash my car. So easy. One quick movement and I could be on the side of the road, potentially unconscious, or dead.

Thankfully, I was still sane enough to know that this wasn't an okay state of mind to be in, and that I should get myself help. I called the suicide hotline and talked to a nice lady who got me through the rest of the ride home. Upon arriving at home, my dad gave me a hug and said he would find a doctor for me to see.

Again, on Thursday night, I couldn't get away from the weight of depression on my shoulders. It hurt. Tears flooded my eyes. When would the pain pass? My mom came into my room and asked if I needed help and I told her it just hurt to breathe and that I didn't want to live anymore. Worried, she asked me multiple times if she needed to take me into the hospital. I refused. The small bit of logic left in me said "No, you don't have time. You have things to do." Exhausted and sick, I fell asleep and ended up staying home the next day.

Over the course of the week, I've received so much love and support from my family, friends, and classmates. On Monday I went out to lunch with a friend of mine who is like a big sister to me. She's simply amazing and I cannot express how appreciative I am for the time we spent together. On top of that, I got texts and phone calls from people making sure I'm okay and telling me to feel better.

*Side note: I've had a really terrible cold for a week too. Lots of coughing, congestion, sinus headaches, and the occasional fever. Thankfully I'm feeling better today*

Yesterday I saw a post on Facebook that read this:

"I believe in God. Not because my parents told me to. Not because my church told me to. But because I've experienced Him."

I did a lot of thinking and this is where I stand. I don't need to "experience" God to know He's real or to believe in Him. He blessed me with the faith through Baptism and His Word. He has redeemed me and calls me His own. I don't "feel God"... I trust in Him because His Word told me to! God fulfills His promises because that's His perfect nature. He is consistently good to me even when I don't deserve it. Sins? Now forgiven. Death? Now life. He doesn't change, even when things get hard for me. Even when this world turns upside down, and I'm ready to call it quits, God still provides for me, loves me, and saves me.

That's the beautiful thing about depression, I guess. Once I reach rock-bottom, there's nowhere else to go but up and out, even if it takes awhile. When I'm sitting in the shadows, God never fails to take me by the hand and make sure I get out of it. That's not an "experience", that's a promise. Fulfilled. And if you still think you need to "feel God" to have a relationship with Him, I encourage you to check out His Word and see what He's already done and continues to do for you!

Even though my depression is always changing, my God is forever faithful. I am saved by His constant love and forgiveness of my sins. 

For I have been saved by grace through faith,
Marissa Mayer

Monday, February 13, 2017

Love Yourself?

In my last post, I referenced my idea of some good theological thoughts I wanted to share regarding love. And seeing Valentine's Day is coming up, it seemed appropriate for today. So here it is.

I can't count the amount of times I've seen tweets/posts about people saying: You have to love yourself first before you can love somebody else. 

This statement brought a lot of questions to my mind lately. First, what does loving yourself even mean?

For those of you who know me personally, I'm sure you could probably make a list of characteristics that you love about me. But when I think of love, in the context of myself, I think it's virtually impossible at first glance. Why? Because first and foremost, I am a sinner. I am disobedient all the time and constantly fall short of God's Law. I lie, I covet, I disrespect my parents. The list of sins is endless. Not only that, but I was completely dead in my sins. I'm so terrible, I can't actually even make the decision to believe in God to try and help myself. Looks like I'm in pretty rough shape, doesn't it?

That's where the real love comes in. Jesus Christ. The perfect definition of love was through His sacrifice on the cross, as He laid down His life for His bride, the Church. That's me! A part of the body of believers, I was in desperate need of salvation (remember, I'm 100% dead in my sins). Perfectly fulfilling the Law, Jesus served as the atoning sacrifice. Despite every atrocious sin I have committed and will ever commit, He loved me enough to bear the burden of my sins on the cross. Every time I screw up, I am forgiven. 

Love...it's not about me. It's all about Him. When I look in the mirror each day, instead of saying, "Wow I love myself", I should remember my baptism, and how by His grace, the sinner in me is drowned each and every day. I can look in the mirror and say, "The God who created me, loves me. Enough to send His Son to save a poor, miserable sinner like me." That's where the beauty is. I don't necessarily "love myself" but I sure do love Christ who has renewed my heart and set me free from the bondage of sin, death, and the devil.

This weekend, I again had the opportunity to kneel at the rail next to my band family, and let me tell you, being able to partake in the body and blood of Christ, it never fails to amaze me. His love, His grace, His endless mercy, never fails. It is always sufficient. And that, my friends, is true love.

A sinner, made righteous by His unchanging love,
Marissa Mayer

Galatians 2:20
I have been crucified with Christ. It is no longer I who live, but Christ who lives in me. And the life I now live in the flesh I live by faith in the Son of God, who loved me and gave himself for me.

Romans 8:38-39
For I am sure that neither death nor life, nor angels nor rulers, nor things present nor things to come, nor powers, nor height nor depth, nor anything else in all creation, will be able to separate us from the love of God in Christ Jesus our Lord. 

Romans 5:8
But God shows his love for us in that while we were still sinners, Christ died for us.


Monday, February 6, 2017

It's The Small Stuff

Another Monday.

I apologize for not writing last week, I'm pretty stressed. I had a good post idea in mind, regarding some cool theological stuff that had crossed my mind, so perhaps I'll get around to pulling that together for you sometime this week. No guarantees.

I'm preparing for a music scholarship audition on Saturday and I'm getting a little nervous. On a brighter note, I dropped A.P. Calculus for a study hall, so now my schedule is so much easier for me and there's a lot less stress on my plate.

I guess I was doing pretty well. I kept busy with music stuff, school, and work, so my mind didn't have time to wander. And then there was Sunday. My least favorite day of the week.

I didn't go to church yesterday (that's my plan for tonight), and I didn't do all that much. Sundays for me are always terrible because it's the end of the weekend and I come face to face with the realization that another hectic week lies ahead. I went to bed feeling kind of emotionally unstable (there's genuinely no good way for me to describe it) and had hope that a new morning was ahead of me.

Except it wasn't.

I woke up to the sound of my alarm, moaned, and shut it off. From the moment my body had woken up, I felt it. The presence of weight on my shoulders and just an overall heaviness on my chest. I slept longer than I should have, and finally managed to roll out of bed. This whole getting up every day, is sometimes a challenge in itself, making the day ahead even worse.

My first two morning classes are band and choir so I hoped that would cheer me up. My director selected my favorite band piece to work on today, but I couldn't get myself into the right musical frame of mind to shape the music and play it appropriately. On top of that, I was having technical difficulties with my instrument. Choir was a little better, but not by much. I'm sick with a cold so I couldn't hear myself sing very well, and it was frustrating.

Writing all of this now, I feel like all of these stupid little things should be nothing. But they aren't. To me, they're challenges that add up to irritate me. I'm getting tired of it. I also am losing a lot of motivation to write again because my blog has lately become my outlet for complaining, which I know isn't good content at all.

It is the small stuff. It bothers me to no end and I'm working so hard on finding the strength to push it away, but the weight is just a little too much today. So I guess for now, I'll let this be a crummy day, and start again tomorrow. Hopefully going to church tonight makes me feel better. Sorry this post is a mess.

Love,
Marissa Mayer

Monday, January 23, 2017

A Little Too Deep

Wow. Another Monday has come around. Time certainly is flying by.

Not a whole lot going on here...I had a wonderful time singing with my chamber choir family at church yesterday. I genuinely love being able to worship with such wonderful friends who all share such a deep passion for music.

Unfortunately, yesterday went south shortly thereafter. Not only did the Packers lose, but I felt hurt by some friends. I went to a get-together with a really positive mindset and was ready to have an enjoyable time. It was okay for awhile, but being as sensitive as I am, I was let down when things came up in conversation that didn't need to be talked about. I immediately felt left out, and as if I were standing on my own side of the fence. I became overly observant of the way things were said or I dug too deep into the context of their words. Ultimately, I let myself care about things I should have ignored. Classic anxiety. Making life a little more difficult than necessary.

Maybe you've had people tell you to let it all "roll off your shoulders". Well, anxiety makes your shoulders flat, therefore everything sits there until you find the strength to push it off. Here's a good resource I read, just in case you don't understand my perspective: http://www.calmclinic.com/anxiety/symptoms/close-irritability

Needless to say, I left. I sat at home alone, crying because I was angry. Crying because I was upset and confused. A little while later my best friend came over and we worked on homework, listened to music, and had a good (and productive) time together.

I interrupt this post for a small shoutout:

Meg, if you read this, I just wanna remind you how much I love you, and how wonderful you've been to me these past 6 years. You're my rock, my favorite hug, my reason to laugh, and a beautiful sister in Christ. You're one of the reasons I stay when life gets hard. I thank God everyday to have you in my life, for listening to me, wiping my tears, making memories with me, and eating way too much Taco Bell with me.

I resume:

To summarize, I let myself get a little too deep into things that should simply be irrelevant. I let my anxiety get the best of me, and cared too much about what others think of me. While I can't say that I've completely pushed the small stuff off my shoulders, I was blessed to have somebody help get my mind off of it and pull me out of some frustrating water that I had gotten myself into.


Gonna be a busy week for me, so check out my Instagram for some fun pictures of what I'll be up to. The link is on the right hand side under "Follow Me"- just click the Instagram logo!


Here's to a lot of deep breaths and conquering the week that lies ahead of me,
Marissa Mayer

Tuesday, January 17, 2017

Full Moon, Full Mind

Another week in which Monday slips out from under me...my apologies for not writing.

Today I had off of school due to icy roads. It felt rather good to catch up on sleep. Being completely honest, I haven't done much today but watch Netflix and eat. However, it's nice to just have the day to myself. 

The past week has been okay, I suppose. The highs are high, the lows are low. It's been a ride for me. On Saturday I performed with the dance team for the last time and upon leaving the floor, I cried. Doing the right thing for myself has never been so conflicting. It was a blessing to fall in love with dance, but I know it will also be a greater blessing to move on and be a lot less stressed.

The full moon also brought out the worst of my depression towards the end of the week. I sat in my room and cried. I didn't know why I was so upset. My heart was heavy and I hugged my knees up to chest and held on. I went for a drive and that's when I began talking. Praying, rather. The first emotion that came out was anger. The anger had enveloped my confusion about what God was doing in my life. My mental illness never fails to remind me constantly about how irritating it is, or make me wonder why I have to live with it. Hot tears filled my eyes because my frustration made me feel guilty with the other part of me that knows just how good God truly has been to me. Conflicted, the anger passed and it became sadness. Weak was my faith...little was my complete trust in the One who made me. 

Disappointed in myself, I did a devotion, said another prayer, and slept it off. Another morning, a new day before me. How refreshing it is to wake up, another day in which I have been forgiven. 

I know this post is once again, a mess, but it feels good to get this off my chest. 

Much love to you,
Marissa Mayer

Thursday, January 12, 2017

Silent Suffering

Okay, so I know I've already written this week, but I have a lot on my mind right now and I just need to get it out.

First, this whole post will probably be a disaster and completely disorganized as I am currently finishing up an anxiety attack (the exhaustion is soon to follow, of course).

I'm not even sure what triggered it, probably nothing. Usually I can pinpoint something, but I really can't this time, and it's frustrating that it just hit me like a train. I was sitting in chapel, and right before it started, it was like my breath was taken away. My body temperature felt like it was rising, my face felt flushed, and I nervously started playing with my hands. I was definitely not prepared. I sat silently trying to focus on the wonderful message the pastor had, but obviously the anxiety had pretty much told me that there was no way I would be dedicated to listening. I struggled to find air and I grasped my hands tightly wondering when it was going to end. The timing was irritating, as I wasn't actually going to get up and leave, yet probably somewhat of a blessing because I was also receiving God's Word at the same time. Thankfully, looking back, I can say that I found at least some comfort in the parts of the message that I did hear.

Even though I've been writing this blog for the past year and a half, I cannot actually describe the depth of one of these attacks to those of you who don't really know what it's like. My eyes swelled with tears but I held it all in because there was no way that I was going to start crying in chapel. The word "help" ran through my brain at an insanely fast rate and all I could think was: "why right now?"

I'm going to use my favorite word again and say that I was (actually, still am) frustrated. I feel this urge to blame the attack on myself, or that I didn't really do anything to "snap out of it", therefore making it all my fault. I had been doing really well (as I said in my post the other day) and nothing killed my progress like what just happened to me. I'm also upset because after an attack, I get extremely tired and want nothing to do with the rest of the day. Unfortunately, I still have to go to 5 more classes after this study hall and go to work after school. *insert deep breath here*





*...and release*

I'm tired, my body is now weak, and silence has overwhelmed me (which is irritating because two hours ago, I was completely fine and as energetic as ever). Not looking forward to tackling the rest of the day. But, I guess I just have to take it minute by minute until it's over and set my eyes upon the day that awaits me tomorrow. Trying to find hope that the rest of today can get better too.

Trying my best to remember His peace given to me,
Marissa Mayer

Tuesday, January 10, 2017

1.10.17

Good morning everyone. Sorry I didn't write last night, I was up late writing a paper. This should just be a quick update for all of you, as life has been going pretty well for me lately!

School is back in session and I'm adjusting to my new schedule. Hard to believe that I have less than five months left here...senior year truly is flying by for me. On that note, I'm excited to begin my life at college, and it became a little more real as I submitted a music scholarship application last week. I've never been so sure about anything as I am about teaching music.

As for this week, it's gonna be a busy one! I've got work tonight and some pep bands later this week. On Saturday I'm looking forward to my last performance to end my dance career, even though it was a little earlier than planned (for those of you who read my post about quitting- Letting Go, For Me- I agreed to stay for the competition performance, although I didn't make note of that). I'm anticipating that I'll probably feel some pain, as I had fallen in love with performing, but I'm praying that the peace and new ease of my schedule will be of greater appreciation.

Other than being excited about the second semester of school, I've been doing well. I've made it more of a point to do my devotions and make a list of prayer requests. I'm devoting more personal time to God and it feels really good to be doing something so beneficial to my mental health.

I thank you so much for the recent amount of views I've been receiving. Through your support I'm seeing endless hope and promises for this blog. There's nothing I love more than being able to share my journey with you. I hope you all have a wonderful week, and feel free to contact me with any questions/prayer requests.

Love,
Marissa Mayer

Sunday, January 1, 2017

New Year, Same Depression

Hey everyone, so for not writing this past Monday. I had thought about it, but I didn't have much for content and just wasn't feeling it. Anyways, I hope you all had a wonderful Christmas with your families and friends, and now as I edit this draft, a happy new year!

I guess my Christmas break has been somewhat uneventful. I've been keeping busy with work, which is good I guess. I've spent a lot of valuable time with my best friend and it's been nice to get some "me time". But today (written from 12.30.16) was probably the worst day I've had in a long time...

I woke up and I could feel the weight of impending loneliness sitting on my shoulders. I went to my dad's earlier this morning and ended up taking a two hour nap. I watched a ton of T.V. and shockingly stayed off of most social media which was probably a good thing. I was in the middle of watching a movie when my heart began pounding, my eyes began to swell with tears, and it felt like my lungs couldn't fill with air fast enough. I tried to move but my body was a deadweight. Help. Help. Help. I whispered to myself. I need help. I prayed in short segments, trying to trust that God would hear my pleas (little did I know that He would give me a clear answer later). Shortly after my anxiety attack ended, I felt exhaustion sweep over me again.

(Revisited 1.1.17) Later, I was able to head back to my mom's and I knew that things wouldn't get better by sitting in my room all night. I asked my mom if we could do something to keep my mind busy. We went out to dinner with my aunt, uncle, and my cousins (of course, Emma was there) and had to make a quick stop at the store. I thought I was doing better, but I guess I wasn't. My head spun and I shut down. I was quiet, my heart ached, and I was irritated that I couldn't even push it all away to be in a decent mood while with my family. We were walking down an aisle in the store when Emma ran up behind me and grabbed my hand. She looked up at me with her beautiful brown eyes and said: "I love you Marissa".

I smiled and felt peace wash over me. There was my answer. The pain, the tears, the brokenness, it's all something that Emma doesn't really know about, yet God used her to bring a smile to my face. I've probably said it a million times, but that girl might be the biggest reason I fight so hard. I know the love of Christ through His suffering and death on the cross for me, and I cannot express how amazing it is that He continues to bless me everyday in despite of all my wrongdoings and shortcomings. He has promised me the gift of eternal life, and continues to show me His love daily through the little things...even through the bright brown eyes of my favorite five year old.

Upon entering the new year, I've become rather excited. Throughout the course of 2017 I will graduate high school, become a legal adult, and move into college. While I can't wait for what the future holds for me, I'm going to be honest and admit that I'm also a little apprehensive about my mental health along the way. However, I'm quick to remind myself that we just gotta take it one day at a time and breathe. And while I don't think my depression is going to change its nasty ways any time soon, I can rest in the comfort that my God never changes. Still saved. Still blessed.

Speaking of blessings, I thank you so much for helping me reach 16,000 views. Depressed But Blessed has become a wonderful outlet for me, and I hope a blessing to you throughout the past year and a half.

Here's to a new year, the same wonderful blessings, and beyond. May God grant you His peace.

Marissa Mayer
xx