Monday, January 23, 2017

A Little Too Deep

Wow. Another Monday has come around. Time certainly is flying by.

Not a whole lot going on here...I had a wonderful time singing with my chamber choir family at church yesterday. I genuinely love being able to worship with such wonderful friends who all share such a deep passion for music.

Unfortunately, yesterday went south shortly thereafter. Not only did the Packers lose, but I felt hurt by some friends. I went to a get-together with a really positive mindset and was ready to have an enjoyable time. It was okay for awhile, but being as sensitive as I am, I was let down when things came up in conversation that didn't need to be talked about. I immediately felt left out, and as if I were standing on my own side of the fence. I became overly observant of the way things were said or I dug too deep into the context of their words. Ultimately, I let myself care about things I should have ignored. Classic anxiety. Making life a little more difficult than necessary.

Maybe you've had people tell you to let it all "roll off your shoulders". Well, anxiety makes your shoulders flat, therefore everything sits there until you find the strength to push it off. Here's a good resource I read, just in case you don't understand my perspective: http://www.calmclinic.com/anxiety/symptoms/close-irritability

Needless to say, I left. I sat at home alone, crying because I was angry. Crying because I was upset and confused. A little while later my best friend came over and we worked on homework, listened to music, and had a good (and productive) time together.

I interrupt this post for a small shoutout:

Meg, if you read this, I just wanna remind you how much I love you, and how wonderful you've been to me these past 6 years. You're my rock, my favorite hug, my reason to laugh, and a beautiful sister in Christ. You're one of the reasons I stay when life gets hard. I thank God everyday to have you in my life, for listening to me, wiping my tears, making memories with me, and eating way too much Taco Bell with me.

I resume:

To summarize, I let myself get a little too deep into things that should simply be irrelevant. I let my anxiety get the best of me, and cared too much about what others think of me. While I can't say that I've completely pushed the small stuff off my shoulders, I was blessed to have somebody help get my mind off of it and pull me out of some frustrating water that I had gotten myself into.


Gonna be a busy week for me, so check out my Instagram for some fun pictures of what I'll be up to. The link is on the right hand side under "Follow Me"- just click the Instagram logo!


Here's to a lot of deep breaths and conquering the week that lies ahead of me,
Marissa Mayer

Tuesday, January 17, 2017

Full Moon, Full Mind

Another week in which Monday slips out from under me...my apologies for not writing.

Today I had off of school due to icy roads. It felt rather good to catch up on sleep. Being completely honest, I haven't done much today but watch Netflix and eat. However, it's nice to just have the day to myself. 

The past week has been okay, I suppose. The highs are high, the lows are low. It's been a ride for me. On Saturday I performed with the dance team for the last time and upon leaving the floor, I cried. Doing the right thing for myself has never been so conflicting. It was a blessing to fall in love with dance, but I know it will also be a greater blessing to move on and be a lot less stressed.

The full moon also brought out the worst of my depression towards the end of the week. I sat in my room and cried. I didn't know why I was so upset. My heart was heavy and I hugged my knees up to chest and held on. I went for a drive and that's when I began talking. Praying, rather. The first emotion that came out was anger. The anger had enveloped my confusion about what God was doing in my life. My mental illness never fails to remind me constantly about how irritating it is, or make me wonder why I have to live with it. Hot tears filled my eyes because my frustration made me feel guilty with the other part of me that knows just how good God truly has been to me. Conflicted, the anger passed and it became sadness. Weak was my faith...little was my complete trust in the One who made me. 

Disappointed in myself, I did a devotion, said another prayer, and slept it off. Another morning, a new day before me. How refreshing it is to wake up, another day in which I have been forgiven. 

I know this post is once again, a mess, but it feels good to get this off my chest. 

Much love to you,
Marissa Mayer

Thursday, January 12, 2017

Silent Suffering

Okay, so I know I've already written this week, but I have a lot on my mind right now and I just need to get it out.

First, this whole post will probably be a disaster and completely disorganized as I am currently finishing up an anxiety attack (the exhaustion is soon to follow, of course).

I'm not even sure what triggered it, probably nothing. Usually I can pinpoint something, but I really can't this time, and it's frustrating that it just hit me like a train. I was sitting in chapel, and right before it started, it was like my breath was taken away. My body temperature felt like it was rising, my face felt flushed, and I nervously started playing with my hands. I was definitely not prepared. I sat silently trying to focus on the wonderful message the pastor had, but obviously the anxiety had pretty much told me that there was no way I would be dedicated to listening. I struggled to find air and I grasped my hands tightly wondering when it was going to end. The timing was irritating, as I wasn't actually going to get up and leave, yet probably somewhat of a blessing because I was also receiving God's Word at the same time. Thankfully, looking back, I can say that I found at least some comfort in the parts of the message that I did hear.

Even though I've been writing this blog for the past year and a half, I cannot actually describe the depth of one of these attacks to those of you who don't really know what it's like. My eyes swelled with tears but I held it all in because there was no way that I was going to start crying in chapel. The word "help" ran through my brain at an insanely fast rate and all I could think was: "why right now?"

I'm going to use my favorite word again and say that I was (actually, still am) frustrated. I feel this urge to blame the attack on myself, or that I didn't really do anything to "snap out of it", therefore making it all my fault. I had been doing really well (as I said in my post the other day) and nothing killed my progress like what just happened to me. I'm also upset because after an attack, I get extremely tired and want nothing to do with the rest of the day. Unfortunately, I still have to go to 5 more classes after this study hall and go to work after school. *insert deep breath here*





*...and release*

I'm tired, my body is now weak, and silence has overwhelmed me (which is irritating because two hours ago, I was completely fine and as energetic as ever). Not looking forward to tackling the rest of the day. But, I guess I just have to take it minute by minute until it's over and set my eyes upon the day that awaits me tomorrow. Trying to find hope that the rest of today can get better too.

Trying my best to remember His peace given to me,
Marissa Mayer

Tuesday, January 10, 2017

1.10.17

Good morning everyone. Sorry I didn't write last night, I was up late writing a paper. This should just be a quick update for all of you, as life has been going pretty well for me lately!

School is back in session and I'm adjusting to my new schedule. Hard to believe that I have less than five months left here...senior year truly is flying by for me. On that note, I'm excited to begin my life at college, and it became a little more real as I submitted a music scholarship application last week. I've never been so sure about anything as I am about teaching music.

As for this week, it's gonna be a busy one! I've got work tonight and some pep bands later this week. On Saturday I'm looking forward to my last performance to end my dance career, even though it was a little earlier than planned (for those of you who read my post about quitting- Letting Go, For Me- I agreed to stay for the competition performance, although I didn't make note of that). I'm anticipating that I'll probably feel some pain, as I had fallen in love with performing, but I'm praying that the peace and new ease of my schedule will be of greater appreciation.

Other than being excited about the second semester of school, I've been doing well. I've made it more of a point to do my devotions and make a list of prayer requests. I'm devoting more personal time to God and it feels really good to be doing something so beneficial to my mental health.

I thank you so much for the recent amount of views I've been receiving. Through your support I'm seeing endless hope and promises for this blog. There's nothing I love more than being able to share my journey with you. I hope you all have a wonderful week, and feel free to contact me with any questions/prayer requests.

Love,
Marissa Mayer

Sunday, January 1, 2017

New Year, Same Depression

Hey everyone, so for not writing this past Monday. I had thought about it, but I didn't have much for content and just wasn't feeling it. Anyways, I hope you all had a wonderful Christmas with your families and friends, and now as I edit this draft, a happy new year!

I guess my Christmas break has been somewhat uneventful. I've been keeping busy with work, which is good I guess. I've spent a lot of valuable time with my best friend and it's been nice to get some "me time". But today (written from 12.30.16) was probably the worst day I've had in a long time...

I woke up and I could feel the weight of impending loneliness sitting on my shoulders. I went to my dad's earlier this morning and ended up taking a two hour nap. I watched a ton of T.V. and shockingly stayed off of most social media which was probably a good thing. I was in the middle of watching a movie when my heart began pounding, my eyes began to swell with tears, and it felt like my lungs couldn't fill with air fast enough. I tried to move but my body was a deadweight. Help. Help. Help. I whispered to myself. I need help. I prayed in short segments, trying to trust that God would hear my pleas (little did I know that He would give me a clear answer later). Shortly after my anxiety attack ended, I felt exhaustion sweep over me again.

(Revisited 1.1.17) Later, I was able to head back to my mom's and I knew that things wouldn't get better by sitting in my room all night. I asked my mom if we could do something to keep my mind busy. We went out to dinner with my aunt, uncle, and my cousins (of course, Emma was there) and had to make a quick stop at the store. I thought I was doing better, but I guess I wasn't. My head spun and I shut down. I was quiet, my heart ached, and I was irritated that I couldn't even push it all away to be in a decent mood while with my family. We were walking down an aisle in the store when Emma ran up behind me and grabbed my hand. She looked up at me with her beautiful brown eyes and said: "I love you Marissa".

I smiled and felt peace wash over me. There was my answer. The pain, the tears, the brokenness, it's all something that Emma doesn't really know about, yet God used her to bring a smile to my face. I've probably said it a million times, but that girl might be the biggest reason I fight so hard. I know the love of Christ through His suffering and death on the cross for me, and I cannot express how amazing it is that He continues to bless me everyday in despite of all my wrongdoings and shortcomings. He has promised me the gift of eternal life, and continues to show me His love daily through the little things...even through the bright brown eyes of my favorite five year old.

Upon entering the new year, I've become rather excited. Throughout the course of 2017 I will graduate high school, become a legal adult, and move into college. While I can't wait for what the future holds for me, I'm going to be honest and admit that I'm also a little apprehensive about my mental health along the way. However, I'm quick to remind myself that we just gotta take it one day at a time and breathe. And while I don't think my depression is going to change its nasty ways any time soon, I can rest in the comfort that my God never changes. Still saved. Still blessed.

Speaking of blessings, I thank you so much for helping me reach 16,000 views. Depressed But Blessed has become a wonderful outlet for me, and I hope a blessing to you throughout the past year and a half.

Here's to a new year, the same wonderful blessings, and beyond. May God grant you His peace.

Marissa Mayer
xx