Tuesday, January 17, 2017

Full Moon, Full Mind

Another week in which Monday slips out from under me...my apologies for not writing.

Today I had off of school due to icy roads. It felt rather good to catch up on sleep. Being completely honest, I haven't done much today but watch Netflix and eat. However, it's nice to just have the day to myself. 

The past week has been okay, I suppose. The highs are high, the lows are low. It's been a ride for me. On Saturday I performed with the dance team for the last time and upon leaving the floor, I cried. Doing the right thing for myself has never been so conflicting. It was a blessing to fall in love with dance, but I know it will also be a greater blessing to move on and be a lot less stressed.

The full moon also brought out the worst of my depression towards the end of the week. I sat in my room and cried. I didn't know why I was so upset. My heart was heavy and I hugged my knees up to chest and held on. I went for a drive and that's when I began talking. Praying, rather. The first emotion that came out was anger. The anger had enveloped my confusion about what God was doing in my life. My mental illness never fails to remind me constantly about how irritating it is, or make me wonder why I have to live with it. Hot tears filled my eyes because my frustration made me feel guilty with the other part of me that knows just how good God truly has been to me. Conflicted, the anger passed and it became sadness. Weak was my faith...little was my complete trust in the One who made me. 

Disappointed in myself, I did a devotion, said another prayer, and slept it off. Another morning, a new day before me. How refreshing it is to wake up, another day in which I have been forgiven. 

I know this post is once again, a mess, but it feels good to get this off my chest. 

Much love to you,
Marissa Mayer

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