Sunday, January 1, 2017

New Year, Same Depression

Hey everyone, so for not writing this past Monday. I had thought about it, but I didn't have much for content and just wasn't feeling it. Anyways, I hope you all had a wonderful Christmas with your families and friends, and now as I edit this draft, a happy new year!

I guess my Christmas break has been somewhat uneventful. I've been keeping busy with work, which is good I guess. I've spent a lot of valuable time with my best friend and it's been nice to get some "me time". But today (written from 12.30.16) was probably the worst day I've had in a long time...

I woke up and I could feel the weight of impending loneliness sitting on my shoulders. I went to my dad's earlier this morning and ended up taking a two hour nap. I watched a ton of T.V. and shockingly stayed off of most social media which was probably a good thing. I was in the middle of watching a movie when my heart began pounding, my eyes began to swell with tears, and it felt like my lungs couldn't fill with air fast enough. I tried to move but my body was a deadweight. Help. Help. Help. I whispered to myself. I need help. I prayed in short segments, trying to trust that God would hear my pleas (little did I know that He would give me a clear answer later). Shortly after my anxiety attack ended, I felt exhaustion sweep over me again.

(Revisited 1.1.17) Later, I was able to head back to my mom's and I knew that things wouldn't get better by sitting in my room all night. I asked my mom if we could do something to keep my mind busy. We went out to dinner with my aunt, uncle, and my cousins (of course, Emma was there) and had to make a quick stop at the store. I thought I was doing better, but I guess I wasn't. My head spun and I shut down. I was quiet, my heart ached, and I was irritated that I couldn't even push it all away to be in a decent mood while with my family. We were walking down an aisle in the store when Emma ran up behind me and grabbed my hand. She looked up at me with her beautiful brown eyes and said: "I love you Marissa".

I smiled and felt peace wash over me. There was my answer. The pain, the tears, the brokenness, it's all something that Emma doesn't really know about, yet God used her to bring a smile to my face. I've probably said it a million times, but that girl might be the biggest reason I fight so hard. I know the love of Christ through His suffering and death on the cross for me, and I cannot express how amazing it is that He continues to bless me everyday in despite of all my wrongdoings and shortcomings. He has promised me the gift of eternal life, and continues to show me His love daily through the little things...even through the bright brown eyes of my favorite five year old.

Upon entering the new year, I've become rather excited. Throughout the course of 2017 I will graduate high school, become a legal adult, and move into college. While I can't wait for what the future holds for me, I'm going to be honest and admit that I'm also a little apprehensive about my mental health along the way. However, I'm quick to remind myself that we just gotta take it one day at a time and breathe. And while I don't think my depression is going to change its nasty ways any time soon, I can rest in the comfort that my God never changes. Still saved. Still blessed.

Speaking of blessings, I thank you so much for helping me reach 16,000 views. Depressed But Blessed has become a wonderful outlet for me, and I hope a blessing to you throughout the past year and a half.

Here's to a new year, the same wonderful blessings, and beyond. May God grant you His peace.

Marissa Mayer
xx


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