Wednesday, February 22, 2017

Saved By Consistency

I'm not sure what to say other than this: it's been a rough one.

Early last week I was upset by a handful of minor things. Life just seemed like too much again. Upset, I sat in my car and sobbed. On the way to my dad's, I could feel this overwhelming pain sitting inside me. My hands were shaky on the steering wheel. How easy it would be to crash my car. So easy. One quick movement and I could be on the side of the road, potentially unconscious, or dead.

Thankfully, I was still sane enough to know that this wasn't an okay state of mind to be in, and that I should get myself help. I called the suicide hotline and talked to a nice lady who got me through the rest of the ride home. Upon arriving at home, my dad gave me a hug and said he would find a doctor for me to see.

Again, on Thursday night, I couldn't get away from the weight of depression on my shoulders. It hurt. Tears flooded my eyes. When would the pain pass? My mom came into my room and asked if I needed help and I told her it just hurt to breathe and that I didn't want to live anymore. Worried, she asked me multiple times if she needed to take me into the hospital. I refused. The small bit of logic left in me said "No, you don't have time. You have things to do." Exhausted and sick, I fell asleep and ended up staying home the next day.

Over the course of the week, I've received so much love and support from my family, friends, and classmates. On Monday I went out to lunch with a friend of mine who is like a big sister to me. She's simply amazing and I cannot express how appreciative I am for the time we spent together. On top of that, I got texts and phone calls from people making sure I'm okay and telling me to feel better.

*Side note: I've had a really terrible cold for a week too. Lots of coughing, congestion, sinus headaches, and the occasional fever. Thankfully I'm feeling better today*

Yesterday I saw a post on Facebook that read this:

"I believe in God. Not because my parents told me to. Not because my church told me to. But because I've experienced Him."

I did a lot of thinking and this is where I stand. I don't need to "experience" God to know He's real or to believe in Him. He blessed me with the faith through Baptism and His Word. He has redeemed me and calls me His own. I don't "feel God"... I trust in Him because His Word told me to! God fulfills His promises because that's His perfect nature. He is consistently good to me even when I don't deserve it. Sins? Now forgiven. Death? Now life. He doesn't change, even when things get hard for me. Even when this world turns upside down, and I'm ready to call it quits, God still provides for me, loves me, and saves me.

That's the beautiful thing about depression, I guess. Once I reach rock-bottom, there's nowhere else to go but up and out, even if it takes awhile. When I'm sitting in the shadows, God never fails to take me by the hand and make sure I get out of it. That's not an "experience", that's a promise. Fulfilled. And if you still think you need to "feel God" to have a relationship with Him, I encourage you to check out His Word and see what He's already done and continues to do for you!

Even though my depression is always changing, my God is forever faithful. I am saved by His constant love and forgiveness of my sins. 

For I have been saved by grace through faith,
Marissa Mayer

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