Monday, March 20, 2017

Continually Humbled

Happy Monday! Sorry this is late, I had technical difficulties last week so let's hope things are working now...

One of the most beautiful things about being a blogger is this: I have the freedom to share my thoughts and experiences with the world, and sometimes the creativity actually comes before the typing. While on most occasions I type whatever comes to mind, there have been times when I hand write first. Physically holding my thoughts in front of me helps me cope with my feelings. It's completely personal, it's me.

Each day I sit in my A.P. Literature class and as it comes right after lunch, I tend to lose focus. Thus, that's when my creativity peaks (so I'm sure you can guess when this post was originally written). I'm always doodling or jotting down little notes to keep my mind busy (on another side note, I still do well in the class, so don't think I'm slacking too much!).

Anyways, as an update, I guess I'm doing okay. The side effects of medication were somewhat irritating at first, however they've definitely subsided. I'm getting more sleep, eating slightly less, and I haven't shed a tear once since, well...weeks ago. The lows just aren't as low anymore, so I feel like I'm just...content (I guess that's the only word I can think of). I saw my psychiatrist today and we decided to keep me on the same dosage and check in again later this year.

With this feeling of stability comes a sense of independence. I acknowledge that things are going well and have become slightly ignorant of my faith. It has seemed like I push God to the back burner and said, "hey thanks, I got it from here." Well, on Wednesday His Law set me right back in my place. The sermon was about Pontius Pilate and the releasing of Barabbas as the people sent Christ to the cross on Calvary. It was easy to think Pilate was terrible for allowing the crucifixion of an innocent man, but I was then reminded that I fall into the same category. My ignorance, my sins, the things I have left undone, and just my overall sinful, selfish, helpless self, all sent him to the cross too. So there I was...sitting in worship, and once again humbled at the reminder of my sins. Through His Word, He showed me that I deserved nothing but death, yet even though I sent Him to the cross, He continues to bless me daily on top of giving me salvation through my faith. And this is all done merely out of His love.

I am always finding myself in a cycle of feeling angry- as if God were not helping me, then being brought back around to remember I've been washed clean through baptism and He's done more for me than I can even fathom. As a human being, I am 100% sinner, therefore I can't even really grasp just how perfect Christ is and how wonderful His death and resurrection actually is. It never fails to be enough for me. Yet, I am 100% saint. Redeemed, loved, and given a life in eternity with Christ. Beautiful. Breathtaking. Life-giving.

As long as I have my faith, there's always that hope in Christ. On my own, I can do nothing. While I feel emotionally "content", the cross gives me everlasting joy. I am His and I will continue to bask in His love and overflowing blessings for now into eternity.

Love,
Marissa Mayer

Monday, March 6, 2017

3.6.17

Monday.

Here I am. Another week. And this time, I have some good news.

On Friday I saw a psychiatrist and was prescribed medication. I've been waiting forever to finally start being able to live a little more freely without constantly worrying about myself. Depression is feeling like your ten steps behind the rest of everyone else, and then anxiety makes you worry about it. Obsessively concerned about your own well-being when you know you really don't want to be.

I'm so excited to start this. Hopefully it eases the anxiety and allows me to function a little bit more like a normal person. Maybe I'll be able to focus better in class or get some more sleep. Whatever the results, I'm praying they make me feel a little more stabilized. Of course there are side effects, some of which have already kicked in. They're pretty manageable which is really nice since that's something I was originally a little scared of.

I also had a really good weekend. I worked on Saturday and then went to the symphony that evening with some friends. To top it off, I had a very relaxing Sunday and was able to worship with the band.

I'm so ready to start this journey. It's a relief knowing that I'm finally getting the help I need.

Praying you're all doing just as well. So incredibly blessed for your support. Thank you all, 18,000+ views and we're still going.

Incredibly blessed,
Marissa Mayer