Monday, May 1, 2017

5.1.17

Just returning for a post because I got some things I need to see in my own writing. 

Things lately have been anything but easy. Here it is again, my favorite "f" word...frustrating.

I'm pretty sure my medication isn't working the way it used to. I'm diligently taking it and it feels pretty pointless right now. All I do is sleep and wait for it to pass. This weekend was actually just a blur of crying and naps. 

I'm past feeling sorry for myself, I'm just angry. Things don't seem to go my way anymore. The most trivial things pile up in front of me to make an insurmountable wall. I'm sensitive to the things people say, and even to the tone in which they say it.

To make things worse, the weather has been very dreary here, which certainly does not make functioning any easier. I know my depression thrives on isolation, but I'm too tired to try and fix it. I have deadlines in front of me, social things that need to be confronted, a couple stressful things at work, and it's all just kind of a lot to take in right now.

Also, I've stepped back on my faith. Of course, I know this definitely doesn't make the situation any better, but it feels very empty. I haven't gone to church in two weeks and it's easy to get away with when my parents don't really enforce me to go. I don't take time to pray because it feels like a waste of my time. If I do, I yell at God just hoping He listens (which of course, I know deep down that He does).

Thankfully, I've got support. I've sent my best friend a couple long rants this weekend and needless to say, he's been awesome at reminding me that I'll be okay and that sometimes the best solution is to just eat some ice cream and wait it out. I also plan on calling my doctor sometime soon to discuss adjusting my medication. To try and help myself out a little, I try finding a couple things during the week that I'm looking forward to, and focus on those. Sometimes, I focus on other people and how they might rely on me. A good example is my little cousin Emma. Nothing makes me happier than seeing her sweet smile.

I also just got done reading a really good article about the destructive lies that depression likes to tell us. I've attached it below for you to read as well. 

Other than feeling pretty crappy, I'm getting a little excited as I graduate in 18 days! All I can say is, I made it and I'm beyond ready to start my path to becoming a music teacher.

I hope you all have a wonderful week. Maybe I'll be back soon. Until then, I guess I just gotta fight it.

Love,
Marissa Mayer